Cold as Ice (7 page)

‘Plenty of time yet for that, isn’t there?’ Tracy smiled at her. Danielle nodded, her eyes still focused on some distant dream.

‘Yeah. I suppose he’s young. I’d like to take him places when he’s older. I haven’t done much travelling. The last time I went on holiday was with Mum and Dad; that
was the time we began falling out. That’s when the rot set in. Gerald was jealous of the time Mum and I spent just talking; he always wanted to know what we were talking about – as if
we were keeping secrets from him – just bollocks really – paranoid, controlling. That holiday marked the beginning of the end for us. What about you?’

‘Oh – I always seem to be busy working and we haven’t really had the money in the last few years. Before that we went to Spain usually, Majorca sometimes.

‘What about work-wise? What about your career?’

‘I pootle along. I’ve always been in the beauty industry one way or another. I used to have my own beauty salon; saw several clients a day – always had my regulars for a wax,
for a facial. I like that, looking after people – but, well, it didn’t work out.’ Tracy finished off her sentence with a tight smile. Danielle didn’t ask why. Tracy went
back to pushing Jackson. ‘Do you get help from Jackson’s father financially?’

‘Ha! I wouldn’t take it. We’re better off without him.’

‘Still . . . it’s a lot to manage on your own.’

Danielle didn’t reply to this. She came over and lifted Jackson down from the swing. ‘We have to go now. I’m going to be late for my class otherwise. Jackson’s booked in
at the crèche there. He likes it. But I need to give him lunch first.’

‘Oh. Okay. Is it far to go?’

‘No, we’ll go home first. We live just over there.’ Danielle pointed to tower blocks on the edge of the park.

‘Oh . . . that’s handy. I live in Hornsey.’

‘Yes I know. I looked you up in the phone book. You can come and have a cup of tea with us, Tracy, if you want.’

‘Yes. I’d like that.’ Tracy smiled. ‘Maybe I could look after Jackson for you sometime if you’d like to go out?’ Danielle looked at Tracy. ‘I could do
your make-up for you. Style you. I’d like that.’ Danielle didn’t answer. She rolled her eyes and looked away. ‘I don’t mean you’re not a pretty girl,’
Tracy said hurriedly. ‘It’s just something I could do; it’s what I do every day. I make people up. I expect you don’t get out much? I bet you don’t have much chance to
find yourself a boyfriend.’

‘So the women you make up – they all look like Barbie dolls?’

‘No, no. Of course I wouldn’t make
you
look like that.’

‘Like you?’ Danielle smiled at Tracy but she meant to be hurtful.

‘No. As I said—’ Tracy’s tone turned frosty – ‘this look is not for everyone.’ Tracy stared at Danielle as she watched her strap Jackson back into his
buggy. She didn’t know her daughter well enough yet to know what to make of her swings between liking and loathing Tracy. She seemed to be still so young, so unforgiving. They would have an
uphill battle on their hands if Danielle was determined to harbour so many grudges.

‘Maybe not then. It was just a thought.’ Tracy said sighing.

Danielle glanced up at Tracy apologetically. ‘Sorry – I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired. I would appreciate it if you could babysit for me though, just once in a while. I
wouldn’t take the piss.’

‘Of course.’ Tracy recovered her composure. She was used to people talking about her looks when she was behind the counter – especially the young girls that came in. One of
them had said she looked like an ageing porn star. Tracy looked on it as her job to wear make-up. They could criticize it all they liked. ‘I’d love to babysit. You’ll have to show
me what to do. I’ve never had children.’

‘No. You gave yours away.’ Tracy just looked at Danielle; she didn’t know what to say. Danielle turned away. ‘Come on, Jackson. Let’s show Nanny where we
live.’

Tracy was too flustered to know what to reply.

‘What, now?’

She stayed where she was as Danielle started walking away.

‘Yes. You coming, Nanny?’ Danielle pushed Jackson towards the crossing at the traffic lights on Seven Sisters Road.

Tracy looked at her watch as she caught them up.

‘Just for ten minutes then. A quick cup of tea. That will be lovely.’

It was short walk to the block of flats with a parade of shabby shops with reinforced shutters on their windows that made them look shut when they weren’t. Tracy had never been inside a
tower block before. She’s been to high-rise hotels in Spain. This was nothing like that.

The lift was out of order, so Tracy helped Danielle with the buggy up the flights of stairs. Jackson got out and walked, holding Tracy’s hand.

‘I must be so unfit.’ Despite the cold Tracy felt herself beginning to perspire beneath her coat. ‘I need to get to the gym. I can’t remember the last time I did any
exercise. We used to go regularly, me and Steve. We couldn’t keep up with the membership in the end. Still, no excuse. Back to the gym for me. I’ll have to get fit if I’m going to
chase after Jackson. Hey, scallywag?’ Tracy smoothed Jackson’s hair to one side.

‘Here we are.’ Danielle ruffled his hair back into peaks.

Leaving the stairwell at the third floor they walked along the landing until they came to a pink door. Number 372. It would be easy for Tracy to remember. She was good with numbers. She could
always remember exactly how much stock was left of every product on the counter. She knew the serial numbers of each product. She knew the lipstick colours by their codes.

‘What’s happened here?’ she asked, looking at the dents in the metal plate that was put on to reinforce the door.

‘Someone tried to break in,’ Danielle said. Tracy opened her mouth to say something but then shut it and didn’t say anything. She waited while Danielle found her key and
unlocked locks top and bottom, then pushed the door back until it jammed on the wood laminate flooring. Jackson ran in, excited. Scruffy followed.

Danielle folded and rested the buggy against the wall in the hallway and walked through to the kitchen on the right.

‘What a lovely place. You’ve done a good job with the decoration,’ said Tracy. Danielle’s place looked like it had come out of a back issue of the Ikea catalogue.

‘Thanks. Tea or coffee?’

‘Tea will be fine.’

Tracy took off her coat and put it over the buggy – she couldn’t see where else she should put it – then she stood in the kitchen doorway. Jackson’s drawings were
everywhere. Danielle saw Tracy looking at them.

‘It’s hard to throw any of them away.’ She smiled, embarrassed but proud as well.

‘They’re lovely colours. Can you tell what they are?’

‘Of course!’

‘Can you really?’ Tracy peered at the pictures.

Danielle pointed to a long shape with four sticks coming from it. ‘Look, there’s Scruffy. That’s me, you can see by the hair,’ she added, pointing to a blob with brown on
top. Tracy peered in to get a closer look at the picture.

‘Oh yes, I see it now.’

‘I know.’ Danielle laughed. ‘It’s an acquired skill. He’s very good for his age actually. He’s able to go to an ordinary school . . . for now anyway. Does
anyone else in the family have Down’s syndrome?’

Tracy was taken aback. She shook her head. ‘I don’t think so.’

‘What family have I got anyway?’

Tracy couldn’t hide it as a look of panic took hold. She hadn’t thought of that – the implications of meeting up with her daughter and the fact that it affected more than just
her. What if Danielle made a nuisance of herself?

‘It’s all right – I don’t intend to contact people.’ Danielle turned away and finished making the tea. Tracy instantly regretted her reaction. It was as if Danielle
had read her mind.

‘No. I mean I am sure that, given time, everyone will want to meet you.’ She could see by Danielle’s demeanour that she was brittle and trying not to show how much
Tracy’s negative reactions mattered as she poured away a little of the hot tea from each cup and topped up with cold water. Tracy watched her, mesmerized. She wanted to say: ‘I always
do that. I always top up the tea with cold.’

‘Um – you have an aunt. My sister Julie and her husband Nigel. They live in Manchester. They have three children all older than you. They have five kids between them. So Jackson has
a few cousins.’ Tracy smiled broadly, trying to make things better.

‘My first cousins. They are his second cousins,’ Danielle corrected.

‘Yes.’ Tracy stood corrected.

‘Do they look like me?’

Tracy thought about it and shrugged ‘Maybe . . . I’m not sure. Oh, I forgot.’ She went out to her bag by her coat and came back into the kitchen with an envelope. ‘I
brought you a photo of me to show you.’

She took out a small handful of different-sized photos and came to stand next to Danielle. With the photos was a small box.

‘Before I show you the photos I want to give you this.’ She opened the box to show Danielle. ‘This is for you. I got it when I was ten.’ She took out a silver charm
bracelet from the box. ‘I added to it every year. I would like you to have it.’ She held it out for Danielle to take it. ‘Charm bracelets have come back in, haven’t they?
Each one of those charms means something to me.’ Danielle held the tiny charms between finger and thumb as she examined each one. ‘That London bus I got when I passed my driving licence
so I wouldn’t need to take a bus again – that’s when I was seventeen. The ballet shoe I got when I passed my exams at eleven. This Mickey Mouse my parents got me when I was
twelve. Oh, my whole life is here.’ She smiled, delighted to see Danielle’s reaction. ‘You are here too. I bought this silver heart when I became pregnant with you.’
Danielle couldn’t look at Tracy. ‘I don’t have much else to pass on to you.’

‘Tracy. I’m so . . . well, I’m touched. Thank you. I’ll wear it now.’ Danielle put it round her wrist. Tracy did it up for her.

‘Don’t lose it, mind.’ Tracy smiled. She wanted to kiss Danielle’s cheek but she didn’t. Instead she passed her the first photo. ‘I’ve just got a few I
thought you might like to see. I don’t want to bore you. This was the year I fell pregnant with you.’

Danielle held the photo closely. ‘Oh my God – you were a child.’

‘Yes – I suppose I was.’

‘You look so young.’ She looked at the photo of Tracy in her school uniform.

‘I was fifteen – I guess that’s young. I didn’t feel it at the time.’ Danielle didn’t look at Tracy and she took out the next photo. ‘Here’s a
photo of me and my parents, your grandparents and there’s Julie.’

Danielle laughed. ‘You can see you’re the rebel. Look at Julie. Her socks are pulled up, her skirt is under her knee and look at you!’

Tracy laughed too. ‘I was always in trouble for hitching my skirt up, rolling it up at the waist. Those were the days.’

‘You’re not old, Tracy. You could still wear a miniskirt if you wanted.’

‘I suppose not but I could do with getting back into shape.’ She passed another photo over. It was of a school football team. ‘Which one do you think he is?’ Tracy beamed
as she watched Danielle’s face light up.

‘What do you mean? Is my dad in this photo?’

Tracy nodded; she could hear the excitement in Danielle’s voice as she held it close.

‘Him.’

She pointed to a boy on the left of centre. Tracy nodded again. ‘That’s who you look like, isn’t it?’

She could see Danielle’s eyes welling up. Danielle turned away and wiped her eyes with her sleeve as she took a sip of her tea.

‘Where is he now?’

Tracy shook her head. ‘I haven’t seen him since I was about your age. He married someone and they moved away. You could probably find him as well if you wanted.’

Danielle thought about it.

‘Maybe. But I think you’re enough for now.’

She stared blankly at Tracy, who was frowning and obviously trying to understand what she meant by that; Danielle grinned. Tracy laughed then smiled.

‘It’s funny how you remind me of him. It’s the way you smile.’ She picked up the football team photo and her eyes focused in and melted as her mind spiralled back to that
summer of love.

‘So I ruined your life.’ Danielle watched Tracy.

Tracy looked up from her memories and shook her head. ‘No. You could have been the making of me. Of him, maybe. I should have kept you. I should have followed my heart. I nursed you for a
few days before I gave you up. I was so tired and there was so much pressure, but when you’d gone, my whole body yearned for you. I couldn’t hear a baby cry in the street without my
milk rushing into my breasts. I couldn’t pass a little girl in the street without wondering if it was you. On your birthday, March the twenty-seventh, I always have a little cry. So many
regrets, Danielle. Now, to find out that my sacrifice wasn’t worth it, that the couple who I gave you to didn’t deserve you – it breaks my heart.’ Tracy turned away as she
felt herself crumble. ‘Oh God,’ she said, ‘how pathetic I am. Sorry I didn’t mean to get upset.’

Danielle shook her head. ‘It’s all right, Tracy. You did what you thought was best, what others thought was best for you.’

Tracy dabbed at her eyes and the tissue was streaked with make-up. ‘What was it really like, living with them – the Fosters?’

‘The early years were wonderful. It was when I hit adolescence that everything went wrong. Gerald, especially, just couldn’t have found it more difficult. I think he hadn’t
thought it through. He wanted me to be a child for ever. He never bought into the whole teenage girl thing.’

Tracy shook her head, still trying to stop her makeup from melting. ‘What do you mean?’

‘He got nasty with me. He just couldn’t hack the hormones. I was moody, difficult – typical teenage girl, I suppose. I think my self-esteem hit rock bottom. I rebelled against
everything and anything. I thought I was being clever but looking back – it was stupid. I started missing school, hung about with the wrong types. Before long I had gone too far to recover. I
had thought that I would still be able to pass my exams even though I didn’t work. People had always told me how bright I was. But I didn’t go to the lessons and I failed. I started
taking stuff. I met Jackson’s father that way. I thought he was really cool, but he was a real loser. He sold drugs to kids. He hit me when he felt in a bad mood, plus he was never faithful.
My mum got ill and my dad wouldn’t let me help. I was so angry and I hated him. He tried to keep me away from her. When I got pregnant at seventeen it was the perfect excuse to chuck me
out.’