Club Sandwich (41 page)

I run from the shop, accompanied by the hollow thumping of my heels and my guilty conscience.

Enough, Ivy. You’ve had enough.

Oh great! Brett went home, and there went my ride. I call home. Harry’s on his way. He asked if it would be all right if he came up to the room. I said sure and meant it. Anything to keep the memory of that kiss at bay. I could use a dad right now.

All these years later, I still dream that my parents will get back
together. Can you believe it? In my heart, I really wouldn’t wish that on Mom, but that little girl who sat on the couch and heard her father was gone for good still thinks, “What if he came back to stay?”

How stupid. I’m almost forty, for crying out loud.

He enters the room, hat in hand, looking older than I’ve ever seen him. His gnarled hand smoothes his ruffled gray hair. “She’s sleeping?”

“Yeah. She woke up for a few minutes earlier and asked where she was, then went back to sleep.”

I go over the doctor’s plans and my own for convincing her to get that angioplasty. “Do you think I’m doing the right thing by insisting on the procedure?”

“It’s your call, Ivy.”

“But what do you think?”

He lightly taps the bed rail. “Second chances are never a bad thing.”

“You ready to go?”

“If you’d like.”

I slip on my coat, tuck my hand in his arm, and we walk out together.

“I haven’t been here in years, Ive. Sure has changed.”

Let’s hope that’s a good thing.

I fire up Old Barbara and begin my column. It’s not like I’m going to sleep anyway. The notes I took during the phone interview, hitched up with some modifiers, conjunctions, and decent verbs, provide me with an easy write. I send it off to Tony.

Oh, this woman was such fun! I hope I can meet her in person someday. All these women I’m meeting are people I’d like to be when I grow up.

The phone rings. Krystal.

“Hey baby. How you doing?”

“Pretty good, considering.”

“Got you all on the church prayer chain.”

“Thanks. It’s what we need.”

“It’s what we all need. Now you shut down that computer and get some sleep. I’ll tell you, you have to really take good care of yourself now. Eat right, too. You may not feel like eating, but make yourself. Fruits and vegetables, chicken, fish, meat. God’s food.”

I smile. I need a mama right now. “Will do. I just need to e-mail Rusty, and I’m off to bed. I don’t have high hopes for a good night’s sleep, but it’s worth a shot.”

“Drink a cup of warm milk before you go.”

“Does that really help?”

“It sure can’t hurt. Good night, baby.”

Man, that felt good. When people care, it makes all the difference in the world. When this is all over, I’m going to behave differently.

I can’t risk a full-fledged affair with Mitch. My defenses are crumbling beneath the stress and the loneliness, and it will happen if I don’t do something. I need my husband to love me. If he loves himself more, then good-bye.

I click the Send icon. Another e-mail arrives.

So now we wait. I thought the hip operation was bad. But this! Well, I keep imagining them poking up into her neck with a coat hanger, dislodging the Drano-worthy plaque. And then those particles swim on up to the brain, tumbling in the flow, getting stuck in a gang, stopping the blood, and
whammo
, another stroke, only larger and more merciless, and she doesn’t die on the table, oh no, she ends up unable to talk or use the left side of her body, and there’ll be diapers to change, Ensure to buy, nurses coming in and out, baths to give, and, dear God, how will I do this?

Brett shuffles her feet.

“Did I just say all that out loud?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I swear, I’m losing it.”

She flips through a magazine.
Guns & Ammo
. Now who left that here? Oh well, she’s not really reading it anyway. “Brian’s not coming until later.”

“Brett, how do you do it? How are you so longsuffering with him?”

She shuts the magazine and lays it on the end table. “Do you remember Brian before Dad left?”

“Not really. He played a lot of baseball, I remember that. Boy Scouts, too. And I remember he’d play Life with me sometimes.”

“He used to sing a lot too. Like when he was raking the yard, or emptying out the dishwasher, or doing homework.”

I shake my head. Don’t ever remember Brian singing.

“Remember when he stopped going to church?”

“That I do remember. Harry told Mom it was time to let him make his own decision about religion. But that was before he left, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, which makes it even more rich. I saw things you didn’t, Ivy. I know it seems like we’re always saying that, that we’re almost throwing it in your face, and I don’t know why I do that.”

“…”

“Fact is, you’ve paid your dues on this end of the deal. Which is way more than we can say about Brian.”

“Then how can you remain so close to him? Give him excuse after excuse? I mean, I love him because he’s my brother and I have to. You love him for who he is. Which amazes me.”

“He’s not so bad when you get to know him. Unfortunately, by the time you were old enough to get to know him as a human being, he was too far gone.”

“Maybe it’s true. Maybe you do have more reason to be mad at Harry than I do.”

“I don’t know. But I saw what he did to my brother. That day Mom told us? Remember sitting on the couch?”

I nod.

“It was like a light bulb turned off in Brian. And Dad flipped the switch. No doubt in my mind.”

“Yeah. I can see that.”

“At the same time, you had to grow up with a mother who was never home, drowning in your schoolwork, your sister running you around, and yet you always did so well. And let’s face it, you’ve made the best of your marriage, you have a great career, great kids, and you’ve carried the ball with Mom.”

“Sometimes I feel like I’m about to die.”

“I know. But I want you to know, Ivy, I think you’re the most kindhearted, decent person I know.”

It’s been so long since I had a good cry. I feel my eyes begin to fill, and Brett reaches out. I’m done for. She smells so nice.

I lift up my head later. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive Harry?”

“I’m going to have to, aren’t I? I mean, really, do I have an option?”

“No.”

“Have you forgiven him?”

“Yeah. He’s living in my house. It was either that or go around mad all the time.”

She smiles. “Thanks for putting me up, by the way. I slept better last night than I have in months.”

“I gave Rusty the ultimatum last night.”

Brett grabs my knee and squeezes. “Good. Good for you.”

“Hey Lyr.”

“Hey Mom.”

The connection isn’t good. She sounds so far away.

“How’s everyone?”

“Okay. Is Winky okay?”

“She’s not out of surgery yet. Trixie driving you nuts?”

“Gramps thinks she’s getting sick. And I agree. She’s been sitting on the couch with him, sucking on her pinkie, and her cheeks are as pink as they can be.”

Oh man. “Lyra … I’m sorry about all this. I’m sorry I haven’t been the mom you’ve needed. I’m trying to do my best, but unfortunately, it’s not good enough for anyone.”

“Mom, I know. Don’t worry about it. It’s okay. I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. It’s going to be fine. Gramps and Grandpa are taking us to the fairgrounds after Winky gets out. They’re having a car show there. You know Persy and cars.”

“That’ll be nice.”

“So we’re fine. Don’t worry about a thing. Oh yeah! I forgot. Dani and Uncle Brian came by. They went into Winky’s room and cleaned up everything. Took the sheets home to wash, polished the furniture, just everything.”

“That’s cool.”

“I really like Dani, Mom. I know she wears those, well,
you know
type of clothes, but she’s really sweet.”

“I agree.”

“And guess what?!”

Wow, she’s back with a vengeance. Great! It’s nice to have my daughter back. Hopefully she’ll stay a long time.

Poor Trixie, though.

“I got my interim grades. Straight As!”

“Way to go, sweetie. I’m so proud of you.”

“Yeah, well, anyway, just wanted to tell you. You want to talk to Gramps?”

“Absolutely.”

“Hi Ive.” he whispers.

“How’s our baby?”

“Lyra found the Children’s Advil. She just fell asleep.”