Clan of the Cave Bear (52 page)

Suddenly Ayla was horrified. Oh, no! What if Broud makes me do it again? I won’t go back. I can’t go back. Where can I go? My little cave? No, it’s too close, and I can’t stay there in winter. I have to go back, I can’t live alone, where else can I go? And I can’t leave Iza, and Creb, and Uba. What am I going to do? If Broud wants it, I can’t refuse him. None of the other women would even try. What’s wrong with me? He never wanted that when I was still a girl. Why did I have to become a woman? I was so happy about it, now I wouldn’t care if I was a girl all my life. I’ll never have a baby anyway. What good is being a woman if you can’t have a baby? Especially if a man can make you do something like that? What good is it anyway? What’s it for?

The sun was low when she plodded back up the knoll to look for her ptarmigan. The eggs, cushioned so carefully,
were crushed, and stained the front of her wrap. She looked back at the creek and remembered how happy she was watching the birds. It seemed ages ago, another time, another place. She dragged herself back to the cave, dreading every step.

As Iza watched the sun disappear behind the trees in the west, she grew more anxious. She walked partway up all the paths in the nearby woods and to the ridge to scan the slope toward the steppes. A woman shouldn’t be out alone; I never do like it when Ayla hunts, Iza thought. What if she was attacked by some animal? Maybe she’s hurt? Creb was concerned, too, though he tried not to show it. Even Brun began to worry as it grew dark. Iza was the first to see her walking toward the cave from the ridge. She started to scold her for making her worry, but stopped before her first gesture.

“Ayla! You’re hurt! What happened?”

“Broud beat me,” she motioned, her expression dull.

“But why?”

“I disobeyed him,” the young woman gestured as she walked into the cave and straight to the hearth.

What could have happened? Iza wondered. Ayla hasn’t disobeyed Broud for years. Why would she rebel against him now? And why didn’t he tell me he saw her? He knew I was worried. He’s been back since noon, why is Ayla so late? Iza cast a quick glance in the direction of Broud’s hearth and saw him staring across the boundary stones at Ayla, against all good manners, with a pleased smirk on his face.

Creb had taken in the whole scene: Ayla’s bruised and swollen face and look of utter desolation, Broud watching her from the moment she returned with an arrogant sneer. He knew Broud’s hatred had grown over the years—her placid obedience seemed to affect him worse than her girlish rebellion—but something had happened that gave Broud a sense of power over her. As perceptive as Creb was, he could not have guessed the cause.

Ayla was afraid to leave the hearth the next day, dawdling over her morning meal as long as she could. Broud was waiting for her. Thinking about his intense excitement of the day before had him stimulated and ready. When he gave her the signal, she almost bolted, but forced herself to assume the position. She tried to repress her cries, but the pain forced them from her lips, causing curious glances
from those who happened to be nearby. They could no more understand why she was crying out in pain than they could understand Broud’s sudden interest in her.

Broud reveled in his newfound dominance over Ayla and used her often, though many people wondered why he chose the ugly woman he hated over his own comely mate. After a time, it was no longer painful, but Ayla detested it. And it was her hatred that Broud enjoyed. He had put her in her place, gained superiority over her, and finally found a way to make her react to him. It didn’t matter that her response was negative, he preferred it. He wanted to see her cower, to see her fear, to see her force herself to submit. Just thinking about it stimulated him. He had always had a strong drive; now he was more sexually active than ever. Every morning that he wasn’t away hunting, he waited for her, usually forced her again in the evening and sometimes at midday as well. He even found himself aroused at night and used his mate to relieve himself. He was young and healthy, at the peak of his sexual prowess, and the more intensely she hated him, the more pleasure he derived.

Ayla lost her sparkle. She was dispirited, morose, unresponsive to anything else. The only emotion she felt was an all-consuming hatred of Broud and his daily penetration of her. Like a massive glacier that sucks all moisture from the surrounding land, her loathing and bitter frustration drained away all other feelings.

She had always kept herself clean, washing herself and her hair in the stream to keep it free of lice, even bringing in large bowls of snow to set beside the constantly burning fire to melt for fresh water in winter. Now her hair hung limp in greasy tangles and she wore the same wrap day in and day out, not bothering to clean the spots or let it air out. She dragged at her chores until men who had never before scolded were rebuking her. She lost interest in Iza’s medicines, never talked except to answer direct questions, seldom hunted and often returned empty-handed when she did. Her despondency cast a pall on everyone else around Creb’s hearth.

Iza was beside herself with worry; she couldn’t understand the drastic change in Ayla. She knew it was because of Broud’s inexplicable interest in her, but why it should have that effect was beyond the woman. She hovered over Ayla, watching her constantly, and when the young woman
first began to get sick in the mornings, she was afraid that whatever evil spirit had gotten into her was gaining a greater hold.

But Iza was an experienced medicine woman. She was the first to notice when Ayla did not keep herself in the nominal isolation required of women when their totems battled, and watched her adopted daughter even closer. She could hardly believe what she suspected. But by the time another moon had passed and the summer was waxing into full heat, Iza was sure. Early one evening when Creb was away from the hearth, she beckoned to Ayla.

“I want to talk to you.”

“Yes, Iza,” Ayla replied, hauling herself up from her fur and slumping down in the dirt near the woman.

“When was the last time your totem battled, Ayla?”

“I don’t know.”

“Ayla, I want you to think about it. Have the spirits fought within you since the blossoms dropped?”

The young woman tried to think. “I’m not sure, maybe once.”

“That’s what I thought,” Iza said. “You’re getting sick in the mornings, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” she nodded. Ayla thought her sickness was because every morning that Broud wasn’t gone hunting, he was there, waiting for her, and she hated it so much, she was losing her breakfast, and sometimes her evening meal, too.

“Have your breasts felt sore?”

“A little.”

“And they’ve grown larger, too, haven’t they?”

“I think so. Why are you asking? Why all these questions?”

The woman looked at her seriously. “Ayla, I don’t know how it happened, I can hardly believe it, but I’m sure it’s true.”

“What’s true?”

“Your totem has been defeated; you are going to have a baby.”

“A baby? Me? I can’t have a baby,” Ayla protested. “My totem is too strong.”

“I know, Ayla. I can’t understand it, but you are going to have a baby,” Iza repeated.

A look of wonder crept into Ayla’s unresponsive eyes. “Can it be true! Can it really be true! Me, have a baby? Oh, mother, how wonderful!”

“Ayla, you’re not mated. I don’t think there’s a man in the clan who will take you, even as second woman. You can’t have a child without a mate, it might be unlucky,” Iza motioned earnestly. “It would be best to take something to lose it. I think mistletoe would be best. You know, the plant with the small white berries that grows high in the oak. It’s very effective and, if properly handled, not too dangerous. I’ll make you a tea of the leaves with just a few berries. It will help your totem expel the new life. It will make you a little sick, but …”

“No! No!” Ayla was shaking her head vigorously. “Iza, no. I don’t want to take mistletoe. I don’t want to take anything to lose it. I want a baby, mother. I’ve wanted one ever since Uba was born. I never thought it would be possible.”

“But Ayla, what if the baby is unlucky? It might even be deformed.”

“It won’t be unlucky, I won’t let it. I promise, I’ll take good care of myself so it will be healthy. Didn’t you say a strong totem helps to make a healthy baby once it succumbs? And I’ll take good care of it after it’s born, I won’t let anything happen. Iza, I’ve got to have this baby. Don’t you see? My totem may never be defeated again. This may be my only chance.”

Iza looked into the pleading eyes of the young woman. It was the first spark of life she had seen since the day Broud beat her while she was out hunting. She knew she should insist that Ayla take the medicine; it wasn’t right for an unmated woman to give birth if it could be helped. But Ayla wanted the baby so desperately, she might go into a worse depression if she was made to give it up. And maybe she was right—it might be her only chance.

“All right, Ayla,” she acquiesced. “If you want it so much. It would be best not to mention it to anyone yet; they’ll know soon enough.”

“Oh, Iza,” she said, and gave the woman a hug. As the miracle of her impossible pregnancy filled her, a smile danced across her face. She jumped up, charged with energy. She couldn’t sit still, she just had to do something.

“Mother, what are you cooking tonight? Let me help.”

“Aurochs stew,” the woman replied, amazed at the sudden transformation in the young woman. “You can cut up the meat if you want.”

As the two women worked, Iza realized she had almost
forgotten what a joy Ayla could be. Their hands flew, talking and working, and Ayla’s interest in medicine suddenly returned.

“I didn’t know about mistletoe, mother,” Ayla remarked. “I know about ergot and sweet rush, but I didn’t know mistletoe could make a woman lose a baby.”

“There will always be some things I haven’t told you about, Ayla, but you’ll know enough. And you know how to test; you will always be able to keep learning. Tansy will work, too, but it can be more dangerous than mistletoe. You use the whole plant—flowers, leaves, roots—and boil it. If you fill the water up to here,” Iza pointed to a mark on the side of one of her medicine bowls, “and boil it down to a cup this size,” Iza held up a bone cup, “it should be about right. One cup is usually enough. Chrysanthemum flowers sometimes work. It’s not as dangerous as mistletoe or tansy, but not always effective, either.”

“That would be better for women who tend to lose babies easily. It’s better to use something milder if it will work—less dangerous.”

“That’s right. And Ayla, there’s something else you should know about.” Iza looked around to make sure Creb was still gone. “No man must ever learn of this; it is a secret known only to medicine women, and not all of them know it. It’s best not even to tell a woman. If her mate asked her, she’d have to tell him. No one will ask a medicine woman. If a man ever found out, he would forbid it. Do you understand?”

“Yes, mother,” Ayla nodded, surprised at Iza’s secrecy and very curious.

“I didn’t think you’d ever need to know this for yourself, but you should know it as a medicine woman anyway. Sometimes, if a woman has a very difficult birth, it’s best if she never has any more children. A medicine woman can give her the medicine without ever telling her what it is. There are other reasons that a woman might not want a child. Some plants have special magic, Ayla. They make a woman’s totem very strong, strong enough to stop a new life from ever starting.”

“You know magic to prevent pregnancy, Iza? Can a weak woman’s totem become that strong? Any totem? Even if a mog-ur makes a charm to give strength to a man’s totem?”

“Yes, Ayla. That’s why a man must never find out. I used it myself after I was mated. I didn’t like my mate; I wanted
him to give me to another man. I thought if I never had children, he wouldn’t want to keep me,” Iza confessed.

“But you did have a child. You had Uba.”

“Maybe after a long time the magic loses strength. Maybe my totem didn’t want to fight anymore, maybe he wanted me to have a child. I don’t know. Nothing works all the time. There are forces stronger than any magic, but it worked for many years. No one understands spirits completely, not even Mog-ur. Who would have thought your totem could be defeated, Ayla?” The medicine woman glanced around quickly. “Now, before Creb comes, you know the little yellow vine with tiny leaves and flowers?”

“Golden thread?”

“Yes, that’s the one. Sometimes it’s called strangle weed because it kills the plant it grows on. Let it dry, crush about this much in the palm of your hand, boil it in enough water to fill the bone cup until the decoction is the color of ripe hay. Drink two swallows every day that the spirit of your totem is not fighting.”

“Doesn’t it also make a good poultice for stings and bites?”

“Yes, and that gives you a good reason to have it around, but the poultice is used on the skin, outside the body. To give your totem strength, you drink it. There’s something else you must take, while your totem is fighting. The root of antelope sage, dried or fresh. Boil it and drink the water, one bowl every day you are isolated,” Iza continued.

“Isn’t that the plant with the ragged leaf that’s good for Creb’s arthritis?”

“That’s the one. I know of one other, but I’ve never used it. It’s the magic of another medicine woman; we traded knowledge. There is a certain yam—it doesn’t grow around here, but I’ll show you how it is different from the ones that do. Cut it into chunks and boil it down and mash it into a thick paste, then let it dry and pound it into a powder. It takes a lot, half a bowl of the powder mixed with water to make it a paste again, every day you are not isolated, when the spirits are not fighting.”

Creb entered the cave and saw the two women deeply engrossed in conversation. He could see the difference in Ayla immediately. She was animated, attentive, thoughtful, smiling. She must have snapped out of it, he thought, limping toward his hearth.

“Iza!” he announced loudly to get their attention. “Must a man starve around here?”

The woman jumped up looking a little guilty, but Creb didn’t notice. He was so pleased to see Ayla busily working and talking, he didn’t see Iza.