Classics Mutilated (21 page)

Einstein stepped forward. "Me too."

"You too?" repeated the guard. "That's funny. You don't look too-ish."

"Actually," said another guard, "he does."

"Just get us there," said Einstein. "We're wasting time."

"Who are you to give us orders?"

"I'm Little Al, that's who," he said. Suddenly he closed his eyes and began chanting a spell. "
The area of a triangle is one half times the base length times the height of the triangle.
"

"Yes, sir," said the guard as he and his companions seemed to fall into a trancelike state. "This way, sir. Watch your step, sir."

"Thank you," said Einstein.

The guards led them to a truck.

"That looks uncomfortable," said Eleanor. "Haven't you got a car?"

"The
Fuhrer
has outlawed all makes and models but the Volkswagen," came the answer. "Except for his own fleet of Cadillacs, that is."

"So?"

"The Volkswagen is the smallest, most uncomfortable car in all of Europe," said the guard. "It reminds me of a beetle the way it hugs the ground. I know the
Fuhrer
is perfect and infallible and all that, but if he really thinks these undersized monstrosities are ever going to be popular…."

"They don't use much gas, though," noted one of his companions.

"You say that as if the world will ever run out of gas," said the guard.

"Science fiction writers are predicting that it may someday be so rare that it will cost as much as ten U.S. cents a gallon."

The guard shrugged his shoulders. "What can you expect from a bunch of unemployable daydreamers?" he said contemptuously. He turned to Eleanor and Einstein. "Are you ready?"

"Yes," said Eleanor.

"Then climb into the back and we'll be on our way."

"I may need a little help," said Einstein.

Three of the guards boosted him into the truck, then looked their disappointment when Eleanor was able to climb in on her own.  

As they rode, avoiding debris and craters in the street, they could hear the whistling sounds of bombs falling, followed by deafening explosions as they tore into the heart of Berlin. Eleanor looked out the back of the truck and saw several buildings on fire after a direct hit.

"It would appear that the Luftwaffe is no match for our American and British bombers," she remarked.

"Oh,
that
," said a guard with no show of emotion. "The
Fuhrer
assures us that we can shoot down the Allies' planes whenever we want."

"If you can, why don't you?" asked Eleanor. "The whole city is ablaze."

"The
Fuhrer
has explained that he only lets the bombers through to save money on electricity. You have no idea how expensive it is to light a modern city at night,
Fraulein
."

Eleanor and Einstein exchanged knowing looks.

"I just saw the two of you exchanging knowing looks," said a guard. "What do they mean?"

"They mean we agree that you've found a cost-effective way to light your city," said Einstein.

"It also saves us the cost of maintaining our streets," said the guard. "You know—painting lines down the middle, filling in potholes, that sort of thing."

"It does?" said Einstein curiously.

The guard smiled and pointed to a series of recently made craters. "No more streets. Now that money can be directed to other enterprises."

Einstein turned to Eleanor. "I'm surprised the war is still going on," he remarked.

"As soon as we find an economical way to cure eight hundred thousand cases of frostbite on the Russian front, we should finally have this war under control," said the guard.

"So you see, you're wasting your time," added another guard. "The war is all but over. Why chance having a gorgeous creature like your companion get torn to shreds by thirteen giant super Aryans?"

"Right," chimed in a third. "My apartment is just in the next block. We could stop there right now. You could sit in a corner and bury your nose in a book, while we and the little lady are having a party."

"What did you call me?" demanded Eleanor.

"The little lady," repeated the guard.

A tear rolled down her cheek. "That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in thirty years."

"So how about the party?" persisted the guard. "Are we all agreed?"

Eleanor uttered her semi-magical three words, and suddenly the truck picked up speed and headed straight for Gestapo headquarters.

Himmler entered the huge subterranean chamber, clapped his hands together, and called for his super Aryans' attention.

"They're on their way," he announced. "They'll be here any minute. I want you looking your best and most formidable. Line up."

"How?" asked Adolf.

"In a straight line, of course."

"I mean, by what criterion?"

"Numerically."

Heinrichs 1 through 12 lined up in numerical order.

"Where do
I
go?" asked Adolf.

"Just stand at one end or the other," said Himmler wearily.

"Which end?"

"
I don't care!
"
yelled Himmler.

Heinrich Number 8 raised his hand. "Excuse me a minute," he said, walking toward the bathroom with increasing haste. "I'll be right back."

"Take
his
place," said Himmler.

"But my name doesn't begin with an H."

"Just do it!" screamed Himmler.

Adolf shrugged, walked over, and stood between Heinrichs 7 and 9. "But I am in this spot under false pretenses," he complained.

"I could have been a farmer," muttered Himmler. "I was really good at milking cows and harvesting corn. I was happy sitting atop a tractor. The sheep and pigs never talked back to me. Mostly, I didn't have to deal with a bunch of empty-headed super-beings."

Heinrich Number 8 returned from the bathroom and approached his fellow Aryans.

"He's in my place," he whined, pointing to Adolf.

"Move to the end of the line," Himmler told Adolf.

"Which end?"

Himmler pulled his revolver out of his holster and fired six quick shots at Adolf's chest. They all bounced off.

"I'm invulnerable," Adolf pointed out. "Shooting can't hurt me."

"But it makes
me
feel better," replied Himmler, holstering his gun. "Now go the end of the line. And before you ask, the left end."

"My left or your left?"

Himmler hurled his revolver at Adolf's head. It bounced off and fell to the floor.

"I'll get it for you," offered Heinrich Number 3.

"Don't bother," said Himmler disgustedly, walking over to pick it up. "You'll forget where you were standing."

"On my feet," said Heinrich Number 3.

"Why did I ever think Aryans were the Master Race?" muttered Himmler.

Suddenly a red light began flashing.

"They're here!" said Himmler excitedly. "They should be entering this chamber in less than three minutes.
Achtung!
"

The thirteen super Aryans stood at attention.

"The forthcoming slaughter is what you were created for," said Himmler, walking up and down in front of them. "I want you to show Big El absolutely no mercy."

"Even if she begs?" asked Heinrich Number 11.

"She won't," Himmler assured them. "She's made of sterner stuff. It's your job to dismantle her and spread that sterner stuff all over the room."  

Heinrich Number 10, the one with the queasy stomach, put his hand to his mouth, then raced off to the bathroom.

"He's just sensitive," said Adolf apologetically.  

"What about Little Al?" asked Heinrich Number 2.

"You leave Little Al to me," said Himmler. "You guys just concentrate on Big El."  

"Not to worry, sir," said Heinrich Number 4. "I'll cut her heart out and eat it. I'll decapitate her, gouge out her eyes, and use her head as a bowling ball. I'll—"

Heinrich Number 10, who was just emerging from the bathroom, listened, groaned, and ran right back in, while Himmler found himself wondering how Geronimo or Shaka Zulu would have handled these problems.

"You're not nervous, are you?" asked Einstein as the guards escorted them down the dark winding stairs to the Aryans' chamber.

"Not in the least," answered the closest guard. "It's not as if
I
have to fight you."

"I was talking to Big El," said Einstein.

"Is my make-up smudged?" asked Eleanor.

"No."

"And my hair's not messed up?"

"Not a bit."

"Then I'm not nervous," she answered. "How about you, Little Al? After all, you're going to be facing the notorious Heinrich Himmler while all I'm doing is fending off thirteen foul-tempered and invulnerable giants."

"I feel sharp," said Einstein. "And I'm getting close to the Ultimate Spell. Once I've got it, he'll never know what hit him."

"The Ultimate Spell?" asked Eleanor.

"Watch this," said Einstein. He raised his arms, closed his eyes, and chanted "
E equals NC squared.
"

Suddenly all the guards' pants vanished.

"Damn!" muttered Einstein. "I'm so close! I can feel it!"

"Can we have our pants back?" said one of the guards. "Herr Himmler is a stickler for decorum."

Einstein shrugged. "I don't know where they are."

"We ought to get
something
out of this," said another guard. "Say it again and make
her
clothes vanish."

"Just be grateful I didn't make
you
vanish," said Einstein.

"You can do that?" said a third guard. "You'd be a handy guy to have around in case we get transferred to the Russian front."  

They came to a massive steel door. The lead guard opened it, and a moment later they were facing Himmler and his thirteen super Aryans.

"Finally!" said Himmler. "You have no idea how long I have waited for this moment!" He looked at the guards. "You're not wearing any pants."

"Neither are your supermen," said a guard defensively.

"This is wartime. There are the usual shortages. We don't have enough material to make pants for them. But you already
had
pants."

"Look," said Einstein. "If you guys want to argue, we can go out for coffee."

"This is Berlin!" snapped Himmler. "You would go out for beer! However," he added with an evil grin, "you are not going anywhere. Here you have come, and here you shall die."

"That's wrong," said Heinrich Number 5. "It should be: ‘Here you have come, and here you shall stay.' There's a certain poetic unity to it that way."

"I don't know," said Heinrich Number 7. "I think the problem was that he said ‘
shall
die' instead of ‘
will
die.' Somehow ‘will die' sounds more definite, if you know what I mean."

Soon nine of the Heinrichs were arguing the finer points of language, and Himmler turned to Eleanor and Einstein. "What will you pay me for thirteen giants with a collective IQ of 73?" Finally he turned back to the super Aryans. "
Shut up!
" he screamed.

They fell silent instantly.

"All right," he said. "Are we ready to begin?"

Heinrich Number 9 held up his hand.

"What now?" demanded Himmler.

"How do you want us to fight her? All at once, or one at a time?"

"I hadn't really considered it," admitted Himmler.

"I have a suggestion," said Einstein.

"Yes?"

"All they're good for is fighting, right? So have a competition: let them fight each other for the right to face Big El."

Himmler frowned. "I have a feeling there's something exceptionally silly about that idea, but I can't quite put my finger on it."

Suddenly Adolf stepped forward. "
I
will fight her," he announced.

"Why you?" demanded Heinrich Number 1.

"Because I am unique. I am named for the
Fuhrer
, whereas you twelve are named for this insignificant little wimp here, meaning no offense, Herr Himmler."

"Okay," agreed Heinrich Number 1. "When you're right, you're right."

"But you can lend a hand if things get hairy," added Adolf.

"Are you calling me hairy?" demanded Eleanor furiously. "Let's start right now!"

"Wait!" cried Einstein.

Everyone turned to him.  

"What is it?" asked Eleanor.

"We can't have them all piling on you if things start going well for our side," said Einstein.  

"And I don't want you to be able to come after me if you actually survive and your blood's up," added Himmler. He turned to Einstein. "How shall we separate them?"

"The same way they separate the lions and tigers from the audience at a circus, I suppose," replied Einstein.

"I agree," said Himmler. "You two"—he signaled to Adolf and Eleanor—"stand over there."

When they had moved where he wanted them, he turned back to Einstein. "Spell Number 1209?" he suggested.

Einstein considered it. "Make it 1209-A. We won't need all the stools for the lions to perch on."

They chanted the spell together, and within seconds Eleanor and Adolf found themselves in the middle of a steel cage some thirty feet in diameter.

"Shall the match begin?" suggested Himmler.

"A steel cage match," mused Einstein. "I intuit an incredibly profitable commercial enterprise here once the war's over."

"May I proceed to tear her into small pieces now?" asked Adolf.

"Just you try it," snarled Eleanor. "This is Big El you're facing!" She drew her sword and faced him.

"Say your prayers, female!" bellowed Adolf, reaching out to grab her. She slapped his huge hand with the flat of her enchanted blade.

"Ow!" he yelled. "That hurt!"

"Not as much as it's going to hurt when I cut your foul heart out," she said, advancing toward him menacingly.

"Wait a minute!" yelled Adolf, backing away. "Fins! Fingers! Time out!"

"What is it?" demanded Eleanor.

Adolf turned to face Himmler. "You told us we were invulnerable!" he said accusingly. "I've never felt pain before, but from everything I've heard and read about it,
that
was pain!"