Clarity (11 page)

“Look at you,” Carmen says in wonder. “I’ve never seen a smile like that on your face before. Helen… are you in love with him?”

Her astonishment and questioning quickly returns me to reality. My enjoyment of the ruse is dampened by the guilt from lying to my sister—and the reminder that I am actually just a lonely hermit writer without any friends. “I don’t know,” I tell her, “but I think I’d like to be.”

“I’m glad for you, Helen. I was really… worried. For the longest time.” Carmen breathes a sigh of relief. “You have no idea, darling—how I worry about you.”

“Really?” I say in surprise.

“Yes.” She hesitates. “Hellie? If I ask you something, do you promise not to get mad?”

“Sure,” I say in confusion.

Carmen moves over to me, and places a hand on my arm tentatively. “Are you okay? Are you really, truly okay? I just—I always thought… Well, I got the feeling that something terrible happened three years ago. Something more than you were telling us. You really changed, almost overnight.”

I turn my head to the left to look in the direction of the wall. I want to conceal my expressions from her as all traces of my smile disappear. “I just took losing Mom really hard,” I explain in a distant voice.

She moves forward to hug me. “I know. We all did. Just when you got mugged, and you came home with all those bruises, and locked yourself in your room…”

I clear my throat loudly, pulling out of her hug and standing up. “Hey, isn’t it time for your hair and makeup? Won’t your photographer be here soon? I should probably go and shave my legs.”

“Yes!” she shouts. “Get rid of that forest, fast. If you need help, give me a shout.”

“Pfft,” I say in contempt. “I can shave by touch quite easily. I just like to complain because I’m lazy. You know that.”

She laughs lightly. “I’ve missed you, little sister. I can’t wait to meet your doctor—and I can’t wait for you to meet my fiancé! I’m not usually separated from him for this long, but we’re doing that whole traditional thing where the bride and groom don’t see each other for a little while before the wedding. It’s supposed to make it more magical and emotional when we see each other again later today.”

“Sounds romantic,” I say with a yawn.

“Don’t make fun of me,” she says, shoving me a little. “You’ll understand someday. Now go and get ready.” She stoops to pick something up, and hooks it over my arm. “And for heaven’s sake,
wear the thong.”

“I thought that
I
was going to be your maid of honor,” says Carmen’s friend jealously. Her voice is small and whiny, and it’s unpleasant being in the same room with her.

“Yes, but that’s before I knew Helen would be coming home,” Carmen explains. “I’m sorry, Sabrina. She’s my sister.”

I feel a little embarrassed for stealing the poor girl’s joyful moment. She must not have too many. Shifting in my chair, with my ultra-soft, newly shaved legs rubbing against each other, I allow the makeup artist to apply foundation to my face. I feel the fabric of Carmen’s thong nestling into my bottom, and it does somehow give me an odd burst of confidence. “I haven’t been around for a while, and I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes,” I say as the makeup artist dusts blush across my cheekbones. “Sabrina can be the maid of honor if she wants.”

“But I’m the bride, and I want you, Helen,” Carmen insists. I hear the click of a curling iron releasing a section of her hair. She makes a noise of frustration. “Where’s Emma? She should be here by now.”

“Oh, didn’t you hear?” Sabrina asks in the gossipy tone of a schoolgirl. “Emma’s having some issues.”

“Issues?” Carmen repeats with concern. “She didn’t tell me anything. Is she going to miss my wedding?”

“I don’t think so, but she might be late.” Sabrina sighs. “Haven’t you heard? She caught Jacob cheating on her a few days ago. They’ve been fighting since then, but she finally decided to move out this morning. They’re getting a divorce.”

“No way,” Carmen whispers. “Jacob and Emma split up? But they’ve been together since high school. They’re the best couple I know.”

“I guess none of us are safe,” Sabrina laments. “Frankly, I don’t know why you’re getting married at all. Shit’s just going to go horribly wrong. It always does.”

I simply cannot believe how dumb and insensitive Sabrina is being. As the makeup artist deftly applies my eye shadow, I try very hard to keep from interjecting and yelling at the annoying woman. It’s clear to see that Carmen is under enough pressure, without stressing her out more about her impending wedding. I can hear the catch in my sister’s breathing, indicating that she is about to begin hyperventilating.

“I can’t… I can’t…” Carmen pulls her hair out of her curling iron and the barrel clicks shut. She tosses it onto her dresser, and it clatters to a halt. Standing up, she begins to pace and tries to calm her breathing. “I can’t believe he’d do that to her. Why? Jacob has always been the sweetest guy.”

“Who knows why men do half the things they do?” Sabrina mutters callously. “They all end up revealing their true colors eventually.”

“Oh god,” Carmen moans. “Oh god, what am I doing? I’m not ready. This is crazy. I’m going to ruin my whole life…”

“Hey, hey,” I tell her softly, holding my hand up to instruct the makeup artist to pause. I am sorely vexed with Sabrina for aggravating my sister. “It’s going to be fine, Carm. I don’t know your fiancé, but from what you’ve told me, he sounds like the type of guy who would never hurt you like that.”

“I don’t know,” Sabrina says skeptically. “Jacob and Emma were together for twelve years, and we all thought they were solid. If they can fall apart so easily, then nothing’s safe.”

Carmen takes several quick, shallow breaths. “Get Grayson. Please. I’m freaking out.”

“What?” Sabrina says with a frown. “But you haven’t finished your hair and makeup yet, or even put on your dress. It will ruin your first look.”

“Fuck the first look!” Carmen shouts. “I need to see Grayson. Now. Please, Sabby. He should be here by now. Will you go get him? I need to see my man. I need to remember why I’m doing this.”

Sabrina makes a sound of displeasure. “At least get your dress on first. This destroys a perfectly good tradition.”

“I really don’t care about tradition right now,” Carmen says, as she struggles to breathe.

Pushing my makeup artist aside slightly, I move over to my sister and touch her arm. “Hey,” I tell her softly. “It’s going to be fine, Carm. You’re going to be happy.”

“What if—what if something goes wrong?” Carmen demands. “Almost half of all marriages end up in divorce. What if I end up being another statistic?”

“You won’t,” I tell her firmly. “You’re too smart. You’re too funny, beautiful, and amazing. Any guy would be an idiot to let you get away. Come on, Carm. Pull it together.” I grasp her wrists gently and squeeze them in a reassuring way.

“I’m going to cry,” she says with a small, derisive laugh at herself. “I can’t do this, Helen. I want it so badly, but I’m just not ready.”

“Forget Grayson,” Sabrina says solemnly. “What you need is a drink! Shall I get us a bottle of champagne to sip on while we get ready?”

“No,” Carmen says. “I need
him
. I need my fiancé. If you don’t bring him for me, I’ll go to him myself.”

“No, no,” Sabrina says in disappointment. “I’ll go find Grayson. Just put on your dress!”

When Sabrina leaves the room, I breathe a sigh of relief. “God, Carm! Didn’t you have any better choices for women to have as bridesmaids?” I ask her.

“You might find this hard to believe,” she tells me, “but I actually don’t have too many female friends. I can’t deal with how catty and superficial they are. They’re also always jealous, for one reason or another. Sabrina and Emma were just going to be there to make it look like I’m not a total loser.”

I smile at this. I do know that while other women tend to be attracted to Carmen, and while she is polite and friendly to most of them, she keeps them at an arm’s length. “Let’s get you into that dress,” I tell her.

“Okay,” she says anxiously, moving across the room to retrieve it from its plastic packaging. She heads toward the bathroom to change so that the makeup artists and hair stylist won’t see her nude. “I guess this is really happening,” she murmurs.

“What kind of dress is it?” I ask as I follow her across the room.

“It’s a strapless mermaid-style gown,” she tells me, closing the bathroom door behind us. I can hear her running her hand over the embroidery. “I wish you could see it. It’s covered in pearls and Swarovski crystals. It’s really something.”

“I bet you’ll be unforgettable,” I tell her with confidence. “Now put it on!”

A rustling is heard as she fumbles with the material. She thrusts the dress into my hands.

“Hold this for a moment,” she tells me as she unties her robe and steps barefoot onto the ground.

I feel Carmen unzip the dress in my hands and step into it, and I help to lift the heavy garment around her body.

“Oh, I’m feeling better already,” she says with a sigh of contentment. “Will you zip me up?”

When she turns around, I brush my hands over the gown, searching for the zipper. When I finally locate it, I begin tugging it up. I am surprised when it gets stuck near her lower back. Biting down on my lip, I try again. The zipper won’t go up. I grasp the sides of the fabric and pull them closer together, before trying to zip once more. A frown settles on my face.

“It doesn’t fit?” Carmen asks me in alarm. “God. Did I get too fat?”

“Put your arms straight up and stretch your body out,” I instruct her. She follows my directions, and with some gentle pulling and tugging, coaxing the zipper up and down, it finally travels up the length of her back.

“Oh my god,” she breathes. “I was seconds away from having a full-blown panic attack.”

“Pfft,” I say in dismissal. “You’re fine. It’s a good thing you didn’t have any cupcakes, though.”

“Helen…” she begins saying softly. Her voice is breaking like she might cry.

A knock sounds on the bathroom door. “Miss Winters, we really need to get back to doing your hair and makeup,” says the makeup artist. “We’re running out of time before the wedding photographs.”

“Okay! Be right out!” Carmen shouts, before turning back to me. She sniffles, as though trying very hard to fight back her tears. “Helen, I just—”

“What is it?” I ask her.

“I—I need a Tylenol,” Carmen grumbles, moving over to the medicine cabinet. She is struggling to open the cap on the bottle when a male voice is heard coming from her bedroom, she abruptly drops the container of pills into the sink.

“Carmen?” says the man’s soft and tender voice.

My blood runs cold.

“Are you here, honey?” he asks gently. “I couldn’t wait to see you either.”

I stumble back against the bathroom wall, my face frozen.

“Oh, thank god!” Carmen says. “He’s here. Helen, you have to meet my fiancé!”

My heart is pounding like a stampede within my chest. There are a thousand beasts racing across the savannah of my insides, spurred on by crushing fear. My mind has trouble forming logical thoughts, as my body reacts in sheer terror. No. This isn’t possible. Prickles of hot panic spread through my neck and spine. A thin film of cool sweat has instantly covered my freshly showered skin from head to toe.

“Gray!” Carmen whispers as she runs out of the bathroom in her wedding dress, and throws herself into her fiancé’s arms. I hear her dissolving into tears. “I’ve missed you,” she sobs. “I missed you so much.”

I hear him catch her and plant a kiss on her lips. “I’ve missed you more, darling. Let’s make sure that’s the last night we ever spend apart.”

I feel like I’m going to throw up. This can’t be right. I have heard that people have doppelgangers who look almost identical to them—perhaps Grayson’s voice just happens to be very similar to the voice that haunts my nightmares. It’s highly unlikely that he is who I believe he is…

The sound of Carmen’s crying filters into the bathroom.

“Shhhhh,” says Grayson in a soothing voice. “Just relax, honey. I’m here.”

“It’s been so hard—I’m freaking out about everything,” Carmen says through her tears.

For a moment, I almost can convince myself that this isn’t really happening. If my sister loves this man, he must be a good person. There is no possible way that he is the monster who…

“Think about calm ocean breezes,” Grayson tells her in a soft and melodic whisper. “Shhh, Carmen. My beloved Carmen.” He runs his hand over her back and presses a kiss against her forehead. “Think about soft waves of the ocean. Shhh. That’s all we are. Soft waves of the ocean.”

Something explodes inside me. I see red.

Although I can see nothing, I see everything. Everything is red.

I lunge forward and slam the bathroom door shut before the man can see me. I lock the door. Staggering back into the bathroom, I reach out and grasp for something, anything to give me support. Everything is spinning, and I cannot stand.

I grasp the shower curtain and tear it off the hooks as I fall to my knees. I hit my head on the ceramic edge of the tub, but I barely notice this due to the pain, dizziness, and nausea that has already seized my body. I press my face into the folds of the shower curtain, and scream. I scream at the top of my lungs. I scream bloody murder. I scream with years of pent up fury.

But no sound leaves my chest. It’s like I have forgotten how to speak.

He has stolen my breath, along with everything else.