Comfort and Joy (15 page)
Following supper came the trip to the mall. Dan found Ford in the bedroom, gazing vacantly at the window. Underneath his stillness waited an unspoken ache. Dan could see it in the face, the softness of the gray eyes, the boyish hunger of the mouth. Ford lifted the sweater over his head. "I feela little lost."
The collapse began at the center of his face, spread outward. He sat on the bed, and Dan quietly pulled Ford's head into his lap, gathering the boy against him. "What is your family doing tonight?"
"Grandmother's party. They'llbe arrivingright about now." "Do youthink Courtenayand her husband went home?"
"I mean it, too. She likes me fine. She's just not sure if she likes anybodywithyou."Hearingthe sounds ofpreparationrising to a peak, he added, "But she's getting used to the idea. Come on. You're the pilot for this expedition."
Ford laughed, said yes, but lingered. "I love you, Danny." Closing his eyes at the unexpected declaration, Dan took a deep breath. Astrong hand pressed his face. "You're calling me Dannya lot these days."
Through the holiday night along darkened roads; through the quiet hamlet ofWickham, where the MainStreet telephone poles had been transformed to large candy canes; through the countryside to the four-lane highway and along the highway to Foxbriar Mall they traveled, not quite a family, yet not quite anything else. Ray, Ellen, and Amy squeezed into the back seat, placingJasonbetween
In the mall, Ray and Ellen quickly vanished beyond an island of concrete swans swimming through a lake of carefully tended ferns. The others moved more slowly through the broad space, showered from above with holiday music and stunned by the glitter of the shops. Voices washed over them; young women with large hairdos discussed the varieties of aftershave their boyfriends fancied; older women in pantsuits opened their bags to allow snaggle toothed daughters to peep at Daddy's Christmas present. In the toy store Jason dashed from aisle to aisle and pointed out, largely to Ford, all the toys he would be receiving from Santa Claus. Then Amy and Dan took Jason to an empty booth at a hamburger place while Ford quietly vanished.
Amy, watching him go, pulled a cigarette from her purse and lit it. Eyeing Dan. "You won't yellat me as long as I don't smoke around Ford, willyou?"
"I figured maybe Ford thinks it's common to smoke, or something." She lit the cigarette and inhaled selfconsciously, glancing at the other shoppers and blowing her smoke across a low planter fullofplastic snake plant. "Mama had me so worried about him being here, telling me how rich he is and how old his familyis and allthat stuff."
"She was worried?"Danasked.
"You know she was. It was all she would talk about. I guess she thought he was goingto walk inthe house withhis nose up in the air, or something." Pausing to wipe Jason's chin. He went on chewingcontentedly.
"What do youthink now?"
"I think he's nice."Amy spoke with self-conscious brightness. "He doesn't act like he's better thanus at all."
"He's not better thanus."
"You know what I mean."Amy reached for the ashtray. "He doesn't act like he thinks he is. What is his familylike?"
"I've only met his sister. Her name is Courtenay. She's fine. We don't get along all that well when we're together, but I like her."
"She doesn't think you're good enoughfor him?"
Dan shook his head, "Not so much that. They're close, Ford and her. They looked after each other when they were growing up, sort of like you and me. I think she feels like I'm taking him away from her. And she worries about him." He sipped his sweet, flat Coke. "We get alongbetter thanwe used to."
Amy snuffed out the cigarette. She was thinking about something else now. "I went to see Papa's grave last week. I took him a poinsettia. I figured nobody else would do it—his brothers and sisters don't payhimanymind."
"Did anybodyever get hima gravestone?"
"No. Allen won't spend any money on it. And I don't have it to spend."
"He was my real granddaddy," Jason announced, following the conversation with great seriousness. "But I like Granddaddy Ray."
"So do I,"Dansaid.
Amy pulled the child against her side and lay her head atop his. "Youwent withme to that graveyard, didn't you, sweet boy? And youcarried the flower for me so I wouldn't have to."
"It was heavy,"Jasonsaid, sighing.
"Do youever miss him?"Amyasked.
The cold hand closed onDan's throat. "No."
"I do. I know it's stupid."
"I went to the Circle House today. With Ford. Do you remember whichone that was?"
She paled slightly. "Why?"
"We were close to it. I wondered ifit was stillthere."
"Was it?"
He nodded. "It's falling down. Nobody lives there. Our bedroomis off the foundation, and there's a big hole in the floor inMama and Papa's room."
"I'mglad of it."Unable to look Dan in the eye. She embraced Jasonagain. "I wishyoucould forget about that place."
Dan sipped his Coke in silence. Returning to the moment at the window, the image of Mama in the red dress, the fear in Ford's eyes. "I wishI could too."
"What did Ford say? About the house?"
"It scared him. I had told himwe were poor, but I don't think he realized what I meant tillhe saw where we lived."
Amy laughed. "You should've told him that was one of the nice places."
"I did."
She worried the cigarette pack with her fingertip. "Did you tell himwhat happened there?"
"No."
"Whydid we name that one the Circle House?"
"Don't you remember?" Dan asked. "You came up with it. Because the rooms opened into a circle and there weren't any dead ends in the house. So when Papa chased Mama there, she could always get awayfromhim."
With jarring suddenness, Ford loomed over the table and the present reasserted itself. Amyshoved the ashtrayto the side, and Ford slid into the booth beside Dan. "Did you find what you wanted?"Amyasked, instantlypublic.
"Oh, yes. It was right there."
Ford asked Amyto help himpick out a gift for Mrs. Burley.
Jason accompanied Ford this time, the child's hand small within the clasp of the maris. "Mama, now you walk behind me and him. Okay?"
At a shop called Elan, Ford and Jason paused to review various flowing scarves, wooljackets, alligator purses, and other items in the window, Ford requesting Jason's five-year-old opinion on which of the displayed wares would please Jason's nanna. Jason selected a large, wide gold-plated belt and Ford pretended to consider it, rubbing chin with forefinger and kneeling next to Jason for a serious discussion of the belt's merits. "Your Nanna might think it's too heavy," Ford said. "It looks like to me it could be."
Jason considered, tucked in his lower lip and nodded. "Probably,"he said, "because it's gold."
Amyknelt onhis other side. "She might like a scarf."
Jason shook his head wisely. "No, she wouldn't. Nanna don't like scarfs like that one."He sighed and threw up his hands. "We better go inthe store and look at some other stuff."
They wandered fromthere to another shop, Helene's, moving slowly through the shifting crowd. Overhearing conversations,
Mom won't like that, she looks awful in that color. That's too high, I can't pay that. Can you believe how precious this is, just the most darling little outfit?
Dan's attention strayed somewhat, and when he turned to find Ford already paying for a long-waisted red wool jacket, he eyed the obviously expensive item with some surprise. Stepping toward the cashier, he touched the price label, read it and looked at Ford. Eyebrows raised. "Too much,"he said.
Ford's jaw set ina line. "Jasonlikes it, and I like it."
Jason said, "It's red, Uncle Dan, and Nanna likes red. And it makes her look pretty."
Dan shook his head slowly, backing away. Ford watched the retreat, and Dan felt his hurt. But his jaw was set, and he completed the purchase quickly. The cashier pointed the way to gift wrap and Ford headed there without a backward glance.
"How much does it cost?" Amy asked, and Dan answered. She blew out breath in slight surprise. "That's more than I spent onher."
Dan felt a sinking in his middle. "That's more than you and me bothspent onher."
Jason said, "It's from me and Ford. And Nanna will like it a whole lot."
Amy quipped, "I sure hope he buys me a present." Watching Dan's clear disapproval with amusement. "You're mad, aren't you? Can't he afford it?"
"Oh, he can afford it, all right."More than mad. He controlled himself. "I better hush. The one thingwe fight about is money."
"That's what me and Hank fought about most of the time," Amy said. "You better be careful. You don't want to end up like I did."
From across the crowded sales floor, Ford glanced at Dan carefully, brows knit together. Prepared, with stubbornness, for argument. Danmet his glance, unable to softenhis expression. argument. Danmet his glance, unable to softenhis expression.
At home again, after a mostly silent drive, they parted ways quickly. Ford and Jason arranged Ford's packages under the tree. Ford used the phone to call the hospital, learned his patient had lived through surgery and was recovering, then said good night. Amy and Jason drove home to make a bologna sandwich for Santa Claus. Rayand Momwent to bed.
Dan sat up alone in the living room, staring into the plastic tree. No clear line of thought carried him. On the floor lay the offending Christmas package, the expensive gift. Watching it, he remembered the moment in the mall, his coldness at the thought ofFord's unnecessary, irritatingextravagance. Now, distant from his own sudden harshness, he saw only Ford's fear in its aftermath.
What does it matter how much money he spends on my mother? Why do I fight him about money? What am I defending?
He flicked off the television and knelt to unplug the Christmas lights. He closed his eyes and imagined the rooms of the house on Clifton Heights opening round him one by one. He set the thermostat for its night duty and returned to the living room, switching off lamps. He stood at the window in the dark and waited tillhe could identify allthe sounds in the house, the ticking of the electric clock, the drone of the refrigerator's compressor, the slow drip of water into the stainless steel sink. The click of the furnace as the thermostat cycled. He stood there waiting for something; he could almost name it. Then the feeling ebbed, and he faced the bedroom. He undressed and slipped between the sheets. Ford was alreadyasleep.
Late in the night he felt Ford leave the bed, head to the other room, make a phone call. He was away only a little while. When he came back, Dan settled against him, and, after a moment, Ford turned and theylayacross one another inthe dark. Ford turned and theylayacross one another inthe dark.
"He's allright."
"Yes. Sorry, I didn't meanfor youto wake up."
