Claire's Prayer (18 page)

As Carol had begun spitting angry words at him, Seth had gripped the towel tightly. It was the only thing protecting his nakedness. In a deadly quiet voice, he had told her to get out of the room. Uncontrollably angry now, Carol had slithered off the bed. She’d stormed to the door and, pulling it open, had suddenly stopped.

Turning to face him, rejection twisting her features into an ugly mask, she had hissed, “It’s
her
, isn’t it, Seth? That little Irish
innocent
. She’s the reason you don’t want me any more? Well, good luck to you getting
her
knees apart.” Looking him up and down contemptuously as she left the room, she added. “I prefer a man who can function like a man, not a…” The door slammed, drowning out her last few words.

Shaking his head in order to block out Carol’s hideous words, Seth leaned forward and turned over the cassette in his tape deck. What had amazed him more even than the strange behaviour of his body was his total inability to retaliate – and his genuine, outraged offense at Carol’s insult to Claire. He couldn’t help comparing it with his own attitude to her when he’d asked her… He could hardly bear to remember.

The impala had passed. As he pulled off back in the direction of Impunzi, Seth finally allowed himself to dwell on the repercussions of Claire’s effect on him, and what it might mean for his future.
How could she command such a hold over him, even when she was miles away?
Even at this moment, though, Seth could not see beyond the ache of his body. Far from giving him time and space to think, his night away had only made his desire for her more acute. Could he pull off and head straight to her lodge?
No.
Squashing his need to see Claire – trying, in a way, to get control of his life – Seth defiantly made a u-turn. Even though he had told Tony he’d be back in time for dinner, he would go and eat in town. Until he could understand whatever it was he was feeling, he would not give in to it, and his best plan was simply to avoid her. He had never felt this absolute need for anyone before, and he did not like it. Need like this sucked a person in and consumed them, and he swore that wasn’t going to happen to him.

Back in front of Shoko, so engrossed had Claire become in her story that it took the loud boom of the dinner gong to break her train of thought. Quickly, she ran a comb through her hair and ran to the main house. The amount of work she had managed to achieve had left her feeling very pleased with herself, and ready to face the world – even Seth. But when she arrived she found Tony and Naomi still awaiting him in the lounge, while Joseph kept the food warm. After a hour, Seth had still not shown up. Naomi went to tell Joseph to serve dinner anyway, and to put Seth’s in the warmer – “If you think he deserves it, Joseph!” she’d called. To her surprise, Claire had found herself really not caring whether Seth was there or not.

At that moment, something seemed to change for Claire. She found some of the resolution for which she’d prayed, and the peace for which she’d come to Zimbabwe. For the next days, she kept quite happily to herself. The time slipped by, punctuated by cups of tea and Joseph’s distractingly tasty dishes as usual, but Claire felt genuinely as though her storm was passing. She gained satisfaction from the fact that she could mail off her next manuscript before her deadline, and tranquility from her surroundings. The days were still warm, but with a chill in the early mornings and evenings that made her feel cosy wrapped up in her bedclothes with her novels. Mostly she saw only Joseph; sometimes Naomi popped in, bringing an engaging bubble of chatter and news on her approaching wedding. Claire wrote long letters, too, to Aunt Ellen and Kacey, although Ireland seemed so far away now. In such a short space of time, her life had come to revolve around this place of heat and wildness. Zimbabwe had spoiled her: she felt that nowhere else, least of all Ireland, would ever seem like home again.

Seth she saw only briefly at dinnertimes, if then, and Claire thought she’d noticed a change in him, too. Since he’d returned from Carol’s, he’d been distant and coldly polite to her – which was fine by her, Claire thought. They avoided each other as if by silent mutual agreement, and only once had their hands accidently touched and their eyes met, recalling the electricity that threatened yet to burn them both. It should have reminded Claire not to lull herself into too deep a sense of security.

Claire’s retreat had been unnerving for her always-active hostess. Naomi, although largely preoccupied with dresses, flowers and her guest list, had been plotting. At dinner one night she looked around the table at her guest, brother and fiancé, and suggested enthusiastically, “Seth, I think we should all go to Hwange National Park for a few days. The wedding is pretty much sorting itself, and Claire hasn’t seen the game park yet – it’s the one thing I promised her we’ve still to do! You do want to see it, don’t you, Claire?”

Claire was surprised. She’d settled into her routine so happily that she’d almost forgotten she had tourist duties to perform – but, having said that, she had longed to see lions in Africa. Swallowing a piece of juicy steak, Claire answered. “I’d
love
to see some of the National Park. I’ve seen so much wildlife so far, but there are a few animals I’d really hate to miss – especially the lions!”

Meeting Claire’s eyes with the rush they’d both hoped had faded, and taking in the eagerness in her voice, Seth reluctantly agreed. “Okay, Naomi – see if you can book the three of us in at Sinamatella Camp for a few days.” He looked over and Tony and smiled apologetically. “Sorry, Tony; you’ll have to stay and mind the fort. When we get back maybe you and Naomi can go away for a weekend?” Tony, as ever, was agreeable.

Naomi telephoned the reservations office right after they’d finished eating. Waving a piece of paper as she came back into the room, she said cheerfully. “Well! We’re off tomorrow, Claire. I managed to book us in for two nights. I booked a twin lodge for us ladies to share, and a single for you, Seth. That okay by you two?” Grunting some sort of reply as Claire nodded happily, Seth left the room.

Finishing her coffee, Claire wished Naomi and Tony goodnight, and decided to go and pack a bag for the trip. She was feeling pensive. That lurch in her stomach as Seth had looked at her was not good news. She’d have to work harder not to look at him… Watching the way the rays of moonlight played on the glitterstone pathway back to her lodge, Claire did not see Seth standing immobile with his back to her until she had walked straight into him. Giving a startled scream, she immediately turned to run. Her mind had not had time to register that it was not some ferocious animal of the night that she’d walked into.

Seth spun around, and reached for her arm as she tried to dash back to the safety of the house. Feeling her genuine panic in the dark, and easily reading fear in the gleam of her wide, staring eyes, he pulled her closer to show her her impact had been with him.

“It’s okay, Claire! Sorry; I didn’t hear you coming or I would’ve warned you I was here.”

Seeing her mistake, Claire calmed down quickly – but a new kind of tension flowed through her now. Seth’s big hand was rubbing her shoulder firmly as she heard his deep voice speak. Laughing at her foolishness, she knew she ought to back away and bid Seth goodnight – but her feet were taking her in the wrong direction.

Holding her slightly away from him, Seth looked at her searchingly. To protect and comfort her had been an instinctive reaction to her bewilderment and fear. But now the fear was gone, and the green eyes staring fixedly into his both begged and pleaded at the same time… for what, Seth could barely think. Unable to stop himself now that she was so near, Seth pulled her unresistingly back within the circle of his arms. Claire mumbled something dazedly, as if giving up the will to resist him anymore. She slid her hands over the light jersey he wore, and held him.

Claire felt a slow, spreading warmth flow through her whole body, and a new kind of feverish panic claimed her senses despite the still of their bodies. Claire quivered inside as Seth’s warm hands traced each indentation of her spine. An almost-inaudible groan escaped his lips, expressing the intoxicating weakness that was enveloping Claire. She knew if it were not for him holding her, she would crumple and fall. In a weak-voiced plea, she begged him breathlessly, “Seth, please… oh… Seth, what’s
happening
?”

Seth looked down at her, his face darkly flushed, and stared at her with disturbing intensity. In a voice that trembled slightly, he said, “Claire… I’m so sorry about the way I said it before, but…” He broke off, and sighed heavily. “What now, Claire? Where do we go from here?” Then, after a brief, electric silence in which Claire didn’t respond, he stepped away from her. “I can’t do this,” he said harshly. “I’m a man, and I want you as a man wants a woman. I can’t cope with this… you…
playing
with me, leading me on like this.”

He murmured the last deadly words at her as he swung away, stalking off into the night and leaving Claire with a deep sense of desolation. Feeling confused and intensely alone, Claire raised shaking hands to her face. Shuddering with a deep need that actually hurt, she stumbled blindly to the safety of the lodge. Locking the door behind her, she fell trembling onto the bed. Drawing up her legs, trying to assuage her deep inner ache, she tried to understand what had happened. That embrace – and it had been only an embrace – had been more intense and disorientating even than the last time they’d… This time, she could read little wrong into her
actions
. But her feelings…? Why was it all so confusing, so unsettling – why did she still have these devastating, uncontrollable feelings for Seth?

Seth walked for hours, and still the hunger in his mind raged. Walking around the side of the house, he spotted the crystal-clear, icy-cold swimming pool. Acting on impulse he pulled off his shirt and kicked off his shoes, lastly stepping out of his trousers. Striding determinedly to the deep end, he drew in a deep breath and dived. The shock of the icy water engulfing his warm body, driving the breath from his lungs. Ignoring his rebellious muscles’ reaction to the freezing water, he started across its length with a smooth, fast crawl. Soon he was oblivious to the numbing coldness, his arms slicing through the water. Only an hour later did he drag his exhausted body out of the pool. Lying flat on his back, Seth gasped oxygen into his burning lungs. Eyes closed, fists clenched tightly at his sides, he didn’t notice the chill in the air, or see the beauty of the stars in the inky-black sky. Forcing himself to his feet, Seth rubbed himself as best he could with his shirt. Beginning to shiver, he picked up the rest of his clothes and quickly entered the house. His tired muscles relaxed long before his mind eventually closed down and allowed him to sleep for the night.

Chapter Thirteen

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

(Jeremiah 29:11)

Claire vaguely heard the knock on her door… but snuggled deeper under the covers, choosing to ignore it. A hour later, it was the sound of birdsong and monkey chatter that finally brought her out of her sleepy state. Stripping off the clothes in which she’d slept, she pulled on her dressing gown. Her breakfast tray had been deposited outside her door. The eggs had congealed, and one slice of toast had become soggy due to the now cold fried tomato on it. Sighing, Claire carried the tray inside and made a pot of tea. Salvaging what she could, she ate some of the meal. After this unappetising start, Claire stepped under the piping-hot shower water to acclimatise herself to the day. Even though she had, so far, managed to block Seth out of her mind, her skin still remembered the touch of his hands. Roughly towelling herself dry, Claire tried to regain some sort of peace of mind.

Standing before the full-length mirror, she studied her body critically. For once Claire’s self-appraisal was not abstract, but of physical reality – and wasn’t wholly negative. Her eyes took in her halo of hair, her narrow waist, her slim legs… All in all, she supposed she didn’t look bad: she had seen better and worse. What she could not understand, though, was why this body of hers was suddenly betraying her.
Is desire something that clicks into action when one reached a certain age or maturity – or a certain vulnerability?
she wondered. If so, why was it only Seth who awakened this latent feeling within her? Grabbing the first items of clothing her fingers touched, she dressed. Knowing it was hopeless to try and work when her thoughts were in such turmoil, Claire started packing for the National Park trip she knew she wouldn’t be able to avoid. She felt apprehensive about going with Seth now, but clung to the comfort that Naomi was accompanying them. Apparently unaware that her radiant and increasing happiness wasn’t universal, Naomi seemed, to Claire, oblivious to the tension that arose whenever Seth and Claire were near each other.

Soaking in a steaming-hot bath, Seth felt pleasantly tired after his bad night’s sleep and the work he’d already done that morning. He’d always believed in doing at least his share of the ranch’s necessary labour himself, as opposed to delegating it. He felt it was a matter of honour that he could, and often did, put in a good ten-hour day with the ranch hands, and their relationship with him had been made stronger as a consequence. The work was also, of course, a particularly productive distraction from his thoughts.

After the fiasco of the previous night’s episode with Claire, he had decided again to leave her strictly alone. He knew he could not give her the permanence she seemed to crave. Now, he just had to get through these next few days at the National Park. After that, he told himself, he would be able to cope by burying himself in work and keeping to himself until Claire went home and out of his life forever. The whole morning, Seth had grappled with different excuses, trying to find a way out of the proposed trip. Realising finally that it was pointless to avoid the issue, and assuring himself of his ability to handle himself even in Claire’s proximity, he left things as they were.

Later, after tea and scones and once Seth had discussed last-minute work instructions with Tony, Claire followed Seth to the BMW and left Naomi and Tony to say their goodbyes in private. Beyond a curt greeting Seth had not spoken to her, and both, independently, wondered just how uncomfortable the trip was going to be.

Joining them soon afterwards, Naomi insisted that Claire sit in front with Seth as she planned on getting forty winks – which offer Claire was not quick enough to counter. During the beginning of the drive, however, Naomi kept them amused with tales of her previous trips to the National Park, with other visitors.

Claire determinedly kept her eyes off Seth, who seemed quite content to drive in silence. Soon after they reached the main road, though, Naomi was dozing on the back seat and the quiet became pervasive. Claire pretended avid interest in the passing bush and, obviously equally uncomfortable, Seth switched on the stereo to fill the car with the drone of the radio. Its low hum, and the endless swish of the tyres on the tarmac, lulled Claire into a light doze. Eyes closed, head bumping gently up and down against the head rest, she was content to feign sleep. This way, she did not have to feel guilty about not speaking to Seth. Pretence soon became reality and, before she knew it, a firm hand was shaking her. Naomi’s voice reached her through her dream: “Wake up, sleepy-head – we’re almost there!”

Opening her eyes, Claire pushed herself up on the seat. They had stopped in front of a boom gate, and a khaki-clad park official was writing down the car particulars. As they drove through the gates, Claire noted the hotel further along the dirt road, and the surrounding lodge area. Stopping outside the reception building, Naomi suggested the other two order lunch while she checked them in and collected the keys for the lodges – but Seth quickly offered to do it himself, and strode away.

Claire looked around; the hotel was tastefully laid out. Thatched rooves and glitterstone floors gave the whole place a cool, peaceful air. As they passed through into the restaurant, she saw there were only a few other groups of people scattered around on the long veranda. Claire’s gaze took in the panoramic view from where she and Naomi sat down. The hotel was built on a natural plateau and overlooked a vast plain. Not far away, she could clearly see a muddy waterhole. It was beautiful.

The two girls sat in companionable silence in the cool restaurant, glancing over the menu until a smartly-dressed waiter came to take their order. Looking across at Claire for acquiescence, Naomi ordered the ‘menu of the day’ for the three of them, and Seth joined them just as their drinks were delivered. Lunch was lovely: a thick, creamy vegetable soup, followed by roast beef with all the trimmings. Then there was ice cream and fruit salad for those who wanted dessert – which Claire did.

After lunch, Seth dropped the girls outside their lodge before driving on to his, telling them that the rest of the afternoon was free until four o’clock, when they would meet at the hotel for a game drive. The lodges were comfortable and airy: each was a compact thatched dwelling surrounded by towering, shady trees. Barbeque areas had been built in front of each lodge, and Claire did not have to walk far to see the waterhole in the distance.

As Naomi unpacked, Claire picked up the hotel pamphlet she found on the coffee table. ‘Hwange National Park is one of the world’s most impressive wildlife reserves’, it read. Claire scanned the glossy pages. It had the largest concentration of elephants anywhere, as well.

“I’d better get lots of camera film, Naomi,” Claire said, excited. “Looks like we’re guaranteed to see some stunning sights in the next few days!”

Naomi nodded. “There are wooden game-viewing platforms overlooking the waterholes all over. I think we’ll go to one of them this afternoon. It’s still incredible seeing the teeming herds of wildlife coming down to drink – even for me, and I live here!”

Phoning through to the restaurant for a tray of tea, Naomi proposed they relax for an hour or so and then go for a walk – and maybe browse through the curio shop at the hotel.

“Seth’s probably gone to visit Craig Halloway. They’ve been friends since school, and they were at uni together as well. Craig, his wife and their sons live here at Sinematella; they oversee the running of the whole camp. We’ll probably be invited to a braai with them one evening, if you want to go?”

Claire nodded, and Naomi rattled on. “It’s not often Seth and Craig get together these days, what with both of them being so busy.” Naomi paused, noticing again the slight flicker across Claire’s eyes every time she mentioned her brother’s name. She’d suspected things were developing in an odd way there – despite her own contented preoccupation, the tension between them hadn’t gone unnoticed. She just hadn’t wanted to get involved. Only now, seeing Claire so ill able to disguise her vulnerability, she decided to ask.

“Look, is there something going on between the two of you, Claire?” She saw Claire’s eyes dart uncomfortably away. “He’s not said anything at all,” Naomi reassured her; “I’ve just never known my brother to be so… well, so
moody
!” Naomi looked at Claire expectantly.

Swallowing, Claire walked to the window, her mind racing. Eventually, she answered with her back to Naomi. “No – nothing’s going on with us, Naomi. I don’t know what’s wrong with him, but I think I can say with confidence that I am not the cause of Seth’s moods.”

Although she hated lying, Claire had decided not to make the problems she and Seth were causing for one another known to Naomi: she deserved to concentrate on her coming wedding, and not be worried about their confused feelings.

Seeing Claire’s defensiveness, Naomi reprimanded herself for trying to interfere. She chose to change the subject. “Claire, I was thinking about what you told me about Ireland – how would you feel if Tony and I came to stay with you for a bit next year?”

Claire answered her enthusiastically, turning from the window with a smile. “Of course you can come! I’d love to have you. There are loads of places to see – I might even be able to rival some of Zimbabwe’s sights! And you can meet Aunt Ellen…” Her thoughts turning to home, Claire trailed off, and came to sit down. The prospect of arriving back in Ireland had been on her mind more and more over the past few days, but she’d not yet put her worries into words. “Naomi, I’ve barely let myself think about it, but it’s going to be so strange living in the house without my parents.”

Naomi looked over at her friend with sympathy. She knew exactly how she felt. Reaching over to hold Claire’s hand, she nodding in understanding. “There’s no way out of it: it’ll always be hard for you to adjust, Claire. But at least you have your aunt close by – you’re really close, aren’t you? Seth and I found so much strength in each other after it happened to us, so she should be a real comfort to you. Plus, look at how much you’ve done and changed since you got here! I think that by the time you go home you’ll be ready to face all the changes, no matter how awful they are.”

Claire squeezed Naomi’s hand in gratitude. She really hoped she was right.

Standing and moving the tea tray to an outside table, Naomi locked the lodge and they walked the long way around to the hotel, taking in what they could of its grounds
en route
. Only a few tourists remained when they arrived, the main crowd obviously having gone in to eat lunch. The curio shop was open, and Claire was glad to browse amongst more trinkets. She was really getting used to shopping again, she smiled to herself, reflecting on her reluctance even to pick out her own holiday clothes before coming to Zimbabwe.

A young girl sat behind the shop counter, reading. Putting down her book, she eagerly assisted Claire, who had spotted a glass cabinet in the corner of the shop that contained numerous books on the National Park and the animal species found there. Claire soon found what she was looking for: a book with vivid pictures of all the wildlife in the National Park, as well as a write-up about each animal. Claire knew she would look at it often once she got back home. Continuing to browse, she now couldn’t resist buying herself a wrap-around khaki skirt with a safari frieze printed across the bottom and a lovely pair of leather sandles – and, spotting a rack of postcards, chose four with close-up pictures of animals on them. She and Naomi also bought more films for their cameras. Paying for her items with a traveller’s cheque, Claire followed Naomi onto the veranda, quietly pleased with her splurge.

Before they had seated themselves, a smiling waiter came to see if he could get them anything. Smilingly requesting a refreshing pitcher of cordial, the girls pushed their wrought-iron chairs into the sunlight. They flicked through Claire’s new book, anticipating which breeds they’d be able to see, and the minutes ticked past in a relaxed haze. Sitting back and looking out over the Reserve, Claire noticed that the heat was causing the surface of the waterhole to shimmer and sparkle, and the air around it to rise in ripples. Occasionally, an animal braved the heat to trot cautiously to the water’s edge and drink thirstily. Naomi and Claire relaxed in the sun like two lazy lizards, their bodies absorbing the warm rays.

“Hey, you two – here’s someone who wants to say ‘Hi’!” Seth’s voice disturbed them, dragging them out of their semi-comas. Claire turned her head, and her eyes fed impetuously on the figure of Seth striding closer before she could stop them. Today he wore cargo longs and a faded ‘Save the Rhino’ t-shirt, both of which garments hugged the contours of his physique faithfully. Swallowing, mouth and throat dry, Claire stood up at the same time as Naomi. She hung back as Naomi ran across the floor, throwing her arms around the shoulders of the man standing beside Seth.

The sun-browned, slender stranger swung Naomi around, saying laughingly, “So, squirt, you did eventually grow up!”

Swatting him playfully on the arm as he lowered her to the floor, Naomi answered.

“Same to you, Craig! How are Cheryl and the boys?”

Before he could answer, they had reached the spot where Claire stood, waiting slightly awkwardly to be introduced. Craig held out a friendly hand to her.

“Hi – you must be Claire. I’m Craig. How have you found your stay in Zims so far? These two treating you okay?”

Smiling, Claire shook his hand, and wondered which question to answer first. But Naomi pushed her arm through Craig’s, drawing his attention back to her.

“Oh, yes – you asked something, didn’t you, squirt? Well, Cheryl’s in Hwange with Travis and Guy. They had their tonsils out about ten days ago. In fact, I was just telling Seth that they’ll be home sometime this afternoon. How about we all get together for a braai tomorrow evening?”

Having discussed the possibility with Claire already, Naomi agreed for all of them and turned to glance at her friend. She saw that Claire’s eyes, as if driven by some invisible magnetic force, had met Seth’s. Naomi turned back, hoping Claire knew what she was doing, and spoke further to Craig about his family.