Clubbed to Death (16 page)

‘I’d never have noticed if you hadn’t said,’ said Milton, failing to keep the grin off his face.

‘Lying sod. At least it’s only till tomorrow. The tallest Turk has resigned and in a fit of unparalleled generosity the Commander has ruled that his uniform should be sent instantly to a fast dry cleaners. Apparently in the good old days the rule was that all the uniforms got cleaned every six months, whether they needed it or not. Now what d’you want?’

‘More coffee, please,’ said Milton. ‘And perhaps when you see Chatterton leave us you might bring us the lunch menu.’

‘How did it go with the Commander?’

‘He sang like a little bird, once he knew the Admiral had already talked to us.’

‘I wonder if the others will do likewise. Any revelations?’

‘Nothing much we didn’t know or hadn’t guessed, apart from on the human side. What did you think, Ellis?’

‘I thought he was pretty efficient at putting the blame on everyone else.’

‘Yes, I know what you mean. He’s offered to go away and come up with incriminating evidence, Robert. Facts and figures about unethical disbursement of club funds and that kind of thing.’

‘Christ! You better make sure he doesn’t get murdered as well. Although it would be a help in reducing the number of suspects by one, I suppose. Every cloud has a silver lining, what!’

‘Oh, go away and get us the coffee,’ said Milton. ‘How are you feeling today anyway?’

‘A lot better than the Admiral,’ said Amiss.

Fresh coffee was provided and, at Milton’s request, Amiss left the door open when he departed. A couple of minutes later Chatterton zimmered into the room.

‘Good morning, gentlemen. I apologise for the delay in arriving. As you will see, I am somewhat encumbered, though not, I hope, for many days longer.’ He levered himself into the seat nearest Milton and rested the frame nearby. Pooley got up and closed the door.

‘Did you have an accident?’

‘I had a hip replacement operation on my left side, after which I immediately broke my right leg. The combination was a bit devastating. I was stuck in hospital for three weeks and since then have been shuffling around behind that thing.’ He jerked his head in the direction of the zimmer with an expression of deep distaste. ‘Mind you, I try not to let it cramp my style unduly. Now how can I help you, gentlemen. I can’t imagine that I know anything remotely useful, but fire away.’

‘Why d’you think Sir Conrad Meredith-Lee was killed, sir?’

‘Search me. I know you chaps keep denying it, but it seems to me it must be the IRA. They did the Carlton, didn’t they? I remember that. Heard the bang. About six o’clock in the evening I think it was. I was having an aperitif. It would have been the twenty-seventh or twenty-eighth of June, nineteen-ninety. Stands to reason it was them. Security here’s a bit lacking. Old Ramsbum’s not up to keeping out gangs of terrorists.’

‘I think, sir, there’s little doubt that it was not the IRA or any other terrorist group. We are ruling out no possibilities of course, but the evidence suggests the crime was committed by a club resident.’

‘One of those strange servants, no doubt.’

‘Unlikely, sir. It seems much more likely that it was a member of ffeatherstonehaugh’s general committee. I understand there were strong areas of disagreement between the Admiral and the rest of you.’

‘There are always disagreements between committee members, Chief Superintendent, but I haven’t heard of a club murder this century. It was only a little local wrangle. Different strategic visions of the club and that sort of thing. Meredith-Lee was a bit of a lefty – the sort of chap who would be all on for worker participation and that kind of rot. But we’d have brought him round when he got to know the club better.’

‘I understand he believed the club to be badly run and the resources of the club to be used unethically, sir.’

‘One man’s ethics is another man’s priggery,’ said Chatterton carelessly. ‘D’you think I might have a cup of coffee or is that reserved for the police force?’

‘I beg your pardon, Mr Chatterton. How d’you like it?’

‘Black, please. You see, the trouble with Admiral Meredith-Lee was that he was a newcomer. We shouldn’t have let him become chairman. He didn’t really understand the club. But there was a lot of boring administrative carry-on to be dealt with. Some nonsense or other to do with the nanny state. Not really the sort of thing that dear old Boy Glastonbury, who was then chairman, could have been expected to deal with. Especially not these days. But to appoint Con Meredith-Lee was a mistake. And it was a mistake to bring in that counter-jumper, Trueman. He didn’t understand gentlemen. Wanted to run this place like a bloody accountant. That’s not what Lord ffeatherstonehaugh would have wanted. Can’t say I was sorry when that fellow topped himself.’

‘The inquest verdict was accidental death, sir.’

‘So what was he doing? Acrobatics on the balustrade or something? Anyway, that’s your problem. As for Meredith-Lee’s death, if you’re asking me did I construct a bomb and blow him up, the answer is no. I think my doctors will confirm the unlikeliness of that. So you’ll have to count me out of your calculations, I’m afraid. Sorry about that.’ He sipped his coffee pleasurably. ‘Anything else, Superintendent?’

‘When did your association with the club begin, sir?’

‘Eighteenth of July, nineteen thirty-eight. My godfather took me to dinner here and we played poker afterwards with a few of the members. I won fifteen pounds, fourteen and eightpence. That was a lot of money in those days and the others were so impressed, they took me into the sing-song and had me elected by acclamation.’ The rather superior expression which Chatterton normally wore had softened. He resembled nothing so much as an old man reliving a glorious moment of his past. ‘It was a great occasion for a shy young don.’

‘Oh, I see. I hadn’t realised that you were from an academic background.’

‘I was a mathematics don at Cambridge living a rather sheltered life, but I was part of a group that enjoyed playing cards. I hadn’t discovered roulette then. So ffeatherstonehaugh’s was a great development for me. It took me out of myself. I used to come up quite often and stay for a couple of days and just revel in meeting high-spirited people who didn’t care about university politics. There was a song they used to sing called “The Debauchee”. Haven’t heard it for years. Bit rude, but great fun.’

‘Were any other committee members part of the club then, sir?’

‘Blenkinsop, no. Fagg, no. Fishbane, yes. Glastonbury, yes. More coffee, please, young man.’

‘And were you friends?’

‘I fail to see the relevance of this, but yes, I should say that Glastonbury and I became friends. None of the others were ever more than friendly acquaintances and frankly, I’ve never taken to Fagg. He’s a bit too vulgar for me.’

‘But you and Mr Glastonbury were close friends?’

‘Do I detect from your tone, Chief Superintendent, thatyou think us a couple of queers? What filthy minds the police have. We were and are friends. Before Glastonbury got past it, we used to play a lot of bridge and although he was never a real gambler, he used to enjoy going to casinos with me to play backgammon.’

‘And during the war, sir?’

‘During the war what?’

‘Did you come to the club?’

‘Occasionally. I was at Bletchley most of the time, code-breaking. Used to come up for the odd break. Saw Glastonbury and Fishbane once or twice.’

‘And afterwards?’

Chatterton drained his coffee and shoved the cup and saucer several feet down the table with a practised twirl of the wrist.

‘Went back to Cambridge. Had an undistinguished career as a university lecturer in mathematics. Was a fellow of a mediocre college. Got away from it all as often as possible. You think ffeatherstonehaugh politics are bad? Have you any idea what a Cambridge Senior Common Room is like? They’d murder each other over the choice of curtain fabric if they could get away with it. I was very happy to retire here. We don’t meddle with each other. We run our own parts of the establishment without interference. We were a pretty united and single-minded committee until the Admiral fouled things up. I’m not going to pretend I’m sorry he’s dead. I neither would nor could have murdered him, but I do not regard him as a loss.’

‘So you’ve no light to cast on the murder?’

‘None.’

‘Did the Admiral talk to you at all about your conduct of the wine committee?’

‘Ah! I wonder where you heard about that. From which of my colleagues? Yes, he had seemed to get the impression that something was awry. But that was because he had not attended sufficiently to the constitution of the club and its regulations as introduced by a legally elected committee. Our position was watertight. Not one that bleeding hearts would approve of, no doubt, but we, as the committee, were absolutely within our rights to sell off what we considered to be unnecessary stocks of wine in order to allocate the money to members’ more urgent needs.’

‘Like foreign travel, sir?’

‘Certainly. For those who wanted it.’

‘You weren’t concerned about the conditions in which the servants lived? The kind of food they eat?’

‘Wasn’t my pigeon, old boy. I wouldn’t have cared to live under the rule of Fagg myself, but I can’t say it worried me that these people were getting short rations. There were plenty of other jobs for them to go to if they wanted to. Anyway, the point was that Fagg left me alone and I left him alone. That’s been the rule about sub-committee chairmen for as long as I can remember.’

‘Thank you, sir.’ Milton was finding it difficult to conceal his distaste. ‘I’ve nothing more to ask for the moment.’

‘Very good. If you want me you’ll find me close by. I’m not likely to be able to make a run for it. Good morning.’

Pooley got up and opened the door. Manipulating his zimmer with dexterity, Chatterton nodded at them both and left.

‘Get on to his doctor, Ellis. I wouldn’t trust that old wretch an inch. I’d like confirmation that he’s as crippled as he appears to be, because, much as I’d like to, I can think of no way in which a man in his apparent condition could have pulled off this murder.’

‘I’ll see to it, sir. I was just wondering.’

‘What?’

‘The Cambridge connection and all that.’

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake, Ellis, that’s a bit obvious, isn’t it? I’m disappointed in you. You usually see more unexpected links. If he went to Cambridge, especially if he was homosexual, he has to be the Sixth Man or someone. Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps we’re in the middle of a nest of spies whom Meredith-Lee was about to unmask. But I wouldn’t put any money on it, if I were you. I think we’re in a nest of greedy, self-centred, corrupt old men, of whom at least one would stick at nothing to preserve his privileges. If you must exercise flights of fancy, I’d much rather you concentrated on working out how Chatterton could have committed murder. Now where’s that damn waiter with the menu? I’m starving.’

18

«
^
»

‘How do those old devils get through seven courses?’ asked Milton of Pooley as they ate their grilled Dover sole.

‘I don’t know. I always thought I had a good appetite, but I remember being at a college feast once at Cambridge, where they had seven or eight courses and the elderly dons seemed to have less trouble than anyone else getting through it. I suppose it’s what you’re used to.’

‘Well, the standard of the cooking is certainly impressive,’ said Milton. ‘I haven’t had fish as good as this in months. How come you’ve got a decent chef?’ he asked Amiss, who at that moment entered the room.

‘Because of course the chef is well paid – as are his immediate underlings. The Colonel doesn’t begrudge an artiste his due. At least not when his creations are going down the Colonel’s own digestive tract.’ Amiss flung himself into an armchair. ‘God!’ he said. ‘It’s absolute chaos out there. Twice as many members as usual have come in and poor old Gooseneck’s trying to manage with half his usual staff. He’s very decent though. Sunil offered to give up his lunch-time seminar and help out, but Gooseneck wouldn’t hear of it. “My dear boy,” he said, “the choice is between feeding
your
mind or
their
bodies: I give priority to the former.” So I’d better not hang around here much longer. I should go and do my stuff. D’you want anything more? We’ve got roly-poly pudding today with jam and custard.’

‘I’ll pass, thanks,’ said Milton. ‘I’m not robust enough for that. Just coffee, please.’

Pooley’s eyes glistened. ‘Oh, I’ll have the pudding, Robert. It’s years since I’ve had roly-poly pudding. And coffee too, please.’

‘I’ll get you an especially big helping, Ellis. Incidentally, they’re all still being careful about alcohol. I was trying to ply Fagg with extra claret and he almost bit my head off.’

‘But he’s always biting your head off, isn’t he?’ said Pooley.

‘Not today, other than just now. In fact, he grunted something complimentary about it being dashed public-spirited of me to come back so soon. I nearly fainted. Glastonbury was nice of course. He always is. But Chatterton and Fishbane were pretty civil as well.’

‘You should get blown up every day, ’ said Milton absently. ‘Were any of them off their food?’

‘What? You mean stricken with remorse or grief? Absolutely not. Guilt does not seem to be gnawing at the vitals of any of these old fuckers. However, self-preservation is definitely operating – hence the relative abstinence.’

‘I suppose it does indicate that they’ve got something to hide.’ Pooley sounded hopeful.

‘Oh, for Christ’s sake! We know that, Ellis. Even they know that the way they’ve been running the club is hardly likely to gain them a good press. Anyway, I can’t stand around here chatting all day. I’ve got work to do.’

‘On second thoughts, Robert,’ said Milton, ‘make it roly-poly pudding twice. I think I need to build up my strength for this afternoon.’

Colonel Fagg obviously believed that attack was the best form of defence. ‘Disgraceful, disgraceful,’ he said. ‘You’re wasting our time and yours when you should be hunting down those IRA swine.’