Coalescence - SF3 (25 page)

"Not a word," Jamie said. "You’d just look at me, and I’d melt into your arms. It was mostly about the force of your personality, and the way I felt drawn to you."

"Speaking about the force of my personality, I’m really sorry that I got angry with you this afternoon." Ryan placed an apologetic kiss on the top of the head resting against her shoulder. "It really bothers me when we have a disagreement because I feel so close to you. It’s shocking when we don’t agree on a major issue, and I think that makes the fight seem worse than it really is."

"Yeah, I think you’re right," Jamie agreed. She turned her head to look back up at Ryan with searching eyes. "It really upset me when you wouldn’t talk to me. I felt totally shut out."

"I didn’t want to say anything that I would regret," she hastened to explain. "I don’t like to argue when I’m upset, it just seems too dangerous."

"Well, we need to figure out some way to give you a little space, but have me not feel like you’re really mad."

"I don’t have a solution to that right off the top of my head, but I’ll think about it, okay?"

"Okay. I will too." She gave Ryan a quick kiss, and discussion time was over. They got up and went to start dinner, walking through the warm afternoon sunshine, hand in hand.

Both women were in the mood for a little spice, so they decided to have mango chutney chicken for dinner. While the chicken was baking, they each grabbed a beer and went out on the patio next to the living room to look at the ocean for a while.

"So…day three is almost over," Ryan commented. "How do you think it’s going?"

"Hmm, I’d say it’s been idyllic," Jamie mused. "I feel better than I have in years, to tell you the truth. I’m rested and satisfied, and I feel very well loved. I was really worried that things would be odd or uncomfortable between us, but that hasn’t happened much."

"Nope. Not much at all," Ryan agreed. "But I did want to ask you about one little thing."

"What’s that, Babe?"

"I know this is hard for you, Honey, but the only way we’re going to be really comfortable with each other is if we can learn to be really, really open about expressing our feelings."

"I agree, Honey," Jamie said, with a look of concern crossing her features. "Tell me what’s wrong."

"No, no, there’s nothing wrong," Ryan insisted. "Please don’t think that. I want to be able to have an ongoing dialogue about things—and I don’t want either of us to be tense about any topics. The more we can talk about it, the more comfortable we’ll feel."

"Okay," Jamie said, and Ryan noticed the massive breath that she took to calm herself. "What’s on your mind?"

"Well, yesterday, when we were making love, I was a little disappointed when you asked me not to…"

Jamie covered her face with her hands and she mumbled, "Aaargh! Do we really have to talk about this?"

Ryan considered the question for a moment before she replied, "That depends on whether you want to have an open, trusting, sexual relationship or not, Honey."

Jamie’s head jerked up as she asked, "Do you really believe that? You really think we can’t just have sex without over-analyzing it?"

The tone of Jamie’s voice and her choice of words stung Ryan a little, but she did not back off. This was as important to her as settling the money issue was to Jamie. "I think we could have a decent sex life if we just stuck to what we’ve done so far and left it at that. And if that’s really what you want, I’ll try to cut you some slack." Ryan knew that she was treading on sensitive ground; still, she had to express her desires. To do less would not be fair to her or to Jamie. "But it’s not what I want," she said firmly. "I want our sex life to be as open and honest and fulfilling as the rest of our life, Jamie. It surprises me to think that you don’t share that feeling."

"Oh, Honey." The distressed blonde got up from her chair and knelt down in front of her partner, "you know that I do. This is just hard for me…very hard."

Ryan reached down and pulled her onto her lap. As Jamie’s head rested on her shoulder, she tried to understand. "Tell me what’s hard for you, Babe?"

"It embarrasses me to talk about sex," she admitted. "I think it should just be something natural that happens between us. I don’t see why we have to take the magic out of the whole experience by talking about it."

"You don’t seem to mind talking about other facets of our relationship," Ryan reminded her. "As a matter of fact, you seem to enjoy it when we talk about things."

"I do," she conceded. "But sex is different. It shouldn’t need to be analyzed. It should just…happen."

"Okaaaay," Ryan drawled. "I wanted to make a certain thing happen yesterday, and you didn’t. Would you suggest that I keep trying that certain thing until I wear you down? Or should I try something once and then never try it again, because you are not receptive to it?"

"Well," Jamie mused, "that depends on the thing. There are some things that I might never want to do, and I don’t want you to keep asking. But some things might be okay in general…just not that day."

"And how do I know which of those things are which?" Ryan asked with a guileless expression on her face.

Jamie knew she was trapped, but she tried to extricate herself. "You can…just tell," she decided.

"Okaaaay," Ryan said again, "there are things I’d like you to do to me that you haven’t tried. How do I ask you to do them?"

"Umm," Jamie thought furiously, trying to come up with a good set of signals. "You could just kinda direct me, you know, with your hands or something."

Ryan nodded judiciously before she said, "There are some things I’d like you to do that don’t lend themselves to hand signals. Then what?"

The smaller woman’s mind reeled, trying to imagine what in the hell her lover could possibly be talking about. "Ummm, I guess we just have to cross that bridge when we come to it," she decided, knowing how weak that solution sounded.

"Umm-hmm," Ryan said, looking doubtful. "That sounds like it will work."

Jamie’s head hit Ryan’s shoulder with surprising force. "I know this is silly, but I really feel uncomfortable, Honey."

"Babe, there’s only one way to get over the discomfort. And I think you know what that is," she gently added. "We trust each other, Jamie. I think we have to learn how to be open about this subject. Will you at least give it a try?"

A heavy sigh preceded her reluctant agreement. "I…I’ll try."

Ryan gave her a gentle squeeze and said, "Thanks, Honey. I guarantee that your discomfort will slowly diminish. Now, will you tell me why you didn’t want me to taste you yesterday?"

Jamie groaned as she complained, "Did you have to start there?"

"Babe," Ryan said earnestly, "tell me why the mere topic of oral sex is so hard for you."

Jamie head shook slowly against Ryan’s shoulder as she considered the question. "It’s just so…I don’t know, Honey," she moaned. "I don’t have words for how I feel. It just felt like something that I wasn’t ready for at that moment…Can’t we just leave it at that?"

The timer on the oven buzzed, and as Jamie hopped up to return to the kitchen, Ryan stayed in her chair and considered their conversation. She knew that she had been pushing her partner past her comfort zone, and she also realized that it was going to be next to impossible for her to force the inexperienced woman to get through her discomfort.
I think I need to back off a little and see how things settle. She might feel more comfortable discussing things in smaller bits.
Sighing heavily, she followed her partner into the kitchen to help with the dinner preparations.

Ryan busied herself setting the table while Jamie put some rice on to cook. The taller woman was concentrating on the simple task when she felt a pair of arms encircle her waist. "Mad at me?" a small voice asked.

Ryan turned in the embrace and answered honestly. "Of course not, Honey. I would never be mad at you because you were having a tough time. I know this is hard for you. I’m only trying to make things great for us in the long run. We have plenty of time to work things out."

"But are you happy with what we’ve done so far?" Jamie persisted shyly.

"Yes! Most definitely, yes!" Ryan insisted, hugging the hesitant woman to her chest. "Please don’t think I’m disappointed, Babe. I swear I’m not! I want our sex life to be all that it can be—and I know it will be, once we’re comfortable. Just because we haven’t done everything possible doesn’t mean that what we have done hasn’t been fantastic. It has, Baby, it’s truly been fantastic!"

"You sure?" the small voice asked again, begging for reassurance.

"Positive," Ryan vowed. "Our relationship is going to develop over time, Babe. I only want to make sure we have a good foundation—and I firmly believe that foundation has to start with open communication. I swear that’s all I’m trying to do. I just want to make sure we both feel able to express our wants and needs."

"Okay," Jamie said as she went back to her cooking. "I’ll do my best to make sure we have a good foundation, Babe."

As they relaxed in their chairs after dinner, Ryan spent several minutes praising her lover’s cooking prowess. Jamie just beamed at her, charmed as always by the effusive compliments that Ryan was so willing to offer.

"What would you like to do tomorrow?" Jamie asked. "We’ve spent far too much time doing things I like. I want you to have some fun, too."

Ryan shook her head, smiling the whole while. "We haven’t done one thing that I haven’t enjoyed," she insisted. "Not one thing."

"Come on," Jamie persisted, drawing patterns on the skin of Ryan’s hand with her index finger. "There has to be something you want to do."

"Okay," Ryan said, as she blew out a breath. "I’d like to get some real exercise. I enjoy golf, but in terms of exercise, that’s just a slow, halting walk."

"Name it," the blonde demanded. "Whitewater rafting, mountain climbing, rappelling down office buildings…"

"Jamie, don’t be silly," Ryan cajoled. "There aren’t any office buildings around here tall enough to make rappelling any fun at all!" She ducked the pinch that her comment elicited and said, "I think I’d like to play in the water. Are you up for that?"

"Sure. You name it. I was entirely serious."

"Okay," Ryan mused thoughtfully. "Surfing."

"Surfing?" Jamie asked weakly.

"Surfing…and shopping," the blue eyes twinkled.

"Shopping? You want to go shopping?"

"
My
kinda
shopping," Ryan declared with a beaming grin.

While Ryan cleaned the kitchen, Jamie sat on a stool and watched her work. After just a few minutes she found that she was becoming mesmerized by the languid movements of her partner as she gracefully moved around the kitchen. She was just thinking about attempting to distract her for a little love when Ryan announced that she was going to take a quick shower to get the chlorine from the Jacuzzi off.

Jamie was a little unsure of herself at this point. She was still uneasy about their earlier talk, and she was not really comfortable making the first move. In the past she could just wait until Jack made a move—since he made one nearly every day--then she could decide whether or not she was in the mood. But she didn’t want it to be that way with Ryan, and it was clear that wasn’t what Ryan wanted either. In the middle of her reverie, she heard the shower stop running and decided to go upstairs and rinse off, hoping to get up her nerve to entice her partner. Ryan was just coming out of the bathroom, sparkling clean, when Jamie arrived. "Hi, Sweets," the dark-haired woman said with a smile. Jamie gave her a kiss and took a moment to breathe in her clean scent. "You smell great," she said in her best seductive tone.

But Ryan didn’t seem to notice the tone or the small hand sliding up and down her backside. "I’ll go downstairs and see what I can rustle up for dessert, okay?"

"Um…alright," Jamie said. "Will you come back up?"

"No. It’s a little early for bed," she said as she looked at her watch. "It’s only seven, Hon." She laughed as she tweaked Jamie’s nose.

Swallowing her disappointment, Jamie got into the shower and had a little talk with herself.
She isn’t like Jack
, she said.
Yes, she has a healthy sex drive, but you’ve told her that you didn’t like it when Jack came on too strong. You’ve got to learn to make the first move—or you’re not going to get what you need
.

The warm water slid down her body as her mind continued to muse.
Why don’t you go downstairs and tell her what you want. You know she’ll do her best to please you.

She was still wrestling with her indecision when she went downstairs 15 minutes later. She noticed that the lights in the kitchen were quite dim, and as she came around the corner she saw that only the under-cabinet halogen lamps were on. "Ryan?" she called, but received no answer. Coming fully into the room, she gasped aloud as she took in the scene that greeted her.

Ryan was sitting on one of the high stools, leather jacket hanging open, revealing a tight white ribbed cotton tank top. Worn, ripped jeans hugged every curve but, oddly, she was barefoot. Her hair hung loosely against her back, looking a little wild as it curled around her shoulders. Dark sunglasses covered her blue eyes, and she held a beer casually dangling between her open legs. Jamie’s mouth went bone dry at the sight of her dark, untamed beauty, and her heart started racing as she took in the fantasy-turned-reality.