Complete Works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky (546 page)

I have said that the family were always together, but I mean except for me, of course.  I was like an outcast, and, almost from my birth, had been with strangers.  But this was done with no special design, but simply because it had happened so.  When I was born my mother was still young and good-looking, and therefore necessary to Versilov; and a screaming child, of course, was always a nuisance, especially when they were travelling.  That was how it happened that until I was nineteen I had scarcely seen my mother except on two or three brief occasions.  It was not due to my mother’s wishes, but to Versilov’s lofty disregard for people.

7

Now for something quite different.  A month earlier, that is a month before the 19th of September, I had made up my mind in Moscow to renounce them all, and to retire into my own idea, finally.  I record that expression “retire into my own idea” because that expression may explain my leading motive, my object in life.  What that “idea” of mine is, of that there will be only too much said later.  In the solitary years of my dreamy life in Moscow it sprang up in my mind before I had left the sixth form of the grammar school, and from that time perhaps never left me for an instant.  It absorbed my whole existence.  Till then I had lived in dreams; from my childhood upwards I have lived in the world of dreams, always of a certain colour.  But after this great and all-absorbing idea turned up, my dreams gained in force, took a definite shape; and became rational instead of foolish.  School did not hinder my dreams, and it did not hinder the idea either.  I must add, however, that I came out badly in the leaving exam, though I had always been one of the first in all the forms up to the seventh, and this was a result of that same idea, a result of a false deduction from it perhaps.  So it was not school work that hindered the idea, but the idea that hindered school work, and it hindered university work too.  When I left school I intended at once not only to cut myself off from my family completely, but from all the world if necessary, though I was only nineteen at the time.  I wrote through a suitable person to tell them to leave me entirely alone, not to send me any more money for my maintenance, and, if possible, to forget me altogether (that is if they ever did remember me), and finally “nothing would induce” me to enter the university.  An alternative presented itself from which there was no escaping: to refuse to enter the university and go on with my education, or to defer putting my idea into practice for another four years.  I went for the idea without faltering, for I was absolutely resolved about it.  In answer to my letter, which had not been addressed to him, Versilov, my father, whom I had only seen once for a moment when I was a boy of ten (though even in that moment he made a great impression upon me), summoned me to Petersburg in a letter written in his own hand, promising me a private situation.  This cold, proud man, careless and disdainful of me, after bringing me into the world and packing me off to strangers, knew nothing of me at all and had never even regretted his conduct; who knows, perhaps he had only a vague and confused idea of my existence, for it appeared afterwards that the money for my maintenance in Moscow had not been furnished by him but by other people.  Yet the summons of this man who so suddenly remembered me and deigned to write to me with his own hand, by flattering me, decided my fate.  Strange to say, what pleased me in his note (one tiny sheet of paper) was that he said not a word about the university, did not ask me to change my mind, did not blame me for not wanting to continue my studies, did not, in fact, trot out any parental flourishes of the kind usual in such cases, and yet this was wrong of him since it betrayed more than anything his lack of interest in me.  I resolved to go, the more readily because it would not hinder my great idea.  “I’ll see what will come of it,” I argued, “in any case I shall associate with them only for a time; possibly a very short time.  But as soon as I see that this step, tentative and trifling as it is, is keeping me from the GREAT OBJECT, I shall break off with them, throw up everything and retreat into my shell.”  Yes, into my shell!  “I shall hide in it like a tortoise.”  This comparison pleased me very much.  “I shall not be alone,” I went on musing, as I walked about Moscow those last days like one possessed.  “I shall never be alone as I have been for so many awful years till now; I shall have my idea to which I will never be false, even if I like them all there, and they make me happy, and I live with them for ten years!”  It was, I may remark beforehand, just that impression, that is, just the twofold nature of the plans and objects definitely formed before leaving Moscow, and never out of my mind for one instant in Petersburg (for I hardly think there was a day in Petersburg which I had not fixed on beforehand as the final date for breaking off with them and going away), it was this, I say, that was, I believe, one of the chief causes of many of the indiscretions I have been guilty of during this year, many nasty things, many even low things, and stupid ones of course.  To be sure, a father, something I had never had before, had appeared upon the scene.  This thought intoxicated me as I made my preparations in Moscow and sat in the railway carriage.  That he was my father would be nothing.  I was not fond of sentimentality, but this man had humiliated me and had not cared to know me, while all those years I had been chewing away at my dreams of him, if one may use such an expression.  From my childhood upward, my dreams were all coloured by him; all hovered about him as the final goal.  I don’t know whether I hated him or loved him; but his figure dominated the future and all my schemes of life.  And this happened of itself.  It grew up with me.

Another thing which influenced me in leaving Moscow was a tremendous circumstance, a temptation which even then, three months before my departure (before Petersburg had been mentioned), set my heart leaping and throbbing.  I was drawn to this unknown ocean by the thought that I could enter it as the lord and master of other people’s destinies, and what people, too!  But the feelings that were surging in my heart were generous and not despotic — I hasten to declare it that my words may not be mistaken.  Moreover, Versilov might think (if he ever deigned to think of me) that a small boy who had just left school, a raw youth, was coming who would be agape with wonder at everything.  And meanwhile I knew all his private life, and had about me a document of the utmost importance, for which (I know that now for a fact) he would have given some years of his life, if I had told him the secret at the time.  But I notice that I am talking in riddles.  One cannot describe feelings without facts.  Besides which, there will be enough about all this in its proper place; it is with that object I have taken up my pen.  Writing like this is like a cloud of words or the ravings of delirium.

8

Finally, to pass once for all to the 19th of September, I will observe briefly and, so to say, cursorily, that I found them all, that is Versilov, my mother and my sister (the latter I saw for the first time in my life) in difficult circumstances, almost destitute, or at least, on the verge of destitution.  I knew of this before leaving Moscow, but yet I was not prepared for what I saw.  I had been accustomed from childhood to imagine this man, this “future father of mine” in brilliant surroundings, and could not picture him except as the leading figure everywhere.  Versilov had never shared the same lodgings with my mother, but had always taken rooms for her apart.  He did this, of course, out of regard for their very contemptible “proprieties.”  But here they were all living together in a little wooden lodge in a back street in the Semyonovsky Polk.  All their things were in pawn, so that, without Versilov’s knowledge, I gave my mother my secret sixty roubles.  SECRET, because I had saved them up in the course of two years out of my pocket money, which was five roubles a month.  I had begun saving from the very day I had conceived my “idea,” and so Versilov must know nothing about the money.  I trembled at the thought of that.

My help was like a drop in the ocean.  My mother worked hard and my sister too took in sewing.  Versilov lived in idleness, indulged his whims and kept up a number of his former rather expensive habits.  He grumbled terribly, especially at dinner, and he was absolutely despotic in all his ways.  But my mother, my sister, Tatyana Pavlovna and the whole family of the late Andronikov (the head of some department who used also to manage Versilov’s affairs and had died three months before), consisting of innumerable women, grovelled before him as though he were a fetish.  I had not imagined this.  I may remark that nine years before he had been infinitely more elegant.  I have said already that I had kept the image of him in my dreams surrounded by a sort of brilliance, and so I could not conceive how it was possible after only nine years for him to look so much older and to be so worn out; I felt at once sad, sorry, ashamed.  The sight of him was one of the most painful of my first impressions on my arrival.  Yet he was by no means an old man, he was only forty-five.  Looking at him more closely I found in his handsome face something even more striking than what I had kept in my memory.  There was less of the brilliance of those days, less external beauty, less elegance even; but life had, as it were, stamped on that face something far more interesting than before.

Meanwhile poverty was not the tenth or twentieth fraction of his misfortunes, and I knew that.  There was something infinitely more serious than poverty, apart from the fact that there was still a hope that Versilov might win the lawsuit he had been contesting for the last year with the Princes Sokolsky and might in the immediate future come into an estate to the value of seventy thousand or more.  I have said above that Versilov had run through three fortunes in his life, and here another fortune was coming to his rescue again!  The case was to be settled very shortly.  It was just then that I arrived.  It is true that no one would lend him money on his expectations, there was nowhere he could borrow, and meanwhile they had to suffer.

Versilov visited no one, though he sometimes was out for the whole day.  It was more than a year since he had been BANISHED from society.  In spite of all my efforts, this scandal remained for the most part a mystery though I had been a whole month in Petersburg.  Was Versilov guilty or not guilty — that was what mattered to me, that is what I had come to Petersburg for!  Every one had turned against him — among others all the influential and distinguished people with whom he had been particularly clever in maintaining relations all his life — in consequence of rumours of an extremely low and — what was much worse in the eyes of the “world” — scandalous action which he was said to have committed more than a year ago in Germany.  It was even reported that he had received a slap in the face from Prince Sokolsky (one of those with whom he was now in litigation) and had not followed it by a challenge.  Even his children (the legitimate ones), his son and daughter, had turned against him and were holding aloof.  It is true that through the influence of the Fanariotovs and old Prince Sokolsky (who had been a friend of Versilov) the son and daughter moved in the very highest circles.  Yet, watching him all that month, I saw a haughty man who had rather cast off “society” than been cast off by it, so independent was his air.  But had he the right to look like that — that was the question that agitated me.  I absolutely had to find out the whole truth at the earliest possible date, for I had come — to judge this man.  I still kept my power hidden from him, but I had either to accept him or to reject him altogether.  But that would have been too painful to me and I was in torment.  I will confess it frankly at last: the man was dear to me!

And meanwhile I was living in the same flat with him, working, and scarcely refraining from being rude.  In fact I did not refrain.  After spending a month with him I became more convinced every day that I could not possibly appeal to him for a full explanation.  This man in his pride remained an enigma to me, while he wounded me deeply.  He was positively charming to me, and jested with me, but I should have liked quarrels better than such jests.  There was a certain note of ambiguity about all my conversations with him, or more simply, a strange irony on his part.  From our first meeting, on my arrival from Moscow, he did not treat me seriously.  I never could make out why he took up this line.  It is true that by this means he succeeded in remaining impenetrable, but I would not have humbled myself so far as to ask him to treat me seriously.  Besides, he had certain wonderful and irresistible ways which I did not know how to deal with.  In short he behaved to me as though I were the greenest of raw youths, which I was hardly able to endure, though I knew it would be so.  I, too, gave up talking seriously in consequence, and waited; in fact, I almost gave up talking altogether.  I waited for a person on whose arrival in Petersburg I might finally learn the truth; that was my last hope.  In any case I prepared myself for a final rupture, and had already taken all necessary measures.  I was sorry for my mother but— “either him or me,” that was the choice I meant to offer her and my sister.  I had even fixed on the day; and meanwhile I went to my work.

CHAPTER II

1

On that 19th of September I was also to receive my first salary for the first month of my work in Petersburg in my “private” situation.  They did not ask me about this job but simply handed me over to it, I believe, on the very first day of my arrival.  This was very unmannerly, and it was almost my duty to protest.  The job turned out to be a situation in the household of old Prince Sokolsky.  But to protest then would have meant breaking off relations on the spot, and though I was not in the least afraid of that, it would have hindered the attainment of my primary objects; and so in silence I accepted the job for the time, maintaining my dignity by silence.  I must explain from the very first that this Prince Sokolsky, a wealthy man and a privy councillor, was no relation at all of the Moscow princes of that name (who had been poor and insignificant for several generations past) with whom Versilov was contesting his lawsuit.  It was only that they had the same name.  Yet the old prince took a great interest in them, and was particularly fond of one of them who was, so to speak, the head of the family — a young officer.  Versilov had till recently had an immense influence in this old man’s affairs and had been his friend, a strange sort of friend, for the poor old prince, as I detected, was awfully afraid of him, not only at the time when I arrived on the scene, but had apparently been always afraid of him all through their friendship.  They had not seen each other for a long time, however.  The dishonourable conduct of which Versilov was accused concerned the old prince’s family.  But Tatyana Pavlovna had intervened and it was through her that I was placed in attendance on the old prince, who wanted a “young man” in his study.  At the same time it appeared that he was very anxious to do something to please Versilov, to make, so to speak, the first advance to him, and Versilov ALLOWED it.  The old man had made the arrangement in the absence of his daughter, the widow of a general, who would certainly not have permitted him to take this step.  Of this later, but I may remark that the strangeness of his relations with Versilov impressed me in the latter’s favour.  It occurred to the imagination that if the head of the injured family still cherished a respect for Versilov, the rumours of Versilov’s scoundrelly behaviour must be absurd, or at least exaggerated, and might have more than one explanation.  It was partly this circumstance which kept me from protesting against the situation; in accepting it I hoped to verify all this.