Color Her Red (26 page)

“I have-” I tried to speak but he cut me off.  His body was freed from whatever held him still and he ran across the room with tears in his eyes.  H
e wrapped his arms around my body, holding me close to him. 

“No, no, Baby, you don’t have to do anything.”  His chest moved sporadically against mine as we both tried to calm our breathing. 

“Please, don’t leave me,” he begged me, kissing me passionately.  His hand moved to the back of my head, his fingers in my hair, holding my lips pressed to his.  I felt his hot tears on my lips and it was my undoing.  I collapsed into his chest, releasing heavy cries.

“Everything will get better; just don’t leave
.”  He kissed my hair and rubbed my back. 

Here he was again comforting me while
I caused him nothing but sadness.  I hated myself for hurting him.  I was so selfish.  He deserved better.  Although I stayed, I still knew I needed to leave.  I couldn’t protect our baby, but I could still protect him.  It was only a matter of time before he would be more willing to let me go.  The days were filled with meetings, counseling and therapy; they did nothing but take up the time. 

MY ACHING BODY LIFTS OFF the cold hard floor.  Tears cloud my eyes as I try to catch my breath.  I’ve been crying in my sleep.  I don’t know why; there are plenty of possibilities.  There’s a pounding ache in my temples as I try to steady my trembling legs by resting my body against the sink.  I subconsciously turn on the hot water and wait for it to warm while I calm my breathing.  After what seems like an eternity, I splash the water on my face.  My eyes are sore; they feel so raw that the slightest touch pains me.  I debate on a shower but then I decide I should seek comfort in my bed. 

The sheets are cold and flat, yet another reminder of my loneliness.  It’s a solitude that I chose and fought for, but at this very moment I don’t want it.  In this instant I realize why I was
crying.  I want to be selfish.  I want him to hold me and love me, even though I know I can only cause him pain.  I shake my head against the pillow as the tears start to roll yet again down my cheeks.  I want to but I can’t; I have to protect him.