Coal Black Blues (15 page)

Caroline hated to move, but she sat up. “It’s cold. I want a nice hot shower and then ten hours of sleep.”

“I could use a shower, too. Let’s go get one together.”

She liked the idea. Caroline had never showered with any man, especially not fussy Dylan who preferred his privacy. “All right,” she said.

“Soon as I get the fire going again, we will.”

The sight of Neil, naked, kneeling before the stove, stirring up the embers and adding kindling until it caught, would be a memory she would treasure forever. Firelight danced across his features, softening them, as he added a log. He wore a serene expression and his body, so often tense, remained relaxed. Caroline thought he probably was as much at peace as he ever became and smiled, hoping it was so.

Upstairs, they used the shower that her grandfather had long ago attached to the old claw-foot tub together, soaping each other with abandon. Afterward, Neil put on clean long johns and Caroline pulled on a heavy flannel nightgown reaching from neckline to ankles. She dried her hair and braided it. Then she crawled into bed beside Neil. He turned toward her for a kiss.

“I love you,” he said, his voice soft and eyes earnest. “I might have mentioned it downstairs, but I wanted to make sure you heard.”

Caroline smiled. “I did, but I like hearing it again. I love you, too, Neil.”

He yawned. “I’m glad, Carrie. And now I need some sleep. I think you wore me out again.”

“I did my best.”

“G’night, honey.” This time, he sounded drowsy.

“Goodnight, Neil.”

In the front bedroom, in the old iron-framed bed where her grandparents spent their married life together, Caroline slept beside her man, content in the moment, hopeful for the future, and warm. If she dreamed, she did not remember them and they spent a quiet, bliss-filled Sunday together doing nothing but filled with importance.

Later, she would realize it had been the calm before the storm.

Chapter Seventeen

Neil came to the store Friday evening after another long work week, coal grimed and weary. Caroline watched him as he crossed the parking lot, noting how slow and stiff he moved. If she hadn’t been ringing up Cleta Patterson’s gasoline, a gallon of milk, two sandwiches and two bags of nacho chips, she would have dashed to meet him. He nodded in her direction and headed behind the counter into the office. Any other night, he sat down at the table and waited.
He wants privacy for whatever he’s going to tell me.
A cold chill passed through her and she finished the sale. Three more customers waited in line, so she rang each one up and made small talk she’d never remember.

In the first lull, Caroline joined Neil. He sat at the desk, appearing larger than life in the cramped space. “What’s wrong?” she asked, certain something was amiss.

His lips curved into a smile that never reached his eyes. “Nothing,” he said. “It’s just I gotta work tomorrow, six in the morning to probably noon. We’ll have to go to town later or put it off until Sunday. I’m sorry, honey.”

“It’s all right,” Caroline replied. “I’m a little disappointed, but it’s no big deal. We’ll get there, Sunday or next week.”

Neil shrugged. “I suppose.”

His haggard appearance prompted her to ask, “Are you okay? You’re not coming down with the flu or something?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m just tired. I looked forward to the weekend all week.”

“Go home, get cleaned up, and get some rest. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

Caroline had promised to cover Alexander’s shift so he could attend his granddaughter Mallory’s Christmas program at school. He would be back at eight, eight thirty at the latest, so she could go home and in return, he would work for her tomorrow.

“I’ll stay.”

She knew how much he hated wearing the dirty garments and how he anticipated washing away the coal dust. “I know you’re tired. Go home. I’ll fix you some carry-out food to take with you. By the time I get there, you’ll be clean, fed, and ready to unwind.”

Neil snorted. “I’ll be ready for bed, but all right. I’m too damn tired to argue.”

The program ran late and so did Alexander. Caroline left the store at ten and promised she would be back in the morning to do accounts payable.

“I thought you were taking off with Neil tomorrow,” Alexander said when she told him.

“He’s working ’til noon so I might as well come down here for a while. I’ll quit around eleven so I can spend most of the weekend with him, whether we go to town or not.”

“Then I’ll see you in the morning.”

Caroline came home to a dark house. The fire burned low in the stove and Neil wasn’t downstairs. She tended the fire and added wood. When she walked into the kitchen, she saw the carry-out box she had fixed Neil remained on the table so she opened the lid. He hadn’t touched the food. No dishes were in the sink, so she figured he hadn’t eaten anything and wondered why not.

She mounted the stairs and at the top, she called his name. He failed to answer but she heard him snoring. Caroline walked into the bedroom and found him, asleep on his right side. The bedside lamp still burned and the paperback book he must have been reading had fallen to the floor. He probably dropped it when he fell asleep. She picked it up and put it on the night stand, then got her pajamas.

After she wiped away a coal ring in the tub, she showered. Neil never stirred, not even when she climbed in beside him. Caroline ran one hand beneath his long underwear shirt, afraid he might be feverish, but his skin remained warm but not hot. She stroked the rough scars on his back, wishing he had never endured such pain. They were marks of honor, though, and he had earned them. She went to sleep, her hand still tucked beneath his shirt, as soon as she warmed from his body heat combined with hers.

Caroline woke cold and stretched out her hand but found Neil absent. The sheet where he’d lain was cool, so he’d been out of bed for a while. She sat up and threw back the covers.

“Neil?”

When he failed to answer, she rose and checked the bathroom, but it was empty. She headed downstairs and smelled coffee before she reached the kitchen. The tight knot in her stomach eased a little, but his actions caused worry. Although the downstairs remained dark, she glimpsed him kneeling at the woodstove. The fire flared and illuminated his face. Shadows made his face appear pale and he wore such a sad expression she wanted to cry. When he heard her footsteps, he glanced up and gave her a small smile.

“What are you doin’ up, Carrie?”

“I woke up and you weren’t there,” she said. “What time is it?”

“It’s about three thirty.”

“Why are you up?”

“I gotta work. I told you.”

“I know but it’s awfully early.”

Neil stood, fully dressed, and brushed his hands against his pants. “I woke up, couldn’t get back to sleep, so I got up. If I went back to sleep, it’d be harder on me. You might as well go back to bed, honey.”

If she did, Caroline couldn’t go back to sleep. “I’d rather cook you breakfast. Do you want some biscuits and gravy?”

He shook his head. “I’m not very hungry.”

She crossed the living room to stand facing him. “You didn’t eat last night either. Neil, what’s fretting you? Don’t you feel well?”

Neil shrugged off her concern. “I’m okay. I ain’t sick.”

“Then what is it? You’re acting strange.”

He put his hands on her shoulders, gentle but strong. “I can’t shake a bad feeling that something is gonna happen. It’s got me all balled up inside.”

“What kind of feeling?”

“You know how before a bad storm, maybe a tornado, everything gets so still,” he said. “And it makes you uneasy and skittish because you know damn well something is coming and you can’t stop it?”

Caroline nodded, unable to speak around the hard ball of dread in her throat.

“It’s like that. I don’t know what it is, Carrie, but I’m carrying a heavy load. It’s been this way for a few days and I’ve tried to ignore it for your sake. But it’s so strong I can’t any longer.”

Her chest tightened and her stomach hardened into a knot. “Is it your PTSD?”

“It ain’t. I may get fucked up sometimes, but this is different, Carrie.”

“You’ve been talking like this ever since you were so sick, Neil. It scares me.”

He offered her the ghost of a grin. “It don’t do much for me, either.”

“Then stay home. Call in, Neil.”

“Whatever’s gonna happen will no matter what I do,” he told her. His hillbilly fatalism increased her dread.

“Don’t say that. You act like fate can’t be changed.”

“Can it?” He shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know if it can.”

“I changed mine by coming home, back where I belong,” Caroline told him. “And that changed yours for the better, too, or at least I like to think so.”

“It has, honey.”

“But?”

She knew what he would say before he did. “This is different.”

“But you said you’ll quit at the end of the year anyway. Quit now, Neil.

“I’m planning on it. If everything works out, I’ll come in with you at the store. But I hafta go today.”

Stubborn as the rocks, she thought and sighed.

“You’ve got the worst case I ever saw of the coal black blues,” she told him. “I don’t suppose there’s anything I can say to change your mind.”

“Probably not, Carrie. Coal black blues? Isn’t that from an old song?” he said, then shifted the subject without waiting for her answer. “Do you want to go up to Charleston after I get off work?”

“You’ll be tired.”

“I’m always tired. Or, we can go fetch a Christmas tree if you want.”

At least he talked like he’d come home in one piece, she thought. “We could go look for a tree this afternoon.”

“Okay, then that’s what we’ll do. Maybe we’ll go to town tomorrow.”

“Maybe so,” Caroline said. The last thing she wanted to do was fight with him. He might be in a more positive frame of mind on Sunday. She hoped so. “I’m going to fix breakfast. How about some bacon and eggs?”

“That sounds fine, Carrie.” He sounded as defeated as she felt right now but like her, he playacted that everything was normal when it wasn’t.

He drank two cups of black coffee, ate a piece of bacon and two eggs fried over-easy. Neil declined her offer of toast and he wouldn’t let her make sandwiches for his lunch.

“I’m not packing one today,” he told her. “We’ll be done around noon. I’ll come by the store, pick up something, then come home and clean up.”

If nothing happens
echoed, the words were unspoken but there, tangible and real, between them.

“Is a full crew working?” she asked, after she cleared the breakfast things from the table.

Neil shook his head. “No, just two crews of twelve. We’re going to try to finish a section that’s almost played out. It’s just seasoned miners today and they’re paying us time and a half.”

She almost told him he didn’t need it but kept quiet. When he got ready to leave, dressed for the mines with his gear out in the truck, Neil opened his arms and she walked into them. Caroline put her head against his chest, squelching the urge to weep, and let him hold her close. After a few moments, he kissed her, with more tenderness than passion, sweeter than bee tree-honey.

“I love you, girl,” he said. He seldom used the old endearment from their early years and she marked it. “You’ve been the best thing that ever happened to me, both times. I’m glad you came back and let me love you.”

Tears burned in her eyes, harsher than salt. “I love you, Neil. You can keep on loving me forever.”

His eyes were dark with sorrow and his tone low. “I will, honey, one way or another.”

Caroline didn’t ask, afraid to know what he might mean.

“Be careful,” she said, although it wasn’t something she normally told him. “I’ll see you after your shift.”

Neil said nothing more, but he folded the fingers of his right hand and put them against her cheek. The gentle gesture touched her and tears formed in her eyes, but she held them until he walked to his truck with a purposeful stride. Caroline watched and waited until the taillights of his truck vanished from sight in the pre-dawn darkness. Then she shut the door, sat down at the kitchen table, and let the tears she had held fall. She wept as if her heart had been shattered, too worried to put her fears into words. After she calmed, she washed her face in the kitchen sink and dried it with a clean dishtowel.

Caroline bowed her head and prayed. “Dear Lord, I don’t know why Neil has such a bad feeling or what he thinks might happen. I don’t even know if he knows. Please keep him safe and in one piece. I can’t believe you’d let me find him again only to take him away so please, let him be all right no matter what.”

The prayer failed to bring the peace she had hoped to find. It did little to temper her concern. Caroline decided to go to the store early. If she buried herself in work, maybe she wouldn’t think so much about Neil. Perhaps it would loosen the knot tied in her chest and belly.

She put on her favorite black jeans, the ones that Neil had admired, and chose a long-sleeved red sweater he had complimented. Caroline put on full makeup, more for confidence than appearance, and spritzed on plenty of lavender cologne. Lavender was supposed to be calming, and today, she could use all the help she could find.