Coming Home (33 page)

Shutting the mudroom door, Roxanne muttered, “Uh, no, not exactly.” Her cheeks were flushed and she looked much like a Christian facing the lions.

While her scrambled brains hunted for a way out, Shelly stared at her, dawning excitement in her green eyes. Shelly was no dummy and Roxanne could almost see her working out the explanation.

“So this is why Jeb seemed to have disappeared lately,” Shelly said thoughtfully. “Mingo was complaining about it just the other day. Said his brother seemed to have vanished from the vicinity.” A big grin broke across her face. “Oh, wow! You and Jeb. I thought he might have a new lady friend, but I never suspected that the woman would be you.” She shook her head. “You and Jeb—that's a pairing I never considered—and believe me I've paired you with just about every single guy in the valley.” She hugged Roxanne's limp form. “This is just great! I always knew that sooner or later my favorite cousin would find the right woman. Those two wives of his were idiots—they didn't deserve him anyway. And as for all those other women—don't worry about any of them, he was just marking time.” She hugged Roxanne again. “Now tell me all—every lurid detail.”

Roxanne stared dazedly at Shelly's smiling face. How much to tell? Just as important, how was Jeb going to react when he found out that their affair was no longer secret? And where to begin? Oh, God! She wasn't ready for this. Or was she? Maybe she'd subconsciously planned for Shelly to find the dogs and leap to the right conclusion. It made Roxanne uncomfortable to think that she could be that sneaky and underhanded—even if she hadn't been aware of it.

“Um, well, ah, I guess you could say we started, urn, thinking differently about each other after your party,” she managed, still trying to avoid the moment of truth. The timer on the oven went off and swinging in that direction with relief, she babbled, “Our lunch is ready. Let me get that served first.”

If she thought she was going to deflect Shelly she sadly underestimated her opponent. Shelly didn't press while Roxanne busied herself putting out the green salad and ranch dressing and then serving the baked chicken breasts and red potatoes. Shelly even managed to hold her tongue when Roxanne fussed over selecting something for them to drink, finally settling on tall glasses of milk, when Shelly passed on white wine.

“Practicing to get pregnant, remember?” Shelly said quietly.

“Oh, right. Sorry.”

When Roxanne finally sat down at the table, Shelly picked up her fork and said, “OK. I've been a wonderful guest and sister-in-law, I haven't pushed, but you start talking right now or I'll just have to go back to Sloan with all sorts of wild suspicions and guesses.” She grinned. “You might as well tell me—I'm going to keep asking until you do. And once I tell Sloan …” She giggled. “Well, you know your big brother.”

Roxanne stared at her, wondering when Shelly had become so practiced in the arts of the Inquisition.

“So, give,” Shelly prodded when Roxanne continued to stare at her like a bird paralyzed by a snake. While she waited, Shelly took a bite of her chicken, closed her eyes, and gave a blissful moan. “Hmm, this is good—I didn't realize how hungry I was.” She swallowed the chicken. “So,” she said, deciding to give Roxanne a shove, “are you and Jeb living together or what?”

Roxanne started, and as if coming out of a daze, muttered, “Uh, not exactly. Sort of. He stays here a lot.”

Shelly smiled kindly at her. “See, that didn't hurt. Now tell Auntie Shelly the rest of it.”

Roxanne laughed weakly. “Shit, Shelly, I don't know what the rest of it is.”

Shelly nodded. “I know what you mean. For a time there, I couldn't decide about Sloan and me either. I knew I loved him, but I didn't know if I could trust him.” She took another bite. “Then I decided that I loved him and the only way I was going to find out if I could trust him was to love him. Simple when you think about it. You just follow your heart.”
“Easy for you to say,” Roxanne grumbled, picking at her food. “You and Sloan had a history together. Jeb and I … Well, I've spent most of my adult life thinking he was an arrogant jerk—and that was only when I wasn't thinking he was the biggest prick I'd ever known.”

“Obviously you've discovered you were wrong, right?”

Reluctantly Roxanne admitted, “Yes. I was wrong. He's not a
complete
jerk.”

Shelly laughed. “Oh, that's good— you’ ve not gone all soft and silly over him. It's bad for them when they think we adore them—even when we do.” She eyed Roxanne, her expression suddenly serious. “You
do
adore him, don't you?”

Appalled, Roxanne heard herself say, “Yes, yes I do. I'm so in love with him, I don't know what to do about it.”

“What's his take?” Shelly asked, her green eyes full of curiosity. “He's serious, I know that much.”

“You just found out about it, how can you possibly know that?”

“Easy. You say this has been going on since New Year's Day. It's now the end of February. Never known Jeb to hang around for more than two weeks. A month tops. And if you don't believe me, ask M.J.” Shelly grinned. “M.J. keeps track of that sort of thing. She says it keeps her from forgetting that all men are scum and that once they've gotten what they want from a woman, they're movin’ on down the road. Fast.”

“Thank you, I needed to hear that,” Roxanne said dryly.

Shelly leaned forward, her voice sincere. “Oh, Roxy, don't you see, they only do that while they're looking and waiting for the right one. You've done it yourself. You can't hold it against them. Besides, the poor dears are just men.” She grinned. “Once they find the right one, they're hooked—even if they struggle a bit before they give up and admit it. And remember M.J.'s opinion is colored by that nasty divorce of hers.”

Roxanne nodded. “Yeah, that'd do it for me.” She took a bite of salad and chewed. Swallowing, she looked across at Shelly. “And that's all I can tell you, because I haven't a clue what comes next.”

“OK, I accept that. You two need to work out your feelings. You're probably both scared. I know Jeb must be.”

Exasperated, Roxanne snapped, “And how do you know so much about him?”

“Come on, Roxy, use your head. The man's been married and divorced
twice
. There's probably all kinds of baggage he's carrying around. He's what, forty-five? He's been single for years. This will be a big step for him. He's bound to be gun-shy and cautious. And what about you? You've got some baggage of your own. What about that actor you almost married? And what about that photographer you lived with when you first went back to New York? Don't you think Jeb is wondering how he stacks up? You know women aren't the only ones who are uncertain when they fall in love. Think about it from his point of view. You're this glamorous world-famous model just returned from New York. Could have just about any man you want. How do you know he doesn't think you're just toying with
him
?”

Roxanne stared at her thunderstruck. “You think Jeb is afraid that I don't love him?” Her voice rose indignantly. “That I'm playing a game?”

Shelly shrugged. “Could be.” She looked at her. “Have you told him how you feel? Let him know that this means more to you than just playing house?”

“No … not exactly …” Roxanne swallowed, looking miserable. “I just can't come out and say ‘I love you.’ ”

“Why not? Assuming you do? This isn't the Victorian Age, you know. Women are allowed to express their feelings.”

Roxanne looked away, played with her spoon. “What if he doesn't love
me
?” she asked in a low voice. “What if he's just passing time? What if I'm the only one thinking what we share is forever?”

“Well, first of all, Jeb never struck me as a dunce—he's a smart man and, in my humble estimation, a smart man would reach out and grab you with both hands. You're a catch. And so is he. He's crazy if he doesn't realize how perfect the two of you are together.”

“Yeah, but …”

Shelly leaned forward. “All right, let's assume the worst. Let's assume that he
is
playing with you. That he doesn't love you. Wouldn't you rather know that than live in a false world?”

Roxanne nodded. “I know you're right but I'm still scared to death—guess because it never really mattered before.” Roxanne looked at her plate. “It's funny,” she said ruefully, “I've never been shy when it came to men. Never had to be—they just fell at my feet and I decided which one I wanted.”

“And Jeb doesn't appear to worship at your feet?”

Roxanne grinned. “Are you kidding? Absolutely not! And the interesting thing is that I wouldn't want him if he did.” She grimaced. “It's awfully hard being put on a pedestal and being adored.”

“OK, so what are you going to do?”

Roxanne took a deep breath. “I don't know. It all happened so fast—one minute I hated his guts and the next I'm hopelessly in love with him.” She eyed Shelly. “I don't suppose I could convince you to keep your mouth shut for a while?”

Shelly's eyes gleamed. “Oh, wow, are you going to owe me big time. Sure. If I can tell Sloan—and as you know your big brother is good at keeping secrets. He won't let the cat out of the bag.”

Roxanne didn't like it, but she figured it was the best she was going to get. “Thanks. And when I've resolved the problem, you'll be the first to know.”

They finished their lunch in perfect harmony, talking about the weather, the worries about the lack of rain, Shelly and Nick's Granger Cattle Company, Sloan's budding paint horse operation, and Roxanne's ideas for growing flowers and maybe having a place for harried celebrities to hide away. Shelly was enthusiastic about both projects.

“You know,” she said, “you might even be able to drag Ilka into it. She needs something to do besides living in your parents’ shadow and volunteering at the high school and Willits Hospital.”

“I know.” Roxanne made a face. “I suppose you've heard about my attempts to pry her loose from her veil of sorrow?”

Shelly nodded. “I thought it was great, but Sloan wasn't so sure. He says that Ilka is going to have to make the break all by herself. That we can provide the opportunities, but she's the one who has to take them.”
“I said it before and I'll say it again, how did my brother get to be such a smart man?”

They both laughed.

“Don't heap too many praises on his head—he's puffed up enough with himself as it is,” Shelly said wryly. She took a deep breath. “We've gotten the fertility test results back.”

“And?”

“And you and Sloan were right. According to the tests there is no obvious reason why I shouldn't get pregnant. We're both healthy and fertile.”

Roxanne smiled happily. “What great news! Aren't-you thrilled?”

Shelly shrugged. “Yes and no. I now know there's no physical reason for me not getting pregnant, but here it's seven, eight months later after we got married and I'm still not pregnant.”

Roxanne reached across and laid her hand on Shelly's. “Maybe you need to take another approach.”

“If you say relax and enjoy it. Or take a second honeymoon. Or have some wine and Valium, I'm going to hit you.”

“Nope, nothing like that. Let's take a dark view. Let's suppose, for whatever reasons, you
never
get pregnant. How would you feel about that?”

“Like a failure,” Shelly said in a low voice. “Like I cheated Sloan. Denied him something he desperately wanted.”

“Would Sloan feel that you've cheated him? Is he making you feel guilty?”

Shelly looked shocked. “Oh, good God, no! He feels like he's denying
me
something that I want desperately. He's as eaten up with guilt for his part in this as I am.” She laughed unhappily. “He feels that he's denying me—he wants me to have anything I want and I feel the same about him.”

“OK, let's go a step further. If there was only yourself to consider, don't think about him, just you, how would you feel if you never had a child?”

Shelly frowned. Thought for several minutes, then said slowly, “I'd be disappointed, shattered even, but it wouldn't be the end of the world … as long as Sloan loved me.”

“Maybe it wouldn't be the end of the world for Sloan either. Maybe he feels that as long as you love him, that life's pretty damn good. Maybe you two need to talk about that.”

Shelly squeezed Roxanne's hand, their eyes meeting. “You know, your brother isn't the only one in the family who's smart,” Shelly said. “You're pretty damn smart yourself.” She grinned and added, “For a Ballinger, that is.”

“Yeah, well, for a Granger, you're not so dumb yourself.”

Chapter
16

W
ith Shelly's words about Ilka buzzing in her brain, after Shelly had driven away that afternoon, Roxanne called her sister.

Helen Ballinger answered the phone and Roxanne and her mother spent a few minutes catching up on the latest family news.

“Have you had that terrible flu virus that's going around the valley?” Helen asked eventually. “Your father had it two weeks ago and Ilka the week before that. So far I've escaped, but it's awful and seems to hang on forever. Your father still isn't up to par, but Ilka seems to have bounced back. I understand that Cleo was out almost a week with it at the end of the January and at the Lioness meeting last night, nearly everyone was complaining about it—they'd all either had it or someone in their family had.”

“Knock on wood, so far, I haven't caught it.” Roxanne laughed. “Probably because I'm isolated up here and not mingling with you sickly valley folk.”

“Probably,” Helen agreed. “But if you do come down with it, don't be foolish and try to tough it out by yourself. Let us know so someone can come and stay with you for the first couple of days—that seems to be the worst patch. And don't tell me that you're a big girl and can take care of yourself—you're always going to be my little girl—whether you like it or not.”

Roxanne chuckled, touched by her mother's words.

“OK. OK. Mom, I surrender. If I get sick, I'll call. I promise. Now let me talk to Ilka.”

To her astonishment, Ilka was not home.

Helen laughed. “I know, I know. We all expect Ilka to always be around, but Pagan Granger talked her into driving to Santa Rosa to look at computers today.”