Coming Clean (10 page)

That was what Chaz had meant. I'd lost
me,
not Shaw.

Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach. Sick and in desperate need to be anywhere but here. “I'm…I'm going to go get Abe,” I said, grabbing my keys off the counter and making a beeline for the door.

Shaw grabbed me around my waist and pulled me back against his bare chest. Gone was the harsh tone, replaced by something gentler. “No, you're not. You've been drinking. I can smell it on your breath.” He slowly took the keys from my hand.

“Shit.” I'd forgotten. “It was just one beer, but I wouldn't have…Oh, God, I swear I wouldn't ever do that!”

“I know,” he said with a comforting squeeze and a kiss to the hair over my ear. There was no tone of disappointment about either his words or his actions.

The roiling in my stomach increased tenfold, and I knew it was only a matter of seconds before I lost its contents all over the place. Pulling away from him, I ran for the bathroom, not only because I was about to be sick but also because I was so tired of letting him see the tears in my eyes. For once, he hadn't been the one to cause them. Maybe he never had.

Last night, for the first time in a really long time, Cassidy had slept in our bed. So close, yet still so very far away. I'd wanted to reach out and hold her, I really had, but there was just so much
distance
between us.

When I'd gone to bed, she'd been situated all the way on the edge of her side with the blankets pulled up to her cheek, her face barely visible. And that was where she'd stayed. I'd tried to pretend I hadn't heard her tears, as much as she'd tried to hide the fact that she was crying. But I'd heard her. And with every sniffle, my heart had broken a little more.

She was right. Something was very wrong between us. The problem was that, though I'd always been able to find a solution when glitches happened in business, some way around the hiccup, matters of the heart weren't as easily solved. Whatever the issue between us, it certainly was not a glitch or hiccup, and no amount of fast talking or kissing ass was going to make this go away.

It was time for me to admit defeat, stop fighting her perceived solution, and just do things her way as a willing participant. That was the conclusion I'd drawn by the time my alarm clock had gone off and I'd rolled over to find her side of the bed empty once more.

With a weighted sigh, I pulled the covers back and stood, clad in nothing but pajama bottoms, which was more than I normally ever wore to bed. Of course I'd done that out of respect to Cassidy. I was sure the last thing she'd want to wake to was me, now a virtual stranger, naked and sporting a woody next to her. Especially not after what had happened between us the night before.

I knew where she'd be, so I made the short walk through the living area and stopped, looking down at my bare feet as I stood before the door to Abe's room. Not entirely sure what I should do, I raised a knuckle to knock, then decided that was silly. This was my son's bedroom, in my home, and my woman was on the other side of that door.

So I quietly cracked it open and stepped inside, not at all surprised to find Cassidy curled up in Abe's bed while snuggling his favorite Superman blanket, which matched the superhero décor of the rest of his room. For whatever reason, the sight was like being slapped in the face with a cold, dead fish.

The only two people who believed me to be a superhero, who wished with all their might for me to live up to the image, had lost faith in me. Hell, I had lost faith in myself.

How could I let them down? And more to the point, how was I going to find a way around my kryptonite when the kryptonite was me? Me and my pride. Me and my ambitions. Me and my inability to see the fucked-up choices I was making before said choices had been made.

Creeping across the room, careful not to make a sound, I looked down at my Cassidy and smiled when I saw the tiniest bit of drool at the corner of her full, pink mouth. Her hair was a mess of tangles the color of a Southern Californian sunset, and her long lashes rested gently upon flawless ivory skin, tinged a natural flush of color at the cheeks. Her breasts were fuller, her hips more rounded, her belly a little pooched, and her ass supple rather than toned. No doubt she saw all those physical characteristics as flaws. But not me. I saw her as a stunning woman made even more magnificent by the effects of motherhood.

I'd never want another as much as I wanted her.

Brushing a strand of hair away from her face, I grinned when her forehead crinkled and her lips did that pouty thing that reminded me so much of Abe. God, there was so much of her in him. His willfulness, his determination, his ability to always see the positive in every situation—that was all Cassidy.

Peering down at her I wondered if she realized
she
was the superhero. Not me.

But I could be her sidekick. Which meant I needed to follow her lead while sharing the load. And I knew just where to start.

Leaving Cassidy undisturbed, I backed out of Abe's room and made my way back to our bedroom, where my cellphone was charging. Then I went over to the pants I'd worn the day before and pulled the little black card out of the back pocket where I'd tucked it away with every intention of discarding it later. Dialing the number, I paced as the line began to ring. I was shocked when a voice answered on the other end of the line. Mostly because it was before seven o'clock in the morning, and I'd only thought to leave a message for a return call.

“Hello, is anyone there?” the voice—a distinctly rich and smooth female voice, accented—asked when I didn't respond to her initial greeting.

“I…I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number.” Surely I had. There was no rambling of the customary office name and “How may I help/direct your call?” that I'd expect from a receptionist of a business.

But before I could disconnect the line, the woman on the other end said, “No one ever dials this number by mistake, darling. You are looking for Katya?”

“Uh, yes. Dr. Katya Minkov,” I told her. “I was given this number by a colleague of hers, and—”

“Not hers, yours,” she interrupted.

“Excuse me?”

“I am Katya. And you are Shaw Matthews, are you not?”

Holy shit. How could she possibly know that? Duh. Caller ID.

“Jeremy, my precious secret agent, has already phoned ahead with his recommendation for you and your lover. I will meet with you tonight at eight
P.M.
, sharp.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” I said, anticipating an abrupt dial tone. “I don't know if we can do that.”

Eight o'clock? Who keeps those kinds of office hours?
Plus, that was Abe's bedtime, and if the way Cassidy was hugging his blanket had been any indication, I highly doubted she'd want to be separated from him for another night.

“Come, don't come. Makes no difference to me. The opportunity will not be presented again.” She quickly recited an address, and I had to scramble to find a pen to jot it down on the back of the card, hoping I'd gotten it right before the line went dead.

I pulled back the phone and looked at it as if there were going to be some kind of explanation for my confusing encounter on the screen. What a very weird way to start the day, and I had a feeling that phone call would not be the weirdest thing about Dr. Katya Minkov.

After I'd showered and dressed—hurriedly, since I was already running late for work—I went out to the main room and found Cassidy sitting at the bar counter with a cup of coffee and bowl of Apple Jacks, Abe's favorite, in front of her. She'd pulled her tangled hair into a haphazard ponytail and draped a robe over her boxer shorts and cami pajamas. Her shoulders were slumped and her socked feet propped up on the rungs of the stool as she pushed the little green and orange circles through the milk in a lazy manner. I couldn't tell if she was still half asleep or maybe just didn't know what to do with herself since Abe wasn't running around and using our living room furniture as a jungle gym while she begged him to sit and eat his breakfast. Either way, she simply looked…sad and lonely.

But I had news that would cheer her up, and even though I didn't have the time to, I went to the cabinet and got a bowl, determined that she wouldn't eat alone.

“Good morning,” I said, pouring my own cereal.

Cassidy looked at me, then to the clock on the wall, and back to me again, clearly confused. “Um, good morning. You're not working today?”

Putting the milk back into the refrigerator, I closed the door and looked down at myself and the business attire I wore every day. Arching a brow at the clear indication, I gave her an amused grin. “Yep,” I said, and then took the seat on the stool next to her.

“But you're going to be late.” Her statement sounded more like a question.

“Yep,” I repeated. “I think they can survive for a little bit without me while I have breakfast with my woman.”

“Oh. Okay.” She was clearly still confused, but resumed eating all the same.

We ate in silence for a time, neither of us quite sure what to say. I supposed it had been longer than I'd thought since it had just been the two of us alone like this. Maybe Abe had always filled the quiet before.

“So I made an appointment with Dr. Minkov this morning,” I told her, hoping to ease the awkwardness. “Or at least I think I made an appointment.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I didn't so much schedule an appointment as I was issued a directive that we should show up at eight o'clock tonight or not at all.”

“What?”

“Weird, right? Still,” I shrugged, “it's done.”

“But what about Abe? I don't like not having him here.”

“I know. Me neither. But like I said, it has to be tonight or not at all.”

Cassidy sighed. “This is too much, isn't it? Maybe we just shouldn't go.”

“What are you talking about? I want to go!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Come on, where's your sense of adventure?” My hand found her knee and I gave her a playful nudge. “I think it's going to be a lot of fun.”

She drew her head back, suspicious. “You do?”

“Are you kidding me? Sex,” I told her. “Prescribed sex, even. How could that
not
be fun?” I laughed, hoping she would, too.

She didn't, but she did smile. “I have no idea what to expect, to be honest, but if you're so gung ho about it, I guess we should at least give it a try.”

“That's the spirit!” I said, giving her knee a squeeze before finishing off my cereal.

“So what should we do about Abe, then?”

I shrugged, mostly because Cassidy was usually the one who took care of that sort of thing. That was my bad. Yet another example of the ways I'd failed at being a father. “Well, obviously he can't go with us. Do you think maybe Quinn will keep him again?”

Cassidy shook her head. “I'm sure he and Denver don't want to play house two nights in a row, though they'd never say it. They love spending time with him and all, but they also like sending him back home.” She nibbled her lip in contemplation as she stirred her cereal. “Oh, I know! Chaz and Demi have wanted some time with him. I'll call them.”

“Sounds like a plan,” I said, rinsing my bowl and putting it in the sink. “Sorry, but I've gotta run. Meet you at Monkey's for dinner before we head out to our next shrink?”

At the slight narrowing of her eyes, I laughed. “Kidding, kidding! I'll see you later.” Kissing the top of her head, I grabbed my briefcase and headed for the door.

“Shaw?”

I pulled up short and turned on my heel to face her. “Yeah?”

Cassidy set her spoon down and pushed the bowl away. “Why are you suddenly willing to do all of this? I mean, I'm glad”—her brow creased—“but why?”

I should've expected her suspicion, and I didn't blame her for asking about my intentions. I'd been tugging pretty damn hard in the opposite direction on this whole therapist thing, and I hadn't exactly been forthright about my feelings other than to tell her all the negatives. Call it a man thing or whatever, but it was time I came clean, time for me to show her a side of Shaw Matthews she rarely got a glimpse of, others not at all. “Because I can't
be
anywhere without you, either, Cassidy. Nor do I want to. So I'm all in. Just don't…don't give up on me.”

Cassidy looked contemplative but still nodded her acceptance of my answer, even though I could tell she was trying to make sense of my one-eighty. I set my briefcase down by the door and crossed the space between us. Cassidy twisted around on her stool toward me, eyes wide as she drew back, not quite sure what I was about to do.

The backs of my fingers caressed her cheek down to her chin and then I swept my thumb over her worried lip. Cassidy closed her eyes and slowly exhaled a breath I hadn't realized she'd been holding. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to hers with a firm yet gentle kiss. After a moment, she kissed me back, her mouth pliant and giving. I could taste the faint sugary sweetness from the cereal she'd just had, and I licked at her bottom lip for more of it. My tongue swept inside her mouth, coaxing hers into submission so I could show her. Show her that this was where I wanted to be, that she was the only woman I'd ever need, that I might not know how to convey my feelings for her sometimes, but that they were there and they were real.

We were breathing for each other by the time I broke the kiss, my forehead resting against hers as I tried to get my thoughts in line because the woman had a way of making me disoriented just from a single kiss.

Cassidy's eyes were still closed, almost as if she were saying a silent prayer, though I'd never known her to be a particularly religious person. I could feel the warmth of her breath as it fanned out against my lips, my cheeks, cooling as it spread over my neck. I saw it so clearly then, the resemblance of that one action, so intimate and vital, to our relationship. Like a breath, we were warm, red-hot, the closer to each other we remained, but if we let the distance come between us…that was when the coldness crept in.

I wasn't going to let that happen.

Cupping her face in both hands, I told her, “We're going to get through this. I need you to know we will, Cassidy, because I'm going to do the right thing by you. I'm not saying I'll be perfect along the way or that some asshole part of me won't come out when I get frustrated, but I'm going to
try
. Okay?”

Her nod was barely perceptible, but I felt it against my forehead.

Leaving the cocoon of our embrace, I pulled back and looked down at her. Cassidy's eyes were open but cast down toward her lap, where she was fidgeting with her fingers.

“Hey,” I said, and then waited for her to look up. She did, orbs the color of sprouting tufts of grass in the spring peering back at me with so much hope. “I love you.”

Her resulting grin was about as unexpected, yet finally genuine, as could be. Though I knew it didn't seem like a very masculine response, my heart fluttered in my chest and then filled with that “feel good” sort of warmth when her voice, ever so soft and sweet, said, “I love you, too.”