Coming Home Again (A Coming Home Again Novel Book 1) (12 page)

I stayed
that long weekend and never left. Every night I locked myself in my room, but
he never tried to enter that space. Believe it or not, for the remaining two
and half years of college, Lucas never stepped one foot into my bedroom. When
he made a point, he didn’t do it halfheartedly. But I promise you I never
forgot to lock that door behind me and even placed my desk chair under the knob
every single night I slept there. Most importantly, my grades improved and I
was able to stay in college.

Lucas’s
apartment was deemed the hangout spot because his buddies were exiled to either
dorm life or a frat house. Most weekends you could easily find a small
gathering. The typical activity was a big screen viewing of some ballgame and
consuming large quantities of pizza and hot wings. Beer keg parties were found
at the frat houses and sexual menageries were hidden in dorm rooms, but Lucas’s
place seemed to be the safe haven where people could leave the peer pressures
and social expectations at the door. I know that was exactly the way I felt
about it.

Lucas’s
friends were a loyal, tight group, and I was surprised at how easily they
welcomed me in. Don’t ask me how someone as damaged by the male species issues
as myself would actually feel comfortable being surrounded by such a bunch. I’m
a tomboy through and through, so I know that made it easier. Sports and pizza
were right up my alley. I also trusted Lucas, and I knew he wouldn’t let
anything happen to me. Oddly, he was the first and, up until this day, the only
male I completely trusted.

It didn’t
hurt that the guys got a lesson early on in our friendship about my no contact
rule. This became crystal clear one afternoon while watching our Gamecocks team
crush the opposing team at an away game. Miles made the mistake of grabbing me
up in a fierce bear hug in celebration. The result of this landed Miles with a
broken nose. After what I endured with Evan, I had vowed to myself to never be
touched by a man against my will ever again.

My fist landed
one brisk blow before I knew what came over me. “No one touches me!” I screamed
at the stunned group of guys before retreating to my room for the remainder of
the evening. I know someone took Miles over to the on-campus clinic to get his
nose checked out, but I suppose the rest stayed and helped Lucas clean up. I
was too embarrassed to find out either way.

The next
morning, while sitting in silence at the dining table with a cup of coffee, I
caught Lucas studying my bruised knuckles as though he was waiting for my hand
to explain my bizarre outburst. My hand gave no explanation, and Lucas seemed
to think better about outright asking.

Honestly, I
had no regrets about punching Miles. He is a great guy, one of my dearest
friends to this day, actually. He was just excited over the game, but I showed
Lucas and myself that I had limits and would not stand to be pushed over them.

Lucas
respected my boundaries and never attempted to cross them. Not until midway
through our junior year at least. If it weren’t for the overwhelming attack
that crushed me, he would have received a broken nose that night just as Miles
did.

I
reluctantly remember that miserable day, with Jean on a constant phone war with
me. She had been calling almost every day, trying to persuade me into not
finishing the spring semester so I could move back to Bay Creek to help
complete some renovations planned for the family businesses before the tourist
season got underway. I think she was secretly trying to make me live up to my
reputation of not being able to complete anything I started. Heaven forbid I
prove her wrong. She forgot to take in the fact that I’m just as stubborn as I
am a procrastinator—so I showed her.

“You need
to come home to help your father out. John Paul hasn’t got an ounce of gumption
when it comes to the market or restaurant,” Jean said. “You’re being selfish
and just wasting time at that school. You don’t even have a major.”

I had heard
this conversation repeatedly since I arrived my freshman year and was sick of
it. I had finally declared business as a major. I did this just so I could be
in more classes with Lucas, but that was beside the point.

After
hanging up on her and shutting my cell phone off, I walked into the kitchen
where Lucas was loading the fridge with drinks. He was getting ready for a
movie night with the guys, and had rented the latest Die Hard movie for us to
watch. I leaned against the counter and shuffled through the pizza menus he had
set out. I skimmed my eyes over him as he continued to load the fridge. It
amazed me how Lucas could make a tattered black hoodie, faded jeans, and bare
feet look so appealing. He was too dang adorable with his curly hair still damp
from his recent shower. He glanced over at me and caught me checking him out. I
am who I am, so I answered his questioning look with a so-what shrug.

Never one
to tease me, he gave me a slight smirk in acknowledgement before asking, “What
type of pizza do you want to order?”

I shrugged
my shoulders in answer. He seemed to catch something off with my silent
gestures, so Lucas closed the fridge door and leaned against it to study me.
“What’s up?” The worry glinted in his golden eyes. He didn’t miss much and was
able to read people remarkably well. I suppose this comes in quite handy in his
business profession as well as having such a closed-off wife.

“Nothing.”

He pushed
away from the fridge, grabbed the kitchen phone, and placed a call. “Hey man.
Something’s come up. We’re going to have to cancel tonight.”

I didn’t
wait for the rest of the conversation. There was no need in trying to make
Lucas change his decision. Once he made up his mind on something, that was
that. I was embarrassed for being the reason for the cancelled plans, so I
retreated to my room to sulk. Nearly an hour later, I decided to take a drive.

When I opened the door, I was surprised
to find Lucas sitting on the floor in front of me.

“What on earth are you doing sitting in
the hall?” I asked, confused.

“Making sure you didn’t try for a fast
getaway.” He chuckled quietly as he stood. “Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said
and then tried to close myself back into my room.

Lucas stepped closer to the door
threshold but was careful not to cross it. “Come on, Savannah, we’ll just hang
out if that’s what you want. I promise not to ask one question all night.”

I could tell it really bothered him
that I kept things to myself, but he was good at his word and didn’t ask
another question all night. We ended up making it into a joke. He tortured us
with CNN, something neither one of us ever watched, for nearly a half hour
before I caught on to what he was doing.

“Sorry. I promised not to
ask
you anything, so I can’t
ask
you what you want to watch,” he said
remorsefully.

“You’re not funny,” I said in a deadpan
voice. We both knew he was incredibly funny. I grabbed the remote and manned
our television programming for the remainder of the evening.

He later brought me a glass of root
beer from the fridge, knowing of course that I couldn’t stand the syrupy sweet taste
of his favorite soda. Thinking it was plain soda, I took a big gulp and gagged.
He’d dramatically shrugged his shoulders with a sheepish look and said that he
couldn’t
ask
me what I wanted. That
earned him a punch in the arm. He eventually drew me out of my funk, and we
spent the rest of the night watching a comedy channel. Laughter really is good
medicine.

Or it seemed to be until I dozed off on
the couch and right into a nightmare. It was the one where I was dancing with
the devil in a dark field that was engulfed in flames and he had tried to
smother me by holding me forcefully against his chest. I snapped out of the
nightmare in a panic and totally lost it when I found myself locked in a
sleeping Lucas’s arms. He somehow ended up lying behind me on the couch with
his arm wrapped tightly around my waist.

Instincts kicked in and I began to try
to push him off. I struggled until he woke up with a start to find me freaking
out. The tingling sensation had overpowered my entire body and the
hyperventilation was past the point of no return. I wiggled my way to the floor
and started crawling languidly across the room to get away from him.

“Savannah?” Lucas asked frantically.

I could barely hear him over the
ringing in my ears. I had no voice, so I couldn’t answer him. All I could do
was shake my head no and hold my hands out to keep him at bay. I backed myself
into the hallway and couldn’t unscramble my thoughts enough to figure out how
to get through the darn thing.

Lucas was nearly freaking out himself by
witnessing me in such a meltdown. He would take a step closer and then back off
in an anxious dance once he realized it made me panic even worse. I watched as
he dragged his hands through his hair and then raised them in desperation
before running out of the room.

He had just been witness to one of my
hidden demons and there was no escaping it. The trembling overtook my body and
my vision blurred before going completely dark.

I woke up in the emergency room, not
knowing how I managed to get there, with Lucas by my side. Embarrassed and
defeated, I said nothing as I watched him watch over me from his chair.

“You had a severe panic attack.” He
answered my unspoken question in his hushed voice. He sat up straighter in his
chair but made no move to near me, and I was thankful. “They gave you a
sedative and said I can take you home after you wake up.” His eyes were a
vigorous green on this night and held many questions that I had no desire to
answer.

I was beginning to worry I had let this
man get too close to me. I felt the need to confess. He had a right to know
that there was no healthy future with me. Without meeting his gaze, I admitted,
“I don’t want to let you down Lucas, but I’m too damaged and it’s too dark
inside.” I placed my hand sluggishly over my broken heart.

He shook his head slightly before
walking out of the small hospital room. With no other choice, I focused my
disappointment on the IV pricking the top of my hand. My nose and eyes stung as
though they were summoning tears, but I knew they would not arrive. I knew I
needed to let Lucas go. It wasn’t right to include him in the nightmare I lived
privately.

I was wrestling with going home to Bay
Creek permanently as I lay there. It was the only place I sort of fit in, and I
knew I could dig my grave there and no one would be affected or stand in my
way. As I contemplated this, Lucas returned with a doctor in tow.

“Good morning, Savannah. I’m Dr.
Jacobs.” While the grey-haired doctor looked over my chart, I glanced at the
clock and discovered it was well past three in the morning. He signed a
prescription pad before tearing it off and handing it over to Lucas. “I’m
prescribing you a small amount of Xanax to hold you over until you can make an
appointment to see a doctor about your panic attacks. Take one pill at the
first sign of an attack and never mix it with alcohol. If you don’t have any
questions, I’m going to send a nurse in to remove the IV and let you go home.
Is that okay with you?” He waited for an answer, so I nodded my head. I guess at
three in the morning that was answer enough because he shuffled back out the
door.

Later that same day, after sleeping the
remainder of the sedative off, I awoke parched like a dry desert. I shuffled
out of bedroom to find some relief and came to a halt by the door. I found
Lucas sitting in the hall across from my room as though he were keeping guard.
With his knees drawn towards his chest and head resting on the wall, those
hazel eyes looked up and begged for answers. I had never seen him in such a state
of dishevelment—emitting weariness both physically and emotionally.

“All I wanted to do was hold you last
night,” he said. “What did I do wrong, Savannah?”

He was blaming himself for my issues
and I had to let him off the hook. I joined him in the hall and slid down to
the floor, careful to keep distance between us in the cramped space. His somber
eyes never left mine, and I knew I needed to help him understand none of it was
his fault.

“You did nothing wrong. I told you,
Lucas. I’m damaged.” He began to shake his head no, but I stopped him. “I’m
serious.” I placed my hand back over my heart for emphasis. “I’m
broken,
and there’s no fixing it…” My
voice strained in defeated pain.

“We can get you some help.”

“I don’t think I’m fixable,” I said,
but he kept shaking his head in silent protest.

“You won’t know until you try, and I
think it’s time. I’ve watched you for three years now carrying this burden
around and letting it cripple you.”

I sniffed the stinging sensation away
in my nose as I sat there trying to talk myself into disappearing. This
lifesaver sitting before me was making it nearly impossible. Lucas was like
warm sunshine, and all I wanted to do was to figure out how I could bask freely
in it for the rest of my life.

He seemed to sense me wrestling with my
demons so he ever so slowly eased his hand across the floor, welcoming me to
take it.