Collateral Damage (25 page)

Seeing how much pain she was in had changed things though. Honor tended to get headaches whenever she was stressed and he felt bad about adding more of it. The fact that she’d taken medication for it told him it was a really bad one, even before he’d seen her eyes up close.

He’d wanted to help her. But when he’d gotten up with the intention of going over to rub the muscles at the back of her neck, which usually helped when she got a headache this bad, her almost frightened reaction to his approach had been like a kick to the gut. He knew he’d hurt her, but her clear distress of having him close had cut him deeply.

Soft footfalls on the carpeted stairs drew his attention. Honor came into view wearing sweatpants and a long sleep shirt. The casual clothes did nothing to hide the sexy shape of her body and even without a drop of makeup on she was still beautiful to him. There was a tiny frown between her eyebrows and her mouth was tight.

“Still there?” he asked, staying where he was this time.

She nodded. “Yeah. Better though.” She crossed to the edge of the family room and paused there, wrapping her arms around herself, her expression neutral.

He wanted to get past the wall she’d erected in the worst way. He was the reason she’d put it up in the first place. Hell, he’d practically slapped mortar between the bricks. “Come lie down,” he said, gesturing to the couch as he rose and sat on the edge of the coffee table. Giving her space, but not too much of it.

Still watching him warily, she crossed to the couch and sank down on it with a sigh.

“How’s your shoulder doing these days?” he asked, wanting to ease the fine lines of pain and fatigue on her face. His fingers itched to touch her, stroke across the softness of her cheek.

“All healed up.” She shifted, tried to cover a wince.

“Been getting a lot of these lately?”

“A few. Lots of stuff going on at work.” Meeting his gaze, she let out a breath. “So let’s have it. What do you want to talk to me about?”

Like she didn’t know. “Us.”

She snorted softly. “There
is
no us. You made that perfectly clear at Bagram.”

He inclined his head, not about to argue because she was right. “I was looking for closure.”

“And what, you didn’t get it?”

“No.”

Her expression remained closed. “Sure seemed like you did to me.”

He shook his head. “I’ll admit I gave it my best shot, but it didn’t work.”

She studied him for a long moment, still not giving anything away. It made him twitchy. “So what, you’ve suddenly decided you want me back again?” Her voice dripped with derision.

“Not suddenly, no. Starting after the base attack I’ve been thinking about us a lot, what you said about you and your family. Then we got together that night and I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since.”

She arched a brow, her eyes cold. “The sex was just too good?”

He resisted the urge to drag a hand through his hair. “No. I mean, yeah, of course it was good, but that’s not—”

“Because that’s not happening again.”

He held up a hand in self-defense. God, he was fucking this whole thing up. “I didn’t expect it to, and that’s not why I’m here.”

She shifted, kept staring at him with that eerily blank expression. He hated that she’d shut herself off from him so completely, but he understood why she was doing it.

Liam blew out a breath. “Look, I went to see one of our wounded at the hospital the morning you left.” He swallowed, thinking of Blinksi. “It was bad.”

Now she frowned in concern. “Is he going to make it?”

He nodded slowly. “Physically he’ll live, but I don’t know if the rest of him will.”

When she kept watching him without saying anything further he rubbed his palms over his thighs and continued. “As soon as I walked out of that room, it hit me hard how short life really is. I was mad and hurt about everything that happened between us before and I swore I’d never let you in again. But that morning I realized… I’d never really let you go in the first place,” he finished in a rough voice.

Honor stared at him, her expression going from surprised to skeptical. “What the hell, Liam? So you’re saying the last two years have been nothing but a big power trip on your part, to punish me? I apologize, lay myself bare in person even though I knew you might reject me anyway, and it didn’t do a damn bit of good.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I was a fucking idiot to not realize what I was doing. I wasted so much time we could have been together and I can’t make up for that. All I can do is try to make it work now.” It sounded lame, even to him, but he meant it. He’d lost her once. He wasn’t letting it happen a second time.

Muttering a curse she broke eye contact and sat up, wincing at the movement.

Liam shifted to the couch and sat next to her, ignoring the way she stiffened. He didn’t want this to escalate into another big fight. “Put your head back and let me help,” he told her.

She shot him a hard look. “I’m fine.”

“You’re not.”

She stared at him for a moment. “If you decided all that while you were over there, then why did you wait so long to contact me? And two measly e-mails, Liam? Really?”

“They’ve been running us ragged over there.” Relief slid through him when her expression softened a tiny bit. “We’ve been out constantly at different bases and command’s getting close to finding the guy behind the base attack.” Safir, the guy’s name was. Liam still wasn’t sure why they’d yanked them out of Bagram and sent them back here at such a critical time. “This training exercise gave me the perfect opportunity to come see you and apologize in person.”

“Even if I forgave you for what you did—and I’m not saying I do—why should I trust you after the way you treated me? What’s to say you wouldn’t do the same damn thing again if I screwed up at some point down the road?”

“I wouldn’t. Not ever again, I swear. God, I’ve missed you so damn much you don’t even…” He sucked in a steadying breath. “I still love you, Honor. I want you back.” When her gaze darted away and he saw the way her shoulders stiffened, he held up his hand again. “Don’t say anything about it right now. Just think about what I said. Don’t kick me out of your life again.”
It would break me.
He didn’t dare say that aloud. He’d bared himself to an appalling extent already and even though he knew it was necessary, he was squirming inside.

Her only answer was a slight dip of her chin, a tiny nod of consent.

And just like that his ribcage seemed to expand, allowing him his first full breath since he’d arrived here tonight. “So will you let me rub your neck now?”

Eyeing him warily for a long moment, obviously suspicious of his motives, she relented and put her head back. Thankfully she didn’t move away when he slid his hand beneath the nape of her neck. Her skin was hot, the muscles at the back of her neck corded as he began to squeeze and knead them with his fingers.

Despite her initial resistance Honor closed her eyes and groaned in relief. He kept the pressure gentle for the first few minutes, increasing it only when he felt her soften and relax. She smelled good, like raspberries. From the base of her skull to the tops of her shoulders he worked the muscles. An easy silence gradually settled between them. He massaged her neck for the better part of fifteen minutes until she sighed and all but melted back against the cushions.

He gave her nape one last gentle squeeze. “Better?”

“Much,” she answered without opening her eyes. “Thank you.”

“Welcome.” Withdrawing his hand, he sat up but didn’t shift away from her. When she opened her eyes to look at him, hope bubbled up inside him at the fleeting, soft look she gave him. Then her expression turned serious and he knew what was coming.

“So what do you want, exactly?”

“Another shot with you.”

She gave a tiny shake of her head, eyes widening. “Nothing’s changed on my end. My family’s crazy, but they’re still my family. I might not have any contact with them right now, but that could change if I decide to see them at some point down the road. I’m not ruling that out for anyone.”

“I get that, and I respect that.” When she seemed surprised, he continued. “The issue I had before was that you wanted to hide us—me—from them and everyone else.”

“Trust me, the cat’s long since out of the bag on that front,” she said in a dry voice. “They’re well aware of where I stand on the issue of them versus you and anyone else in my personal life. But that doesn’t mean I’m willing to forgive you and jump back into a relationship. You had plenty of opportunity to give me another chance before, and didn’t. So you’ll have to excuse me for not believing this time’s any different.”

“I understand why you’d think that, but I guarantee this time
is
different.” He wouldn’t make the same mistakes he had in the past. Honor was everything he wanted in a woman and he should have fought harder for her the first time. He’d let pride dictate his actions and they’d both paid the price. Never again.

She regarded him a moment then pushed out a hard breath. “What do you want from me, then?”

“I want
you
, Honor,” he said simply. “I thought I was over you, tried like hell to believe it. But the truth is I’m
never
gonna get over you. It just took me a long time to figure it out and admit it to myself. Too long, and for that I’m so sorry.” His heart drummed a hard rhythm against his ribs. He felt more exposed than if he’d been standing stark naked in front of her as he awaited her reply.

She looked away, shaking her head. “Liam…”

“Don’t answer right now,” he rushed out. “Just think about it, okay? All I want is for you to think about giving us another chance.” He paused a moment, gathering his courage. This wasn’t easy but it had to be done. “I know I hurt you when you felt forced to choose between your family and me. And again when I wouldn’t accept your apology and ignored you for so long. My reasons were stupid, I know that now, so there’s no excuse and I won’t even try to defend my actions.”

Surprise flashed across her face, then she nodded once. “Thank you.”

He nodded back. “I know we’ve both made mistakes and done some pretty hurtful things in the past, but if you think about it, it was all external stuff that we allowed to break us up. You and I together was never the problem. We were great together and I don’t want to live without you anymore. I just hope you still care about me enough to let me back in.” Dammit, he wanted to touch her so badly. “I swear I won’t ever hurt you again.” He just needed her to give him time to prove it.

Her gaze shifted to his once more, and he read the indecision there. Indecision wasn’t a flat out no, so he took heart and seized the opening it gave him. “Let me take you on a date on Saturday.”

One strawberry-blond eyebrow shot up. “A date,” she said, sounding skeptical.

He nodded. “Saturday.”

She still looked hesitant. “I don’t know if that’s—”

“No sex,” he added quickly.

She gave him a bland look.

“I’m serious. Just an honest-to-God date. Let me take you out so we can spend some time together. Get reacquainted with each other, remember what it was we liked so much about each other in the first place.”
So I can make you fall in love with me again.
He was pretty sure he could do it, because he knew she still had strong, deep feelings for him. It would take a lot more than one date, but he was willing to put in whatever effort was required.

She hesitated an agonizing half-minute before answering. “I’ll think about it.”

Again, it wasn’t a no, so he’d take it. “Okay.” Though he’d love to stay, just to be near her, be able to look at her and spend time together, he didn’t want to push his luck. He pushed to his feet instead. “Need anything else before I go?”

“No, I’m good.”

Yeah, she definitely wanted some space. He might not like it, but he understood and respected her need. And he’d do or say whatever the hell it took to get her to let him back in. “Okay. I’ll call you.”

“I’ll call
you
,” she corrected him and he bit back a smile at the edge in her voice. Damn, she was pretty with her cheeks flushed and her eyes glittering at him like that.

“You’ll call me,” he amended. “Sleep well, sweet pea.”

Her entire face softened at the use of the endearment. He hadn’t meant to say it, it had just slipped out. Her eyes filled with sadness. “You too.”

He let himself out and walked to his truck. Settling behind the wheel, he watched as the downstairs lights turned off one by one, then her bedroom light came on a few seconds later. She’d tuck herself into bed now and read until she got tired enough to sleep.

God, he’d have given anything to be able to slide in next to her. Not for anything sexual, but simply to gather her close and feel her up against him. Listen to the sound of her breathing and inhale her scent.

If she let him do that again someday, he’d be the luckiest sonofabitch to walk the planet.

Liam started the ignition and put the truck into gear, telling himself this was a necessary tactical retreat. He hadn’t won the battle, but he hadn’t lost it either, he could tell by the way she was taking the time to consider his request. That in itself was huge.

This was the most important campaign he’d ever waged in his life and failure wasn’t an option. He would do whatever the hell it took to win her back.

Honor hadn’t been this nervous about a date since her first one with Liam when he’d surprised her in Kandahar. From the first time they’d met she’d known on a gut-deep level that they’d be amazing together. Today she was going to find out if it was still there.

You know it’s still there, that’s what you’re afraid of.

It was very unlike her but she changed outfits three times, finally deciding on a simple turquoise summer dress with cap sleeves. The hem came to just below her knees, allowing her to wear flats rather than heels, and it made her feel sexy and feminine. She finished doing her hair and put on some lip gloss before going into the kitchen to wait. Liam had insisted on picking her up. He was old fashioned about things like that.