Cinderella Girl (5 page)

‘And you then?’

Fanny pulled out her fake driver’s licence and they got their tickets without further questions.

Her tummy was screaming with hunger now. Hanna did not understand how Mummy could take Lukas and move away without giving her something to eat first. It was obvious that they had moved away; Mummy had taken not only her handbag but the sheets too. Hanna found pillows and covers on the armchair in the bedroom – Mummy probably couldn’t carry them – but the sheets were gone, so they must be sleeping somewhere else. Mummy and Lukas weren’t hiding anywhere in the apartment; instead they had disappeared while she was asleep. She’d known it the whole time: Mummy only loves Lukas. Even though he screams and throws up.

At first Hanna was very sad, but that had passed. She still thought Mummy was mean, so it didn’t matter that she had moved away. It was just nice not to be nagged all the time. Now she mostly felt angry. And so hungry that she was starting to feel sick. She knew where the saucepans were, so it was just a matter of getting started. It couldn’t be that hard. She took out a saucepan from the cupboard under the stove and placed it on the counter. Then she dragged the child’s chair all the way from the dining-room table to the sink, climbed up on it and turned on the water. She took a firm hold of the saucepan with both hands and held it under the running water.

‘Ouch!’

One hand ended up under the stream and the scalding hot water caused her to let go of the saucepan; when the saucepan landed in the sink hot water bounced against the edge and up into her face. She almost lost her balance, but at the last moment managed to grab hold of the counter. She screamed and screamed while she crawled back down to the floor, but no one came to her rescue.

The pain in her face subsided fairly quickly, but the burned hand was throbbing and soon turned completely red. The tears streamed down her cheeks and she lay as if paralysed on the kitchen floor, howling. She hoped that Mummy, despite everything, would hear her and come running like she always did when Hanna hurt herself. But she knew that it wouldn’t happen this time; Mummy had got tired of her at last. Why did Hanna nag and whine, why did she have to be so difficult all the time? Mummy had warned her many times and said she couldn’t put up with any more fussing. Now she’d had enough and taken Lukas with her and moved away. Without Hanna. And it probably served her right.

When she had recovered somewhat, the hunger pangs asserted themselves again. Hanna resumed her hunt for something to eat. Something that didn’t need to be cooked. She went through cupboards and drawers methodically until she found the sweets. She’d ventured up on the chair again to hunt in one of the upper cupboards, where deep bowls and large platters were stacked. Here Mummy hid old bags of sweets from parties, a box of chocolates, a bag of lollipops, a tin of gummy bears and a bag the contents of which Hanna could not see. She poked around a little with one arm and everything except
the box of chocolates crashed down to the floor. After a few more attempts she managed to push it so far forward on the shelf that she could grasp it with her fingers. She climbed carefully down from the chair, sat down on the floor and stuffed her mouth full of sweets. Mummy wouldn’t like it, but then she should have stayed here with Hanna if she wanted to say no.

When she was full she wiped her sticky fingers on her nightie and got up. Her nappy was now so heavy that one Velcro fastening had come loose. Hanna peeled off the other one too and freed herself from the burden, which thudded on to the kitchen floor. She wandered aimlessly around the deserted apartment before she sat down on the floor in front of the TV in the living room. She rubbed her sore hand and studied the buttons on the remote control apprehensively. It was impossible to know which of the many buttons she should push to get it to work, but after she randomly played with the keypad for a few minutes the TV suddenly came on.

She remained sitting there, in front of an incomprehensible programme with women and men wearing strange clothes and speaking a peculiar language, her thoughts fluttering around. At last she felt fairly comfortable, with her belly full and the room filled with TV voices. But her hand still hurt. It would really be nice if Mummy or Daddy could come anyway and blow on it so the hurt would go away. But Daddy would be gone for many days, she knew that. And Mummy had moved away.

But maybe Mummy would stop by anyway to visit her? Then Hanna would be really happy and nice and not nag or whine at all. She would show Mummy that she could
do better and that she had done everything right when she had to take care of herself. She would sleep in her own bed and make nice drawings for Lukas. She would take a bath and wash her hair – without shrieking. She would not take out a lot of toys unnecessarily and she would put the ones she was finished playing with back in their place. When Mummy saw that she would change her mind and move back home again.

Finally, when she couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer, she lay down on the parquet floor and fell asleep, secure in the company of the TV.

After checking in and getting their room keys they went down to the cabin to drop off their bags. It was a four-bed cabin with two lower beds and two upper beds that opened out from the wall. There was also a small bathroom with toilet, sink and shower.

Malin and Fanny quickly laid claim to the more comfortable lower beds. Jennifer grumbled a little and suggested they draw straws, but Joakim was not at all bothered. Up above, you could be alone. He tossed his bag up on one of the upper bunks and Jennifer’s on the other, but he was hoping that one bed would be enough for both of them.

Another group of both girls and guys had joined up with them at the terminal and was sharing another two cabins. They were all younger than Joakim; none of the girls appeared to be older than twenty, perhaps twenty-three for the guys. Everyone knew everyone, except Joakim, who knew only Jennifer. But that was enough for him.

Jennifer suggested they go straight to the duty-free shop to buy drinks, and everyone was in favour. They had to stand outside and wait for a while, until the boat had put out. Jennifer was once again reserved towards him, but Joakim decided to take matters into his own hands. He put a pinch of snuff under his lip and went around and
introduced himself to everyone. To the question of what had happened to his face, his brief reply was simply that he’d been in a fight. This explanation did not seem to upset anyone; just the opposite. The ground under his feet gradually felt steadier.

He introduced himself as Jennifer’s boyfriend, which was received with some surprise, but it was also apparent that this inspired respect. Jennifer was certainly a sought-after prize and he got a feeling that with this revelation he had made a considerable move up the status ladder. Now that their relationship was established she couldn’t just ignore him, and the boys in the gang would keep their hands off her. Only Jennifer seemed indifferent, and she did not respond to his smile.

The shop opened and everyone bought what they wanted without being carded. On board the attitude towards suspected minors was more relaxed than it had been at the ticket counter and during boarding; the fake IDs had been left in back pockets and handbags. Joakim ended up being one of the last of the group in line at the till, and when it was time to pay for his beer Jennifer slipped in alongside him and put her arm around his waist.

‘Hi!’ he said, happily surprised at the sudden change in her manner.

He placed his arm around her shoulders and gave a little extra squeeze.

‘Do you want anything?’ he asked.

‘Yes, this,’ she answered, nodding at the basket she had in her hand.

‘I’ll get that,’ said Joakim. ‘Put it through the checkout and we’ll get all this together.’

When they walked out of the store Jennifer said apologetically, ‘Thanks, that was super nice of you! Student aid doesn’t go very far.’

‘Are you short of money?’ asked Joakim.

‘Usually,’ answered Jennifer, ‘but it’ll work out.’

‘Take this,’ said Joakim, handing her a five-hundred-kronor note.

‘You’re so sweet,’ Jennifer smiled, putting the money in her jeans pocket.

They went back down to their cabins as a group, where the long night’s partying got under way. Joakim was gathering the courage to sound Jennifer out. He had hoped they would be able to get some time to themselves in the cabin, but in vain. It didn’t really matter, however, once the liquor and Elephant beer started flowing he grew more confident and it brought results. Jennifer unexpectedly stayed put after he pulled her on to his lap, as he sat on the bed in one of the group’s other two cabins. He held on to her and breathed in the scent of her newly washed hair without her pulling away. Everything was like normal again. He had been right to introduce himself to Jennifer’s friends as her boyfriend, and now he was there drinking and enjoying himself like everyone else. The intoxication increased and Jennifer turned and kissed him on the mouth. He responded to the kiss and felt even more than before that he wanted her to himself.

‘Come on, Jennifer, let’s go to our cabin,’ he whispered through the golden-blonde hair, but she squirmed and giggled disarmingly.

‘Not now, Joakim, later. I want to party. Can’t we stay with the others and have some fun?’

He went along with her gladly. Now they were back on track and he was exhilarated, proud and in love. He knocked back half a can of beer in one go and opened another. Jennifer was drinking vodka and Coke, and he wondered how her small body could tolerate so much, but on the other hand she was not exactly inexperienced.

Sitting next to him on the bed was Andreas, who looked to be about nineteen. He was broad-shouldered with an athletic appearance and a Nike T-shirt that fit snugly around a pair of muscular upper arms. He too had a big wad of snuff under his lip and Joakim toasted with him. Andreas told Joakim about a trip he’d taken to Kos during the summer, while Jennifer entertained herself – still from her position on his lap – with Malin, Fanny and two of the other guys. The noise level was high; a portable CD player boomed from the floor at one end of the cramped room and the music drowned out all the other conversations in the cabin.

Some time later, when Joakim was involved in a discussion with Andreas about a four-year-old girl who had been kidnapped in Portugal, Jennifer got up with a glass in her hand and left the room. People were running in and out of both cabins so Joakim assumed she wanted to mingle a little in the other one. Even though he really wanted to follow her immediately, wherever she was going, he remained sitting out of politeness until the conversation started to run down. Then he slipped over to the other room and scanned Jennifer’s already seriously intoxicated friends. They had been joined by two guys who appeared to be about Joakim’s age; to general amusement they were
bellowing Finnish drinking songs. Jennifer was nowhere to be seen. He opened the door to the bathroom, but she wasn’t there either. He went back to the first cabin, but that bathroom was empty too.

‘Where’d Jennifer go?’ he called to Malin, who replied with a shrug.

Fanny didn’t know either, so he went and tried the door to their own cabin, but it was locked and no one answered his knocking.

Suddenly the fun of sitting and drinking with a gang of inebriated teenage strangers disappeared and he left the party unnoticed to find Jennifer. He searched down long corridors lined with doors, over to one of the stairwells and then up to a level where there was more than just cabins. He went systematically through all the shops, restaurants, bars, dance floors and gambling rooms, but without finding her. A hint of a headache was sneaking up and he gave up searching for the moment and sat with a can of beer at a table near the windows in the upper dance hall.

* * *

Suddenly she had just had enough. They were all so childish, especially the boys with their pathetic teenage bellowing. The giggly, shrill girls weren’t much better. Joakim was different of course, although when they saw each other this morning something had changed. Something was wrong; it didn’t feel right any more. He shouldn’t have been there, uninvited, shouldn’t have watched her with that look, although she had actually liked it before.
Yearning. Like a dog. Her feelings for him were simply gone; she was tired of him. She just couldn’t think of what to do to end the whole thing, what she should say.

After aimlessly drifting around for a while, preoccupied by her thoughts, she found herself on the topmost deck. It was half past nine and so far there were few people in the large dance hall, but soon they would be flocking in, once people had finished dinner. There were a few scattered groups in the big hall, mainly at the window tables. Another group was sitting around the long bar.

She braced one foot against the footrest and heaved herself up on to one of the tall stools closest to the entrance in the half-moon-shaped bar. The bartender was turning glasses further down and did not seem to have noticed her. Syrupy-sweet dance music echoed in the mostly empty space and she was thinking about what to order when an older man sat down on the bar stool next to hers. Automatically she turned towards him, but he took no notice of her, looking instead at the bottles lined up on the shelves behind the bar. He had a somewhat slovenly, almost ravaged appearance: unpressed white shirt, unwashed hair that was too long over his ears, and he didn’t seem to have shaved for several days. Jennifer could see that he was continually tensing his jaw.

‘What are you drinking?’ he asked suddenly, still without looking at her.

He sounded almost unfriendly and a shiver of distaste passed through her.

‘Nothing,’ Jennifer answered, preparing to leave.

‘What are you doing in the bar then?’ he continued.

‘I was going to get a beer, but –’

‘Two beers!’ he called to the bartender, who nodded in response.

‘But I don’t want –’

‘I realize that,’ the man interrupted her again. ‘Things don’t always turn out the way you want, do they?’

He turned towards her for the first time and openly let his gaze sweep over her body. He hardly seemed interested in her face. His eyes were rather small and he looked harried. She had no desire to talk to this man, but she would probably have to endure it until the beers were finished; a beer was not cheap, after all. Jennifer didn’t know where to direct her gaze, so she started fumbling in her handbag for her mobile phone. She had turned it off when Joakim started calling her and sending text messages, but now she turned it on again to have something to do with her hands. As soon as the phone was on it signalled that she had received several messages. They were all from Joakim, and she couldn’t bear to think about him right now, so she turned the phone off again.

It struck her that maybe she should make a slight gesture of gratitude towards the man, since he was treating her to a drink, so she rooted out a packet of mints from her bag and extended it to him without saying anything. But he just shook his head with the same forbidding look. The bartender came with the two beer glasses and she took a few substantial gulps from hers at once, while the man paid with a crumpled hundred-kronor bill that he fished out of his back pocket.

‘Thanks,’ said Jennifer, but then couldn’t think of anything else to say, so she sat in silence, gazing down into her beer.

‘So you’re drunk again today,’ he said suddenly.

Who was he? He was seedy, but not enough to be part of her mother’s gang and besides, she knew them all pretty well by now. Jennifer hesitated for a moment before she answered.

‘What do you mean, “again”? I don’t get drunk every day exactly.’

She looked around self-consciously to avoid looking him in the eyes; her gaze fell at last on her own hand, nervously fingering the beer glass. She quickly raised the glass to her lips and took in half the beer at one go. He placed one hand on her shoulder, but not to calm her.

‘Yesterday and today,’ was all he said.

Jennifer tried to pull away from his hand, but couldn’t. She looked around again and made eye contact with a man sitting at a table just behind them. The hand was pinching her shoulder a little harder now, and she turned towards the heavy-handed man and looked him right in the eyes.

‘What the hell are you talking about?’ she spat out. ‘I’ll get drunk if I want to.’

He hissed at her with his mouth twisted in a malicious grin.

‘You shouldn’t carry on like that, you little whore!’

Her shoulder hurt now and she finally managed to twist out of his grasp.

‘I’m sitting here peacefully and then you come along and start bothering me. And talking a lot of fucking shit! What the hell do you want from me?’

Once again she felt a hand on her shoulder, but this one belonged to someone else. She turned around and saw it was the man from the table behind who had come up to them.

‘Are you coming any time soon?’ he asked in a friendly
voice, but a little urgently, as if she was part of his group and had only gone away for a little while.

Jennifer quickly let herself down from the tall stool. In passing she grabbed her handbag from the bar.

‘Gotta go now. Thanks for the beer,’ she said with a contemptuous smile.

* * *

Where could she have gone? If she was with strange people in another cabin, there was no point in searching for her. If she was on one of the upper decks, they must have passed each other in all the stairs and corridors. But what was she really up to? Everything had felt so good before, when she was sitting curled up in his lap, carrying on like all the others. Why had she just left, without giving the least hint of where? She had kissed him, damn it! Besides, she had hinted that they had a long evening ahead of them – together. Once again it felt as if she didn’t want him, that in reality she was looking for something else. But what? She didn’t seem particularly interested in any of the other guys in the group, even if she interested them.

Joakim had no idea how Jennifer functioned. They really didn’t know each other. They saw each other now and then, but not as often as he would like. He knew nothing about what life was like for her at home, about her family. That was the kind of thing she didn’t talk about. He had no idea what she did during the week either. Sure, she went to school, that much she had told him, but that didn’t seem to keep her from seeing him in the middle of the day if she
wanted to. Did she have interests, did she play sport, what did she do when she wasn’t in school and wasn’t with him?