City of the Lost (2 page)

“Look,” I said. “Whatever beef you have with Blaine, it has nothing to do with me. I’ve got twenty dollars in my wallet and my necklace is gold. You can take—”

“We’ll take whatever we want, sweetie.”

I tugged my bag off my shoulder. “Okay, here’s my purse. There’s a cellphone—”

He stepped closer. “We’ll take
whatever
we want.”

His voice had hardened, but I still didn’t think:
I’m in danger.
I knew how muggings worked. Just stay calm and hand over my belongings.

I held out my purse. He grabbed it by the strap and tossed it aside. Then he grabbed
me
, one hand going to my throat, the other to my breast, shoving me against the wall. There was a split second of shock as I hit the bricks hard. Then …

I don’t know what happened then. To this day, I cannot remember the thoughts that went through my brain. I don’t think there were any. I felt his hands on my throat and on my breast, and I reacted.

My knee connected with his groin. I twisted toward the guy standing beside us. My fingers wrapped around his wrist. I grabbed his switchblade as it fell. I twisted again, my arm swinging down, and I stabbed the leader in the upper thigh as he was still falling back, moaning from the knee to his groin.

Afterward, I would piece it together and understand how it happened. How a response that seemed almost surreal was, in fact, very predictable. When the leader grabbed me with both hands, I knew he was no longer armed. So I reacted, if not with forethought, at least with foreknowledge.

Yet it was the lack of forethought that was my undoing. I had stabbed the leader … and there were three other guys right there. One hit me in the gut. Another plowed his fist into my jaw. A third wrenched my arm so hard I screamed as my shoulder dislocated. He got the knife away from me easily after that. Someone kicked me in the back of the knees and I went down, and as soon as I did, boots slammed me from all sides, punctuated by grunts and curses of rage. I heard the leader say, “You think you’re a tough little bitch? I’ll show you tough.” And then the beating began in earnest.

I awoke in a hospital four days later as my mother and the doctor discussed the possibility of pulling the plug. I’d like to believe that somewhere in that dark world of my battered brain, I heard them and came back, like a prize fighter rising as the ref counts down. But it was probably just coincidence.

I’d been found in that alley, left for dead, and rushed to the hospital, where I underwent emergency surgery to stop the internal bleeding. I had a dislocated shoulder. Five fractured ribs. Over a hundred stitches for various lacerations. A severe concussion and intracranial hematoma. Compound fracture of the left radius. Severe fracture of the right tibia and fibula with permanent nerve damage. Also, possible rape.

I have recited that list to enough therapists that it has lost all emotional impact. Even the last part.

Possible rape.
It sounds ludicrous. Either I was or I wasn’t, right? Yet if it happened, I’d been unconscious. When I was found, my jeans were still on—or had been put
back
on. They did a rape kit, but it vanished before it could be processed.

Today, having spent two years as a detective in a big-city Special Victims Unit, I know you can make an educated guess without the kit. But I think, when it disappeared, someone decided an answer wasn’t necessary. If my attackers were found, they’d be charged with aggravated assault and attempted murder. Good enough. For them, at least.

As for my injuries, physically I made a full recovery. It took eighteen months. I had to drop out of police college and give up the job waiting for me. As the victim of a serious crime, I was deemed no longer fit to serve and protect. I didn’t accept that. I got a bachelor’s degree in criminology, a black belt in aikido, and a flyweight championship in boxing. I aced the psych tests and, five years after the attack, I was hired and on the fast track to detective.

My parents had not been pleased. That was nothing new. When I’d first declared I wanted to be a police detective, their reaction had been pure horror. “You’re better than that,” they said. Smarter, they meant. Not geniuses, like them. While they considered my IQ of 135 perfectly adequate, it might require extra effort to become a cardiologist like my dad or chief of pediatric surgery like my mom or a neuroscientist like my sister. Still, they expected that I’d try. I wanted none of it. Never had.

After I had to leave police college, they’d been certain I’d give up this nonsense and devote myself to a meaningful career, preferably with a string of letters after my name. We argued. A lot. They died in a small plane crash four years ago, and we’d never truly mended that fence.

But back to the hospital. I spent six weeks there, learning to walk again, talk again, be Casey Duncan again. Except I never really was. Not the Casey Duncan I’d been. There are two halves of my life: before and after.

Four days in a coma. Six weeks in the hospital. Blaine never came to see me. Never even sent a card. I’d have ripped it to shreds, but at least it would have acknowledged what happened. He knew, of course. Diana had made sure of that, contacting him while I was in emergency. He hadn’t asked how bad I was. Just mumbled something and hung up.

When I’d seen him run away in the alley, my outrage had been tempered by the certainty that he would get help. Even as the blows had started to fall, I’d clung to that. He must have called the police. He must have.

The last thing that passed through my mind before I lost consciousness was that I just had to hold on a little longer. Help was on the way. Only it wasn’t. A homeless guy cutting through the alley stumbled across me, hours later. A stranger—a
drunk
stranger—had run to get help for me. My boyfriend had just run.

Blaine did need to speak to the police, after I woke up and told them what happened. But in Blaine’s version,
he’d
created the distraction. I’d been escaping with him, and we’d parted at the street. The muggers must have caught up and dragged me back into that alley. If Blaine had known, he’d have done something. To suggest otherwise, well … I’d suffered head trauma, hadn’t I? Temporary brain damage? Loss of memory? Clearly, I’d misremembered.

I didn’t call him when I got out of the hospital. That conversation had to happen in person. It took a week for me to get around to it, because there was something I needed to do first. Buy a gun.

Blaine’s routine hadn’t changed. He still went jogging before dawn. Or that’s what he’d say if he was trying to impress a girl:
I run in the park every morning at five
. It wasn’t completely untrue. He did go out before dawn. He did run in the park. Except he only did it on Fridays, and just to the place where he stashed his drugs. Then he’d run back to campus, where he could usually find a few buyers—kids who’d been out too late partying, heading back to the dorms before dawn, in need of a little something to get them through Friday classes.

I knew the perfect place for a confrontation. By the bridge along the riverbank, where he’d pass on his way home. The spot was always empty at that time of day, and the noise of rushing water would cover our discussion.

Cover a gunshot, too?

No, the gun was only a prop. To let him know this was going to be a serious conversation.

I waited by the foot of the bridge. He came by right on schedule. Walking. He only jogged where people could see him. I waited until I could hear the buzz and crash from his music. Then I stepped out into his path.

“Casey?” He blinked and tugged at the earbuds, letting them fall, dangling, as he stared at me. “You look…”

“Like I got the shit beat out of me?”

“It’s not that bad.”

“True. The bruises have healed. There are only ten stitches on my face. Oh, and this spot, where they had to shave my head to cut into my skull and relieve the bleeding.” I turned to show him. “Plus a few teeth that will need to be replaced after my jaw’s fully healed. My nose isn’t straight, but they tell me plastic surgery will fix that. They also say I might walk without the limp if I work really, really hard at it.”

He listened, nodding, an overly concerned expression on his face, as if I were an elderly aunt detailing my medical woes.

When I finished, he said, “You’ll heal, then. That’s good.”

“Good?” I stepped toward him. “I almost
died
, Blaine. I had to drop out of police college. I’m told I’ll never be a cop. That I’ll never move fast enough. I might never
think
fast enough.”

Another long pause. Then, “I’m sorry this happened to you, Casey. I gave you a chance to run.”

“No, I let
you
run. You did, and you never even called for help.”

“That’s not how I
remember it.” He pulled himself up straight, ducking my gaze.

“No?” I said. “Does this refresh your memory?”

I took the gun from my pocket.

I’d envisioned this encounter so many ways. All those nights, lying in a hospital bed, fantasizing about it, I’d realized I didn’t want him to break down and beg forgiveness too quickly. I wanted to have to pull the gun. I wanted to see his expression. I wanted him to feel what I’d felt in that alley.

Now I pointed the gun at him, and he blinked. That was it. A blink. Then his lips twitched, as if he was going to laugh. I think if he had, I’d have pulled that trigger. But he rubbed his mouth instead and said, “You’re not going to shoot me with your training weapon, Casey. You’re smarter than that.”

“Did I mention I had to drop out? This
isn’t
my training weapon. Now, I want you to think hard, Blaine. Think back to that night, and tell me again that you let me run.”

“Oh, I get it.” He eased back. “You want me to confess on some hidden tape so you can—”

I yanked off my jacket. It wasn’t easy. My left arm was still in a cast and my shoulder blazed with the simple act of tugging off clothing. But I got it off, and I threw it at him.

“Check for a recorder. Pat me down if you want. I’m not taping this. It’s for me. I want to hear you tell the truth, and I want to hear you apologize.”

“Well, then you’re going to have to pull that trigger, because I don’t have anything to apologize for. We ran and you must have doubled back.”

“For what?” I roared. “What in
fuck
would I double back for?”

“Then they must have caught you. You were too slow—”

“I did not run! You know I didn’t. I grabbed him, and you were supposed to pick up the gun he dropped, but you ran. Like a fucking coward, you ran and you didn’t look back, and I nearly died, and you never even called the goddamned hospital to see if I was okay.”

“You
are
okay. Look at you. Up and about, waving a gun in my face. Well, actually, I’m not sure I’d call that okay. I think you need help. I always did. You’re messed up, Casey. I bet a shrink would say you have a death wish.”

I went still. “What?”

He shifted forward, as if he’d just remembered the missing answer in a final exam. “You have a death wish, Casey. What normal girl wants to be a cop? Does that martial arts shit? We get mugged in an alley, and I’m trying to play it cool, and what do you do? Grab the guy. Hell, thank God I
did
run, or I’d have had the shit beat out of me, too.”

I hit him. Hauled off and whaled the gun at the side of his head. He staggered back. I hit him again. Blood gushed. His hands went to the spot, eyes widening.

“Fuck! You fucking crazy bitch!”

“We were not
mugged
,” I said, advancing on him as he backed up, still holding his head. “You were selling dope on some other guy’s turf. Apparently, you knew that. You just didn’t give a shit. I grabbed that guy to save your ass, and you ran. You left me there to die!”

“I didn’t think they’d—”

“You left me there.”

“I just thought—”

“Thought what? They’d only rape me? A distraction while you escaped?”

He didn’t answer, but I saw it in his face, that sudden flush right before his eyes went hard.

“It was your own fault if they did rape you,” Blaine said. “You couldn’t leave well enough alone. Now give me that—”

He lunged for the gun. I shot him. No thought entered my head as I pulled the trigger. It was like being back in that alley.

I saw Blaine coming at me. I was already pointing the gun at his chest. So I pulled the trigger.

The end.

“A
nd he died?” the therapist says.

I swing my legs over the side of the couch and sit up. Her expression is rapt, as if she’s overhearing a drunken confession in a bar.

“And he died?” she prompts again.

“I called 911 on his burner phone. By the time I got through, he was gone.”
No, not gone. Dead. Use the proper terminology, Casey. Don’t sugar-coat it.

“What did you tell the operator?”

“Dispatcher,” I say, correcting her automatically. “I said I heard a shot, and I raced over to see two men fleeing the scene. One had a gun. I gave descriptions roughly matching two of the guys who beat me. I said I was going to follow them to get a closer look. She told me not to, of course, but I was already hanging up.”

“You thought it through.”

Her tone should be at least vaguely accusatory. Instead, it’s almost admiring. She’s been abused in some way. Bullied. Harassed. Maybe even assaulted. She’s fantasized about doing exactly what I did, to whoever hurt her.

I can’t even take credit for “thinking it through.” A situation presented itself, and I reacted. One therapist explained it as an extreme response to the primal fight-or-flight instinct. Mine apparently lacks the flight portion.

“What did you do with the gun?” she asks.

“I wiped it down and threw it in the river. It was never found.”

“Have you ever pulled the file? As a cop?”

She doesn’t even bother to say “police officer” now. All formality gone.

“No, that could flag an alert,” I say. “It didn’t happen here anyway.”

“Was the boy’s family really connected? Like capital
F
family?”

She says it as if this is an episode of
The Sopranos
.