Come Alive (3 page)

“Open mine next.”

Lucy squealed with delight as she accepted the overstuffed party bag from
Bethany, who had a playful gleam in her eye.

“Oh, my,” she groaned as she pulled out a pink, feathered tiara with the
word ‘Bachelorette’ branded across the front. We were ten girls at a noisy
restaurant downtown, egging Lucy on as she unwrapped gifts between sips of her
pink Cosmo.

“You’re wearing that now, and you’re wearing this too,”
Dani
said, placing a necklace with mini phallic-shaped
candies around Lucy’s neck.

“
Dani
! It’s definitely inappropriate for my
little sister to be draping me in penises.”

“It is perfectly appropriate,”
Dani
retorted,
clearing a mass of brown, glossy ringlets from her shoulder.

I picked up a green gummy penis and popped it in my mouth before
scrunching up my nose. “Sour apple,” I lamented. “Yuck.”

“Oh, no you don’t, Olivia Germaine. You will swallow that penis,” Gretchen
scolded, waving a finger at me.

I laughed and gulped the candy down exaggeratedly before chasing it with my
Cosmo.

I sat between Lucy and Gretchen as
Dani
, maid
of honor and official party planner, stood to raise her glass. “There will be
no toast tonight because between the rehearsal dinner and the wedding, I’m
running out of material. Lucy is too good, and there aren’t enough naughty
stories to go around. There’s only one decent one from high school, involving
her bedroom window and a football jock named Jack, but I’m saving that for the big
night.”

“
Dani
, no! You wouldn’t!” Lucy cried, her face
a veritable bright red.

“I’m teasing, sis. That one isn’t nearly good enough for a wedding toast.
Anyway, please raise your glasses for my non-toast, and let’s get this party
underway.”

“I can’t believe you’re getting married in two days,” Gretchen said to
Lucy, leaning into my lap.

“Me neither. I never thought I’d say this, but I’ll be glad when it’s
over. It’s been so much work.”

“Yes, it has, but you’ve done an amazing job,” I reassured. “Sunday is
going to be beautiful.”

“It had better be,” she said. “What are you doing about a date,
Gretch
? You RSVP’d plus one, so you must bring a plus one.”

“Actually, I’m just going to bring John. Is that cool?”

“Of course! I love your brother.”

“Why don’t you have a date?” I asked skeptically.

“No reason,” she responded with a shrug.

“Hey, whatever happened with Brian?” I was embarrassed that I’d never
asked about the date they’d gone on months ago.

“Who?”

“Brian Ayers. I introduced you at the magazine’s Meet & Greet.”

“Oh, that guy, no, yuck.”

“Yuck? He’s hot. He’s like
freakin
’
Hemsworth
hot, if you’re into blonds, which you are.”

“Agreed, but he’s a pretentious prick.”

“Oh,” I said with surprise. “I don’t think so at all.”

She shrugged. “Then you fuck him.”

Her roommates, Ava and Bethany, giggled from across the table, but I gave
Gretchen a reproachful look.

“Who are you bringing,
Dani
?”
Ava asked.

“This guy I’ve just started seeing,” she replied
with a half-smile.

“He’s coming from Milwaukee?” Bethany asked.

“He lives here,” Lucy interjected. “You guys
know him from my engagement party. David Dylan.” For the first time, our end of
the table was silent, and I was sure they could all hear my heart drop. “It’s
still new, which is why I didn’t mention it.”

Ava looked confused, but Bethany reminded her that
he was ‘that tall, gorgeous hunk from that one restaurant’s soft opening’ before
declaring that she was supremely jealous.

I fielded a sidelong glance from Gretchen. She
and I hadn’t discussed David beyond the night I’d confessed my feelings to her.
I hadn’t let our conversations go that way again. She didn’t know about what
I’d done, but I hated that she knew anything at all.

“You . . . You lucky bitch,” Gretchen joked
awkwardly. “I’ve had my eye on him for a while. How did that happen?”

Dani’s
eyes
brightened. “Well, I was in town last month for some wedding planning, and Lucy
set us up. He took all of us on his sailboat, no big deal,” she said with a
giddy grin.

“Can you imagine having David Dylan as a
brother-in-law?” Lucy asked. “I’d never stop staring!”

“Hands off,”
Dani
kidded.

“I’m trying to convince
Dani
to move to Chicago, and this is part of my plan,” Lucy said proudly.

Dani
rolled her
eyes. “She acts like Milwaukee is another country.”

“You’re here all the time anyway,” Lucy pointed
out.

I was spinning my wedding ring at the same pace
that my mind was whirring. I glared at the girl across from me. She was
Danielle officially, but insisted on being called
Dani
.
She had Lucy’s dark brown hair and green eyes like mine. I had always been worried
about Gretchen catching David’s attention with her blonde curls and
Windex-colored eyes, but now David’s words rang through my head: ‘
I prefer brunettes with big, green eyes . .
. .’

“I’ll be honest, I thought David was something
of a womanizer, but they’ve been out twice, and he hasn’t made any moves,” Lucy
revealed.

“He’s such a gentleman,”
Dani
boasted.

Gentleman.
My insides
tightened at the term, and I gripped my thighs. He was no gentleman. He was
rough and harsh and callous but tender and sweet and considerate. The
adjectives flowed through me, and I bit my lip. He deserved someone like
Dani
, who was cute and spunky and most importantly – available.

“He’s flying back just to take her,” Lucy said,
and everyone twittered.

“Where is he?” I asked hoarsely before I could
stop myself.

“New York,”
Dani
answered as though the information was nothing. “He’s an architect, and he’s
working on a project there. Originally he said he couldn’t make it because of
work, which I thought was weird because it
is
Labor Day weekend, but he changed his mind all of a – ”

“Excuse me,” I said, standing.

“Do you want company?” Gretchen asked, moving to
get up.

I sighed inwardly, wanting nothing more than to
run away and cry, but my self-preservation instincts kicked in. “No. I’m fine,”
I said with a big smile. “I’m going to call Bill and tell him I miss him.”

The table cooed harmoniously. Lucy nearly melted
in her chair.

“What can I say, all this wedding talk has me
feeling romantic.”

I made a show of retrieving my phone and went to
stand outside in the warm night. Warm, yes, but I was cold. I was always cold
to the bone lately. I didn’t call Bill as I had said but took a moment to
collect myself.
Dani
. And David. Me. And Bill.
It made
perfect sense. I wondered if he had even considered how it might hurt me to
hear that. Surely, after all this time, he didn’t consider my feelings anymore.
Why should he?

And would it matter if he did? In the end,
things were as they were supposed to be. Who was he to me? A mistake.
A mark that could never be erased for the entirety of my marriage.
Long after I will have forgotten him, he will remain a part of my past.

Long after
I’ve forgotten him . .
. .
When will that be? How much
longer until I forget?

It felt like a lifetime had passed already since
that night. But though I worked hard not to think of him, the way he’d made me
feel persisted. When I was near him.
When I watched him watch
me.
Kisses, whispers, sensations in the dark.

I looked up at the night sky for a long time. In
moments like these, I longed to be back in the suburbs of Dallas, where I could
lie in the backyard and blanket myself with millions of stars. Tonight there
were few.
So this is how it goes.

When a prick of light shot across the sky,
leaving a faint silver streak in its path, I didn’t bother making a wish. I
just turned and went back inside.

CHAPTER 3

GRETCHEN’S FISTS
SHOT in the air. “Feel the burn!” she screeched.

 
I quickly bit into a lime to abate my
tingling jaw. My face scrunched, and I plucked the rind from between my teeth
to drop it in the empty shot glass.

“Nice,”
she said. “Three in a row. I’m impressed.”

I
hiccupped and smiled. “I’ll take another Cosmo,” I told the bartender.

“You’re
going to make yourself sick, mixing liquors like that.”

“I’m
no rookie. Are you forgetting who taught you how to drink?”

“That’s
debatable.
Still, tequila shots and Cosmos?
Gross. And
maybe even lethal.”

I
answered her with a shrill laugh that hurt even my own ears. I could almost
feel the alcohol eating away at the pit in my stomach. It was just acidic
enough to erase the toxicity of my shame for a night. It was relief, sweet and
bitter. I took my drink and followed Gretchen back to our booth in the VIP
section of the downtown club.

“Anyway,”
Bethany was saying. “That was it for them. After an affair, three years of
counseling and two children, it was forgetting to replace the milk that finally
did it.”

Ava
shook her head. “So sad. That happened to my colleague, too. One day she came
home from work, and her husband said, ‘I can’t do this anymore.’ Can you
imagine?”

“Not
everyone is as lucky as me and Andrew,” Lucy said, shrugging as though she were
helpless to the fact. “We have the kind of romance that most people can only
hope for.”

“It’s
true. You guys are soul mates,” Ava said.

“I
know. How sweet is that?”

I
laughed into my Cosmo.

“What?”
Lucy asked.

“Oh,
nothing,” I said after a sip.

“No,
what? Why is that funny?”

“It’s
not funny, it’s just . . . idealistic, I guess.”

“How
so?”

“I
mean, Luce, really? You guys haven’t even walked down the aisle yet. It’s a
little early to be so sure.”

Her
mouth parted. “Andrew and I aren’t like those people. We have something unique
and special. True romance.”

“Honey,
romance is fleeting,” I said, waving a hand in the air. “When it fades away,
you have to know that you and Andrew will still be able to stand each other.”

“Call
me naïve – ”

“You
said it!” I shrieked, giggling by myself.

“Um,”
Lucy continued, “okay, but I don’t think that for us, the romance will ever
‘fade away.’”

“I
agree, Lucy,” Ava cut in. “I think you and Andrew are meant to be. I envy you
guys. I can’t wait to meet my soul mate.”

“There’s
no such thing as soul mates, Ava,” I said. “That’s just a bunch of fairytale
bullshit. The sooner everyone realizes that, the better.”

“
Liv
,” Gretchen warned.

“What?
It’s true. Marriage is work. You’ll see soon enough. That euphoric stage wears
off
pret-ty
quick-
ly
. I’m
not being cynical; it’s science.” When I noticed their frowns, I nodded. “Yep,
science. Hormones, oxy- ” I hiccupped, “
tocin
, and shit
like that. Not very romantic, is it?”

“What
about earlier when you went to call Bill?” Lucy countered. “Some might say that
was a romantic gesture.”

I
glanced down at the table and took one of those painful breaths, the ones where
you feel the simultaneous constricting of everything in your chest. I thought
about confessing that I hadn’t gone outside to call Bill, but to remind myself of
why things were better off as they were. It was only a brief moment though, and
instead, I said, “That exactly proves my point. Being around all of you makes
me want to call Bill and tell him that I love him.”

“Which
is romantic,” someone said.

I
nodded. “It is, but why should I have to be reminded of that?
Because relationships aren’t always that way.
Sometimes you
forget that you’re madly in love.” I hiccupped. “Happens to everyone.”

“Olivia,”
Gretchen said again.

“Sorry,
but I don’t want Lucy to be disappointed.”

“Are
you disappointed?” Bethany asked.

“No,
because I learned early on what marriage is about. It’s work. Thinking that it
will be easy because it’s ‘true love’ is stupid. That’s just another form of
faith for those who can’t deal with reality.”

“That’s
enough,”
Dani
said.

I
shrugged at her. “Better to be prepared.”

“I
really don’t think Andrew and I are that way,” Lucy said. “We’re – ”

“Different?”
I interjected.

“Yes.”

I
nodded. “I hope you are.”

“I
mean, I get what you’re saying,” Lucy continued. “I know you and Bill work at your
marriage, but I’m excited to work together with Andrew. I love him. There’s no
one else I would have wanted to do this with.”

“Not
even Kyle Medley?” I asked, giggling to myself as I took another sip. “Come on,
you said the same thing about him in college.”

“I
think you’ve had enough,” Gretchen said, reaching for my drink.

I
recoiled, sloshing pink liquid on my dress. “Damn,” I muttered, swiping at the
stain.

“I
didn’t know what love was until I met Andrew,” Lucy said.

I
blinked at her once and then burst into laughter. “Lucy, do you hear yourself?
You’re just saying that because to admit otherwise would mean you could be
marrying anyone right now. Including Kyle Medley.”

“You’re
not making any sense.”

“I’m
making perfect sense! If instead of dumping you, Kyle had proposed, you would
have said yes. Hence, the eradication of the soul mates theory. At the time,
you thought he was your soul mate. And if you and Andrew broke up and you met
someone else, you’d say he was your soul mate.”

“You’re
putting words in my mouth. I never thought Kyle Medley was ‘the one.’”

My
face scrunched under the weight of my skepticism. “Okay,” I said, holding up my
hands. “If that’s your story.”

Lucy’s
face etched with worry when she looked from her sister to Gretchen. “So are you
saying that Bill isn’t your soul mate?” she asked after a moment.

“I’m
saying the whole ludicrous idea doesn’t exist. And I know Bill would agree with
me.”

“So
what do you suggest, that nobody ever get married?”
Dani
asked.

I
felt my brows crease as I looked at her. “No,” I said emphatically. “That’s not
what I’m saying at all. Just don’t make it into something it’s not. Obviously
Bill and I love each other, and we’re happy and we are building this life
together – but to say that it’s this fairytale romance where we make love
on a bed of rose petals every night, I mean . . . That’s what Lucy wants.”

“No
I don’t. But Andrew and I share something pure that neither of us could
experience with someone else. Romance isn’t exclusive to sex. And even as we
get older or fight or have kids, we’ll still have that passion for only each
other.”

I
only raised my eyebrows and gripped the table when the room undulated suddenly.

“Don’t
listen to her,”
Dani
said softly, but not soft
enough.

“Oh,
I’m sorry,
Dani
. How long have you been married?”

“
Liv
!”

“It’s
fine, Lucy,”
Dani
said, pursing her lips at me.
“She’s right. I’m not married. None of us are, so maybe she has a point.”

I
gave the table a hard nod and pointed to
Dani
. “See?
She knows what’s up.”

“I’m
calling you a cab,” Gretchen said, digging in her purse.

“Don’t
make me the bad guy, Gretchen,” I pleaded, suddenly upset. “I’m just trying to
be honest. It doesn’t mean I love Bill any less or that I’m not happy. I am
happy. I just want Lucy to be happy, too.”

Lucy
came to sit next to me. I was enfolded in a lavender cloud when she hugged me.
“I know,” she said, squeezing my shoulders. “Nobody thinks you’re the bad guy.
Everyone is happy.”

“Good,”
I said. “You smell nice.”

She
threw her head back and laughed. “Thank you.”

“Do
you want me to call her a cab?” Gretchen asked.

I
frowned. “I’m sitting right here.”

“Actually,
I think it might be time to call it a night,” Lucy said. “I don’t want to be
puffy on Sunday.”

Everyone
agreed emphatically that they did not want to be puffy either, so Ava and
Bethany went to hail cabs while Lucy left for the restroom.

“You
know, you really should keep your marital problems to yourself,”
Dani
said to me as we settled the bill. “Lucy doesn’t need
to hear that a couple days before she walks down the aisle.”

“I
don’t have marital problems.”

“All
the same, don’t spoil this for her. She already worries about you too much when
she should be focusing on herself right now.”

I
looked over at Gretchen for backup, but she only shrugged. “She’s probably right,
Liv
. Remember what we talked about? This weekend is
about Lucy.”

My
eyes drifted back to
Dani
and narrowed. I imagined
David sitting next to her, touching her hair and rubbing her back. He would
smile mildly at me and that’d be the worst part. His eyes would regard me
impassively, like an old friend. Maybe he still had that passion, but it would be
for her or someone else. Not for me. He wouldn’t look at me the same anymore.

~

I stumbled into
the apartment and shut the heavy door quietly behind me. I tossed my keys at
the table but missed, so they landed on the floor with a clang. Stifling a
laugh, I kicked off my heels.
Tiptoe, tiptoe,
shh
. .
. .

“Shit, fuck!” I hissed.

“
Liv
?”

“Sorry babe, I
hin
my shit.
Er
,
I hit my shin on the bed,” I said, giggling.

The bed rustled with movement. “How was it?”

“Good,” I responded, and I could see his teeth flash in the dark. “We
drank
pink
Cosmos at dinner and then tequila and . . . other stuff, I
don’t remember.”

“So you had fun?”

“Yup. You?”

“Yeah, we had a good time too. Andrew’s brothers are a little immature,
but whatever.”

“Gretchen fell off a curb.” I snickered and then broke into a fit of
laughter, clutching my side.

“You seem better,” he said cautiously when I’d recovered.

Am I?
I didn’t know how to respond, because I wasn’t sure.
Since my talk with Gretchen, I had tried to be more affable. I didn’t feel back
to normal, but I wasn’t sure I ever would. How could I, knowing what I did? How
could things ever go back to the way they were?

“Bill,” I said softly. “Do you believe in soul mates?”

I heard the sheets rustle again and jumped when he touched me. He rotated
me and unzipped my party dress so it fell to the ground. His figure rose from
the bed, and he found my lips with a gentle kiss.

“Wait,”
I said when he pulled away. I wrapped my arms around his neck. It felt nice to
be kissed and touched after months of loneliness. Maybe being with Bill again
would remind me of our love. He could end my ongoing inner battles.

He
removed his boxers quickly as we kissed and then urged me backward onto the
bed. He climbed atop me, and I held his face to mine. When he nudged between my
legs, I whispered, “Slow down. Kiss me first.”

I
ran my hands over his long back and shut my eyes while he kissed me excitedly.
I sought a connection with my hands and my tongue, but my head began to spin. I
opened my eyes, but the room was spinning too. He pecked me on the lips before
pulling away.

I
blinked up, focusing on the ceiling.
What
have I done?
Something is lost, I’ve
driven a wedge between us
–
does he feel it too?
He was back suddenly, his hands sliding down and
spreading me open. “Wait,” I groaned as dread and tequila flooded me. He started
to push into me. “Wait, just – just slow down! Jesus.”

He jerked back and hovered over me. “What?” he
asked, bewildered.

“You’re . . . moving too fast, can’t you feel
that I’m not ready?”

“All right,” he said sitting back on his calves.
“What do you want me to do? You don’t like foreplay.”

I heaved a sigh. I had told him that once,
because it was usually a tedious race to see if I could finish when I knew I
wouldn’t. After all these years with Bill, I’d gradually given up the chase for
my orgasm.