Complete Works of Fyodor Dostoyevsky (581 page)

“I am coming, I am coming as I promised.  Listen, Liza, a low brute, a loathsome creature in fact, called Stebelkov, has a strange influence over his doings . . . an IOU. . . .  In short he has him in his power, and he has pressed him so hard, and Prince Sergay has humiliated himself so far that neither of them see any way out of it except an offer to Anna Andreyevna.  And really she ought to be warned, though that’s nonsense; she will set it all to rights later.  But what do you think, will she refuse him?”

“Good-bye, I am late,” Liza muttered, and in the momentary look on her face I saw such hatred that I cried out in horror:

“Liza, darling, what is it?”

“I am not angry with you; only don’t gamble. . . .”

“Oh, you are talking of that; I’m not going to.”

“You said just now: ‘when we are happy.’  Are you very happy then?”

“Awfully, Liza, awfully!  Good heavens, why it’s past three o’clock! . . .  Good-bye, Liza.  Lizotchka darling, tell me: can one keep a woman waiting?  Isn’t it inexcusable?”

“Waiting to meet you, do you mean?” said Liza faintly smiling, with a sort of lifeless, trembling smile.

“Give me your hand for luck.”

“For luck? my hand?  I won’t, not for anything.”

She walked away quickly.  And she had exclaimed it so earnestly!  I jumped into my sledge.

Yes, yes, this was “happiness,” and it was the chief reason why I was as blind as a mole, and had no eyes or understanding, except for myself.

CHAPTER IV

1

Now I am really afraid to tell my story.  It all happened long ago; and it is all like a mirage to me now.  How could such a woman possibly have arranged a rendezvous with such a contemptible urchin as I was then?  Yet so it seemed at first sight!  When, leaving Liza, I raced along with my heart throbbing, I really thought that I had gone out of my mind: the idea that she had granted me this interview suddenly appeared to me such an obvious absurdity, that it was impossible for me to believe in it.  And yet I had not the faintest doubt of it; the more obviously absurd it seemed, the more implicitly I believed in it.

The fact that it had already struck three troubled me:  “If an interview has been granted me, how can I possibly be late for it,” I thought.  Foolish questions crossed my mind, too, such as:  “Which was my better course now, boldness or timidity?”  But all this only flashed through my mind because I had something of real value in my heart, which I could not have defined.  What had been said the evening before was this:  “To-morrow at three o’clock I shall be at Tatyana Pavlovna’s,” that was all.  But in the first place, she always received me alone in her own room, and she could have said anything she liked to me there, without going to Tatyana Pavlovna’s for the purpose; so why have appointed another place of meeting?  And another question was: would Tatyana Pavlovna be at home or not?  If it were a tryst then Tatyana Pavlovna would not be at home.  And how could this have been arranged without telling Tatyana Pavlovna beforehand?  Then was Tatyana Pavlovna in the secret?  This idea seemed to me wild, and in a way indelicate, almost coarse.

And, in fact, she might simply have been going to see Tatyana Pavlovna, and have mentioned the fact to me the previous evening with no object in view, but I had misunderstood her.  And, indeed, it had been said so casually, so quickly, and after a very tedious visit.  I was for some reason overcome with stupidity the whole evening: I sat and mumbled, and did not know what to say, raged inwardly, and was horribly shy, and she was going out somewhere, as I learnt later, and was evidently relieved when I got up to go.  All these reflections surged into my mind.  I made up my mind at last that when I arrived I would ring the bell.  “The cook will open the door,” I thought, “and I shall ask whether Tatyana Pavlovna is at home.  If she is not then it’s a tryst.”  But I had no doubt of it, no doubt of it!

I ran up the stairs and when I was at the door all my fears vanished.  “Come what may,” I thought, “if only it’s quickly!”  The cook opened the door and with revolting apathy snuffled out that Tatyana Pavlovna was not at home.  “But isn’t there some one else?  Isn’t there some one waiting for her?” I wanted to ask, but I did not ask, “I’d better see for myself,” and muttering to the cook that I would wait, I took off my fur coat and opened the door. . . .

Katerina Nikolaevna was sitting at the window “waiting for Tatyana Pavlovna.”

“Isn’t she at home?” she suddenly asked me, in a tone of anxiety and annoyance as soon as she saw me.  And her face and her voice were so utterly incongruous with what I had expected that I came to a full stop in the doorway.

“Who’s not at home?” I muttered.

“Tatyana Pavlovna!  Why, I asked you yesterday to tell her that I would be with her at three o’clock.”

“I . . . I have not seen her at all.”

“Did you forget?”

I sat completely overwhelmed.  So this was all it meant!  And the worst of it was it was all as clear as twice two makes four, and I — I had all this while persisted in believing it.

“I don’t remember your asking me to tell her.  And in fact you didn’t ask me: you simply said you would be here at three o’clock,” I burst out impatiently, I did not look at her.

“Oh!” she cried suddenly; “but if you forgot to tell her, though you knew I should be here, what has brought you here?”

I raised my head; there was no trace of mockery or anger in her face, there was only her bright, gay smile, and a look more mischievous than usual.  Though, indeed, her face always had an expression of almost childish mischief.

“There, you see I’ve caught you; well, what are you going to say now?” her whole face seemed to be saying.

I did not want to answer and looked down again.  The silence lasted half a minute.

“Have you just come from papa?” she asked.

“I have come from Anna Andreyevna’s, I haven’t been to see Prince Nikolay Ivanitch at all . . . and you know that,” I added suddenly.

“Did anything happen to you at Anna Andreyevna’s?”

“You mean that I look as though I were crazy?  But I looked crazy before I went to Anna Andreyevna.”

“And you didn’t recover your wits there?”

“No, I didn’t.  And what’s more I heard that you were going to marry Baron Büring.”

“Did she tell you that?” she asked with sudden interest.

“No, it was I told her; I heard Nastchokin tell Prince Sergay so this morning.”

I still kept my eyes cast down and did not look at her; to look at her meant to be flooded with radiance, joy, and happiness, and I did not want to be happy.  Indignation had stung me to the heart, and in one instant I had taken a tremendous resolution.  Then I began to speak, I hardly knew what about.  I was breathless, and spoke indistinctly, but I looked at her boldly.  My heart was throbbing.  I began talking of something quite irrelevant, though perhaps not incoherently.  At first she listened with a serene, patient smile, which never left her face, but little by little signs of surprise and then of alarm passed over her countenance.  The smile still persisted, but from time to time it seemed tremulous.  “What’s the matter?” I asked her, noticing that she shuddered all over.

“I am afraid of you,” she answered, almost in trepidation.

“Why don’t you go away?” I said.  “As Tatyana Pavlovna is not at home, and you know she won’t be, you ought to get up and go.”

“I meant to wait for her, but now . . . really. . . .”

She made a movement to get up.

“No, no, sit down,” I said, stopping her; “there, you shuddered again, but you smile even when you’re frightened. . . .  You always have a smile.  There, now you are smiling all over. . . .”

“You are raving.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I am frightened . . ,” she whispered again.

“Frightened of what?”

“That you’ll begin knocking down the walls . . ,” she smiled again, though she really was scared.

“I can’t endure your smile . . .!”

And I talked away again.  I plunged headlong.  It was as though something had given me a shove.  I had never, never talked to her like that, I had always been shy.  I was fearfully shy now, but I talked; I remember I talked about her face.

“I can’t endure your smile any longer!” I cried suddenly.  “Why did I even in Moscow picture you as menacing, magnificent, using venomous drawing-room phrases?  Yes, even before I left Moscow, I used to talk with Marie Ivanovna about you, and imagined what you must be like. . . .  Do you remember Marie Ivanovna?  You’ve been in her house.  When I was coming here I dreamed of you all night in the train.  For a whole month before you came I gazed at your portrait, in your father’s study, and could make nothing of it.  The expression of your face is childish mischief and boundless good-nature — there!  I have been marvelling at it all the time I’ve been coming to see you.  Oh, and you know how to look haughty and to crush one with a glance.  I remember how you looked at me at your father’s that day when you had arrived from Moscow . . . I saw you then, but if you were to ask me how I went out of the room or what you were like, I could not tell you — I could not even have told whether you were tall or short.  As soon as I saw you I was blinded.  Your portrait is not in the least like you: your eyes are not dark, but light, it’s only the long eyelashes that make them look dark.  You are plump, you are neither tall nor short, you have a buxom fullness, the light full figure of a healthy peasant girl.  And your face is quite countrified, too, it’s the face of a village beauty — don’t be offended.  Why, it’s fine, it’s better so — a round, rosy, clear, bold, laughing, and . . . bashful face!  Really, bashful.  Bashful! of Katerina Nikolaevna Ahmakov!  Bashful and chaste, I swear!  More than chaste — childlike! — that’s your face!  I have been astounded by it all this time, and have been asking myself, is the woman so, too?  I know now that you are very clever, but do you know, at first I thought you were a simpleton?  You have a bright and lively mind, but without embellishments of any sort. . . .  Another thing I like is that your smile never deserts you; that’s my paradise!  I love your calmness, too, your quietness, and your uttering your words so smoothly, so calmly and almost lazily, it’s just that laziness I like.  I believe if a bridge were to break down under you, you would say something in a smooth and even voice. . . .  I imagined you as the acme of pride and passion, and for the last two months you’ve been talking to me as one student talks to another.  I never imagined that you had such a brow; it’s rather low, like the foreheads of statues, but soft and as white as marble, under your glorious hair.  Your bosom is high, your movements are light.  You are extraordinarily beautiful, but there’s no pride about you.  It’s only now I’ve come to believe it, I’ve disbelieved in it all this time!”

She listened to this wild tirade with large wide-open eyes, she saw that I was trembling.  Several times she lifted her gloved hand with a charming apprehensive gesture to stop me, but every time she drew it back in dismay and perplexity.  Sometimes she even stepped back a little.  Two or three times the smile lighted up her face again; at one time she flushed very red, but in the end was really frightened and turned pale.  As soon as I stopped she held out her hand, and in a voice that was still even, though it had a note of entreaty, said:

“You must not say that . . . you can’t talk like that. . . .”

And suddenly she got up from her place, deliberately gathering up her scarf and sable muff.

“Are you going?” I cried.

“I’m really afraid of you . . . you are abusing . . ,” she articulated slowly and as it were with compassion and reproach.

“Listen, on my honour I won’t knock down the walls.”

“But you’ve begun already,” she could not refrain from smiling.  “I don’t even know if you will allow me to pass.”  And she seemed to be actually afraid I would not let her go.

“I will open the door myself, but let me tell you I’ve taken a tremendous resolution; and if you care to give light to my soul, come back, sit down, and listen to just two words.  But if you won’t, then go away, and I will open the door to you myself!”

She looked at me and sat down again.

“Some women would have gone out with a show of indignation, but you sit down!” I cried in exaltation.

“You have never allowed yourself to talk like this before.”

“I was always afraid before, I came in now not knowing what I should say.  You imagine I’m not afraid now: I am.  But I’ve just taken a tremendous resolution, and I feel I shall carry it out.  And as soon as I took that resolution I went out of my mind and began saying all this. . . .  Listen, this is what I have to say, am I your spy or not?  Answer me that question!”

The colour rushed into her face.

“Don’t answer yet, Katerina Nikolaevna, but listen to every thing and then tell the whole truth.”

I had broken down all barriers at once and plunged headlong into space.

2

“Two months ago I was standing here behind the curtain . . . you know . . . and you talked to Tatyana Pavlovna about the letter.  I rushed out, and beside myself, I blurted out the truth.  You saw at once that I knew something . . . you could not help seeing it . . . you were trying to find an important document, and were uneasy about it. . . .  Wait a bit, Katerina Nikolaevna, don’t speak yet.  I must tell you that your suspicion was well founded: that document does exist . . . that is to say it did. . . .  I have seen it — your letter to Andronikov, that’s it, isn’t it?”

“You’ve seen that letter?” she asked quickly, in embarrassment and agitation.  “When did you see it?”

“I saw it . . . I saw it at Kraft’s . . . you know, the man that shot himself. . . .”

“Really?  You saw it yourself?  What became of it?”

“Kraft tore it up.”

“In your presence, did you see him?”

“Yes, he tore it up, probably because he was going to die. . . . I did not know then, of course, that he was going to shoot himself. . . .”

“So it has been destroyed, thank God!” she commented slowly with a deep sigh, and she crossed herself.

I was not lying to her, that is to say I was lying because the letter in question was in my hands and had never been in Kraft’s, but that was a mere detail; in what really mattered I did not lie, because at the instant I told the lie I nerved myself to burn the letter that very evening.  I swear that if it had been in my pocket that moment I would have taken it out and given it her; but I hadn’t it with me, it was at my lodging.  Perhaps though I should not have given it her because I should have felt horribly ashamed to confess to her then that I had it, and had been keeping it and waiting so long before I gave it back.  It made no difference, I should have burnt it at home in any case, and I was not lying!  I swear that at that moment my heart was pure.