Cigarettes and Alcohol: Confessions of a Stag Weekend (18 page)

Chapter Twenty Seven: The Stinging Ring of Exhibition Arse

It’s not long until we reach the front of the queue and we all pile into cabs destined for the local.

I
end up sharing with Deviant, Amnesty and Mule, which is a real pisser as they normally all pretend to be skint leaving me mugged up to pay the entire fare.

‘Where
do you want to go to guys?’ asks the cab driver.

‘Bexley
Village, Kent please mate,’ replies Amnesty Boy.

The
four of us must stink of marijuana smoke and have the vacant glassy eyed stare of the perpetually stoned because the driver then says ‘Been to the Dam for a weekender by any chance lads? Had a couple of days of pussy, puff and premium lager? Good on ya.’

‘How
did you guess where we’d been?’ wonders Deviant. ‘Do you pick up a lot from the airport and get a feeling as to where your passengers have been?’

‘Don’t
be daft my friend. I’m not psychic. I read the labels on your bags that said Schipol Airport. It weren’t just a stab in the dark.’

‘Nice
one,’ replies Deviant. He then goes on to ask the most dumb rhetorical question that everyone asks a cab driver ‘Have you been busy today driver?’

Why
do people bother to ask a cabbie this? You already know the answer you are going to get. It’s totally pointless and like asking any sane bloke if he enjoys getting a blow job.

Of
course your cab driver has been busy because he has spent all day ferrying around the dregs of society who are either, too poor, too old, too stupid or too intoxicated to be in control of their own motor vehicle.

Everyone
knows cabbies well coin it in. They only moan that times are hard because they worry that you might be the tax man sticking your beak into their cash-in-hand, paying the minimum amount of tax possible, huge income. I’ve never met a skint cabbie. Good on them though would you want members of the dim general public fouling up your jam jar? No thank you.

Finally
someone asks the drive a sensible question. ‘Dude I see the No Smoking sign there but any chance of us sparking up, I’m dying here?’

‘Sure
thing, just don’t burn the upholstery as I’m only renting the cab. Also if you want to smoke the gear that you accidently left in your pocket from Amsterdam that’s not a problem. Only rule is that you skin me up a fat one as my tip so I can have a puff when I get home.’

Result!
Lighters appear and we smoke through the ready rolled jays. This is shaping up to be the best cab ride ever, as I sit here buzzing off my tits as we cruise around the M25 which amazingly isn’t just one huge car park today.

The
journey home is the bittersweet part of any stag do. You don’t want the weekend to finish but you are well looking forward to sleeping in your own bed. You know that you have one last night of debauchery followed by what is sure to be the Monday morning from hell.

Getting
out of your pit on Monday to go into work is bad enough but when you have a mega hangover and feel like a bag of washing it’s even worse.

The
sensible stag attendee will always book the next day off as holiday from his no mark job and stays suffering in his pit all day.

But
after the weekend we’ve just had the pain is worth it. Legends have been created and we have all survived more or less intact, well minus some ball bag juice.

We’ve
also had a few scrapes with the law. In fact Village is, at this very moment, getting a free prostate examination from the customs officer that he’s upset. Then again at least he acted as a decoy for me the ace drugs smuggler. He is taking one for the team and apart from his wrecked rectal hole, there’s no real harm done.

The
miles fly by and we are nearly at our grand finale. Mule pipes up with the following story to pass the time:

‘
Guys
I
had
to
go
to
Hannover
for
a
week
recently
to
some
boring
trade
show
.
Me
and
one
of
the
other
sales
guys
I
work
with
Dan
went
there
to
flog
our
shonky
wares
to
unsuspecting
European
mug
punters
.

It
was
well
dull
.
The
exhibition
was
absolutely
massive
,
halls
and
halls
of
dull
engineering
bollocks
really
.
I
spent
most
of
the
day
walking
miles
to
get
to
a
client’s
stand
only
to
find
that
the
person
I
wanted
to
talk
to
was
not
there
but
would
maybe
appear
later
.

I
covered
miles
wandering
around
trying
to
look
busy
and
praying
for
5
o’clock
to
roll
around
so
we
could
go
out
on
the
piss
and
visit
the
nearest
girly
bar
.
Anyway
after
a
few
days
Dan
started
to
suffer
from
an
ailment
known
in
the
sales
trade
as
Exhibition
Arse
.

This
is
caused
by
having
a
sweaty
old
bum
crevice
from
too
much
walking
around
and
being
entertained
on
stands
that
are
boiling
hot
making
you
over
perspire
a
small
river
.
Basically
your
ring
piece
gets
well
sore
making
you
walk
about
like
John
Wayne
after
riding
his
horse
for
two
weeks
straight
.

There
is
no
escape
from
Exhibition
Arse
once
your
chocolate
starfish
goes
red
you
are
on
a
one
way
trip
to
Pain
City
Central
.
It
really
is
no
laughing
matter
,
but
as
it
was
Dan
who
had
it
and
not
me
,
it
was
fucking
hilarious
.
Dan’s
arsehole
was
so
inflamed
it
looked
like
a
blood
orange
.

He
was
suffering
and
we
still
had
two
more
days
at
the
show
.
As
we
were
in
Germany
there
was
no
chance
that
he
would
be
able
to
communicate
with
the
Fraulein
in
the
local
pharmacy
that
his
anus
was
alight
and
could
he
have
some
sort
of
soothing
balm
to
cure
it
.

That
evening
we
returned
to
the
hotel
where
Dan
and
I
were
sharing
a
room
because
our
boss
was
too
tight
to
weigh
out
for
one
room
each
.
I
jumped
straight
in
the
shower
as
I
was
keen
to
get
away
from
his
constant
complaints
about
his
chapped
cat
flap
.

As
I
came
out
the
bathroom
Dan
was
bent
over
his
bed
stark
bollock
naked
trying
to
open
his
arse
cheeks
with
one
hand
and
apply
some
Lypsil
he
had
found
to
his
sore
tea
towel
holder
with
the
other
.

It
was
priceless
.
He
was
almost
in
tears
of
agony
and
was
trying
to
soothe
his
red
hot
Khyper
Pass
with
a
chap
stick
.
He
was
mortified
that
he
had
been
caught
red
ring
handed
.

Promise
me
that
you
will
never
tell
anyone
about
this
moment
he
begged
.
But
deep
down
he
knew
he
was
fucked
.
It
was
just
too
funny
a
story
to
keep
under
wraps
.
Inevitably
the
tale
went
round
the
office
like
wild
fire
.