Colour Series Box Set (40 page)

Lauri lets him go when she knows he is dead and limp body slumps down onto the ground with a heavy thud. She walks back to me, her clothes and face are spattered with blood and she never looked so sexy in all the time I have known her. She doesn’t wipe it off just comes to stand right in front of me. She looks into my eyes and they are dancing with something new. Something I recognize because it’s a feeling I know all too well. “Now I know what I was born to do Rowan. Thank you.” It comes out a whisper before she kisses me hard against the car. Holy fucking shit. I love my wife. That’s the only words I can actually form as I clean up the scene and remove all signs of us being here. We leave his body there, no one will find him in a hurry and when they do they won’t care a shit anyway. Lauri waits in the car, still covered in blood and dirt, she stares out the window at the stars that cannot be seen this clearly in the city and I know that some things will never be the same but I also know that she was born to do this just as much as I was. We had sex like we never have before, in my car with a dead body outside and it was un-fuckingbelievable. It was like she was giving me all of her at long last. Her body was free and it moved and moulded to mine like never before.

I drove us home and Lauri fell asleep in the seat beside me.

Now, I don’t know what’s going on with her, she shut down a little after her kill but asked me that if I had to kill a rapist or anyone that had abused a woman that I allow her to help me with the job. My wife wants to be my partner in all things. She really does love all of me and I love all of her, even this crazy pregnant monster that is in her place. I just worry about her pulling away from me. I can’t put a word to it exactly but she is slipping away a little every day and I do believe she’s doing it on purpose; as if she wants me to be ready to live without her. I will not, I can’t, I know what love is now and I know I need it just the same as I need the bad things that make me, well me. I need my murderous wife more than I need air to breathe.

BY NOW YOU
know I’m a monster. Here is what you don’t know yet is that I loved it, every fucking second of it. There is nothing like the feeling of power it gave me. After eight years of being stripped of any power, of any control and I finally had ultimate control over this one thing. He may not know it but Rowan set me free that night in the Hex River, between the trees and under the clearest sky ever, I found myself, all of me and when I was done I gave it to him. I made mad passionate, completely free love to my husband in his car next to the man I murdered minutes before. I’ve never felt that way before; my body was completely in synch with his, our monsters lined up perfectly. He made me come so hard that my body couldn’t recover I fell asleep in the car next to him.

I went to Robin the very next day and had him ink a number one into my blank heart, that window into my soul would be covered by the sins I have paid for in advance. He wasn’t happy. Firstly, it’s like a cardinal sin to tattoo a pregnant lady and he knew exactly what that one meant. He kept his anger silent but I could read it on his face and in the way he moved. He was strained and uncomfortable. It was something I needed to do and I think he somehow understood that need deep down. “I know
who
you are Lauri.” Was all he said to me, like it was alright that this is what I had decided to do. I was meant for this, my father had been so wrong to keep me away.

I’ve also found out that we are having a baby girl; I didn’t tell Rowan I want him to choose to know the sex of the baby. There’s been a letter from Renzo every week since then. The same note on the same paper every single time. I take them to Robin to keep he is still the only one who knows. After Callum cut all contact with us all, Rowan went a little security crazy so I feel safe for now, but the feeling that things are afoot that I can’t control grows every single day. When the hairs stand on end and your skin prickles with the fear of what might happen. I feel myself becoming irrational and unstable yet I can’t control it no matter how hard I try. I know it’s the hormones combined with all the other variables in my life that are pushing me over the edge. I feel this intense need to retreat into my own mind and hide there. I’ve been here before, I lived here for a long time, and it’s not a pretty place. I just cannot snap out of it no matter how I try.

My nightmares are also out of control and I wake screaming most nights after dreams of my baby being brutally pulled from my body and left on the floor next my dead body. I know it’s my past playing tricks on my brain but I cannot make it stop. Rowan’s worried about me, I can tell because he is working less and hovering like fly on shit and that is making things worse. I want to kill someone alright, and right now it is my amazing husband.

I tried to talk to Amya, but with Callum going home and their father dying she has enough on her plate without my helping of crazy to add to it. She has been going all out with baby shopping and nursery make-overing in Rowan’s old room. I can’t get into the right head space to do all of that so I’m grateful that she is feeling this excited about it. I’m beginning to feel like as much as I wanted this baby, as much as I want to be a mother I am not going to get the chance and if I do I would be terrible at it.

Rowan and I have asked Amya and Robin to be the baby’s godparents and they were over the moon happy to be asked to be such a special presence in our child’s life. They really are family to Rowan and I. The only ones we have left.

I have a doctor’s appointment today and Rowan is home to come with me, I know he’s already up and waiting for me I’m dragging my ass to do anything this morning. I am secretly worried that he will be disappointed that it’s a little girl. I know we will love her no matter what but I know that every man wants a boy, that heir to their name - it’s a big deal to them. I know I was bitterly disappointed for days after I found out and had to work hard to hide that from him too. I’ve accepted that I can’t change it and that my baby girl will be a strong independent amazing little person but I worry that Rowan will want to shield her from all the bad and I don’t want her to be vulnerable. I don’t want her to be weak. I don’t want her to be me; I want her to be just like her dad.

I pull my hair up into a messy bun and drag my now fatter ass out of the room and into the kitchen to make us breakfast, I still won’t eat Rowan’s cooking, he has many talents cooking is not one of them. He’s on the patio with coffee when I come through and start making some scrambled eggs and smoked salmon for him and one with fresh tomato and basil for me. I’m all but vegan since I fell pregnant. My baby hates meat, fish, chicken anything that was once alive. I call bullshit on morning sickness, I still feel sick and it is all day and night.

I take our plates outside and kiss my husband good morning, something I’ll never get tired of doing no matter how crazy I feel. “Morning.” He smiles at me, this is our favourite time of day. Breakfast has become somewhat sacred in our home and we don’t let the world in until we are done. My mouth tingles from his kiss and I want more of him. Breakfast is quiet and strained, there’re secrets between us, they’re killing us both.

We drive to my appointment in uncomfortable silence; I love that about us that we don’t need to be talking all the time. We’re both comfortable in silence and Rowan can say more with those blue eyes than he ever could with words. Today the silence is cold and I know Rowan’s angry at me over my erratic behaviour. I’m more worried that I’ll see disappointment in those blue eyes when he knows this is a girl. I dread these appointments, I feel like leaving the house is a risk even if I’m with Rowan when I do. I’ve become a bit of a recluse since the letters started coming. I rarely leave the house and only leave the estate to go to Robin and Amya’s house. I have neglected the café which angers me that Renzo has again managed to rob me of my dreams. Fuck him, I hate him. I wish to God I could just kill him now and be over with it. I’ve learned a new lesson in my time free of him, no one should pay for another person sins. I think we all pay for own sins. Renzo will have to pay for his one day, I paid for mine in advance and I don’t feel guilty for the things I do now. I know this baby will not pay for mine, Rowan’s or my father’s sins but only ever her own. Rowan will teach her to be strong and how to deal with our life.

The doctor’s rooms are busy, filled with expectant mothers, nervous fathers and a whole lot of hormones. I sit in the corner next to Rowan who grabs my sweaty hand. He’s well aware that I have an irrational fear that the doctor will hurt or steal my baby and he tries to be at every appointment if he is not here then Amya holds my hand. I chase the panic back down with every swallow of water from my bottle. I hate coming here, and I loathe doctors. It’s hard to control the clawing and suffocating that starts inside when I see him.

I jump when my name is called - I was lost in my head again; I keep my breathing controlled and do everything I can to avoid a panic attack. The only positive about today, today we get to see our daughter on one of these fancy 4D scans. Every time I see her, she is more real, more mine and I feel the fiercest need to keep her safe. I’ll do anything for her; I’ll die to keep her safe.

I can see Rowan is nervous when he leans down to where I lie on the table and kisses my cheek, he hates that the doctor has to touch me and I feel him squeeze the shit out of my hand as the screen springs to life and we see out sweet baby girl, she is sucking on her little hand, the image is so clear, so amazing. I can’t make words. All my brain can do is see her and feel Rowan. I turn my head for a second to see his face, a lone tear falls down his cheek, he doesn’t wipe it he doesn’t stop looking at the screen and I turn back.

“So daddy, do you want to know what it is?” The doctor asks him in an all business tone that is too chilling for the warmth and emotion of this moment. “Hmm? Um yes, please.” Rowan manages to croak out over the giant lump I know is in his throat. The doctor moves the ultrasound wand around a little and prods my ever expanding belly a little to get her to move. “Well daddy, this is definitely a young lady in here.” He starts to point out things and explaining to Rowan, but I don’t hear a thing I just feel his grip tighten and I see the tears flowing down his cheeks. No one sees Rowan cry, no one sees the soft side of the monster, ever, this moment is one of very few where his guard is down and his love is at surface where it can be seen. I close my eyes in an attempt to keep my own tears from falling and I feel his wet cheek press against mine so he can whisper to me softly. “A baby girl, thank you Lauri, thank you.” He sniffs back more tears.

The doctor hands us a usb drive with pictures and a video of our little girl as we leave the room, I can’t wait to show Amya. He schedules my next appointment for three week’s time. I dread it already.

Rowan kisses me hard as he helps me back into his car. His kiss speaks a thousand words, the one I hear loudest, my husband is scared; he’s never had a reason to be scared of anything. This little baby girl scares the living crap out him and I know it. He isn’t disappointed as I thought he would b,e instead he’s overjoyed and scared. Who would have thought a sweet little baby could bring a big bad murderer to his knees and make him cry.

Once we are on the road Rowan finally says something. “So what should we call her?” The name debate, my heart sinks, here we go. I’ve avoided all name conversations with everyone because I have no name ideas at all, not even one. Shit, shit, shit. “What do you want to call her?” I try deflect this to him. I know it won’t work but I try anyway. He shakes his head the smile from earlier still there big and bright. “You don’t have a single name do you?” Caught out. “Nope, not even one.” I confess with a laugh. We’re the worst possible parent combination ever and I find it rather funny to be honest. “Avery.” I look at him with my jaw hanging and snap it shut when I realize. “I like Avery.” He continues. I don’t have any reason to argue, it’s a beautiful name and I don’t have any cause not to like it, but I know it was Callum’s mother’s name. “Avery.” I say it aloud rubbing my baby bump. “I like Avery, but will Cal be okay with that?” I know already that she is Avery, it’s right I only had to say it once to know that it was her name. “Never mind, I don’t care, I love it and I know her name is Avery nothing else will go now that you called her that.”