Coming of Age (7 page)

Oh shit, what the hell was right. He gave her those letters three weeks ago. He’d probably expected to hear from her long before now. Maybe he thought she’d dismissed them or had not considered them important.

After all, as far as he was concerned, she’d walked away from him without a second thought; she’d chosen a chance at a career over him.

She thought about it for a few moments then put the phone down. Maybe she should give him some space.

Olivia waited three days. She was sitting on her bed, going over contact sheets from a shoot but not seeing what she was looking at. Her focus was shot and would be until she talked to Max.

Hoping that he would answer, she called his number. He picked up on the second ring.

“What?”

“It’s not what you think, Max.”

“What isn’t what I think?”

“Everything.”

“Oh?” She could hear the hurt and anger in his voice. “So I just got it all wrong?”

“Yes. I mean no. You just got one part wrong.”

“Really? And what part was that?”

“You thought I left because I didn’t love you.”

“And that’s not the reason?”

“No, Max, it’s not. I left because I did.”

She was suddenly seized with another attack of emotions. Before simple tears could turn to sobs, she hung up.

Her phone rang. She looked at it. It was him. She couldn’t talk to him. Not now. Not when she was overwhelmed with emotion.

Then when?
A voice inside asked.
Haven’t you run from this long enough?

That inner voice was right. She picked up the phone.

“You want to explain that, Livi?” he asked.

“Yes, but not now,” she replied, trying not to let him know that she was crying.

“Then when?”

“Soon. I have to see you.”

“You want me to come to you?”

“No, Max. I’ll come to you.”

“When?”

“Soon. I have to go, Max.”

“Livi?”

“What?”

“Are you crying?”

She almost lied. “Yes.”

There was a long silence. She almost thought he’d hung up on her again. She even looked at her iPhone to see if the clock on the conversation was still counting. The call was still live.

“Do you remember our prom?” he asked. “Our song?”

A smile came to her face as the memory surfaced. “Yes, I do.”

“So, do I. See you soon, Livi.”

The line went dead. Olivia lay back on the bed and closed her eyes. Why had he mentioned the prom? Letting her eyes close, she drifted back into memory.

May 2001

Olivia wondered if it was a mistake. Max had been adamant about not going to his senior prom. His parents didn’t understand and he wouldn’t tell them why he didn’t want to go.

She knew. Max wanted to be with her. He didn’t want another girl. She’d known beyond all doubt after that kiss at the beach. It hadn’t gone any further than a kiss and had not happened but once since, but the damage was done. To both of them, she feared.

How to reconcile with the feelings she had for him was proving to be almost impossible, but she had to think about more than her feelings. She’d had all of the experiences Max would deny himself for her. Proms and graduation trips, college years and the first foray out into the world alone. She’d experienced that. He had not.

And she couldn’t deny him that. If she did, there would come a time he would resent what he had missed.

She made it her mission to convince him to go to the prom but he was stubborn. Finally, in desperation she made a deal with him. If he’d find a date and go to the prom, she would be there. She’d offer to take pictures at no charge. It would be their prom and they’d have their dance.

Finally, he’d relented and asked a friend, a girl who would not otherwise have gotten the chance to go.

Now, here they were, her busily lining up couples to snap photos of and him looking uncomfortable and unhappy, sitting at a table with a large girl wearing a pink dress and miserable expression.

Olivia had little time to do more that cut glances his way until all of the couples had posed for their pictures. She packed up her camera, took it to her car, and then returned to the gym where the prom was being held.

Max was sitting alone. Olivia looked around and spotted the girl he’d brought with a group of girls, huddled on one side of the gym, talking.

She went to speak to the DJ the walked over and sat down at the table with Max. “Having fun?”

“Does it look like it?”

She grimaced. “Sorry. But I’m glad you came.”

“Why?

“Because they’re about to play our song.”

His eyes lit and he smiled when she stood and offered her hand. She pulled Max to the dance floor. They had just reached it when the song she’d requested started to play.

Max looked down at her and she smiled up at him. “Dance with me, Max.”

He took her in his arms, and her resolve to keep their relationship casual and not allow herself to fall any deeper was ripped away. She allowed herself those precious moments and melted against him.

Their steps fell into sync, swaying to the soft words that spoke feelings Olivia could not express. She rested her head against his chest, hearing the thrum of his heart, feeling his arms tighten to pull her closer.

She wished she didn’t want Max that she didn’t care about him. It would be so much easier for both of them. It hurt more than she could express, knowing that she had to steer him away from her. But what else could she do? Let him give up experiences that were so important to try and build something with her that was doomed?

She could imagine the ridicule and derision they’d receive if they tried to be a real couple. She’d be the cradle robber who couldn’t find a real man so she seduced a boy. And he’d be the ignorant boy who didn’t know any better than to fall victim to an older woman’s lust.

It would be horrible and in time he’d come to hate her for it.

Olivia pushed away those thoughts and let herself pretend for a few minutes that they were just a normal couple in love, sharing a dance.

The Present

Olivia grabbed her phone and ran a search on iTunes. A minute later Cindy Lauper sang to her about being lost and found – time after time. Olivia wondered if that was possible.

She had lost faith in love a long time ago, lost faith in herself and what she felt. Was it possible to recapture something that had been lost for so long?

She didn’t know but she wanted to find out. The only way she was going to do that was to admit what she wanted. Even now, that was monumentally difficult for her. Those old fears still lurked inside, waiting to pounce.

Olivia got her tablet and inserted a memory card containing duplicates of the shots she did during Max’s interview. She clicked on one she’d taken when he was looking directly at her.

What was in his eyes? Had she lost the ability to read him or did his eyes mirror the emotions he expressed in his letters? Did he still have feelings for her or were his feelings for the person she’d been ten years ago?

That question suddenly clicked in her mind and opened a door that had been long closed. Max was just like her. He was in love with the “what if.” What if she had not left? What if they had stayed together?

It was the romance of lost love that drove them, each in a different direction, and each to a place where they lost the ability to let anyone else in because they clung so tightly to that romantic notion of “what if.”

All the sessions of therapy and advice from her friend Lydia finally made sense. Olivia had to take a hard look at what she felt and recognize it for what it was. She had to come clean with Max so that she could move forward. Otherwise, she was going to spend the rest of her life where she was now, screwed up and unable to establish a relationship because nothing ever measured up to the fantasy she carried in her head of the romantic tragedy of Max and Olivia.

She made a pot of coffee and settled on the sofa with all of the letters and photos spread on the coffee table in front of her. Her eyes moved over them, mentally putting them in chronological order and searching for a place to start.

One photo jumped out. A photo she’d taken of Max and his parents at graduation. They were beaming with pride. Max had not only graduated with honors, but thanks to his grades, photos he’d taken while working with her and several short stories he’d written he’d been offered a full scholarship to UCLA.

Olivia smiled at the photo and let memories take her back in time.

June 2001

Olivia stood back, snapping shots of Max with his friends and his parents. She had met his folks once but didn’t feel comfortable intruding on a family moment. It was easy to tell from the smiles on their faces how proud they were of Max.

She was proud of him, too. Not just of him graduating at the top of his class, but at how he’d walked across that stage with his head high. Six months ago, Max would have watched his feet. Now, he might not have all the confidence in the world, but he no longer kept his eyes on the ground. He’d matured a lot over the six months she’d known him.

Did she have anything to do with that, she wondered. As she asked the question, he spotted her. His smile was bright enough to light a city, full of excitement. He broke away from the group of friends and hurried over to her.

“You came.”

“I told you I wouldn’t miss it for anything. Congratulations Max.”

“Thanks.” Their eyes met and held. It was an intimate as an embrace, Max’s eyes communicated so succinctly. Were they alone, he would have hugged her. He hoped she would hug him.

She did, but it was a short, friendly hug. “I’m so proud for you,” she said as she drew back. She saw his friend approaching. “I better go. You have plans.”

“You sure you won’t change your mind and come to the beach?”

“No. I can’t Max. This is your time – you and your friends.”

“But it’s my birthday on Saturday. I want to spend it with you.”

Livi gave his arm a quick squeeze. “We’ll celebrate when you get home, okay? I have to go.”

“Livi, wait!” He called as she turned and walked away.

She looked over her shoulder to see his friends Derrick and Jason crowd in on him and drag him away. She saw the beseeching look in Max’s eyes and it caused a little twist in her gut.

But this was for the best. Max would go spend time with his friends, drink, party, and maybe even hook up with some girls his own age. He might return completely over the crush he had on her.

The question was, would she be over the crush she had on him?

Two days later, she knew the answer. She missed him. Missed his voice, his laugh, the way he teased her and the way he looked at her. And tomorrow was his birthday.

She’d asked him weeks ago what he wanted for his birthday and he’d said to be with her. Every time she’d asked since then the answer had been the same.

Now, she considered it. Max would be leaving in August. He’d gotten a scholarship to UCLA. They had only two more months.

What would be the harm? She asked herself. She’d go spend the afternoon and evening with him, take him to dinner, buy him a drink or two. They’d laugh and talk, maybe even go to a club and dance. It would be fun. And she would have honored his request.

Excited at how surprised he would be, she got on the phone to try and find a hotel with a vacancy. The only thing she could find was in Pawley’s Island, about 40 miles south of Myrtle Beach where Max was staying with his friends.