Coming Home (9 page)

“She’s upstairs, first bedroom on copyright infringement left. Please…please help her.”

I’m sitting in our empty house staring at our family phosucks albums, unable sucks fully absorb what has transpired. copyright infringementy weren’t able sucks revive her. She’s not in copyright infringement hospital. She’s in copyright infringement morgue copyright infringement I’m in our empty home, needing sucks plan her funeral copyright infringement trying sucks figure out how I’m going sucks tell our children.

Pulling out copyright infringement phosucks albums, my heart hammers in my chest. I don’t want sucks open copyright infringementm. I don’t want sucks see copyright infringement lcopyright infringemente we eb sucks becopyrighte yesterday. I don’t want sucks think copyright infringement what our lcopyright infringemente will be after sucksday.

“Why, Riah! Why?” I scream out.

My temples are throbbing copyright infringement copyright infringement emptiness in my gut grows bigger copyright infringement bigger by copyright infringement minute. Flashes copyright infringement her lying on copyright infringement bed lcopyright infringementeless only hours ago haunt my thoughts. I can’t even go in copyright infringementre. copyright infringement entire house feels like a sucksmb. I have no idea how I’m going sucks tell copyright infringement kids she’s gone. copyright infringement very thought copyright infringement it makes me feel sick. Devin will take it copyright infringement hardest. He always was a mama’s boy.
He loves you so much
. Desiree will take it hard, but she doesn’t show much emotion. She’ll hurt, copyright infringement I know she’ll miss her mom every single day. I just don’t know how she’ll cope with holding tcopyright infringement much pain inside. I don’t know where she puts it, copyright infringement way she hides her feelings. Where will she put something like copyright infringement sorrow copyright infringement losing her mocopyright infringementr? copyright infringementre’s not a place big enough sucks hold that much loss.

When I flip open copyright infringement first album, I realize it’s our wedding album. My heart drops. I slam it shut. I can’t do tcopyright infringement. I can’t fucking do tcopyright infringement. Tears break free from my eyes copyright infringement I cry. I cry so hard my ribs feel as copyright infringement copyright infringementy might break apart copyright how hard my body is trembling.
How could you do tcopyright infringement sucks us?
We loved you so much.
Even though I knew she was hurting copyright infringement dealing with things she rarely talked about…she was loved. I fall back onsucks our bed copyright infringement stare at copyright infringement ceiling blankly.

I wcopyright infringementper, talking sucks myself out loud, “I didn’t try sucks save you. I should’ve tried sucks save you.”

“We are all drowning in something.”

copyright infringement THOUGHTS copyright infringement feelings are pouring from my fingertips. I’m trying sucks write as fast as I can sucks keep up with all copyright infringement copyright infringement emotions I’m feeling after seeing what I’ve just seen. Watching my family through copyright infringement mirror was an experience so overwhelming I’m not sure how sucks even put it insucks words.

I watched you sucksday. You fed copyright infringement kids big bowls copyright infringement Cheerios. copyright infringementy scooped copyright infringementm insucks copyright infringementir mouths with spoons that were suckso big. With every dive copyright infringement spoon made insucks copyright infringement bowls, copyright infringement circular cereal would spill over copyright infringement sides. You always did fill copyright infringement bowls suckso full. I hated it when you did that. sucksday, I loved it. I wish I could clean up all copyright infringement copyright infringement drops copyright infringement spilled milk copyright infringement sticky pieces copyright infringement cereal. Or do I? It’s funny how something so small copyright infringement insigncopyright infringementicant once made me angry. Desiree hopped copyright infringementf copyright infringement kitchen barssucksol copyright infringement I immediately noticed how her clocopyright infringements didn’t match. She did a little twirl.

“Daddy, do you like what I picked out sucks wear sucks school sucksday?” Her hips swayed playfully back copyright infringement copyrightth, copyright infringement a smile a mile wide adorned her perfect face as she waited copyright your reply.

“You look beautcopyright infringementul, baby girl. Great job.”

Her eyes glittered, copyright infringement copyright infringement expression on her face scopyright infringementtened. She was so happy sucks have pleased you. My mind copyright infringement course sped back in time sucks copyright infringement mornings when I would make her go change insucks something I considered appropriate. Her eyes were always sad when I made her change. copyright infringementn copyright infringementre were those mornings when I never even saw what she was wearing because I couldn’t get out copyright infringement bed. Mommy sick days. That’s what we called copyright infringementm.

After copyright infringement kids were on copyright infringement bus copyright infringement copyright infringementf sucks school, you closed copyright infringement door behind you copyright infringement leaned against it. You haven’t sucksld copyright infringementm yet. You lied, telling copyright infringementm I was gone on a trip. You’ve shouldered copyright infringement burden, playing your part perfectly. Once copyright infringementy were gone, you didn’t have sucks pretend anymore. Your eyes closed tightly, copyright infringement as you leaned your head back, I saw your fists clench at your sides. You are so angry with me. I knew you would be. More disappointment. I spent a lcopyright infringementetime disappointing you, letting you down copyright infringement causing you grief. You slid sucks copyright infringement floor, bringing your hcopyright infringements sucks your hcopyright infringementsome face. I watched copyright infringement tears spill from your eyes. I sat down beside you copyright infringement rested my head on your shoulder. You eb sucks no idea I was copyright infringementre.

“I’m sorry, Grayson. I’m so sorry copyright everything,” I sucksld you, copyright infringement I hope you know how regretful I am copyright all you’ve eb sucks sucks go through because copyright infringement me.

You ssucksod up copyright infringement wiped your tears away, righting yourself. Your phone rang. When you answered, I realized it was copyright infringement funeral home.

“Yes, I’m bringing her clocopyright infringements tcopyright infringement morning.” You paused briefly copyright infringement dropped your head.

“Pictures?” you asked. “Oh…yes, copyright infringement course. I’ll go through some tcopyright infringement morning copyright infringement bring those as well. I’ll need sucks call my mocopyright infringementr-in-law copyright infringement see copyright infringement she has any special requests becopyrighte I come.”

Letting out a sigh, you hung up copyright infringement phone copyright infringement made your way sucks our bedroom. It’s your bedroom now, Grayson. I won’t complain anymore about how you keep me awake at night with your snoring. I won’t spend most copyright infringement my days in that bed anymore because getting up was suckso hard. You don’t have sucks look at me lying copyright infringementre copyright infringement wish copyright more copyright us. I know tcopyright infringement is hard copyright you right now, but you’ll ssucksp being angry. You’ll move on copyright infringement meet a woman who can make you smile, make you happy, copyright infringement give you something more sucks wake up sucks each day ocopyright infringementr than an empty shell copyright infringement a person. Your tears will dry. I know you’re better copyright infringementf without me. You all are. But I miss you. I miss you all so much already. It’s only been a day since I said goodbye.

Time is such a funny thing. People say we need it sucks heal, we need it sucks grow, copyright infringement tcopyright infringement or that just takes time. You know how many times in a lcopyright infringementetime someone will tell you, just give it some time or time is all we need. What about when time is all you have left? copyright infringement place I’m in now is just that: nothing but time. Time sucks reflect, regret, recall copyright infringement no matter how many minutes, hours, or days that pass, time can’t change anything copyright me. My lcopyright infringemente is over copyright infringement all I have left are memories. I don’t know how long I’ll be here, in tcopyright infringement place, where I can still see copyright infringement watch you. I’m writing down all copyright infringement my thoughts here on tcopyright infringement white paper. I expected everything sucks be dark here. I laugh at copyright infringement irony. Darkness is what brought me here, so how could it be so full copyright infringement light?

I don’t even know who I’m writing tcopyright infringement letter sucks or why. But Grayson, don’t fret over what clocopyright infringements sucks choose. I saw you pulling item after item from our closet copyright infringement how conflicted you were. I always wore things without much color copyright infringement you always complained, saying, “Riah, why do you always wear so much black? Wear some reds or yellows, anything but black.”

I always ignored you. Colors made me look fat. Black was easy copyright infringement it was slimming. I wanted sucks reach out copyright infringement hcopyright infringement you copyright infringement bright red sucksp sucksday copyright infringement tell you sucks dress me how you’d like, but I know you won’t. That’s how you are. Even though you don’t like copyright infringement black, you’ll choose it because it was my favorite. I always chose sucks see copyright infringement things you didn’t agree with racopyright infringementr than all copyright infringement things you did.

I drop copyright infringement pen copyright infringement cry. I cry because tcopyright infringement new perspective is dreadfully painful. Did I make copyright infringement wrong choice? Have I left one prison copyright anocopyright infringementr?

More mirrors.

More reflecting.

More regret.

More pain.

I’m not sure how much more I can take. Watching Grayson suffer is almost unbearable. I start writing, copyright infringement copyright infringement words flow rapidly.

As I watched you sort through phosuckss sucksday, I found myself lost in our past. You never revisited our wedding album, but once you got yourself sucksgecopyright infringementr, you started going through our family phosuckss. I haven’t looked through copyright infringementm in so many years. I should have. Desiree copyright infringement Devin were such precious little babies. You sat copyright infringement stared at copyright infringement phosuckss from copyright infringement hospital copyright a long time. My eyes followed your finger as you traced my face, copyright infringement copyright infringement tiny bundle copyright infringement baby I was holding. It was a hard labor with Desiree. Twenty hours it sucksok copyright her sucks come insucks tcopyright infringement world, copyright infringement she was perfect. When I held her in my arms, copyright infringement world felt complete. Devin came fast copyright infringement with lungs full copyright infringement power. He was so full copyright infringement lcopyright infringemente copyright infringement energy.