Coffin Fit (The Grateful Undead series Book 4) (4 page)

I ignored him.

Betty continued. "...and Marcus, Dorius, Camillio, and Warren from here, and—bless those dead Italian hearts—they're sendin' five or ten of the biggest an' baddest out wolf huntin' with them." Betty's lips spread across her cheeks, and with exuberance, she said, "Oh, and Zaire."

...and
I assure you, I fully intended to discuss the mission with you before I left.

I totally tuned out Marcus. "Excuse me? Did she say Zaire?" I asked with a bit of gravel in my tone.

"Not like she just got back from her last mission," Resi mumbled from the front window, her hands on her hips.

Dorius stepped into the screen and edged in front of Betty. "That will be enough, Elizabeth. I asked you not to discuss either mission with anyone before—"

Dorius grunted as Betty elbowed him over to one side of the computer screen.

"She called me!" Betty said, and the tip of her index finger filled the screen.

I noticed Jeni lowered the speed on the treadmill and her pace slowed. She was looking in our direction with twinkling eyes, and a wicked smile dressed out the lower portion of her face.

JoAnn was fingering the last of the O-positive from her glass, and making slurping noises as she rubbed the bloody finger on her gums and over her front teeth. She set the glass in the kitchen sink with the straw. Pulling out her
Windex
bottle and a feather duster, JoAnn headed for the coffee table with the stuffed gator holding up its glass top.

This time, before I could speak, my mother snapped, "You said I get the next mission, Dorius!"

"I know I did, Concetta." Dorius usually called my mother Connie or Concetta, the latter when he was wearing his 'all business' face. "However," Dorius continued, "it is paramount we get on top of this before it spreads across another continent. The mission demands immediate attention—experienced attention. The team I handpicked both here and in Italy will be capable of doing the job."

"What the hell?" Mom said. "We're capable! We've proved ourselves over and over again! Didn't we take down a demon? Didn't we send your dead, evil, first mate back to Hell where you'd sentenced her for eternity? Didn't we send the sorcerer who summoned her from Hell, back to Hell with her? And what about Raphael? Didn't we get my daughter back from the demon,
and
bust the last rogue case while we were at it? Never mind mentioning Sonny. Never mind we added the first two vampire-shape-shifter
deformities
to your team?"

Betty's eyes went all I-want-to-kick-your-ass ugly.

JoAnn mumbled, "Yep, y'all brought me back alright—smack-dab into the middle of a fire. I left Hell unharmed, only to get torched up here. And then, I was locked in Raphael's gilded cage when the stupid dragon sprayed scummy bayou water all over me, ruined my new dress, and left my burned up luggage smoldering."

JoAnn tucked the
Windex
into its rightful pocket and longingly eyed the shot glass in the sink. I watched her push the dirty paper toweling into a white trash bag hanging from her apron and then took out a damp rag. She headed for the television screen for the third or fourth time that night.

Dorius rubbed his goatee with long thin fingers while Mom continued to make her case. JoAnn kept whining about her lost trinkets during the New Orleans crackdown. And Marcus was rumbling impatiently in my head.

"Suck it up, Aunt JoAnn," Resi said, still standing by the window. "I got my bangs singed and my ass fried bringing you home. At least the dragon wet you down."

JoAnn stopped cleaning and shot Resi grumpy eyes.

Betty got Resi's attention. "And sugar, that cab ride sure did turn you fifty shades of pink when you caught your mamma having sex on the back of that
Harley
." Betty laughed. "And poor Sonny saw the whole thing—had to be embarrassin', right, Peanut Butter Cup?" She laughed again.

I still have that bike, love. Care to give it another whirl when I get back from Italy?

Still ignoring my mate, I grimaced at my misplaced sexual prowess. Marcus and I had been following Betty and Resi when they hijacked Sonny's cab in New Orleans. I was straddling a motorcycle while wearing a wedding dress, my knees hugging Marcus's hips, the road under us creating a comforting vibration. It seemed like a good idea to give sex a whirl. It was a memorable moment . . . for everyone.

Anyway, Sonny turned out to be the rogue we were all hunting. Only, he wasn't one of the bad guys. He was actually trying to stop the bad guys, which were a pack of JoAnn's little creations. Once again, my sister's blunder brought us full circle.

". . .walking around New Orleans, dressed in a clear plastic outfit filled with lime green and bright orange gelatin was no picnic either." Resi was saying.

"You still got that outfit?" Betty perked up. "'Cause I still got thirty-five-hundred bucks burning a hankerin' in my pocket."

"
Zitto! Zitto!
" Mom yelled in Italian, fingers in a V and pointing at everyone—not good. "
Ognuno chiuso I'inferno
!"

The room seemed to take a breath, because none of us could. It looked like everyone got the word inferno. She could've been sending us to Hell; I, personally was hoping she was just telling us to shut the hell up. Whatever. She got our attention. We all shut-up, and she continued in English.

"Why am I not going to Italy on this mission?" My mother's words were quiet and slow. That was not a good sign; when her arms shot up, we all bolted behind her faster than the human eye could blink.

"You gonna answer her, sweetie, or should I?" Betty asked Dorius.

With eyebrows fighting over the bridge of his nose, Dorius scowled at his mate before answering my mother. "Yes, while everything you stated is certainly an accomplishment, Concetta—"

"I feel a shit coming on," my mother interrupted, hands safely tucked under her armpits.

I felt a 'but' coming on as I moved back up by Mom.

"Unfortunately, none of those accomplishments were part of any of your missions at the time." Dorius continued. "Your sole assignment was and has always been, to rid us of the immortal animals your clan has created."

Dorius's head bobbed as he glanced at those of us standing in front of the computer screen. I watched his black hair brush the front of his red, silk shirt as he talked, so I didn't have to look at the smirk on his face.

"You have yet to accomplish this." Dorius continued ignoring my mother's hostile expression. "And, in fact, the situation has spread out of control. Therefore, you will have one more chance to redeem yourselves. If you do not succeed this time, there will be consequences. Do I make myself clear?"

Susan, my brother, is very distraught over the situation in Italy, and the issue of Christopher and Lily. I suggest you drink slowly from the bottomless fount of ill-displayed persuasion. The one you are so fond of gulping from when I am around. Get this situation under control before it turns into something I am unable to fix.

Okay, so that was just plain snotty. I not only ignored Marcus, I mentally huffed at him, and, for spite, turned the knife a bit. "So why does Zaire get to go?"

I wish you hadn't asked that question, love. Promise me you won't let your mother throw the laptop across the room.

If Dorius weren't looking so smug, if his eyes weren't twinkling with amusement, I might have laughed out loud at Marcus's comment. Instead, I lovingly slid my arms around my mother's neck and pulled her back to my chest as I stood behind her. She looked up at me. "What the hell is this?"

"I love you," I said, kissing the top of her head.

Jeni choked, spewed water all over the oak floor in front of the treadmill, and ended up falling off the back edge, detaching the small red disk that shut the machine down.

"Look at yourselves," Dorius said.

Darling, be assured that I love you unconditionally.
Marcus was tugging at my last nerve.
A small thing like aging will not deter my love for you.

Dorius shuddered. "Chick, something horrid is happening with your family. You have age spots everywhere, and your spandex is appallingly displaying every sagging, bagging part of your upper body."

Betty said, "At least ya can't see the condition of her ass cause she's sittin' on it."

JoAnn rubbed smaller, faster circles on the television screen.

Dorius glowered at Betty. "
And
," he said a little too loudly before pulling his eyes back to the camera lens on the laptop. "Resi has a tube of flesh three inches thick running around her abdomen. Susan—"

"Hey, hey, now!" Resi shouted from the kitchen sink. "We will get this under control."

Jeni was bent over, holding her stomach. "I'm gonna piss myself," she squawked.

I tightened my mother-daughter hug, and said, "What does all of that have to do with why Zaire is going to Italy?"

Shame, you're usually so intuitive, sweetheart.

I really wanted to address Marcus's smart ass remark, but Dorius's voice was deadly.

"Susan," Dorius slowly hissed. "I suggest you check your tone if you want an answer to your questions, because giving you one is purely gratuitous."

My eyelids dug into my corneas. Marcus didn't like it when his brother gave me shit. My mate's anger made me flinch.

"Why is Zaire going, your royal hi
anus—Sir?
" As I clicked the heels of my Doc Martins and saluted, Marcus barked an uncontainable laugh. Thank goodness his brother couldn't hear it.

But Dorius had heard Betty snicker. With eyes calculating and nostrils flaring, he used a cold, sardonic voice. "Zaire is the
only
member of your clan who isn't falling apart. And might I add that Susan's first summoning started the demon ball rolling, which led to this very curse." One side of his mouth twitched. "I'd be the laughing stock of Italy's underworld if I sent the rest of your team. Besides that, I have no idea where the demon is going with the curse. I have enough to attend to because of your family's shenanigans. I will not babysit that gaffe."

I felt Mom go rigid under my arms. My daughterly hug was turning into a death grip.

JoAnn swapped her damp cloth for a can of
Pledge
and a dust rag, with a hectic whistle that sounded like the theme songs to
Mayberry RFD
and
Psycho
were fornicating in JoAnn's mouth. A heavy fingered spray of the canister in her hand made the air around my sister eerily thick and lemony.

"Screw this!" Mom yelled, wiggling to get loose. "That's it! I'm getting in the fucking car and I'm heading for Miami. I'll show you sons-of-bitches just how immortal I am."

I would've made a boa constrictor proud with my grip.

JoAnn sprayed a stream of
Pledge
on the oak table beside our leather recliner. "Okay, now, y'all are startin' to sound like trailer park trash," she said, a bit too loud. The cloth ran the table as she mumbled softly, "I will not tolerate the F word from filthy mouth vampires! It's the blood. I swear, it turns Christians into sinners, and good people into women of the night."

"Really, Dorius?" Christopher was saying. "So tell
me
why I don't get to go this time?" He stood on the bench near my mother and fanned a hand up and down his body. "I may still have an immature body, but now I've got demon blood flowing through my veins. My new powers would be an ass—"

"We've been down this road too often, Christopher." Dorius definitely looked displeased with where the conversation was headed. I wanted to hear about these new powers, but Dorius was having none of it.

Christopher's forehead wrinkled, one corner of his mouth turned up, and he calmly said, "Maybe we could do some talking about that visa if we had time. Seems like nine, ten hours on a plane would be a good start, and then on the way back, we'd have another nine to review your expectations."

Dorius did not bat an eye. Just as calmly as Christopher put forth his proposition, Dorius said, "There is a time and place for everything,
my boy,
and now is not your time. There would be dangerous ramifications should you take it upon yourself to put our situation in
further
danger by moving forward on any additional contracts with
any
creature below. Now, you've taken up enough of our time. Shuffle your little Count Von Count tennis shoes over there." He pointed off screen. "I wish to address the issue the rest of your team has dropped on us."

"Dorius," Mom said, "he may look five." Mom pointed at Christopher, who hadn't budged, but was astutely studying Dorius's image on the laptop. "But you're the one acting like a spoiled brat. Your management skills suck bilge water. You're totally a . . ."

Susan, ask my brother what your team mission is. It may settle your family somewhat if you could just—"

Nip it!
I mentally pushed. Drizzling venom on my words, I said,
Your brother is an asshole and now you made me miss my mother's shining moment.