Clarity (21 page)

“Wait. Listen, I’d like to get to know you again.”

“When did you ever know me?”

She shrugged. “When you were a baby, I suppose. You never wanted your dad, always me. It was constant with you: crying to be held by me, crying to be fed by me, only settling if I rocked you to sleep.”

“Oh, I’m so freaking sorry I was too needy as a baby. I was a baby! That’s how they’re supposed to act.”

She held up her hands. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I’m trying… I don’t know. That sort of thing never came naturally to me. And there’s never been a way to make up for that. But I thought maybe now was the perfect time, that maybe we could be friends?”

I stared at her. My mother wanted to be my friend. Perfect. “I don’t need any more friends, thanks.”

Her shoulders drooped, and she exhaled loudly. “I get it. You can’t forgive me.”

“It’s not about forgiveness.” I looked away, feeling a lump in my throat.

“If it helps, I would have been a lousy mother.”

“Right, well, thanks for running away to give me a better life.”

“You did have a better life. I never had any patience for the important things. But maybe we could do the not so important things together. Like shopping and talking about boys.”

“That’s not me.” I wished it was.

“You could always talk to me every now and then. I could be like your big sister.”

I jumped to my feet, unable to listen to anymore.

“Wait! All I want is a place in your life, but all of the good ones are taken!”

I flinched. “What are you talking about?”

“You have all of these people taking care of you.
Mam
, Stephen, his girlfriend. You have friends. You even have a boyfriend. I thought now was the time you would need me. I thought now would be the perfect time for us to reconnect. You know, when you’re independent enough not to lean on me so much, but not so grown up that you could do without having me around. But there’s no room for me, not really, and I thought… maybe we could make up a role for me.” She smiled, but it was really pathetic.

“But I
don’t
need you.”

She bit her lip. “What if I need you?”

“You’ve gotten by without me for this long. I just… I can’t believe you would randomly turn over a new leaf. There has to be more.”

“Does it really matter?”

“It matters to me.”

“Fine. I was coming to see your father anyway. To see you as well.”

Frowning, I studied her face, but she didn’t appear shifty.

“He applied for a separation a while back. We’ve been apart for so long that it wasn’t a big deal. He sent me divorce papers, and
Mam’s
being telling me about that… about his girlfriend. I mean, it’s obvious what his plans are.”

“What? Why didn’t he tell me?”

She shrugged. “Who knows why he does anything? Anyway,
Mam’s
worrying about it, so I came to talk to him, to make sure he didn’t have any plans to cut your grandmother out of your life, and to see… to see if I can fit myself back in.”

“He wouldn’t do that to us. He hasn’t been with
Erin
for long, so he’s hardly going to…”

“It’s going to be okay,” she said, touching my hand. I pulled it out of her reach.

A tear fell from her eye, surprising me. She wiped it away quickly. “I’m better than I was,” she said in a low voice. She moved as if to go inside, but I touched her arm hesitantly. She didn’t deserve another chance, but maybe I wanted to give her one anyway. She was still my mother, and with everything going on, maybe I did need someone else. She could never match up to Dad or Gran in my heart, but I quite liked the idea of getting rid of that little dark ball in the pit of my stomach, the one that made me feel as if I might be missing out on something by not having her around. It affected me more than I could admit, even to myself, and life was short. I’d learned that the hard way.

“Okay,” I said. “I can try. I could start over.”

“I was thinking I could go see your principal, explain why you shouldn’t do those exams your dad keeps nagging you about.”

“That would actually be great. Um, thanks.”

“And this thing with your boyfriend… your
dad’ll
get over it. Don’t take him too seriously, but don’t make a mistake either. You always have tomorrow. Remember that.”

I’d also learned exactly how false that kind of statement really was. Meredith hugged me briefly before heading back inside to fix her makeup. I couldn’t really understand how the woman was my mother, considering we had nothing in common, but I didn’t like the idea of holding grudges anymore. There was enough hate in my heart. Negative thoughts held me down. I wanted to break free. In my mind, I was really giving myself a fresh start. To make up for the bad I had done.

I leaned back on the bench and waited for Amelia, my head filled with thoughts of my parents. I was pretty sure both Meredith and Gran were overreacting about Dad, and I hoped Dad would understand why I was letting my mother reach out to me. I was pretty certain he wanted me to spend time with her so that I would see her true colours and never speak to her again. I had to have one of the weirdest families ever, I finally decided, although, maybe not as weird as Nathan’s.

A couple of younger kids from my school loitered at the hospital gate, and I eventually recognised Amelia among them. She seemed to hesitate before coming over to me on her own. I cheered up when I saw her approach, but then her face crumpled as she started to cry. For a second, I thought something had happened to Nathan, but I would have known. I would always know if he got hurt.

I pulled her into a hug, letting her cry against my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry about your dad. I don’t know what’s happening to us,” she blubbered.

“He’s going to be fine. He just needs a few days of rest.”

“
Opa
thinks he’s poisoned or something.”

“How would he know? Did something happen to Nathan and Jeremy?”

She sniffled and pulled back to look at me. “No, I haven’t heard anything yet. I feel really bad about everything, though, and I miss you at school.”

“No offence, but you look way more miserable than just missing me at school. Is something wrong? Did Tammie say something to you again?”

She choked out a laugh. “When she’s not ignoring me, she’s actually kind of nice. No, I’m a little stressed out. All of this family stuff and the dreams… it’s as if there’s something constantly weighing me down. I keep getting these migraines, but I suppose it’s because of the stress.”

“
Wanna
talk about the dreams?”

“They aren’t important. Not really. It’s how they make me feel when I wake up. As if I’m in the wrong place. And I’ve met a boy I kind of like. Except I care more about the people in my dreams than him.” The words rushed out of her mouth as if she had been holding them in for weeks and was relieved to finally let them out.

“That’s a little out there, Amelia.”

“Never mind! When are you coming back to school?”

I led her to the bench. “Not sure. Probably soon. Unless Dad signs me in to a mental institution.”

“Why would he do that?”

“Because he thinks I’m losing it.”

She wiped away the last of her tears. “Best not tell him I think I’m a reincarnated gypsy then.”

“You don’t… you don’t really think that, though. Do you?”

She stared me straight in the eye. “I don’t know what to believe,
Perdita
. But there are so many similarities between me and this dream girl. It’s freaking me out.”

“It’s probably just a dream,” I ventured.

“Yeah. I bet you said the same thing before we came along.”

I made a face at her. “Try not to dwell on the dreams. If they mean anything, you’ll know when you’re meant to.”

“Wow. Way to sort my problems.”

“I’m sorry. I’m worried about Nathan. I hate the idea of him working with that wolf. She bit my dad. How am I supposed to stop seeing her as the enemy?”

“How are we supposed to stop seeing either of them as the enemy?”

“I know. Trust me. But if you heard him, you’d see. You’d get it.”

I could see she wasn’t convinced, so I changed the subject. “How’s your grandfather been acting?”

“Weird. As always, nowadays.” She shook her head. “We had a huge fight, and… well, I can’t believe how much everything has changed. We were really happy when we moved here, and now everything is messed up. I want my
Opa
back.”

I felt a twinge of guilt at how I had been acting toward Gran. I had been able to make an attempt at building bridges with my mother. It wouldn’t take much more to make it up to Gran. I could lose her at any time, and the chance would be gone. I knew I would regret it if anything happened to her, and I had been too stubborn and angry to speak to her.

Amelia and I hung out for a few minutes longer, but she seemed eager to get back to her new friends. As I watched her join the others, a tiny part of me understood how Tammie must have felt when Amelia came along and became a big part of my life.

That evening, Stella gave me a lift home. I had been avoiding my house as much as possible, but I needed to see Gran and make amends. She actually seemed afraid when I walked in the house. She looked absolutely miserable, and all of the bitterness I had been feeling toward her melted away.

“I’m sorry I’ve been a bitch,” I said before I could change my mind. “I was scared and angry and stuff. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you so much.”

She hurried over and hugged me. “I didn’t mean to hurt you. I thought it would make everything better. I thought this would bring her home.”

I saw that she wanted her daughter back, even more than she wanted a mother for me. I had been drifting away from her for a while, so what was she left with except her daughter? It was just hard to remember that sometimes.

“I think she’ll be around more often, Gran,” I reassured her. “I think everything’s going to be okay. I’ve been thinking, and I don’t want to spend all of my time at the hospital anymore. I’m not going to stay at Joey’s house, either. I want to be at home again.”

“Oh, that’s such a relief. I missed having your grumpy little face around here.”

I laughed, and it felt good. Everything had been so stressful lately, and I had only made it worse by pushing away my own family. I needed them, all of them, for the normality they brought. I had let the werewolf thing get in the way for months. I would always feel the guilt over the incident in the woods, but having my family around made it easier to bear.

“Dad wants me to talk to somebody,” I said.

“Somebody?”

“Yeah, like a psychiatrist or something.”

Gran hid her laughter, but I was offended anyway.

“Why would he want you to talk to a psychiatrist?”

“’Cause he thinks I’ve gone crazy.”

“Oh. Well, don’t worry. It runs in the family. You won’t be alone.”

I felt so much better after talking to Gran. I wished I hadn’t waited so long. If the werewolf stuff had taught me anything, it was that family was important, and nobody lived forever. If something worse happened, I didn’t want to have any regrets I could have prevented.

Somewhere, deep down, I was preparing for war.

Nathan

Amelia and
Perdita
were upset. I had no choice. I had to speak up, once and for all. Everything had gone on for too long, and with Ryan and
Willow
on our side, we needed to make the most of it. I wasn’t exactly enjoying their company, but the mission was important enough to get past the hate. The enemy of my enemy. We all had the same goal in mind—get rid of Vin. Getting rid of his wolves would be the first message we could send him. We weren’t going to take his crap lying down. If he wanted us, he would have to come and get us himself.

I still had to persuade my grandfather it was a good plan. Jeremy had broached the subject with him earlier, and
Jakob
had shut down the idea without a second thought. Jeremy had been keen to find out more from Ryan, though, so we had to own up to the meeting.

First, I got Byron alone, hoping to bring him on our side.

“We need to talk.”

“Fine. Come into my office.”

“No,” I said. “I mean all of us. We need to fix this. The family is falling apart.”

He kept his eyes on me for a few seconds before nodding. “You’re right. He’s had enough time. We’re all grieving, but we can’t keep letting him get away with acting like a jerk.”

“Wow. That was easier than I expected.”

“I’m not entirely useless, Nathan.”

He rounded up the family, and an air of tension filled the room.

“We met with the wolf,” Jeremy began.

Opa
jumped to his feet, nostrils flaring. “You traitorous—”