Commitments (7 page)

Chapter 3.

Sabrina

felt like death warmed over. She'd had the flu for three days runnin& and it showed no sign of letting UP. When she sat up, she got dizzy. She couldn't hold down food. And she was very hot. Or very cold. She tried to take care of Nicky, but it was impossible. She'd make it to her feet long enough to change his diapers, then collapse back with him onto the bed. He'd cry. She'd gather her strength. Then she'd try again, this time to feed him, but she'd end up in the bathroom retching. He'd cry: She'd have that much less strength left to gather. Mrs. Hoskins kept to herself. She went about her business unobtrusively, as w;ks her way. Sabrina had liked it that way when she first married Nick and inherited Mrs. Hoskins in the bargain. The housekeeper knew just what she was supposed to do around the house, and she did it. Unfortunately, she did nothing extra. Sabrina could appreciate Mrs. Hoskins' back problem, but there were times soon after the flu hit when she wondered how the@ woman could not offer to help, given the obvious way Sabrina was struggling. And Sabrina couldn't ask. Nor could she command; it wasn't her way. And though her pride was tattered, she still had a bit; she wouldn't give Mrs. Hoskins the satisfaction of hearing her beg. The only thing that enabled her to make it through the first day was the conviction that she'd be better by the next. But the next was just as bad. Even Nicholas agreed, albeit grudgingly, that she needed help. So they 68 a day worker, and though the woman, Doreen, , she was sweet. t was more than Sabrina could say for her husforget the sweet nothings he might have done to her feel better - the flowers he might have t her, the cup of tea, the back rub. She could without those - God knew she had, for Page 23

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months months anyway. But she firmly believed Nicholas have taken a day off from work to care for his That hadn't occurred to him, or if it had, he t himself above the task. Either that, or held intimidated: Nicky's peculiarities were enough Ary a saint, and Nicholas was no saint. He was barely even human when he strode into the oorn on the fourth night, sat down in a huff on the tz-covered chaise to unlace his shoes and began to plain. ' isn't ready. Can you believe that? supposed to play handball in an hour, and dinner I ready! Mrs. Hoskins says that Doreen is monopo-g the kitchen. ,"'She's feeding Nicky/ was Sabrina's muffled ponse. Her face was half-buried in the pillow. She't have the strength to move. He tossed one shoe in the direction of the closet. en you feed Nicky, I get dinner on time.' ''m efficient.' ' don't see what the problem is. How can dinner for e three-year-old be such an effortv The second shoe lowed the first. He stood and unfastened his ousers. Sabrina tugged the blankets more tightly to her omach. The pressure felt good. Tverything has to be trained. He still hates it.' ' don't strain the food.' ''ll choke.' 69 ' he's hungry enough, he'll eat., She didn't bother to answer. That seemed to goadd Nicholas on. ' you weren't lying around in bed, this wouldn't happen. How long do you plan on being sick?' She stared at him in disbelief. ' people have the flu/ he said. ''re sick for a day, maybe two, then they're back to normal. Not you. It's been four days. Are you enjoying the vacation?' She managed a weak, ''re nuts.' ' me. Maybe you. Maybe your flu is psychosomatic, Sabrina. Have you stopped to consider that possibility?"

"Please, Nick.' 011m serious/ he said. He was standing in his underwear, with his hands cocked on his hips. ''s clear that Nicky is a problem for you. You've had trouble with him from the start. What better way to get time off than to be sickv Sabrina continued to stare. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew that Nicholas was an attractive man. He was of average height, nicely built. His features were blue-blooded, and rightly so - given the presence of two marquises and a duke several branches up and over in his family tree. His skin was lightly tanned and firm of tone; even with more gray than brown in his hair, he looked younger than his fortythree years. And he-held himself well. Confidently. Arrogantly. Even in his underwear. But all that was somewhere in the back of her mind. At the moment, and at more moments than she cared to count of late, Sabrina found him offensive. ' can guarantee you, Nicholas, that I don't choose to be sick. I he here feeling guilty for everything I 70 be doing but can't do. Doreen barges in with tions, and Nicky has been fussier than usual. It's much of a vacation. And yes, you're right, Nicky's n a problem from the start. He is severely and tiply handicapped.' lwoney.' "Where've you been, Nick?

Haven't you heard a word doctors said?' ",They've said that his development is delayed. He's t slow. That's all. He'll catch up in his own good e.1 ''s not what the doctors say.' ' don't know what to say.' ' you do?' fes. The child needs time and discipline. And he eds to be with other children. You isolate him, rina. He should be in a play group. He needs to be @with normal children his age. If he could see what _4heylre doing,-' @1@ @I My God, Nickv Sabrina cried. A fine wire of frusation. snapped inside her. In a burst of angry energy, ,,she sat up. ' is three years old and he can barely Id up his head. He can't sit. He can't crawl. He can't old things or feed himself or talk. What in the devil Js he going to do in a play group?' She was shaking all ,, but she couldn't stop the words. ' in the devil is a play group going to do with him? Children can be cruel, Nick. They don't mean to be, but they are. You won't be the one who suffers when they stand around, pointing and giggling at him. Maybe they'll use him as a beanball target. Thatd be - ''s enough!' ''s not! Face facts, Nick!' ''re getting hysterical.' She Page 24

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was on her knees on the bed, swaying slightly 71 but keeping her eyes on her husband. '? Me? What cause would I have for hysterics?

I've only spent three years in nonstop hell trying to deal with a child who is severely retarded - ' - ' ' I've had no help from you, Nick! You're too busy to lend a hand in the everyday care. You object when I want to see a new doctor or try a different training program. You fight me every step of the way. You deny that there's a problem. Well, there is a problem. And I'll tell you something else. Maybe the reason I can't shake this flu is because I've gotten run down trying to cope with the reality of Nicky and the reality of you and the reality of me ... if there is a me anymore. I sometimes wonder about that. I was a writer when I married you. What am I now? I ' mother!'Nicholas snapped. He was pulling on his sweat suit as quickly as possible. ' was what you wanted to be. Why are you complaining?' ' Nicky isn't just another child!' ' can't custom-order kids, Sabrina. You can't check off the traits you want them to have and expect that you'll get your every wish. So Nicky is highstrung. So he's fussy - ' ''s a godawful wretch most of the time! I love him to pieces, but there are times when I can't stand him. He needs help. I need help. It's getting worse and it'll continue to get worse. He'll just get bigger. That's allul, Nick. just bigger.' Nicholas was back on the chaise, this time tugging on his sneakers. ' God, you're a bitch., ''m a realist. I can't handle this, Nick. I can't take the constant tension and worry. I can't take the physical strain, day in, day out. It's not what I want.' 72 leaving,' he said coolly, heading for the door. be back by eleven.' ou can close your eyes to it, Nick, but it won't go . We have to do something. You may have your but mine's falling apart. There's nothing left of marriage. We barely see each other, and when we we argue. I have no career, no social life. Every of my strength is committed to Nicky, and it no good. I can love him until I'm blue in the face, he isn't ever going to be normal. it's only a matter ; before we have to think about putting him in stitution - door slammed, blotting out the loathbedroom e word. Sabrina continued to kneel on the bed. Her was shallow. Sweat beaded on her upper lip; nightgown was damp. After a minute, she stag-from the bed and made it to the bathroom just in e to lose the tea and crackers she'd eaten so gingerly an hour before. Then, not caring whether it was the wisest thing to do, she turned on the shower. She edged herself in a comer, slid down until she was sitting with her knees tucked to her chest and let the ,@,tepid spray course over her. Once out of the shower, she couldn't make it back to bed fast enough. She pulled the blankets to her neck because, though her skin burned, she had the chills. Her limbs ached. Her insides were raw. She felt miserable - but the more she concentrated on her misery, the less she had to think about the argument with Nick. So she concentrated on her misery. In time, other thoughts intruded, and when she'd stopped quaking quite so badly, she freed one arrn from the covers and reached back for the book she'd left on the headboard shelf. She opened to the place where 73 page 209

met page 210, removed the plain white envelope she'd tucked there, then set the book aside.. For a time she just lay, tucked beneath layers of blankets, looking at the envelope. The average eye would find nothing distinctive about it, but Sabrina's was not the average eye. She saw that the envelope had no return address, and assumed that was by designit was metered, rather than stamped, which she assumed to be regulation, and the postmark, reading Parkersville, MA, was dated three weeks before, which was just about how long it had been since she'd received it. For what had to be the hundredth time, she removed a single sheet of paper from the envelope, unfolded it and read its -brief message. ' are fine. D.' Closing her eyes, she pressed the Page 25

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letter and its envelope to her breast. By the next day, she was feeling better. Doreen was staying on for another day, so slie napped. She took a leisurely bath, then napped some more. She was feeling lag more, composed than usual when, late* that afternoon, her mother phoned. Sabrina had never quite figured out whether her mother's otherworldliness had preceded her profession, or vice versa. Amanda Monroe was like a character from one of her books. Petite, almost waiflike, she was a sprite who'd reached her mid-fifties with few of the usual signs of life's wear and tear. Her skin was smooth and porcelain-like. Her hair was long and blond, There was a fluidity to her walk, a lyricism -to her talk. And when she smiled, she sparkled. She had an ethereal quality that made people stop, look once, then again, then approach her with caution lest they cause her harm. It was really quite ironic, 74 d as if she e the woman was strong. She looke splinter apart and disperse with the breeze, but fact was, she had an iron constitution and a will of . in her soft, shimmering way she was a controller. choreographed those around her; they danced to tune. very five years and ten books or so, she created a galaxy to explore. Her fans loved it. Her family d it. Her husband, who was nearly as eccentric as and had an ego the size of Texas, to boot, had long decided that no way was the Old West going to *vel in the shadow of the Vaspatian moons. He had eded the spacious San Francisco townuse to his wife, bought aranch in Nevada and moved lock, stock and barrel. He returned to the Coast periodically, the bounty hunter returning to his woman, but it was clear that he had no wish to wipe the range dust from his boots. Sabrina had grown up shuttling back and forth between her parents' homes, and at the time she'd thought nothing of it. Amanda and Gebhart loved each other. When they were together, they were openly and honestly affectionate. They simply couldn't live with each other full-time - or so they. explained to Sabrina when she began to wonder and ask - and she accepted that, too, for a time. in recent years, though, she'd had doubts. She'd come to see her parents as lonely people, people caught between creative needs and emotional ones. Each had achieved success, but at a price. For that reason, Sabrina no longer begrudged her parents the odd upbringing she'd had. And for that reason, she always tried to receive her mother's phone calls with an audible smile. ', Mom. How1re you doing?' Amanda answered in the feathery tones that fit her 75 well.

-Me most wonderful thing just happened, sweetheart. Glendine escaped from the last of the Wuftigs. She's on her way to the Jennery Fields now, and assuming she doesn't fall on any gluxide mines, she's home free. He's waiting for her at Konrell, sweetheart. Zaaro's waiting at Konrell! I ''s great, Mom. I take it Konrell wasn't destroyed by the Jaspards?, ' little damage,' Amanda admitted airily, but nothing that the corps couldn't fix in an afternoon. Their technology is incredible, sweetheart. A few molecular transfers and things were perfect.' She sighed. ' we only knew half of what they do ...' Sabrina bit her lip. When she was sure she could sound properly respectful, she asked,

'is that the end of the Dusalon series?' ', no. There are two more books left. I still haven't settled the fates of Quist and Fravilon."

,mm. Right. I'd forgotten.' ''s story is next. I'll be starting it at the end of the week, and unless your father distracts me with a surprise visit, I'll finish it before my birthday. I'd really like to do that. J.B. is coming up with the girls. He hates it when I talk Dusalon.' ' he always talks whatever it is that he's writing.' '

that's different. His horror stories are his identity. He hides behind them. If only he could find a woman who'd bring him out. jenny and he were illsuited.' ' loved him for a time. ' was never quite sure whether she loved him or his royalties.' Sabrina snorted. ' would take might hefty royalties to keep a woman with J. B.' 76 gets mighty hefty royalties. Sabrina, he's not t bad.' '?' Amanda was still for a Page 26

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minute before concedin& 11, he's easy to look at. And speaking of easy to at, how's gorgeous Nicky?' '.' ''s he doing?' Lousy. V, 11

though t you were seeing Howard Frasier. As specialists go, he's the best. Wasn't he any help?' ' really.' "You sound down.' '

am. I'm tired, Mom.' ' haven't been sleeping?' 10h, I have. I mean, I've had the flu for the past few days, and that's taken something out of me, but there's more. I'm burning out.' ' do, you mean? I '

is taking too much from me.' ''s your son.' ' I love him, love him so much, but it's not fair.' ' isn't always fair. What's your alternative?' ' private hospital/ Sabrina said, deliberately avoiding the word '.' She'd tried that once on her mother. it hadn't gone over well. ''s a place in Vermont that I've been - ' ''t, Sabrina. He'll come along. Give him time.' ''s what Nick says, but it isn't working. Nicky has serious problems., ''s a special child."