Complete Plays, The (368 page)

Doctor Caius

By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de vorld; he is not show his face.

Host

Thou art a Castalion-King-Urinal. Hector of Greece, my boy!

Doctor Caius

I pray you, bear vitness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.

Shallow

He is the wiser man, master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?

Page

Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.

Shallow

Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices and doctors and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.

Page

’Tis true, Master Shallow.

Shallow

It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I am come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace: you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, master doctor.

Host

Pardon, guest-justice. A word, Mounseur Mockwater.

Doctor Caius

Mock-vater! vat is dat?

Host

Mock-water, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.

Doctor Caius

By gar, den, I have as mush mock-vater as de Englishman. Scurvy jack-dog priest! by gar, me vill cut his ears.

Host

He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.

Doctor Caius

Clapper-de-claw! vat is dat?

Host

That is, he will make thee amends.

Doctor Caius

By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.

Host

And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.

Doctor Caius

Me tank you for dat.

Host

And, moreover, bully,— but first, master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaleiro Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.

Aside to them

Page

Sir Hugh is there, is he?

Host

He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?

Shallow

We will do it.

Page

Shallow

Slender

Adieu, good master doctor.

Exeunt Page, Shallow, and Slender

Doctor Caius

By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.

Host

Let him die: sheathe thy impatience, throw cold water on thy choler: go about the fields with me through Frogmore: I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farm-house a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim? said I well?

Doctor Caius

By gar, me dank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.

Host

For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne
Page. Said I well?

Doctor Caius

By gar, ’tis good; vell said.

Host

Let us wag, then.

Doctor Caius

Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.

Exeunt

A
CT
III

S
CENE
I. A
FIELD
NEAR
F
ROGMORE
.

Enter Sir Hugh Evans and Simple

Sir Hugh Evans

I pray you now, good master Slender’s serving-man, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?

Simple

Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.

Sir Hugh Evans

I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.

Simple

I will, sir.

Exit

Sir Hugh Evans

’Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have good opportunities for the ork. ’Pless my soul!

Sings

To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow —
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.

Sings

Melodious birds sing madrigals —
When as I sat in Pabylon —
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow & c.

Re-enter Simple

Simple

Yonder he is coming, this way, Sir Hugh.

Sir Hugh Evans

He’s welcome.

Sings

To shallow rivers, to whose falls-
Heaven prosper the right! What weapons is he?

Simple

No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.

Sir Hugh Evans

Pray you, give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms.

Enter Page, Shallow, and Slender

Shallow

How now, master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.

Slender

[Aside]
 
Ah, sweet Anne Page!

Page

’save you, good Sir Hugh!

Sir Hugh Evans

’Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!

Shallow

What, the sword and the word! do you study them both, master parson?

Page

And youthful still! in your doublet and hose this raw rheumatic day!

Sir Hugh Evans

There is reasons and causes for it.

Page

We are come to you to do a good office, master parson.

Sir Hugh Evans

Fery well: what is it?

Page

Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.

Shallow

I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity and learning, so wide of his own respect.

Sir Hugh Evans

What is he?

Page

I think you know him; Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.

Sir Hugh Evans

Got’s will, and his passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.

Page

Why?

Sir Hugh Evans

He has no more knowledge in Hibocrates and Galen, — and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.

Page

I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.

Shallow

[Aside]
 
O sweet Anne Page!

Shallow

It appears so by his weapons. Keep them asunder: here comes Doctor Caius.

Enter Host, Doctor Caius, and Rugby

Page

Nay, good master parson, keep in your weapon.

Shallow

So do you, good master doctor.

Host

Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.

Doctor Caius

I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear.
Vherefore vill you not meet-a me?

Sir Hugh Evans

[Aside to Doctor Caius]
 
Pray you, use your patience: in good time.

Doctor Caius

By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.

Sir Hugh Evans

[Aside to Doctor Caius]
 
Pray you let us not be laughing-stocks to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.

Aloud

I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cockscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.

Doctor Caius

Diable! Jack Rugby,— mine host de Jarteer,— have I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint?

Sir Hugh Evans

As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the place appointed: I’ll be judgement by mine host of the Garter.

Host

Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!

Doctor Caius

Ay, dat is very good; excellent.

Host

Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.

Shallow

Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow.

Slender

[Aside]
 
O sweet Anne Page!

Exeunt Shallow, Slender, Page, and Host

Doctor Caius

Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?

Sir Hugh Evans

This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy cogging companion, the host of the Garter.

Doctor Caius

By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.

Sir Hugh Evans

Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow.

Exeunt

S
CENE
II. A
STREET
.

Enter Mistress Page and Robin

Mistress Page

Nay, keep your way, little gallant; you were wont to be a follower, but now you are a leader. Whether had you rather lead mine eyes, or eye your master’s heels?

Robin

I had rather, forsooth, go before you like a man than follow him like a dwarf.

Mistress Page

O, you are a flattering boy: now I see you’ll be a courtier.

Enter Ford

Ford

Well met, Mistress Page. Whither go you?

Mistress Page

Truly, sir, to see your wife. Is she at home?

Ford

Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry.

Mistress Page

Be sure of that,— two other husbands.

Ford

Where had you this pretty weather-cock?

Mistress Page

I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight’s name, sirrah?

Robin

Sir John Falstaff.

Ford

Sir John Falstaff!

Mistress Page

He, he; I can never hit on’s name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed?

Ford

Indeed she is.

Mistress Page

By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her.

Exeunt Mistress Page and Robin

Ford

Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife’s inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage: and now she’s going to my wife, and Falstaff’s boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff’s boy with her! Good plots, they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Actaeon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim.

Clock heard

The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go.

Enter Page, Shallow, Slender, Host, Sir Hugh Evans, Doctor Caius, and Rugby

Shallow, Page, amp;c

Well met, Master Ford.

Ford

Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home; and I pray you all go with me.

Shallow

I must excuse myself, Master Ford.

Slender

And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I’ll speak of.

Shallow

We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer.

Slender

I hope I have your good will, father Page.

Page

You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you: but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether.

Doctor Caius

Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me: my nursh-a
Quickly tell me so mush.

Host

What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry’t, he will carry’t; ’tis in his buttons; he will carry’t.

Page

Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way.