Colors of Love (18 page)

“And you.”

“You never hit me.” Seth didn’t think Luke heard him.

“The social worker called it the cycle of abuse.”

“Social worker?”

“The one who took me and my mom to a safe house. She told me I was a victim of the cycle. I’d been abused, learned the behavior and then grown up to become the abuser myself. She said there was…” His voice cracked. “No saving me.”

Had the social worker in question been standing there now, Seth would have throttled her himself. Shown her, one on one, what violence was really about. “You didn’t abuse anyone. You protected your mother. And yourself.”

“I attacked you.”

“You didn’t.”

Luke held up his wrapped fists. “Then what the fuck do you call this?”

“A moment of weakness and frustration. A means of expressing yourself, getting rid of your anger.”

“I fucking attacked you, Seth.”

“No. You hit the carpet. At no time did I ever feel threatened by you. Ever.”

“I crouched above you, slamming my fists wherever I could.”

“You deliberately missed me with every punch you threw. Refused to let yourself touch me. You may have slammed your fists into something, but it wasn’t me. Because you are not your father. You do not hurt the people you love. No matter what the social worker told you.”

“I wanted to hurt you.”

“I wanted to hurt you too. Only I didn’t hold back. I shoved you and I yelled at you and I pushed you to the edge.”

“I threw you to the floor. I used my kung fu skills to take you down.”

“You may have taken me down, but it was not an attack. Not on me.”

“I love you, Seth. God help me, I know I shouldn’t, but I do.”

“You should love me. It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for the last eight years.”

“And this is what I’ve been trying to hide from you for eight years. My anger, my violence. My propensity to hurt the people I love.”

“You’re not violent. You hurt the people—the person—who hurt someone you love.”

“I love you, Seth. The last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you.”

“The only way you can hurt me is by turning your back on me. That’ll hurt, Luke. That’ll hurt more than your fists ever could.”

Luke gave a hollow laugh. “What if I lash out again? What if I can’t control myself next time? And don’t kid yourself that everything will be fine. There will be a next time.”

“I don’t think you controlled yourself this time. I think you just moved on instinct, and your instinct is to do no harm.”

“Open your eyes.” Luke pursed his lips and grimaced. “I didn’t just harm my father. I deliberately attacked him. I planned the attack
—
for years.”

“Because you went against your instinct. After all he’d done to you and your mother, you’d had enough. You had to stop it. And you did.”

“I don’t trust myself with you.”

“I trust you with my life.”

Luke dropped his head into his hands, seemingly unaware of the wet cloths wrapped around them. “You are my life,” he whispered hoarsely.

“Then stop pushing me away.”

He looked at Seth. “I don’t want to push you away. Deep down, I never have. I want you by my side always. But there’s this part of me that needs to protect you, and as far as I’m concerned, the person you need protection from the most is me.”

Seth shook his head fiercely. “I don’t need protection from you. You haven’t hurt me yet, and you won’t hurt me in the future. Two things will ensure that. Firstly, you’re not violent at heart. It’s not in your nature. And secondly, you’re too well trained to ever lose control that way. Too disciplined by your kung fu to ever strike out with the intention to harm—unless someone you care about is in danger.”

Seth was under no false illusion as to how important Luke’s kung fu was to him. He’d watched him train. Seen how many hours he spent each day honing his art.

“I joined the school to learn how to fight, Seth. To learn how to defend myself. I joined so that one day, when I’d learned enough, I’d be able to protect myself and my mother from my father.”

“See? That just reinforces my point. It’s not in your nature to attack instinctively. You had to
learn
the art. And along with learning the art of fighting, you learned the art of control. And that you never let go of, not even in the heat of the moment.”

Seth took a deep breath, and then tried to put in words what he knew in his heart. “Lucas, stand back for just a moment and look at yourself. Look at who you were and who you are now. Look at what you’ve done and what you’ve achieved, and tell me if you’re leading the life of a man who damages what he loves.”

Luke breathed softly. “I don’t damage what I love because I keep it at a distance.”

“You love Zachary. He’s your best friend. You’ve never kept him at a distance and you’ve never hurt him. What about your mother?”

Luke eyed him warily. “What about her?”

“Do you love her?”

“Of course.” He sighed. “But it’s a complicated relationship. That love’s mixed up with so many other emotions. Pity, anger, frustration, guilt, shame.”

“Whatever emotion you feel for her, have you ever hurt her?”

“Christ, no.”

“What about Nath and the rest of
Speed
? You love them all. You’ve put your heart, your life into the band. And you’ve never once hurt any of them. Quite the opposite. If anyone has a problem, they come to you. You sort it out. Because that’s what you do. You help the people you love.”

“It’s my job to help the band.”

“But that’s not why you do it. That’s not why you sent Nath back to Sydney to find Sophie, for example. You sent him back ’cause Nathan was hurting, and you couldn’t bear to see him in so much pain.”

“I sent him back because he fucked up the concert and put
Speed
’s professional reputation in jeopardy.”

“So caring for him and ensuring his happiness had nothing to do with it?”

“Maybe.” Luke shrugged.

Seth saw straight through his studied nonchalance. Luke’s affection for Nathan had everything to do with it. “Damn it, Lucas, you’re looking at this all wrong. You’ve convinced yourself that love makes you weak. That when you love someone, you hurt them. But you don’t. You only hurt them when you don’t let yourself love them.”

Luke looked at him, despair in his eyes.

“Love makes you strong, Lucas. Love’s made me strong.”

Luke flashed him a shadow of a smile. “Love’s made you into a dreamer.”

“I only lose myself in the dreams that are worth dreaming. And you’re my biggest dream of all.”

“I can’t dream those dreams with you, Seth,” he said despondently. “As much as I want to, I don’t know how.”

“I don’t want you to dream the dreams. That’s my job. Your job is making my dreams a reality.”

“And how exactly do you propose I do that?”

“It’s easy. To start with, all you need to do is love me.”

“I do. I love you so damn much I ache from it.”

“Then we’re already halfway there.”

“You make it sound so easy.” Luke shook his head. “But what about the other half?”

“The other half we have to work at. We have to commit to being together, to making ‘us’ work. We have to give it everything, the two of us. Together. Which means just the two of us. No more third parties. Just you and me.”

“I want that, Seth. So damn much I can almost taste it.”

“Then we can have it, Luke.”

“What if next time I lash out, I hit you?”

“What if just for now, you put as much faith as I have in you, in us? I trust you, Luke. I know you won’t hurt me. Now trust yourself.”

“You’d take that risk? You’d put yourself in that kind of danger just to be with me?”

“The only danger is a life without you. And that I never, ever want to face.”

“I love you, Seth.”

“Then prove it. Let go of your past and your fears and be with me. Only me.”

Luke nodded. Slowly. “Help me?”

“Always, Lucas. Now, forever and always.”

And then Seth kissed him.

Chapter Eleven

“You sure you have everything? Your suitcase? Your ticket? Your passport?”

“Seth, stop worrying. I have everything I need, and I don’t need a passport to get back to Sydney.”

“You sure you wanna leave? You don’t wanna stay on, tour Australia with the band?”

Kaz smiled patiently. “I’m absolutely sure. This is your life. Not mine. I loved sharing it for a while, but it’s time to go home now.”

They stood outside the lobby of the hotel, surrounded by a loose circle of massive bodyguards who stood a short distance away, ensuring their privacy.

“Damn it, sweet pea.” Seth pulled her into his arms. “I know you’re itching to get started with your life, but I’m going to miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too.” She hugged him tight. Seth was right, she was itching to start her new job—as co-owner of the brand-new Sydney branch of
The Little Shop of Treasures
. A branch where she not only intended to sell crystals and books and offer alternative therapies, she planned to offer herself for reading auras. Because the bottom line was, she was damn good at it. And her ability to read colors could help people. It had helped Luke and Seth find their way to each other, and it had helped her find what she’d been looking for. A job she eagerly anticipated, and more importantly, direction in her life.

“Shift over, Seth. Give someone else a chance to say goodbye.”

Seth released her—reluctantly, she guessed by the length of time it took him to let her go—and she turned to Luke.

She gasped. “Well, will you look at that.”

“Look at what?” Luke asked.

“Your aura.”

“Did it vanish?”

“No, you big idiot.” She let her gaze wander around his halo of color. “It’s beautiful. Really beautiful.”

“Don’t tell me. It’s filled with sparkly silvers and golds that glitter in the sunlight.”

Kaz shook her head with a smile. Even when he teased her—and he teased her a lot about her ability to read auras—he was utterly charming. “It’s filled with maroon, a color I haven’t seen in you before. And the charcoal grey that used to lie here?” She waved her hand around his head, down over his chest and close to his legs. “It’s all gone.”

“What does that mean?” It was Seth who asked.

“It means Luke’s found a new direction in life. One that empowers him. Makes him happy. It means that the dark cloud of gloom that hung over him for so long is gone. It means he’s finally stopped fighting the inevitable and accepted the path his life was meant to take.”

“Nah,” Seth disagreed. “I think it just means he’s still on a high from the blowjob I gave him in the shower.”

Kaz laughed out loud. “You’re incorrigible.”

“I am. Now say goodbye to Lucas, so I can give you something.”

Kaz stepped into Luke’s arms for the last time, careful not to touch his bruised hands. There was nothing sexual in his embrace, there was just an enormous amount of gratitude and affection, and Kaz hugged him just as tight as he hugged her. “You know,” he said into her ear, “it’s not every day you meet someone who has the power, or the balls, to change your world.”

“Are you suggesting I have balls, Mr. Struthers?”

“I know for a fact you don’t. No, I’m saying you changed my world. And for that I will be forever grateful.”

“Hey, you changed my world too. Without you and Seth, I’d never have found what I was looking for. So believe me, mate, I am just as grateful.”

“You know if you ever get bored selling colored rocks to strangers you can always come join us on tour? Be with people who love you?”

“And you know if you ever accidentally step off your new path and lose your way, I can always help you find it again?”

“I know you can.” He kissed her forehead. “And I’ll hold you to it. If I ever need to.”

“Just love him, Luke. Love him with everything you have, and I promise you won’t need my help again.”

“I do, sweet pea. And I will. I’ll love him with everything I have.”

Luke released her with a smile.

Bernie packed Kaz’s belongings into the boot of a sleek black Mercedes that idled beside them and held the door open for her.

She thanked him and climbed inside but stopped Bernie before he could close the door. “You have something to give me?” she asked Seth.

He nodded and crouched down beside her. “When I was little, my grandmother used to sing me a song. She sang it often, like a lullaby.” He reached into his back pocket and withdrew an envelope. “I never understood it back then. I never understood it as an adult, either. It’s only since you stepped into my life that it finally makes sense.” Seth opened the envelope and took out two sheets of paper. “Would you believe me if I told you the song was about you?”

Kaz laughed. “No. Your grandmother doesn’t even know me.”

“That’s what makes this song so amazing. She never met you, and yet she knew all about you.” The way he said it told Kaz his grandmother was no longer alive.