Commitments (22 page)

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

that moment she did. Derek's caring acted on her like a master's brush, painting beauty where there had been none. He made her feel feminine and confident. She wanted the first and needed the last. Very badly. 221 '

think you'd better leave/ he whispered, dropping a soft kiss on the tip of her nose. ' not, I'm apt to get rough. I can feel it comin& and you're not helping.' Sabrina could feel it coming, too. His arousal was very real, not complete but getting there. ' dear/ she murmured. '"Oh dear" is right.' ' I step back ... or waitv Derek took a good look around the prison yard. He saw an inmate named Foss, a specialist in armed robbery, and Webber, who had earned hard time by selling crack to a group of high-schoolers, one of whom had later died. He saw Hamhock, whose real name was as much a mystery as his crime and whose reputation was based on his way with his fists. Then there were the guards. Derek looked from one to another of them, and by the time he looked back at Sabrina, his ardor had cooled. ''m okay/he said somberly and stepped back. ' carefully.' She nodded but didn't move. ', Sabrina.' With her eyes focused on his face, she took a single step backward. '

...'he warned with just enough frustration to sound like anger, and that brought her to her senses. ''m going/ she said quickly and started to walk. After several paces, though, she paused, turning back for a final look. Derek stood watching her. His shoulders were straight, his feet planted firmly on the ground. He looked grim and determined as he hitched his chin toward the gate. Not wanting to make things worse, she left. 222 Sabrina slept for nearly three days straight when she got back to New York. She didn't get dressed. She didn't make the bed, since she wasn't up long enough to bother. She took an occasional bath, made an occasional meal. Then she went back to sleep. Though she knew that she was making up for three years' worth of fatigue, she also knew that there was an element of escape in her rest. When she slept, she didn't have to think. And more than anything, that was what she wanted - and needed. She'd done too much thinking lately. The decision to place Nicky in a residential center was the hardest she'd ever made. She'd earned the rest. At the end of those three days, she got out of bed, bathed, dressed and went for a walk. She walked very slowly. It struck her as she walked that she'was the only one doing it. in spite of the heat, people were passing her, rushing off to wherever it was they were headed. Hundreds of people, hundreds of different destinations. Facial expressions ranging from preoccupied to bored to hassled. There was something disconnected about it all that she found depressi . But then, New York was that way. When she'd been at Columbia, she'd been insulated; the college and her friends had offered a haven from' the anonymity of the city. When she'd married, her husband had taken over that role. He'd been joined in time by friends, then her son. Now Nick was gone. Nicky was gone. other than Maura, there were no friends she cared to call. She was an anonymous face in an anonymous world. She was alone. Two weeks later, on a Sunday, Sabrina went to see Nicky. The Greens had suggested that she plan on monthly visits, but this first time she needed to see 223 him sooner. She needed to know that even without forewarning, she'd find her son clean and well cared for. '

was he?'Derek asked several hours later. He and Sabrina were walking the perimeter of the yard. She nodded, but didn't speak. Seeing Nicky had been a, heart-wrenching experience. Seeing Derek helped, but she was still feeling a little bruised. He caught one of her hands and threaded his fingers through hers. Want to talk about it?' She looked up at him, smiled sadly and shook her head. "I'd only be repeating things I've said before. Ed bore you.' '.' But she really didn't want to talk about Nicky today. She had already talked too much about Nicky, about Nick, about herself. So she remained quiet, holding Derek's hand, walking.

"More crowded today/ she commented. ''s a Sunday. You've never been here on a Sunday.' '.' She nodded at one ' the other visitors, a woman she'd come to recognize over the course of five months. A bit later she smiled at another. They no longer seemed as coarse or Page 80

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

downtrodden to her, but had taken on the identities that Derek had helped flesh out. Each was an individual. A sad individual. ' York is weird/she said. weirdi, Tonely.' ' feel that way because Nicky's in Verniont.' '. It's New York. I'm not sure I want to stay.' '

would you go?' ' don't know. Some place peaceful ... friendly.' As they walked on, Derek pictured a place like that. Two years before, he'd have equated peaceful and 224 ductive. Now peaceful 0 y w hiendl ith boring and nonpr and friendly sounded nice. At length, they stopped beneath a tree and slid down nst its trunk. The prison was behind them; before em were the woods. A bluejay alighted on the top of of the fences. A bee buzzed nearby. The smell of ...... ly mown grass surrounded them. Deceptive/ Derek said, and she knew just what he #How does the jay know which fence to land on?' ' doesn't.' ''t some of them electrified?' ' of the three. Don't know which one. She shuddered. ' birds must take a beating. ', most know not to come anywhere near The jay is a little perverse, that's all. And cocky. Re likes to stand at the top of the heap, so he takes his um. thances. Once in a while he gets b ed.' Derek's somber tone drew her eyes away from the S e studied him, saw that his gray eyes had gone oudy, knew what he was thinking. And she was about it, too. She'd been thinking about it a as s e'd wandered through New York. S e was tired of talking about herself. It was time to the tables. ' me about it, Derek. Tell me about what happ d that night., ene He tipped his head back against the tree and closed his eyes. A pair of geese flew overhead. Bested, the jay left its perch and returned to the woods. '

told the court what happened.' ' told them the bare facts. But there's more. You have a theory. I know you do. Tell me.' His jaw tensed. ''s no point in hashing and rehashing.' 225 ' do it., '

don't have any other choice. There isn't a hell Of a lot else to think about around here., ' if you could share it ... He shook his head.

"Don't you trust mep @f course I do/ he muttered, opening his eyes to scowl at her. ', God, Sabrina, it's so damned frustrating! I've been over the facts hundreds and hundreds of times, and I can't see it any other way. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going mad,' Do it one more time, Derek. For me. I'll let you know if you're off the wall.' He didn't know why hedecided to tell her. Maybe it was because he needed to talk to someone, needed a fresh opinion. Maybe it wasn't just anyone he needed to talk to, but Sabrina. He chewed on the inside of his cheek for a minute, then slowly released it and began to speak. ' was working on a story for the show.-It was on the accuracy Of eyewitness testimony. I was spotlighting three cases where men had been convicted of crimes and then subsequently released when eyewitnesses recanted their testimony." He fell silent, staring off into the depth of the woods. ' on/she prompted softly. ' wanted A piece de r6sistance to make the story special. So I started looking into the case of a Massachusetts man who had been convicted of armed robbery and given a pretty stiff sentence. He was an unlikely armed robber - black, but an engineer, distinctly white-collar. There was no motive to speak of. His conviction was based largely on the testimony of three eyewitnesses. During the trial, the defense tried to cast doubt on their testimony. Not only was it dark 226

@&e night of the robbery, but it was a while - several onth - before the eyewitnesses had come forward. top of that, two of those eyewitnesses had criminal rds while the third was on bail awaiting trial.' brina was intrigued. If what Derek was telling her d come out during his trial, it never made the papers. never heard this part of the story. ' they blackmailed into testifying?' 11 s beginning to look that w@ay. The man await-t wa trial got away with probation on a larceny charge a at s t s uld have earned him hard time. And more one person I interviewed said that the other two t a ay with hell after testifying., arina Page 81

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

shifted to lean against one of Derek's bent ' and face him.-Who could have been behind it? The police?' ' likely an ambitious D.A. who wanted a con-@'11, viction for at least one of a series of armed robberies t had the people of the county riled up.' ' the phone call you got? Where does that fit in?' -'This particular robbery had taken place in a small -,town in the southwestern part of the state. Id been Jairly visible talking with people there, so I wasn't , when I got a call from a man who said he could personally place those two other witnesses on Cape Cod at the time of the robbery. He said he had proof signed IOUs from a poker game, motel receipts - but he said that if I wanted them, I'd have to come quickly, because his wife was very nervous about his sticking his neck out and she! d already threatened to destroy the papers.' Derek looked at Sabrina. ' sounded legitimate, so I went.' His lips twisted in self-disgust. ' of me. Shortsighted to have gone alone, but it was late at night. I decided that - based on what he'd said about 227 his wife - the man would never, permit himself to be filmed, so I didn't bother with a camera crew. And it seemed crazy to wake the producer from a sound sleep when I could do the work myself.' His voice grew tighter. ' only I had. If only I'd called, someone anyone - to go with me. Then Id have had a witness of my own. If only Id called someone and that person had refused for an invalid reason, I'd have been able to point a finger.' Sabrina ran her hand around his neck and kneaded the taut muscles she found. He rolled his head in appreciation, then sighed. ', I went alone. I drove up from New York - it was an easy enough drive at that hour - and I was familiar enough with the town so that I had no trouble finding the spot he'd named. It was a parking lot behind a block of stores. Pitch-black, let me ten you, and deserted except for one other car, a Cutlass, just, as he'd said. I remember thinking to myself, "What harm can there be?

He's a poor henpecked schnook." So I parked, got out of the car and waited. The door to the other car opened and a man got out. We must have been about thirty feet apart. I called his name - he'd said it was Walsh. He called mine for confirmation. Then we started walking toward each other.' Sabrina's eyes were wide. Her hand had come to rest on his collarbone. ' did you see the gun? I ' didn't. It was too dark. But when he was about ten feet away I noticed that there was something odd about his shape, odd about the way he was holding his arm.' Derek didn't move, but his body had tensed to a state of coiled readiness. He was back in that parking lot, reliving the moment of awareness. ' never saw the gun with my eyes, only with my mind in a flash of recognition. The way he was holding his arm, at just 228 t angle/ supporting just that much weight. it was an ""instinctive thing. A split-second image. A gut conviction. I He sent Sabrina a pleading look. ' that make any sense. ' can imagine it happening.' The pleading look remained for a minute more, then fad. ed. ', the prosecutor couldn't. He made a big d1ing about why I didn't just assume the guy was holding the papers he'd promised.' ' why would that have mattered?' q claimed I'd come to that meeting totally innocent of a setup. The prosecutor claimed that I knew there would be trouble. If I'd been truly innocent, the pros,ecutor went on to say, I wouldn't have been on the T.1-ookout for a gun.' ' must be equating innocent with dumb/ Sabrina commented a bit dryly. ' was dark. You were alone ,.','@and unarmed. Only a fool would have been blind to th ibility of foul play.' e poss ' thing is, Sabrina, that I wasn'tconsidering the possibilities at that point. It all happened so quickly.' He took a shuddering breath. ' mind told me he had a b1m. I dove and tackled him. We struggled, the gun -we nt off, he fell back.' His pulse had picked up speed. She could feel it beneath her hand, beneath the heat of his skin. Beneath hi's hair, his forehead was misted with sweat. And in his eyes she saw something she'd never seen before. Sheer terror. For the very first time, Sabrina realized that on top of everything else, Derek Mcgill had to deal with the Page 82

Barbara Delinsky - Commitments

knowledge that he'd ended a human life. Whispering his name, she went forward and wrapped her arms around his neck. It was a minute before she felt his arms complete the circle, but their strength 229 more than made up for the delay. ''m sorry I asked/1 she whispered. ' didn't mean to put you through it again.' ' do it nearly every night/ came his hoarse reply. ''s one more time? I ' helps me understand when I hear. ' long as you don't write it. I She drew back her head. ' want to. You know that. The terror was gone from his eyes, replaced by determination. ' you know that I don't want you to., ' would be so good to have your side of the story put into print.' ' haven't heard half of my side of the story.' ''m ready whenever you are. ''m not now.' ' when?' ' never.' ' maybe before never? Come on, Derek. Let me give it a shot.' But he was shaking his head in slow, firm shakes. ' can't let you do it. Not yet. It could spoil everything. No one can give me back the twenty months of my life that I've lost, but someone's going to be very sorry for having made me lose Her fingers covered his mouth, cutting off his threat. She gave a quick head shake to deny both the words and the vengeful look in his eye. But the look didn't go away, and when she released his mouth, he immediately said, '

mean it, Sabrina. Someone's going to pay.' ''t say it. Don't even think it. ' not?'he asked coolly. ' it's dangerous.1 '

should have thought of that when he set 230 AV first to be murdered, then to take the fall for F. , my would-be murderer.' -ivho was it, Derek?' His angry mouth stayed closed. Do you know?' she asked. 11

have a pretty good idea.' T,@..,tand you're going to pay him back/ she said, nodding she slid from his lap. ''s brilliant. You could end up right back here and for a much longer 14tretch next time.' He stiffened his spine. ' on, Sabrina. I'm not d b. I'm not planning murder. Believe it or not, that urn I'm not a violent man.' ' do believe it except for, the times when you get that look of revenge in your eye. If it isn't violent, nothing is.' That's anger you see, and yes, it's violent. It seethes inside and is as violent as anything I've ever felt. I am father's son in that sense. But man evolves. Each fion is a little more advanced than the one re. I have more smarts than the old man did. Before anger escapes, it passes through the filter of my d. I'm a calculating man. No, I don't have anything U,,e murder in mind. Murder wo)ald be too easy.' "k, ' very trite expression.' ' things are trite because they express @,.,Yery simple truths.' L ' what is the truth here? Is it mental torture you have in mind?' He clenched his jaw. ' could say that.' ' it through a book, Derek. Do it through my book. Wouldn't that be vengeance enough - to lay it -all out in black and white for the world to see?' '.' She drew her knees up and fastened them in with 231 -her arms. ' see@. Simple vengeance isn't enough. You want' - she dropped her voice and droned - '-ven-ge. Y'know, you should speak with my brother. J.B. has all sorts of meaty ideas for inflicting mental torture.' Derek's eyes were dark, as was his mood. ' fun of it if you want, but you haven't been the one rotting here for twenty months. You haven't been the one sitting and stewing, watching the world go by without you. You haven't been the one to look back on your past and see years of effort go down the tubes. You can make fun of it, Sabrina, but that just goes to prove where you're coming from, and where you're coming from isn't where I'm coming from.' ''re wrong, Derek.' '? What do you know of me? What do you really know of me, of my life?' ' much. You've guarded the facts like gold bars at Fort Knox.' ' you want to know why? Because I was protecting you, You're clean, you're good. You're like the fairy princess I might have read about when I was a kid, except that I didn't have much time to read because I was too busy defending my name on the street. I ''m not a weakling, Derek. I can handle just about anything you give me.' 1A, you Page 83