Coconuts and Wonderbras (27 page)

    ‘Life I imagine, if we don’t get him breathing again,’ I say unhelpfully.

A hand brushes my hip and I swing round. My mouth opens ready to scream when I see it is Alex behind me. Although I should say he could better be described as some kind of God. I only wish I looked like some kind of model but alas, I don’t. His arms go around me and he whispers angrily in my ear.

    ‘What are you doing?’

His breath on my neck makes me shiver.

    ‘Rescuing you,’ quivers Issy.

    ‘Yes,’ says mother, trying to suppress her swoon.

    ‘Rescuing me from whom exactly?’ His eyes are dark and flashing with anger, but oh, he looks gorgeous.

I open my mouth but nothing comes out.

    ‘Oh dear,’ moans mother.

    ‘These men are protecting me,’ he snaps angrily. ‘You’re lucky they didn’t shoot you.’

    ‘But we thought…’ I say stupidly.

    ‘I know what you thought.’ His eyes bore into mine and I feel like I’m being hypnotised. He turns and looks beyond me to the motorbike.

    ‘What do you think you’re doing on that?’ he asks, widening his eyes.

I pull back my shoulders. Surely he will be proud of me now.

    ‘I know how to ride a motorcycle,’ I reply timidly.

    ‘Stupid woman, you could have killed yourself,’ he responds dismissively.

Well, that’s thanks for you. Why is he so angry? He should be pleased we came to rescue him. Okay, so he didn’t need rescuing, but it’s the thought that counts. Why is he being so horrible? More importantly, why doesn’t he release me? As though reading my mind, he removes his hands and walks towards the man on the ground who is thankfully now moaning.

    ‘I’d better check on the damage,’ he says gruffly.

    ‘I say,’ whispers mother. ‘He’s a thousand times better looking in real life isn’t he, but shorter than I imagined.’

I have to agree that he does indeed look gorgeous and not in the least short. I just want to wrap myself within the warmth of his body, although right now there is not much warmth being generated my way and I struggle to control my tears.

    ‘Oh dear,’ mumbles Issy. ‘Perhaps we should go.’

A Mercedes roars along the dirt track and Alex groans. Jonathan leaps from the passenger side and runs towards us.

    ‘What are you doing ladies?’ he asks, but there is a good-natured smile on his face.

    ‘Being dangerous heroines,’ mumbles Alex helping the guard up. ‘Take them to their hotel. I’ll take care of the bike.’

Well, how ungrateful is that.

    ‘We came here to help you and you could at least be a bit grateful. You’re nothing but a stuck-up arrogant arse,’ I throw at him angrily and proceed to climb into the car. Mother follows and Issy turns angrily on Jonathan.

    ‘You might have said something,’ she snaps. ‘We may have been saved from making a fool of ourselves.’

    ‘Alex asked me not to. I have to agree the less people that know the better. It’s on a need-to-know basis. If you remember I said I was concerned about Libby. I never mentioned Alex.’

    ‘Bloody need-to-know-basis,’ I scoff.

    ‘Oh dear,’ mumbles mother again.

    ‘Libby, Alex asked…’ Jonathan begins.

    ‘I’m really not interested in anything Alex has to say,’ I snap.

Issy sighs.

    ‘Oh dear,’ repeats mother.

    ‘Mother, please stop saying,
oh dear
.’

    ‘Oh dear, I’m sorry, Libby.’

I sigh.

Chapter Twenty-Three

    ‘Toby has severe commitment issues, Libs,’ Issy crackles through my hotel room telephone. ‘He has no idea about the emotional connection between the sexes, or the natural progression of a relationship. He is just a fuckdick without
a dick. He is constantly flirting with other women, why don’t you dump the little shit?’

Issy had only phoned to say Jamie had called an emergency meeting. The conversation had quickly progressed to her opinions on Toby. I can only seem to think of Alex who is a million miles from being a fuckdick and who I feel sure has a large one, a dick that is. Here I go getting all hot again.

    ‘I wish I knew how I felt Issy. I used to get this churning in my stomach whenever I saw Toby and…’

    ‘It was probably reflux. He has that effect on me.’

I ignore her.

    ‘But I don’t any more. I know I am still fond of him but that desperation I felt about getting engaged to him seems to have gone.’

    ‘Toby is the vilest man I have ever met.’

    ‘I don’t know if I’d go that far. What about that man who exposes himself in our park every Friday?’

    ‘Yuk, yes I agree he is quite vile, but he is probably providing a service. The old dears living in the home across the way don’t seem to mind, but they have probably not seen a dick for like a hundred years. Okay, Toby is the second vilest man I have ever met. I would very much like to pop his head onto a platter and hand it to you at dinner.’

    ‘What a lovely thought,’ I gush.

    ‘You’re not thinking about Toby are you? I bet you haven’t stopped fantasising about having filthy sex with Alex Bryant, am I right?’

I sigh.

    ‘I’ve blown it with him. He is very cross with me. I really shouldn’t have interfered. But I really don’t know why he was
so
cross.’

    ‘No, you shouldn’t bloody interfere. If you had left well alone, Toby could now have been in hospital with concussion. What a shame. And you, no doubt, would have been summoned to the new safe house. Instead, we ruined everything.’

    ‘Issy, you shouldn’t wish things like that on anyone. Anyway, I don’t believe Alex would have seriously hurt Toby. Did you know Alex has a black belt in martial arts?’

    ‘Darling, I’ve read all his books. You’re the one who seems to know nothing about your own client.’

    ‘You shouldn’t wish concussion on anyone, all the same.’

    ‘Well, he is a wanker,’ she mumbles. ‘See you at Jamie’s dinner meeting.’

I really can’t disagree. In fact, should I have any doubts, I remind myself of just how Toby talks to me. I am not sure why he is here but it surely can’t be because he truly loves me can it? Or maybe it is. After all, he hates countries like this but he came anyway. He also fought Alex for me. At least I think it was for me, but then again, if my memory serves me right, wasn’t it Alex who called Toby out for a fight? Oh dear, I’m beginning to think I need psychotherapy or whoever it is you see when you can’t sort your love life out. Mum bursts in on a cloud of ‘Joy’ perfume. She is wearing the Christian Dior suit that she bought for my cousin’s wedding. A string of pearls dangle at her throat and long sparkly earrings hang from her earlobes.

    ‘It’s not an Oscar’s dinner you know,’ I mumble pulling off my towelling robe.

    ‘I’m not having that Penelope woman think she is the only one who knows how to dress. Talking of which, what do you propose to wear.’

    ‘Ah, actually…’ I stammer.

She picks up the thin strapped dress I had lain on the bed and gives a disapproving tut.

    ‘You’ll never attract a man like Alex Bryant if you wear clothes from online catalogues,’ she groans, picking it up with two fingers as though a cat had pissed on it.

    ‘My married lover back home happens to adore that dress,’ I say casually as I stroll into the bathroom.

She pops on her glasses and looks at me over them.

    ‘Well both he and the dress will have to go. What about this?’

I pop my head round the bathroom door to see she is holding up a Laura Ashley print dress.

    ‘Yes, fabulous, except the thing doesn’t go over my hips and don’t forget Alex Bryant will not be at this dinner but his lovely fiancée will be,’ I say dryly and grab the catalogue dress which mother quickly snatches off me.

    ‘Exactly, and that is why you have to look drop gorgeous.’

    ‘Drop-
dead,
gorgeous,’ I correct. ‘And have you forgotten that Alex is livid with me?’

    ‘I haven’t forgotten how he couldn’t keep his hands off you when he first saw you this afternoon, either.’

    ‘I didn’t really notice,’ I say blushing.

    ‘Oh yes you did.’

She winks at me. Good Lord, she is quite right of course.

    ‘Yes, well this should do it. Try it on. I do believe you have shifted a few pounds. Your bum doesn’t wobble like it used to.’

Well that’s good news. I am quite surprised to discover she is quite right and the dress does indeed slip over my hips and I look quite amazing in it. If only Alex were going to be at the dinner.

    ‘Perfect, now all you need is some make-up and your hair tied into a neat bun and you will actually look quite presentable.

    ‘You don’t have to sound so surprised.’

    ‘I only wish Alex Bryant was going to be at dinner.’

I sigh heavily. So do I. I’m not relishing seeing Toby or Penelope but at least I feel a little more confident than I did earlier. Issy is already in the dining room and rushes to greet me, skidding to a stop when she sees my dress.

    ‘Bloody hell Libs, you’re looking fantastic.’

She looks past me and groans. I turn to see Toby. He gives me a lopsided smile. I attempt to smile back but it feels like my face has been botoxed.

    ‘How are you feeling?’ I ask kindly.

Issy smirks.

    ‘Grateful I would think,’ she scoffs. ‘It could have been two black eyes couldn’t it Toby?’

I nudge her in the ribs.

    ‘You don’t have aspirin by any chance? I don’t trust the bloody pharmacies here. Their drugs are probably all spiked with heroin or something. This is a bloody awful country, Libby. I can’t think why you wanted to come here. It’s so hot too. I can barely breathe.’

    ‘You could take your jacket and tie off for once,’ I suggest.

    ‘What?’ he asks, like I’ve spoken in a foreign language.

    ‘Keep your hair on Toby. She didn’t ask you to remove your trousers. Even I couldn’t stand that,’ scoffs Issy. ‘Who knows, you may actually grow to love it here. I can picture you adopting a baby and taking it home. One feels the compassion oozing from you,’ she says mockingly while attempting to remove his jacket.

What is wrong with Issy tonight? I rack my brains to think of something intelligent to say and realise it would be totally lost on Toby.

    ‘Do leave off. Are you sure you don’t have any painkillers?’ he grumbles.

The worst of it all is that my parents are totally ignoring him. In fact mother is making a very good job of looking right through him. I feel dead embarrassed.

    ‘Sorry Toby, I never carry painkillers,’ says Issy, not sounding in the least apologetic.

What a liar. Issy is one of those people who don’t just carry a pack of pills, but a make-up bag full of them. She is the only person I know who takes two Paracetamol just in case she gets a headache and three Imodium in case she gets diarrhoea. Issy is, most certainly
a just in case
kind of girl. I imagine her bowels have totally clammed up. Knowing her she most likely swallowed enough Imodium to constipate an elephant before coming here, just in case. I don’t imagine she will be shitting herself for some time.

    ‘Fucking Bryant, I swear he has dislocated my shoulder and there are no decent bloody hospitals here,’ moans Toby.

What a shame he didn’t break your arrogant neck, I think. I give him a disparaging look and sit down. Penelope strolls in and his face lights up. Just what is he playing at? Jesus Christ, she looks like she has arrived for a sodding film premiere. She glances about and looks disappointed that there are no paparazzi. Although why she thinks there would be, I do not know. She strolls over, holding up her long ball gown. I ask you, a ball gown. As far as she is aware her fiancé is God knows where, with God knows who, and having God knows what done to him and she strolls in like fiancée of the year. Her face is plastered with make-up and it looks as if she has just had her hair professionally blow dried.

    ‘No one told me there was a photo shoot after dinner,’ says Issy. ‘I would have popped my jewels on.’

    ‘Oh hello,’ says Penelope, greeting us. She gives a sideways glance to Toby and then flicks her blonde bob behind her ears in such a sensual way that I actually blush.

    ‘Hi Tobe, how are you feeling?’ she asks, glancing slyly at me.

    ‘Surely she means toad?’ whispers Issy.

    ‘Shush,’ I hiss.

Jonathan bounds into the restaurant and I see Issy tremble. Mother is walking about with a tray of sherry. Where on earth did she get that? She’ll be coming round with pickled gherkins next. I grab a glass and throw it back gratefully. Toby pulls me by the hand and drags me into a corner.

    ‘You’re looking rather sexy tonight,’ he growls huskily into my ear. His hand runs over my hip and travels round to my backside.

Good heavens.

    ‘I do?’

A small line of perspiration has appeared on his upper lip. He licks his lips and squeezes my buttock.

    ‘It’s been so long since we, well you know,’ he says throatily, positioning himself in front of me. I gasp as I feel his hand sliding up my thigh. ‘God Libby, I’ve missed you.’

I feel my breath catch in my throat. At that moment mother throws herself across the room like a rugby player and lands panting in the middle of us. I’m almost expecting her to tackle Toby to the ground.

    ‘There you are, I’ve been looking everywhere for you,’ she says with a smile while yanking Toby’s hand roughly away from my thigh. I follow her gratefully to the table where Jonathan is greeting Penelope.

    ‘Do you know why the press are not here?’ she asks him.

    ‘Probably because we have not informed them where we are,’ he replies tersely and kisses me gently on the cheek.

    ‘What on earth do you mean, you have not informed them?’ She says, her voice rising.

    ‘I’ve arranged a media blackout,’ he responds, pulling out a chair for Issy.

Toby, who is now studying the menu, lets out a deep sigh.

    ‘Jesus, isn’t there anything a person can eat here that is safe?’ He says slamming the menu onto the table.