Coconuts and Wonderbras (14 page)

    ‘Why the hell did he take you there when you were booked into a hotel in Siem Reap? I’ll have Bryant hung by his balls for this, that’s if he’s got any, the stupid bastard,’ yells Toby.

I imagine he is quite red in the face. This must mean he really loves me. I decide not to tell him, after what I saw of Alex Bryant last night, that he most certainly has balls. Oh yes indeed, of that I have no doubt. I feel my face grow hot and turn it from Alex.

    ‘I don’t mind telling you, if I was there I’d make mincemeat of that arrogant bastard.’

    ‘Toby, I’m getting a bit confused. What exactly are you talking about?’ I say finally, when sensing he is about to take a breath.

    ‘You’re in the heart of it. You’re fucking sitting ducks. If you’re lucky they will hang, draw and quarter him.’

The truth is I have no idea what on earth he is on about. I know we are not in Siem Reap but he is making it sound like we are in the middle of a drug baron war. All I have managed to ascertain is that Toby is very angry and wants to make mincemeat of Alex, presumably after he has hung him by his balls, and if he has not already been hung, drawn and quartered by someone else. Not that I have the vaguest idea who this ‘someone else’ may be. I am beginning to wonder if I should mention that we are here because I buggered up the addresses, and not Alex. On reflection maybe not, I really don’t think I could cope with them both shouting at me.

    ‘All I can say is it’s a bloody good job Alex Bryant isn’t standing in front of me,’ rambles on Toby.

    ‘Oh my God, it certainly is,’ I shriek as Alex pulls out a gun. My God, it really is a gun, with a barrel and everything. Christ, how did he get that through customs? When he collected another bag at the airport I didn’t imagine it held his own artillery. He’ll be producing a grenade next, and to think I nearly got arrested for being a terrorist. I ask you.

    ‘I’d have his guts for garters. I’m not scared of him,’ continues Toby.

Not to mention hanging his balls out to dry. There won’t be much left of Alex to make mincemeat of at the rate Toby is going.

    ‘Why don’t you just have a word with him, he is right beside me,’ I say, finishing on a whimper. I really just want to get away from the damn gun. For the first time since he phoned Toby goes silent.

    ‘Toby, are you still there?’

Is that a smirk on Bryant’s face? Oh, if it wasn’t for that gun, I would happily wipe it off.

    ‘Well, no, it’s okay. I’m not going to get far talking to him on the phone am I? But, I tell you, if I was there, I would…’

I sigh. Really, do I have to listen to this?

    ‘Hang draw and quarter him and then hang him by his balls. Of course, this is after you have had his guts for garters and then you will make mincemeat of him. But, of course, you don’t want to tell him what you think of him over the phone.’

I don’t know why I say all this in front of Alex Bryant. I actually feel quite let down by Toby. If he really loves me, which surely he must considering he is so worried about me, then why doesn’t he tell Alex Bryant what he thinks of him? Alex pulls me by the arm and leads me back into the house. Obviously I don’t argue. The door is slammed shut and Alex shoots the flimsy bolt across. Now, bearing in mind I have no idea what the hell is going on here, I have come to the realisation that it is not good. You don’t pull out guns and slam and bolt doors if everything is hunky-dory now do you? Alex is frantically looking around, and I feel an overwhelming urge to throw myself to the floor like people do in the films. Oh my Lord, It seems like I am not going to stay alive long enough to contract cholera. I stare at the gun.

    ‘Don’t worry, it isn’t loaded. It’s just a scare tactic,’ mumbles Bryant, pushing a chair against the door.

    ‘What’s happening? Is everything okay?’ Toby shouts down the phone.

I am now trembling so much that I can barely speak.

    ‘I’m really not sure,’ I say in a shaky but I’m attempting to be brave voice.

Alex is pulling things from under the reception counter but by his grunts he obviously isn’t finding what he is looking for. He fiddles with a belt for a few seconds and then throws it to one side. He turns and studies me and then seems to make a decision.

    ‘Take your bra off,’ he says firmly.

Jesus, someone help me. What the hell is going on?

    ‘For fuck’s sake, put that arsehole on the phone now,’ screams Toby.

    ‘Libby, take your bra off,’ Alex says again, his voice soft but firm.

    ‘Don’t you fucking dare,’ yells Toby.

I really don’t see what right Toby has to tell me who I can or can’t take my bra off for. After all, when was the last time he asked me to take off a bra? My bottom lip trembles and my legs suddenly give way, and I quickly grab the reception desk for support.

    ‘We have a situation, we’ve been compromised,’ whispers Alex peering around the curtain.

    ‘Libby, are you there, for Christ’s sake answer,’ cries Toby.

    ‘I’ve been compromised,’ I reply stupidly.

    ‘What! You mean he took advantage of you? That is the last straw… I…’

    ‘No not Alex.’

    ‘Who then?’

    ‘I don’t know,’ I say beginning to cry.

How dare Bryant ask me to remove any part of my clothing? Toby is quite right about him, he is indeed a prick. I hand Alex my Blackberry with shaking hands.

    ‘Toby wants to speak to you,’ I hiss, tears streaming down my cheeks. ‘Toby is very angry with you.’

    ‘I couldn’t care what Toby is feeling,’ he says, snatching the phone and clicking it off.

    ‘I hate you,’ I cry.

    ‘Whatever, just give me your bra woman and do as you’re told.’

I can’t take my eyes off the gun. I’m not sure I believe him when he said it wasn’t loaded. I’m here for a book conference for Christ’s sake, not the showdown at the OK Corral. There is a lot of shouting from outside and from the window I can see a group of men angrily waving sticks and heading towards the house. What if they make me watch them hang draw and quarter Alex? I know I hate him but not that much. A stick hits the window and I scream and dive dramatically to the floor, accidentally grabbing Alex Bryant by the leg as I do so. We both fall and Alex collapses on top of me. I feel the heat from his body and his pounding heart vibrates against my chest. His face is so close to mine that his breath seems to caress my neck. I feel a strange tingle deep inside me.

    ‘We really have been compromised, Libby. The rebels are holed up in this village. They think we’re a threat or a possible hostage negotiation prospect. I don’t want to get too aggressive with them but I need to see them off. There is nothing here I can use. Now, will you please give me your bra? It’s better than nothing. Whatever you think of me, I can assure you I am not a rapist.’

His soft whisper sounds like a caress, and if I wasn’t so scared I think I might have swooned just a little bit. I wasn’t really thinking that he was going to rape me, was I? Okay, yes I suppose I was. What was I supposed to think? He looks into my eyes and we both jump at the sound of shouting and cracks at the window. I really am going to die in Cambodia. I roll over onto my stomach and pull my dress straps down. It takes some manoeuvring to get the top part of my dress down while lying on the floor. Before I have time to lean back to unclasp my bra, Alex has already expertly unclipped it. Without a moment’s hesitation he whips it out from under me. His warm body leaves mine and I crawl behind the counter and pull my dress up. I sneak a look around the counter to see Alex outside swinging my bra around his head. Good God, my Wonderbra has become a slingshot. I know it is the eighth wonder of the world but isn’t this taking things just a bit too far? I’m seriously having a Wonderbra moment in that nothing seems entirely what it really is. My phone shrills and I cover my ears to drown out the sound. The shouting is much louder now and more continuous as they seem to be chanting something. I am gripping the corners of the counter so hard that I swear the circulation in my hands has stopped. All I can think about is how good Alex smelt and how warm and delicious his breath felt on my neck. Stop being so stupid Libby. As if a man like Alex Bryant would even give me a second glance.

The temple bell chimes three or four times. I realise that Alex must be using my bra as a slingshot to fire pebbles at the temple bell. The shouting becomes fainter, and I realise the crowd are retreating. They must all be going to the temple. Alex returns and looks at me and seems strangely embarrassed. I quickly look down. It would be just like me to have my bloody tits on show. No, all is well, but I’m not hanging half as well as I was earlier when wearing my Wonderbra. Although that stone infested thing is not getting anywhere near my breasts now, I can assure you.

    ‘Are you okay?’ he asks almost shyly.

I attempt to stand up, but my legs give way. How embarrassing. He must think me such a weakling. It isn’t every day that armed rebels attack the hotel I am staying in, is it? And it certainly isn’t every day I am boldly asked to whip my bra off in order to fight them off. Thank God he didn’t ask for my knickers. The only pair I could find this morning was my Spanx panties. Massively embarrassing, of course, but highly useful. Next time we get attacked I shall just strip off and ask him what bit of my underwear is the weapon of choice to fight the enemy.

    ‘I can’t think why you didn’t use your gun,’ I say, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull me up. ‘That surely would have been more effective than my bra and easier to get your hands on.’

Oh God, that sounds awful and very wrong. He raises his eyebrows but says nothing. I attempt to put things right and of course things just get worse.

    ‘What I mean is, pulling out your gun surely would have been far easier than taking off my bra. It would have saved you all the trouble.’

    ‘It was no trouble,’ he replies in a calm cool, smooth voice that has more of an impact than if he had just made a pass at me.

I feel myself flush red.

    ‘I don’t know what you’ve read or what your boyfriend has told you, but the rebels aren’t all they seem. They actually have some very valid arguments. I didn’t want us to be a bargaining tool for them. Hopefully they now know that we will defend ourselves, but we’re not aggressors. We need to leave here and get to Siem Reap. If you really want to learn what we are dealing with, read my book and not some badly researched article by Toby. You would do well to consider writing some stuff yourself while you’re here.’

I realise his hand is still holding mine and I reluctantly slide it away and pat my hair.

    ‘We should pack,’ he says in a practical voice and strolls away from me and seems to leap up the rickety stairs. He stops half way and turns.

    ‘We don’t have time for you to change, or time to pack all your stuff. I’m taking one rucksack. Get together essentials and then we’re going.’

I stare at him.

    ‘Oh yes, very useful,’ he smiles and tosses the bra to me.

I can barely breathe and feel an overwhelming urge to phone Issy for advice. Before I can, my Blackberry rings. It is Toby. I hear his booming voice before I even put the phone to my ear.

    ‘What the fuck. Are you okay Libby? He’s a bloody maniac…’

    ‘Toby, you are massively overreacting. We were compromised but Alex has everything in hand. We have to move out right away.’

Christ, I am sounding like a female Alex Bryant.

    ‘Libs, I’m coming out there,’ he says with a dramatic air of finality in his voice.

    ‘You’re what?’ I squeal.

    ‘This has made me realise that I really love you Libs, and if you insist on staying in a dangerous country then I want to be with you.’

Stone the crows. Am I hearing him correctly? Toby loves me and is coming to Cambodia to be with me? At last, Toby is doing what I dreamed of, and all I can seem to think about is Alex Bryant, who doesn’t even notice I exist until he needs my bra. Christ on a bike, isn’t that just typical?

Chapter Fifteen

    I look at the rickety boat and my heart sinks. We have walked for miles and I am seriously exhausted. It is stiflingly hot and Bryant keeps saying we can’t chance getting a taxi. I think he is paranoid. Any warm feelings I felt for him vanished when he refused to allow me to change before leaving. If that wasn’t enough, he also forbade me to bring my hairdryer, face cream and a spare pair of sandals. The only thing I threw on was my bra which, I swear, must still have stones in it as something has been sandpapering my nipple the whole way. I’ve heard of joggers’ nipple but this is ridiculous. Alex Bryant is most definitely bad for my health. This is the most exercise I have had in years, I’m not sure my body can take it.

    ‘There’s no time to lose,’ he had snapped, his blue eyes hardening.

I have been dragged through rice fields, hurried along dirt tracks and told to turn off my phone in case we are being tracked. If Alex Bryant is Indiana Jones, then I am most certainly Lara Croft. I rather think if I had been allowed to have my hairdryer and face cream I could have looked half like her too. Well, I can dream can’t I? I imagine I look more like Nora Batty at present. My feet are filthy, and there are bits of tree in my hair. I have no intention of staying in this God-forsaken country for one minute longer than I have to, and shall phone Jamie as soon as we reach the hotel. I only hope Toby has not got a flight already. I daren’t phone him. The last time I had pulled my phone from my dress pocket was about an hour ago and the sharp look I had got from Alex-
hold-it-there
-Bryant was almost enough to kill me on the spot. We have trudged through a thick wood and ahead of us is a rickety boat on the shore of a lake. If he thinks I am getting in that then he has another think coming. Alex surveys me in such a way that I blush from head to toe. He slowly removes the rucksack from his back. I stand mesmerised as I watch him unsheathe his knife. What now? And why is being with Alex Bryant like being on a date with Crocodile Dundee?