Clueless (Keeping Secrets) (11 page)

“I know you want him to stay with you, man, but it would probably be better if he stayed with us,” Kevin said groggily as I put a Coke in his hand. “He’s my brother.”

I knew he was right. Despite the fact that I wanted to keep him with me always, our relationship was explosive and complicated, and sometimes he didn’t need that. Sometimes he needed a brother. I didn’t know if we would continue dating now that things were out in the open, but I hoped so. To be his boyfriend, I couldn’t be his keeper.

“That’s up to everyone else. It’s not our decision.” I felt like I needed to say that, even if I did agree. It wasn’t like we were the be-all-end-all in the decision of his fate.

“No, it’s not. But I want your support.” The words were unexpected.

“Why?” I asked.

He gave me a weird look, like I was a moron who didn’t get something obvious. “Because you mean as much to him as I do.”

I considered that, and I didn’t know if I believed it. Kevin was one of Jason’s nonnegotiables. “I think you’re overestimating my appeal.”

“I think you don’t know what he’d do to keep you, Tommy. He trusts you with everything.”

It made me love him more. “I’ll have your back.”

We exchanged the first smile of the evening. “Thanks, man.”

My uncles came over to us and sat down on either side of me, and Kevin’s parents followed at a slower pace. “Everything okay?” I asked as my Uncle Charlie rubbed the bridge of his nose.

“Yes, Thomas. I’m just tired. The police and the social worker came to speak with us. We might be able to work something out about his living arrangements. But we wanted to talk to you first.” I’d never seen my uncle look so utterly exhausted. I felt terrible for putting him in this position.

“So what did you need to talk to me about?” I asked, feeling the strong desire to crack my back.
Man, these chairs are uncomfortable
.

Uncle Mark spoke. “We think it’s best if Jason stays with Kevin and his family, but if you feel strongly otherwise, we’re willing to take him home with us if they’ll let us.”

“Why do you think it’s best?” I asked. Kevin and I had already decided this unofficially, but I wanted to hear their reasoning.

Uncle Charlie gave me a one-armed hug. “He’s going to need a lot of one-on-one care when he gets out of the hospital and not just for his injury. He’s going to have to have counseling, and we have no idea how he’s going to react to his secret being out in the open. You all went to extreme lengths to keep it under wraps, and that reeks of him being ashamed of it. It’s going to be a major adjustment. With all of you boys in the house, we just don’t know if we have enough time to devote to him like he needs. Couple that with your relationship with him, and we don’t know if it’s healthy for you either, Thomas.”

“I can handle it,” I said automatically. Then I examined what I said. Did I mean it? Could I handle it? I sighed.
I can’t. I can’t handle it
. My mom had always admired my quiet strength, but sometimes strength meant asking for help. “No. You’re right. It wouldn’t be good for me or for us. I can’t help him.” It was hard to admit that, hard to say that I wasn’t nearly as superman-like as I wanted everyone to think I was.

My uncles looked relieved. “That’s a very mature thing you just said,” Uncle Mark said, putting his arm around my shoulders just above Uncle Charlie’s. “So you agree?”

I nodded. I could be there for Jason, I could even help take care of him to a degree, but I couldn’t be his keeper, and I couldn’t put everything on my shoulders. I glanced over at Kevin’s parents, and they looked just as exhausted and relieved as my uncles did. In that moment, I had the sneaking suspicion that our family had just gotten bigger.

I
T
TOOK
them forever to put him in a room where we could go see him. Unfortunately, visiting hours were almost over by then, and we wouldn’t get to stay with him for very long. Tina, Kevin’s mom, had already declared she was staying with him overnight. At least that was something. I didn’t want him to be alone.

Uncle Mark let me go to the gift shop and get him some flowers and a stuffed animal. I picked out some kind of blue and yellow flower that smelled pretty good with a “get well” balloon shoved in the bouquet. Jason would probably get a kick over the fact that I brought him a stuffed animal like a girl on Valentine’s Day, but the lion, with its soft fur and big green eyes, reminded me of him a little bit. He’d gone through hell and was coming out on the other side. I thought that made him pretty damn badass, and I suppose I was stuck on the symbolism from my lit class. Who said that high school English imparted nothing to those of us who had no interest?

I took the elevator to the fourth floor and managed to somehow find my way back through the maze of hallways to Jason’s room. Everyone else was already inside, but I hadn’t gone in yet because of my pit stop at the gift shop. I reached for the door and swallowed.
Why am I so nervous? It’s just Jason, the guy I’m crazy about, the guy I can’t stop thinking about.
If I was being honest with myself, and I had no intention of being so, I was scared of how he was going to react. I didn’t want him to be mad at me.

There was really no point in delaying the inevitable, and a quick glance at my phone said that visiting hours were over in another half hour. If I wanted to talk to Jason, now was the time to do it. Steeling myself for possible rejection, I opened the door.

To say the room was crowded was a little bit of an understatement. It was standing room only. Tina had taken the only chair, and everyone else just seemed to hover around the hospital bed like planets orbiting the sun. It was an appropriate image. In so many ways, Jason’s gravitational pull seemed greater than the average person, so much so that people forgave him just about anything when he smiled. I was one of those people.

He was pale and looked bruised everywhere. The ugly green hospital gown did nothing to make his pallor look any better, either. His eyes, those beautiful, deep green orbs, seemed to take up his entire face, making him look infinitely younger and doll-like than he probably wanted to appear. The “I love you” was on the tip of my tongue when our eyes met.

“Hi,” he wheezed. He sounded breathless, quiet, the two things my boyfriend never was.

I swallowed hard. “Hi yourself.”

“Tina, could you walk me back down to the coffee machine?” Uncle Charlie asked, taking in the two of us. He was so good to me.

Tina seemed to pick up instantly. “Sure, Charlie. In fact, why don’t we all go? I’m sure the boys want to say their hellos in private.”

The adults filed out of the room leaving Kevin, Jason, and myself alone. I crossed over to stand by the side of the bed that didn’t have Jason’s IV. I had no idea what to say. Talking seemed like what I should be doing, but I had no idea where to begin.

“So, you were my hero, huh?” Jason asked, reaching out and taking my hand. Relief, scalding and knee-buckling, washed over me.

“I brought you something,” I managed to get out, handing him the flowers and stuffed lion I’d carried in my other arm.

He chuckled, but it sounded strained. “Girl.” Awkward silence reigned once more. He tried again. “I’m sorry, you know, for everything.” He twisted the tail of the lion I’d given him, looking like he’d much rather have the earth open up and swallow him than talk to me.

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Jason,” Kevin said automatically. That was my line, but I’d been too tongue-tied to manage it. “This isn’t your fault. I’m just glad everything is out in the open now.”

Jason paled further if that was possible. “Everyone knows?”

I nodded. “Yes, baby. Everyone knows. At least my uncles and Kevin’s parents know. You don’t remember talking to the social worker?”

“I remember. I just thought… my mom might’ve told… you know?” He stared at the lion, avoiding our gazes. “Are they mad at me?”

“Why would anyone be mad at you?” I asked. It didn’t make sense to me. It was his stepdad’s fault that Jason was in this position. No one could fault my boyfriend for that.

He shrugged delicately, like he didn’t know the answer either. “They’re going to put me in a home.” He choked up then, the tears starting to spill over onto his cheeks as he tried to keep them in check.

I brought his hand up and kissed his knuckles. “No, baby. No one is putting you in a home. You’re going to live with Kevin.”

He looked up at me, a look of devastation on his face. “You don’t want me to live with you?”

I kissed his hand again. “Of course I do, but with us dating and stuff, it’s probably better if you stay with Kevin.”

“So we’re together?” Leave it up to Jason to cling to something like that. He’d just been raped, had the hell beaten out of him, and had the world he’d tried desperately to hide exposed, and he was worried about whether or not I was still his boyfriend.

I nodded. “Yes, Jason. I’m your boyfriend, and you’re mine, and I’m never going to break up with you again.” The promise was easy to give. The world didn’t make sense unless we were together. We were young and crazy and stupid, and I wanted to be all those things with him. I wanted to worry about normal things, like him looking at another guy’s ass or picking out a crappy birthday present, and I could finally see, though it seemed impossibly far away, the possibility of that normalcy. Jason would never be easy, but he would always be mine.

He nearly sagged in relief. “Okay. I can handle anything as long as you’re here.” He looked at Kevin, who took his other hand. “We’re good?”

Kevin nodded. “We’re great, brother. You ever scare me like that again and I’m going to kick your ass, though. I almost cried like a bitch.”

Jason laughed, the sound joyous to my ears. It ended in a grimace. “Don’t make me laugh, man. Hurts.” He tugged on my hand, and I leaned forward so he could press a kiss to my lips.

“I love you,” I whispered, meaning every syllable. Sometimes it seemed like what I felt for Jason was too big for me, like the feeling was so massive that eventually my body was just going to explode into a million pieces. It was weird to think that this morning I had been cautious about getting back with him, that I’d considered for a second that it wouldn’t happen.

“I love you too, Tommy boy.”

“You guys want me to leave you alone?” Kevin asked, bringing us out of the moment and back into the hospital room.

“No,” Jason said, turning his head to the side to look at Kev. “That’s okay. Sorry. Had to give my man a kiss.”

Kevin shifted. “Cool. Just making sure.”

We chatted about school stuff for a while, avoiding the elephant in the room. Kevin was apparently failing Spanish, and I could sympathize with him on that. While I wasn’t failing, I wasn’t exactly acing it either. I told him about Uncle Charlie and how he was tutoring me in it, and Kevin asked if it would be okay if we studied together sometime. Jason called us both morons and claimed to be in the running for valedictorian, though it was news to both of us. I’d always known he was smart, with his AP classes and whatever, but I hadn’t realized exactly how smart he was.

“So what are they going to do about Jonathan?” Jason asked out of nowhere. The atmosphere in the room plummeted.

“We don’t know. I suppose they’re doing some kind of investigation or whatever. Either way, the social worker said you don’t have to go back if you don’t want to. You’re seventeen, but so long as you have an adult who will take responsibility, you should be good,” Kevin offered. I was grateful he explained, because I still wasn’t entirely certain I understood what was going on as far as that front went.

Jason rubbed his face, looking tired. “I just want this to be over with. I don’t ever want to see him again.” He paused. “Can you find out what happened to my mom? I know she took the truck, but I wanted to make sure she’s okay.” My heart broke for him. If I had my way, I’d say good riddance to her as well and hope that wherever she was licking her wounds, they were half as painful as Jason’s were. But I supposed we never really stopped caring about our parents, even if they were scum. “I’ve got my aunt’s number in my cell. She’ll probably be there. Can you dial it for me before you go?”

I nodded and crossed over to the wooden cabinet by the sink. Inside was what remained of the clothes Jason had been wearing. They’d been cut off, and the contents of his pockets rolled around the bottom of the white plastic bag. I fished out his cell phone and went into his contacts. His aunt was the first one on the list, and I pressed the Call button before handing it back over to him.

Kevin and I were both quiet as we waited for someone to pick up. “Hey, Aunt Wanda. It’s me. Is my mom there?” Jason frowned, his brow lowering in his signature “not happy” expression. I could hear the muffled screeching from where I stood. “I didn’t do anything! What are you talking about? I didn’t touch Mom!” He paused as his aunt continued to rant at him. “Jonathan did this! I didn’t do shit to her. I didn’t ruin—” Louder screaming. “Fuck you! I didn’t ask for this! I didn’t ask for him to do this to me! God, what is wrong with you!”

I caught a snippet of the conversation as he adjusted the cell phone on his ear. “If you would’ve kept your legs shut and not tempted a good man—” Rage lit me up like a Fourth of July bonfire. I grabbed the phone without thinking.

“Listen, bitch, we’re in the hospital right now, Jason just came out of surgery from what that “good man” did to him, and you will not talk to him like that ever again!” I snapped, shaking from head to toe as the urge to rip someone to pieces overwhelmed all logical thought.

“It’s that little faggot’s fault!” the woman yelled in my ear. “It’s how his kind works.”

“You’re not half the person that ‘little faggot’ is, you homophobic whore. You and the rest of you poisonous, bloodsucking fuckers better stay the hell away from him, and you tell that bitch of a mother of his that if she comes anywhere near him, I will beat her to fucking death and finish what her fucking husband started!” I threw the cell phone against the white block wall and watched it shatter on impact. Silence reigned, and the sounds of running footsteps clued me in that my conversation had not gone unnoticed outside the room. I was breathing like I was winded, and my shoulders were so tight I thought they might snap any second.