Comfort Object (46 page)

“And then what?” I said. My voice sounded like someone else's.

“I don't know. You tell me. Then what? Do you love him or not, Nell?”

I was seized by desire and fear. I clutched my hands together. “God, I love him so much. But how…? But what…what do I say to make him see…?”

“I don't know. But you better figure it out, 'cause I don't feel like going back to scoping out BDSM clubs.” He gave me a crooked smile. “You know it's never been my scene.”

* * *

Kyle was my personal assistant, but we didn't do social things often, at least not the vanilla kind. I'd had a long day. I was frustrated and tired. The last thing I felt like doing was going out to a bar and fending off fans, but Kyle had insisted. At least he was pretty good by now at scoping out the empty, out-of-the-way bars so I could get down a couple of drinks and chat with a few women before the cell phones started popping out and the paparazzi amassed outside.

This bar was a dive. There was no nice way to put it, but it was so dark and small and smoky that it was actually easy to hide. I felt myself begin to unwind, begin to feel human again. It was a great feeling, to just relax and go unnoticed, a feeling I so rarely had. I leaned back in the booth and let the pounding music wash over me.

“Great, huh?” said Kyle. “I knew you'd like this place.”

“I've needed this,” I said, yelling over the music. “I've really needed a night like this.”

I might even get laid. I saw a lot of freaky women walking around. Piercings, thongs rising out of barely covered ass cheeks. Tramp stamps as far as the eye could see. This wasn't exactly a kink bar, but it wasn't mainstream. The waitress tottered by in high heels and an obscenely short skirt. It gave me a small thrill, but she wasn't
her
. Not even close.

The waitress had long, frizzy black hair extensions, fake boobs, a nice, round ass, tarty lipstick. She might be nice to have for one night. I looked away a moment later. My heart wasn't in it. Aside from the driving desire to get laid, there was nothing about other women that attracted me anymore.

I probably just needed a little more time.

It had been almost three months since Nell left me. Well. Since I'd sent her away. I hadn't really given her a choice. I couldn't have. If I'd given her a choice, I knew she would have stayed. My faithful one.

I took another drink of my beer, watched a few blitzed couples making out on the dance floor. Kyle kept looking around, as if he was waiting for someone.

I realized too late that I'd been set up.

She was there across the bar, and she was alone. She clutched her bag and bit her lip, searching the room.

“Jesus, Jeremy! Look, Nell's here!”

Great performance. He wouldn't have convinced a child. But there she was, and he stood and waved his arms to get her attention. She, too, pretended to be shocked to discover us here, as if she would have just shown up at this tiny, hole-in-the-wall bar on the edge of town the exact same night we happened to show up. I would have scowled at Kyle, but I couldn't tear my gaze away from her.

She walked over with a lovely, wry, shy smile on her face, the smile I'd seen a thousand times, the smile that haunted my dreams. I drank in every movement, every muscle, every breath she drew in and out. I felt petrified with lust and fear.

Why would Kyle do this? I think he was starting to learn the art of sadism. I'd worked for months now to purge her from my mind. Unsuccessfully, but still. This wasn't helping; in fact, the ache was already unbearable.
No no no, you can't be mine.

Perhaps Nell was the one who'd asked Kyle to do this. It didn't matter a moment later. All that mattered was that she was there, right there, close enough to touch. I could smell her faint flower fragrance, pick it out from the smoke and sweaty bar odor around us. I knew it elementally, like I knew everything about her. I stood up, feeling wooden, and embraced her. It hurt to let her go.

She had on a little black dress and textured knit stockings that ended just above her knees. She looked thinner and sadder than she had before.

“How have you been, Nell?” I finally managed to say, and it sounded mournful even though I was shouting to be heard over the music.

“I've been okay,” I think she said.

“What? I can't hear you.”

She leaned closer to me, resting her lips against my ear. “I've been okay,” she said. “But God, Jeremy, I've missed you so much.”

“You and Kyle engineered this,” I said back to her in her ear, holding her head still with her lovely red hair.

She backed away and searched my eyes for displeasure, a skill all subs refined with their Doms. I gave her a dry smile to let her know I wasn't really angry. Pained, yes. But I couldn't be angry with her. She dropped her chin and leaned close again. “I'm sorry. But I had to talk to you.”

“About what?”

We sat down and put our heads together. I wanted to throw a grenade into the DJ booth. The music that had relaxed and hidden me before hindered me now, and I wanted it to stop. I wanted utter silence and stillness so I could hear nothing but the beautiful timbre of her voice.

“Let's go outside. Do you want to go outside?” I found myself asking.
Bad idea, bad idea
. Too late. She nodded, and we stood together. I went in front of her, reaching back for her hand. The feel of grasping her familiar little hand in mine almost destroyed me. Fucking Kyle. He was so dead.

“So,” I said briskly, dropping her hand when we got outside. “It was loud in there, yeah? I can hear you now. You look great, by the way.” I talked about inane things to keep myself from saying what I really wanted to say.
I need you. I love you. Come back to me!
“Is everything okay? Kyle told me you were leaving soon for school.”

“I am.” She looked up at me from under her lashes, another familiar mannerism that gave me pain.
Just talk to her.

“Harvard. That's really excellent. Wow. Impressive.”

She laughed softly. “Expensive for you.”

“Oh God, no. That doesn't matter. I wanted you to go where you wanted to go. Anyway, Kyle said you'd already been there. I had no idea.”

“Your Ivy League submissive.”

“I know. No wonder you were so good at it,” I joked, but what I really ached to do was take her in my arms and kiss her and pull up that little skirt…

“They have a really good folklore and mythology department,” she said, oblivious to the indignities I was visiting on her body in my mind. “One of the best.”

“Well, I'm glad. They'll be lucky to have you. I'm sure you'll do my money proud.”

She frowned slightly, and I expected her to say something about how the money never mattered to her, which I'd come to believe looking back at our time together with a clear mind.

But instead she said, “I never told you the story of Svava, did I?”

“I don't think so.”

“She was an obscure Norse figure, a valkyrie. Her father was a king. Do you know what a valkyrie is?”

I shook my head.

“Valkyries chose which warriors were most worthy to die in battle, and brought them to Valhalla after they died, to serve them mead and provide them…other pleasures.”

I smiled. More sexy mythology.

“Svava took her job seriously. She looked out after the bravest men, both dead and alive. Then one day she came upon a man who was silent, so silent that no name had been given to him, nor did he have a family or any kind of life at all. But she could tell he was brave and steadfast, so Svava gave him a name, Helgi, and along with his new name, she offered to give him a gift, but Helgi said the only gift he wanted was her. They married, and with her support he became a great warrior, and she was always there protecting him in battle. She refused to let him die, although eventually he did take a fatal wound.”

She looked off across the street in the dark night.

“Helgi called Svava to his side to give him one last kiss. But she couldn't give him up. Their love was so strong that, instead, they were reincarnated again and again to be together for all time.”

She looked back at me, her eyes wide, intent. I shook my head. “Nell—”

“I don't want to give you up, Jeremy! I'm not afraid. Not like you. Life is scary sometimes, but being without you scares me so much more—”

“But don't you see?” I said with a frustrated sigh. “Faithfulness, forgiveness, bravery…all the things you bring… What do you get in return? What can I give? Pain? Confusion? Danger? Fear?”

“Protectiveness. Kindness. Steadfastness. Handsome good looks.”

She really meant it. I took her in my arms and held her close, breathing her in one last time.

“Nell. You gave me a name,
your
name. You gave me a gift. It's true I had no life before you, before you showed me what love can be. But if I lose you, Nell…”

She shook her head. “Love can overcome all adversity, all fear, if you're only strong. If you can be brave, or let me be brave for you, like Svava—”

“Life isn't mythology,” I said, drawing away from her. “Especially mine. But it was so wonderful to see you again.” I forced the words out to send her away. “God, it really was. Now let me get you a cab.”

* * *

The luggage he'd bought for me was all packed, sitting in the corner. The luggage he'd filled with delicious corsets and bras and stockings an eternity ago. But it wasn't an eternity ago. It had been barely half a year since I'd met him at Guillermo's restaurant.

Silly, ridiculous girl. He doesn't want you. Get over it already. Let it go.

I looked down at the book clutched in my hands,
The Odyssey
he'd given me in Portugal. Could I ever let it go? I didn't have a choice. I'd seen it in his eyes, that he wanted me more than anything on earth, and still he sent me away.