Clockwork Romance (9 page)

I was just observing the room, hoping one of us would continue the conversation. But I think I forgot where we left off.

“Would you like some more to drink?” Karina call out across the room.

“No thanks,” I answered, making my way to her. “After drinking too much, I usually have this dreadful habit of waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall back asleep, which can be very annoying at times.”

She made her way toward me after putting everything up. “Well then, let me show you around, not that there is a whole lot to show. She led me into a short hallway, which ran directly behind the kitchen. “Straight ahead is the bathroom and right here is where I keep most of my stuff. She had a room solely for storage too, just like me. Inside were a couch and a television, surrounded by various items neatly organized on bookshelves. Among them were movies, books, shoeboxes, and plenty of other things that could be used to kill time.

It was now when I felt compelled to ask her, “Why does it seem like you’ve taken you
r bedroom items and placed them in the wrong room?”

“I know it looks odd,” she said, giving an honest face, “but I like the other room better. It’s bigger. Plus, I don’t have to walk very far if I feel like having a midnight snack in the middle of the night.
We both laughed, perhaps I did a bit more. “Come on, she said, “Let’s go back in the other room.”

Once there, we both noticed how the rain had picked up. There were now flashes of lightning to go along with it. This looks like the making of an introduction to a new story, beginning with
the ol’ dark and stormy night cliché. “Good thing we came inside when we did, huh?” she said. We took our seats on the chairs next the counter, both our eyes gazing out the window. “Ever since I was a kid,” she said, turning back to me, “I’ve always loved thunderstorms.”

“Me too,” I returned
. I needed to get something off my chest, but didn’t know how to say it, or if it is even a good thing to say it at all. Karina continued to discuss her fondness for thunderstorms, while I troubled myself over the decision whether or not to keep my thoughts to myself or not. I didn’t find pleasure in tuning Karina out for the moment, but her story and the way she was rambling made me suspect she was holding something in as well, perhaps even hoping that I would interrupt her and break up the tension that was building up along with every word. There was no question that we both felt the awkwardness of this particular, somewhat plight.

However, I had to take a moment to consider the possible outcomes of my decision. One, we could both be happy and everything would be great. Two, she could kick me out and tell me to get lost. Three, we could both be happy for now, then things could take a turn for the worse. That’s being the most pessimistic in my opinion. I took the risk and said, “Karina?”

“Yes?” She seemed eager to quit talking. I didn’t have some sort of speech prepared, so I just said what I felt.

“How long do you think we can keep this up?” I asked.

“Keep what up?” she spoke anxiously. She knew what I was trying to say, she just wanted to hear me say it. So I did.

“Pretending we don’t have feelings for each other. I’ve been thinking. When a guy and a girl both try to be just friends, they’re both usually part of a bigger group of friends. But when it’s just two, the feeling of attraction is pretty much inevitable, especially with a girl like you.” She gave me a faint smile while continuing to look me in the eyes. Oh, her beautiful green eyes. If only you could see them, then you would know.

“So what are you trying to tell me?” She knew exactly what I was trying to tell her. At least by her smile, I could tell that I was making the right choice.

“I’ve been thinking to myself all day that… I don’t want to lose you. Everything that I’ve said so far has been me just trying to take things slow, because I care about you. And I don’t want to make you think that I’m not interested in you.” Why is this so hard for me to say? I guess I’ve never actually tried to take it slow with a girl before. But I still haven’t satisfied her yet.

“Sooo…” Karina is really trying to get this out of me. She takes her hand and places it over mine, which is resting in the counter. “I know what you want to say,” she says. “Just say it.” So I do.

I look in her beautiful green eyes and say, “Karina, will you be my girlfriend?” I had to smile when I said it, otherwise I would have appeared too depressing.

Karina leaped up and threw her arms over me, locking me into an intimate hug. “Yes” she says softly over my shoulder. A tremendous weight has lifted from both of us. She stands up and slowly steps toward the middle of the room, closer to the bed. “Listen, I’m beat. I think it might be time to call it a night. But I’m not gonna let my new boyfriend go out into the rain.” I found myself walking closer to her. “You can sleep here,” she says.

When I was close enough for her to reach me, she grabbed both of my hands and pulled me in close. I went along with it. I knew what this was going to be. Our lips touch and, better than ever, I can smell her lovely scent. Neither of us want to pull away. Our lips then give forth sound, a signal that stands for the beginning of our relationship. Karina whispers, “Our first kiss.” We both give each other matching smiles. You’d think I’d be tired of smiling by now, but wrong.

I tell her, “How’s about get some sleep now?”

“Why such a rush?” she replies, pulling me closer to the bed. Her hands went to unbutton my pants. My fear had still somehow caught up with me. I stop her before she had a chance to pull my pants off.

“Karina… I really don’t think…” I could see the uneasiness in her expression. “… this is such a good idea.” My only hope now was that she wouldn’t throw me out into the rain after shooting her down.

“What do you mean?” she questions.

“I still think we should take it slow. I just want to wait for the right time, you know.” Hopefully she’ll understand.

“Ok
ay,” she nodded. “I understand.” She seemed a bit more understanding than what I was expecting. “Come on,” she said. “Let’s go to bed.” She turned off the light so that only the moonlight entered the room. Before we climb into bed, she tells me, “You can take off your pants if you want. I don’t mind.” I take them off, now down to my boxer-briefs. Karina takes nothing off and hops into bed. I lay on the left side nearest the door, Karina on the right side nearest the window. We both lie on our right sides, facing the window, while my left hand caresses her arm. Her hand lays flat on the bed in front of her. I run my hand down the entire length of her arm until I reach her hand. I keep my hand there, holding hers as we drift to sleep.

She knows I care. We’re both willing to do whatever it takes to make this work. This night, so far, has been the easiest for me to fall asleep. It’s been forever since I’ve had somebody to sleep with
. Maybe that’s what makes it easier. Anyway, I think the rain has stopped.

             
Act II

Chapter 8

I begin to think of all the relationships I’ve had in the past, beginnin
g when I was eighteen years old. I can even remember the first serious crush that I had on a girl. It was the same girl I was telling Karina about the other day. I was a freshman in high school, but to be honest, I can’t really remember her name. It’s been over ten years, so some memories are bound to fade. But I can still almost picture her. I know she was a brunette. By the time we graduated, I never saw her again. And that’s all she ever remained, a crush. I did speak a few words to her, but it’s not like we were ever friends. She never knew how I felt. At the time, I wasn’t as cool and relaxed as I am now. She was the last girl that I ever had a crush on. Every girl after her I at least had the nerve to talk to right away.

During the last decade, some of those girls became girlfriends, some became friends with benefits, and others just one-time hookups. The first girlfriend I had was when I was eighteen. I
met her through some friends I went to school with at the time. We were young, and had no clue that most relationships that early in life have a tendency to fail. I suppose it’s just part of becoming an adult, having a desire to carry a close relationship, regardless of whether or not it will last. Sometimes it’s just for fun. At least that’s what I’ve been told in the past. No one wants to be alone, right?

My first girlfriend a
nd I dated for about a month. I lost my virginity with her. That night, I was so nervous, but I tried to act cool. She was the first girl I ever imagined spending the rest of my life with. However, she soon realized, not me, that there was nothing left for us, emotionally. I’ve never forgiven her for that. I felt like she didn’t even want to give us a chance. It didn’t matter anyway, because over the following year, she essentially became a slut, sleeping with a different guy almost every week. All for fun, I suppose. She seemed so sweet when we first met. Now, more recently, I’m thinking that most people wear a mask upon meeting someone for the first time, and maybe even the subsequent days that follow. Once people get past the first impression, they show you who they really are. With some people, it could take longer, others not so long.

Maybe it’s me. The girlfriends I have had since have all done similar songs and dances. Most were okay with the fact that I sold illegal drugs. Some even found it a turn-on, others not so much. I’ve yet to determine whether or not that was a factor in them doing what they did.

One time, I tried to surprise one of my earlier girlfriends on her birthday by showing up at her place with flowers. Roses, to be exact. She trusted me with a key to her apartment, so I let myself in, and immediately heard her getting her rocks off with another man. It was so loud, I could hear the bed squeak. She didn’t even try to defend herself, like she was proud of it. I don’t blame her, it sounded like she was having a much better time with her newfound beau than what we ever had together.

That wasn’t the last time that kind of situation would happen to me either, but at least the second time was the last time. It was when I was twenty-three. We were always happy, but I had a lingering feeling that something was wrong. There was no passion in our sex anymore. All she wanted to do was get free highs. I didn’t walk in on her with another man, thank god, but I heard her on the phone talking to a
nother guy who was obviously her alternate boyfriend. I don’t even think I was the real boyfriend in that relationship. I was only being used. Some of my other girlfriends were like my first one, claiming that there was just no spark anymore, or that they found someone else, or that they didn’t feel safe dating a drug dealer, or even that they didn’t want to be with someone who could get busted and go to prison at any given moment.

Maybe that was the case, which is why I’m being so careful with Karina. I need to quit the life so that she’ll never find out about it. If only I can keep it together. I don’t want her to become just another one of my past girlfriends, especially among the likes of those I’ve mentioned. However, I can’t reflect on all of them negatively, because there were some who I really wished our relationship would have worked out.

When I was in my first year of college, (note that I didn’t go to college directly out of high school) I met a girl in my psychology class. We dated for three months before we finally called it quits. I believed she was one of the only few girls who actually cared about me. The reason we broke up was because she felt I was taking the wrong path in life. She didn’t believe I needed to deal drugs to support myself. And to some extent, I agreed with her. She knew I didn’t use them regularly myself, which was one reason we lasted as long as we did. I tried to explain how I wouldn’t be able to live on my own unless I did. The only other option was to take out loans, only to find myself in massive amounts of debt by the time I graduated. She told me she didn’t feel safe sometimes, since people were frequently knocking at my door. I did wonder how come she never gave me an ultimatum. She didn’t make me choose between her and the drugs, which I thought would happen. Instead, she just said she was unhappy. Our relationship only lasted another week before we split. There were no hard feelings between the two of us. The last thing we said before parting was that we loved each other. Since then, I haven’t seen or spoken to her.

I’ve thought about what could have been, like the life we could have shared, maybe even to today. If we were still together, we could have been married by now, with kids, maybe. I doubt we’d be living in a house in the suburbs, but I would still be working my way towards it. I don’t know, maybe it’s because she was the only girlfriend I had where, once we broke up, there we no hard feelings.

Afterwards, I continued to live the single life once again. One summer, I was looking for a job, just so I could get out, meet new people, and make some honest money for a change. Eventually, I got a job as a bartender at, of course, a bar. It wasn’t Jade’s Pub, even though I may have applied there. The place I ended up working at was a place called The Braxe. My first day wasn’t bad. I think it was a Wednesday. It was a pretty slow night. My co-workers taught me how to make mixed drinks, like cosmos and martinis. I had a pretty good time there, since most of the people I worked with were around my age and in school too. But it was when I came into work the next day that my entire life would change, at least until now.

Her name was Kimberly.
She was possibly the only girlfriend I ever had that I’ve both loved and hated at the same time. When we first met, she introduced herself to me right away, since apparently, she was fond of meeting new people, just as I was. She didn’t go to school, college anyway, like most of us were. Yet, she was just as intelligent as anyone I’d ever met. She knew how to make any drink possible, so she was the one training me most of the time.

At first, I didn’t get too close to her. After all, it wasn’t like I was trying to rush back into another relationship. It had not even been a year since I broke up with my prior girlfriend. I didn’t think Kimberly had a boyfriend at the time, nor did she ever speak of one. Some of the guys said it had been so long since she dated a guy, they were beginning to believe she had switched to women, though there was no evidence to confirm it.

It was really a shame though, since Kimberly had one of the best bodies I’d ever seen. Her body was an almost perfect hourglass. She had dark red hair, which was dyed, since I could make out her darker roots. She even wore surprisingly little makeup, not that she needed it. But I’d have to say that if there was anyone who could give Jessica Rabbit a run for her money, Kimberly would be the one to do it. I thought maybe she was one of those girls that guys were too intimidated to talk to. But since I really had no desire to ask her out, and since we were co-workers, I felt no difficulty talking to her in the least. I was beginning to think she was starting to take an interest in me, since I was pretty much the only guy who wasn’t ogling her or flirting with her constantly.

Kimberly was a very strong-minded person, hinting to me that she was probably dominant. She liked to be the one who approached other people and initiated conversations, instead of being the target girl every drunk guy in the bar wanted to hit on. Apparently, she had been a bartender at The Braxe for several years, enough time to establish a reputation as the girl nobody should fuck with. Kimberly was tough, in spirit, and wasn’t your average hot bimbo. That’s what made me like her back. Sure, there were other girls who worked in the bar with us, but Kimberly caught my attention first and with her it would stay.

She was always nice to me at work. She would always ask me if I wanted to go outside with her for a smoke break, even though we could smoke in the bar. I guess she just liked going outside for some fresh air.

For about the first couple of weeks, we only saw each other at work, on the days we would work together, maybe four days out of the week. Around the beginning of Jul
y, about a month after I had started, she asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with her. I’ve already forgotten what movie she wanted to go see, but she said she had no one to go with and she didn’t like going alone. So one night, when we were both off, we met each other at the theater, the first time we’d been together outside of work. I remember she was dressed really nice that night, not like she was in a cocktail dress, but normal, unlike some girls who are unable to leave their houses unless they look as slutty as possible. Sometimes Kimberly would go to work wearing some revealing clothing, but I think it was nice that she was dressed conservative for this occasion.

When we got out of the movie, I think I might have been after ten at night, we decided to get something to eat. We went to one of those diners that was open all night instead of one that closed around ten or ten-thirty. I hate being the asshole who walks into a restaurant just as it’s about to close.

While we were eating, we were about to have one of the most memorable conversations I can remember, because this was the night she changed my life. I don’t remember every little detail, like the first thing we talked about, but I do remember somewhere in the middle. We were talking about family, each other’s family, that is. Kimberly said she had a younger sister named Lacey who was about three years younger and who she hadn’t seen in a long time. She said she lived in another part of Texas.

I told Kimberly about how I was an only child. Then eventually, I recall how she made the discussion a lot more interesting. She was asking if I was planning on quitting the bar once the fall semester started again. Since I told her it was most likely, she was aware that there were only less the two months before then, afterwards I may no
t have so many chances to talk to or see her again.

She said,” You know why I asked you out tonight?”

“Because you wanted to see a movie?” I guessed. I said it like a question because I had a feeling that it may not have been the right answer.

“First,” she said, “do you think what we’re having tonight is a date?”

“I didn’t’ think of it that way.” I wondered if she thought of it that way. “You asked me if I wanted to go see a movie with you and I said yes. If there was anything else implied, I can assure you, I didn’t know about it.”

“Does it feel like a date?” she asked.

“Now that you mention it, it does have a lot of the same elements. Dinner and a movie, although it’s not like we held hands or that I paid for everything.”

“Oh, well now that you just said that, I’m gonna hold you to it,” she returned.

“So you’ve confirmed that this is indeed a date?” I snapped back.

“It’s only what we say it is. If we both want to think that this a date, or just two friends eating a meal together, then it becomes whatever we say it is.” Then she continued to ask something a bit different. “How many girlfriends have you had?”

“A few,” I answered. I didn’t want to bore her or turn her off with the details of my past relationships, especially since some of them didn’t end so nicely.

“Let me ask you this. How eager were you
to start officially dating each of them? Was it right away, or did it take a while so you could get to know each other first.”

I knew exactly what she meant, even if she didn’t. She wanted me to give an answer so that she could apply it to our won relationship. She wants to know if I’ve liked her from first sight or if I started to like her once we got to know each other. I tell her, “Does it matter? If I want to date someone, and I feel like they want to date me, why put it off?”

“I feel like you prefer to rush into relationships. Maybe you’re either eager, or you’re afraid to be alone, not that I’m presuming anything.” Maybe this wasn’t going the way I thought. She continued, “How long before you date someone did you meet them?”

“I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think it was long. That might be why I haven’t ever held onto a girlfriend for more than a few months.”

“See there?” she said. “Now take me for example. We’ve known each other for about a month, and I’d say we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, right?”

“Sure,” I said. “Are you suggesting…”

“I’m not suggesting anything. Who says people have to date anyway? My parents were best friends since they were kids. Sure, they may have dated a few other people throughout the years, but one day I suppose, they just decided to get married. They knew each other better than anyone else and I’m sure they loved each other. One day, my father realized that he wasn’t going to find anyone better, so he just proposed. They were best friends for almost fifteen years. My mother told me it was when they first made love that she knew they were meant to be, which I’m guessing was before he proposed. And they’ve been married for twenty-six years.”