Complete Works of James Joyce (57 page)

 
— They went forth to battle, Mr O’Madden Burke said greyly, but they always fell.

 
— Boohoo! Lenehan wept with a little noise. Owing to a brick received in the latter half of the
matinée
. Poor, poor, poor Pyrrhus!

He whispered then near Stephen’s ear:

LENEHAN’S LIMERICK

    
There’s a ponderous pundit MacHugh

    
Who wears goggles of ebony hue.

    
As he mostly sees double

    
To wear them why trouble?

    
I can’t see the Joe Miller. Can you?

In mourning for Sallust, Mulligan says. Whose mother is beastly dead.

Myles Crawford crammed the sheets into a sidepocket.

 
— That’ll be all right, he said. I’ll read the rest after. That’ll be all right.

Lenehan extended his hands in protest.

 
— But my riddle! he said. What opera is like a railwayline?

 
— Opera? Mr O’Madden Burke’s sphinx face reriddled.

Lenehan announced gladly:

 
—
The Rose of Castile
. See the wheeze? Rows of cast steel. Gee!

He poked Mr O’Madden Burke mildly in the spleen. Mr O’Madden Burke fell back with grace on his umbrella, feigning a gasp.

 
— Help! he sighed. I feel a strong weakness.

Lenehan, rising to tiptoe, fanned his face rapidly with the rustling tissues.

The professor, returning by way of the files, swept his hand across Stephen’s and Mr O’Madden Burke’s loose ties.

 
— Paris, past and present, he said. You look like communards.

 
— Like fellows who had blown up the Bastile, J. J. O’Molloy said in quiet mockery. Or was it you shot the lord lieutenant of Finland between you? You look as though you had done the deed. General Bobrikoff.

OMNIUM GATHERUM

 
— We were only thinking about it, Stephen said.

 
— All the talents, Myles Crawford said. Law, the classics...

 
— The turf, Lenehan put in.

 
— Literature, the press.

 
— If Bloom were here, the professor said. The gentle art of advertisement.

 
— And Madam Bloom, Mr O’Madden Burke added. The vocal muse. Dublin’s prime favourite.

Lenehan gave a loud cough.

 
— Ahem! he said very softly. O, for a fresh of breath air! I caught a cold in the park. The gate was open.

YOU CAN DO IT!

The editor laid a nervous hand on Stephen’s shoulder.

 
— I want you to write something for me, he said. Something with a bite in it. You can do it. I see it in your face.
In the lexicon of youth
...

See it in your face. See it in your eye. Lazy idle little schemer.

 
— Foot and mouth disease! the editor cried in scornful invective. Great nationalist meeting in Borris-in-Ossory. All balls! Bulldosing the public! Give them something with a bite in it. Put us all into it, damn its soul. Father, Son and Holy Ghost and Jakes M’Carthy.

 
— We can all supply mental pabulum, Mr O’Madden Burke said.

Stephen raised his eyes to the bold unheeding stare.

 
— He wants you for the pressgang, J. J. O’Molloy said.

THE GREAT GALLAHER

 
— You can do it, Myles Crawford repeated, clenching his hand in emphasis. Wait a minute. We’ll paralyse Europe as Ignatius Gallaher used to say when he was on the shaughraun, doing billiardmarking in the Clarence. Gallaher, that was a pressman for you. That was a pen. You know how he made his mark? I’ll tell you. That was the smartest piece of journalism ever known. That was in eightyone, sixth of May, time of the invincibles, murder in the Phoenix park, before you were born, I suppose. I’ll show you.

He pushed past them to the files.

 
— Look at here, he said turning. The
New York World
cabled for a special. Remember that time?

Professor MacHugh nodded.

 
—
New York World
, the editor said, excitedly pushing back his straw hat. Where it took place. Tim Kelly, or Kavanagh I mean. Joe Brady and the rest of them. Where Skin-the-Goat drove the car. Whole route, see?

 
— Skin-the-Goat, Mr O’Madden Burke said. Fitzharris. He has that cabman’s shelter, they say, down there at Butt bridge. Holohan told me. You know Holohan?

 
— Hop and carry one, is it? Myles Crawford said.

 
— And poor Gumley is down there too, so he told me, minding stones for the corporation. A night watchman.

Stephen turned in surprise.

 
— Gumley? he said. You don’t say so? A friend of my father’s, is it?

 
— Never mind Gumley, Myles Crawford cried angrily. Let Gumley mind the stones, see they don’t run away. Look at here. What did Ignatius Gallaher do? I’ll tell you. Inspiration of genius. Cabled right away. Have you
Weekly Freeman
of 17 March? Right. Have you got that?

He flung back pages of the files and stuck his finger on a point.

 
— Take page four, advertisement for Bransome’s coffee, let us say. Have you got that? Right.

The telephone whirred.

A DISTANT VOICE

 
— I’ll answer it, the professor said, going.

 
— B is parkgate. Good.

His finger leaped and struck point after point, vibrating.

 
— T is viceregal lodge. C is where murder took place. K is Knockmaroon gate.

The loose flesh of his neck shook like a cock’s wattles. An illstarched dicky jutted up and with a rude gesture he thrust it back into his waistcoat.

 
— Hello?
Evening Telegraph
here... Hello?... Who’s there?... Yes... Yes... Yes.

 
— F to P is the route Skin-the-Goat drove the car for an alibi, Inchicore, Roundtown, Windy Arbour, Palmerston Park, Ranelagh. F.A.B.P. Got that? X is Davy’s publichouse in upper Leeson street.

The professor came to the inner door.

 
— Bloom is at the telephone, he said.

 
— Tell him go to hell, the editor said promptly. X is Davy’s publichouse, see? CLEVER, VERY

 
— Clever, Lenehan said. Very.

 
— Gave it to them on a hot plate, Myles Crawford said, the whole bloody history.

Nightmare from which you will never awake.

 
— I saw it, the editor said proudly. I was present. Dick Adams, the besthearted bloody Corkman the Lord ever put the breath of life in, and myself.

Lenehan bowed to a shape of air, announcing:

 
— Madam, I’m Adam. And Able was I ere I saw Elba.

 
— History! Myles Crawford cried. The Old Woman of Prince’s street was there first. There was weeping and gnashing of teeth over that. Out of an advertisement. Gregor Grey made the design for it. That gave him the leg up. Then Paddy Hooper worked Tay Pay who took him on to the
Star.
Now he’s got in with Blumenfeld. That’s press. That’s talent. Pyatt! He was all their daddies!

 
— The father of scare journalism, Lenehan confirmed, and the brother-in-law of Chris Callinan.

 
— Hello?... Are you there?... Yes, he’s here still. Come across yourself.

 
— Where do you find a pressman like that now, eh? the editor cried. He flung the pages down.

 
— Clamn dever, Lenehan said to Mr O’Madden Burke.

 
— Very smart, Mr O’Madden Burke said.

Professor MacHugh came from the inner office.

 
— Talking about the invincibles, he said, did you see that some hawkers were up before the recorder?

 
— O yes, J. J. O’Molloy said eagerly. Lady Dudley was walking home through the park to see all the trees that were blown down by that cyclone last year and thought she’d buy a view of Dublin. And it turned out to be a commemoration postcard of Joe Brady or Number One or Skin-the-Goat. Right outside the viceregal lodge, imagine!

 
— They’re only in the hook and eye department, Myles Crawford said. Psha! Press and the bar! Where have you a man now at the bar like those fellows, like Whiteside, like Isaac Butt, like silvertongued O’Hagan. Eh? Ah, bloody nonsense. Psha! Only in the halfpenny place.

His mouth continued to twitch unspeaking in nervous curls of disdain.

Would anyone wish that mouth for her kiss? How do you know? Why did you write it then?

RHYMES AND REASONS

Mouth, south. Is the mouth south someway? Or the south a mouth? Must be some. South, pout, out, shout, drouth. Rhymes: two men dressed the same, looking the same, two by two.

    
........................ la tua pace

   
.................. che parlar ti piace

   
.... mentreché il vento, come fa, si tace.

He saw them three by three, approaching girls, in green, in rose, in russet, entwining,
per l’aer perso
, in mauve, in purple,
quella pacifica oriafiamma
, gold of oriflamme,
di rimirar fe piu ardenti.
But I old men, penitent, leadenfooted, underdarkneath the night: mouth south: tomb womb.

 
— Speak up for yourself, Mr O’Madden Burke said.

SUFFICIENT FOR THE DAY...

J. J. O’Molloy, smiling palely, took up the gage.

 
— My dear Myles, he said, flinging his cigarette aside, you put a false construction on my words. I hold no brief, as at present advised, for the third profession qua profession but your Cork legs are running away with you. Why not bring in Henry Grattan and Flood and Demosthenes and Edmund Burke? Ignatius Gallaher we all know and his Chapelizod boss, Harmsworth of the farthing press, and his American cousin of the Bowery guttersheet not to mention
Paddy Kelly’s Budget, Pue’s Occurrences
and our watchful friend
The Skibbereen Eagle
. Why bring in a master of forensic eloquence like Whiteside? Sufficient for the day is the newspaper thereof. LINKS WITH BYGONE DAYS OF YORE

 
— Grattan and Flood wrote for this very paper, the editor cried in his face. Irish volunteers. Where are you now? Established 1763. Dr Lucas. Who have you now like John Philpot Curran? Psha!

 
— Well, J. J. O’Molloy said, Bushe K.C., for example.

 
— Bushe? the editor said. Well, yes: Bushe, yes. He has a strain of it in his blood. Kendal Bushe or I mean Seymour Bushe.

 
— He would have been on the bench long ago, the professor said, only for ... But no matter.

J. J. O’Molloy turned to Stephen and said quietly and slowly:

 
— One of the most polished periods I think I ever listened to in my life fell from the lips of Seymour Bushe. It was in that case of fratricide, the Childs murder case. Bushe defended him.
And in the porches of mine ear did pour.

By the way how did he find that out? He died in his sleep. Or the other story, beast with two backs?

 
— What was that? the professor asked.