Complete Plays, The (212 page)

Francis

What, sir?

Poins

[Within]
 
Francis!

Prince Henry

Away, you rogue! dost thou not hear them call?

Here they both call him; the drawer stands amazed, not knowing which way to go

Enter Vintner

Vintner

What, standest thou still, and hearest such a calling? Look to the guests within.

Exit Francis

My lord, old Sir John, with half-a-dozen more, are at the door: shall I let them in?

Prince Henry

Let them alone awhile, and then open the door.

Exit Vintner

Poins!

Re-enter Poins

Poins

Anon, anon, sir.

Prince Henry

Sirrah, Falstaff and the rest of the thieves are at the door: shall we be merry?

Poins

As merry as crickets, my lad. But hark ye; what cunning match have you made with this jest of the drawer? come, what’s the issue?

Prince Henry

I am now of all humours that have showed themselves humours since the old days of goodman Adam to the pupil age of this present twelve o’clock at midnight.

Re-enter Francis

What’s o’clock, Francis?

Francis

Anon, anon, sir.

Exit

Prince Henry

That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! His industry is upstairs and downstairs; his eloquence the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy’s mind, the Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife “Fie upon this quiet life! I want work.” “O my sweet Harry,” says she, “how many hast thou killed to-day?” “Give my roan horse a drench,” says he; and answers “some fourteen,” an hour after; “a trifle, a trifle.” I prithee, call in Falstaff: I’ll play Percy, and that damned brawn shall play Dame Mortimer his wife. “Rivo!” says the drunkard. Call in ribs, call in tallow.

Enter Falstaff, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto; Francis following with wine

Poins

Welcome, Jack: where hast thou been?

Falstaff

A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ere I lead this life long, I’ll sew nether stocks and mend them and foot them too. A plague of all cowards! Give me a cup of sack, rogue. Is there no virtue extant?

He drinks

Prince Henry

Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter? pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale of the sun’s! if thou didst, then behold that compound.

Falstaff

You rogue, here’s lime in this sack too: there is nothing but roguery to be found in villanous man: yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it. A villanous coward! Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgot upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good men unhanged in England; and one of them is fat and grows old: God help the while! a bad world, I say. I would I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any thing. A plague of all cowards, I say still.

Prince Henry

How now, wool-sack! what mutter you?

Falstaff

A king’s son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild-geese, I’ll never wear hair on my face more. You Prince of Wales!

Prince Henry

Why, you whoreson round man, what’s the matter?

Falstaff

Are not you a coward? answer me to that: and Poins there?

Poins

’Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, by the
Lord, I’ll stab thee.

Falstaff

I call thee coward! I’ll see thee damned ere I call thee coward: but I would give a thousand pound I could run as fast as thou canst. You are straight enough in the shoulders, you care not who sees your back: call you that backing of your friends? A plague upon such backing! give me them that will face me. Give me a cup of sack: I am a rogue, if I drunk to-day.

Prince Henry

O villain! thy lips are scarce wiped since thou drunkest last.

Falstaff

All’s one for that.

He drinks

A plague of all cowards, still say I.

Prince Henry

What’s the matter?

Falstaff

What’s the matter! there be four of us here have ta’en a thousand pound this day morning.

Prince Henry

Where is it, Jack? where is it?

Falstaff

Where is it! taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us.

Prince Henry

What, a hundred, man?

Falstaff

I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have ’scaped by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet, four through the hose; my buckler cut through and through; my sword hacked like a hand-saw — ecce signum! I never dealt better since I was a man: all would not do. A plague of all cowards! Let them speak: if they speak more or less than truth, they are villains and the sons of darkness.

Prince Henry

Speak, sirs; how was it?

Gadshill

We four set upon some dozen —

Falstaff

Sixteen at least, my lord.

Gadshill

And bound them.

Peto

No, no, they were not bound.

Falstaff

You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew.

Gadshill

As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us —

Falstaff

And unbound the rest, and then come in the other.

Prince Henry

What, fought you with them all?

Falstaff

All! I know not what you call all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish: if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then am I no two-legged creature.

Prince Henry

Pray God you have not murdered some of them.

Falstaff

Nay, that’s past praying for: I have peppered two of them; two I am sure I have paid, two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward; here I lay and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me —

Prince Henry

What, four? thou saidst but two even now.

Falstaff

Four, Hal; I told thee four.

Poins

Ay, ay, he said four.

Falstaff

These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado but took all their seven points in my target, thus.

Prince Henry

Seven? why, there were but four even now.

Falstaff

In buckram?

Poins

Ay, four, in buckram suits.

Falstaff

Seven, by these hilts, or I am a villain else.

Prince Henry

Prithee, let him alone; we shall have more anon.

Falstaff

Dost thou hear me, Hal?

Prince Henry

Ay, and mark thee too, Jack.

Falstaff

Do so, for it is worth the listening to. These nine in buckram that I told thee of —

Prince Henry

So, two more already.

Falstaff

Their points being broken,—

Poins

Down fell their hose.

Falstaff

Began to give me ground: but I followed me close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought seven of the eleven I paid.

Prince Henry

O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two!

Falstaff

But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves in Kendal green came at my back and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand.

Prince Henry

These lies are like their father that begets them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. Why, thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson, obscene, grease tallow-catch,—

Falstaff

What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth the truth?

Prince Henry

Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come, tell us your reason: what sayest thou to this?

Poins

Come, your reason, Jack, your reason.

Falstaff

What, upon compulsion? ’Zounds, an I were at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on compulsion! If reasons were as plentiful as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I.

Prince Henry

I’ll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward, this bed-presser, this horseback-breaker, this huge hill of flesh,—

Falstaff

’sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish! O for breath to utter what is like thee! you tailor’s-yard, you sheath, you bowcase; you vile standing-tuck,—

Prince Henry

Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again: and when thou hast tired thyself in base comparisons, hear me speak but this.

Poins

Mark, Jack.

Prince Henry

We two saw you four set on four and bound them, and were masters of their wealth. Mark now, how a plain tale shall put you down. Then did we two set on you four; and, with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house: and, Falstaff, you carried your guts away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy and still run and roared, as ever I heard bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done, and then say it was in fight! What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst thou now find out to hide thee from this open and apparent shame?

Poins

Come, let’s hear, Jack; what trick hast thou now?

Falstaff

By the Lord, I knew ye as well as he that made ye. Why, hear you, my masters: was it for me to kill the heir-apparent? should I turn upon the true prince? why, thou knowest I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was now a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and thee during my life; I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, by the Lord, lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap to the doors: watch to-night, pray to-morrow. Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore?

Prince Henry

Content; and the argument shall be thy running away.

Falstaff

Ah, no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me!

Enter Hostess

Hostess

O Jesu, my lord the prince!

Prince Henry

How now, my lady the hostess! what sayest thou to me?

Hostess

Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door would speak with you: he says he comes from your father.

Prince Henry

Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother.

Falstaff

What manner of man is he?

Hostess

An old man.

Falstaff

What doth gravity out of his bed at midnight? Shall
I give him his answer?

Prince Henry

Prithee, do, Jack.

Falstaff

’Faith, and I’ll send him packing.

Exit Falstaff

Prince Henry

Now, sirs: by’r lady, you fought fair; so did you, Peto; so did you, Bardolph: you are lions too, you ran away upon instinct, you will not touch the true prince; no, fie!

Bardolph

’Faith, I ran when I saw others run.

Prince Henry

’Faith, tell me now in earnest, how came Falstaff’s sword so hacked?

Peto

Why, he hacked it with his dagger, and said he would swear truth out of England but he would make you believe it was done in fight, and persuaded us to do the like.

Bardolph

Yea, and to tickle our noses with spear-grass to make them bleed, and then to beslubber our garments with it and swear it was the blood of true men. I did that I did not this seven year before, I blushed to hear his monstrous devices.

Prince Henry

O villain, thou stolest a cup of sack eighteen years ago, and wert taken with the manner, and ever since thou hast blushed extempore. Thou hadst fire and sword on thy side, and yet thou rannest away: what instinct hadst thou for it?

Bardolph

My lord, do you see these meteors? do you behold these exhalations?

Prince Henry

I do.

Bardolph

What think you they portend?

Prince Henry

Hot livers and cold purses.

Bardolph

Choler, my lord, if rightly taken.

Prince Henry

No, if rightly taken, halter.

Re-enter Falstaff

Here comes lean Jack, here comes bare-bone.
How now, my sweet creature of bombast!
How long is’t ago, Jack, since thou sawest thine own knee?

Falstaff

My own knee! when I was about thy years, Hal, I was not an eagle’s talon in the waist; I could have crept into any alderman’s thumb-ring: a plague of sighing and grief! it blows a man up like a bladder. There’s villanous news abroad: here was Sir John Bracy from your father; you must to the court in the morning. That same mad fellow of the north, Percy, and he of Wales, that gave Amamon the bastinado and made Lucifer cuckold and swore the devil his true liegeman upon the cross of a Welsh hook — what a plague call you him?