Complete Works of Robert Louis Stevenson (Illustrated) (517 page)

The Scene represents the Procurator’s Office

SCENE I

Lawson, Hunt

Lawson (
entering
). Step your way in, Officer. (
At wing.
) Mr. Carfrae, give a chair to yon decent wife that cam’ in wi’ me. Nae news?

A Voice without. Naething, sir.

Lawson (
sitting
). Weel, Officer, and what can I do for you?

Hunt. Well, sir, as I was saying, I’ve an English warrant for the apprehension of one Jemmy Rivers,
alias
Captain Starlight, now at large within your jurisdiction.

Lawson. That’ll be the highwayman?

Hunt. That same, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal. The Captain’s given me a hard hunt of it this time. I dropped on his marks at Huntingdon, but he was away North, and I had to up and after him. I heard of him all along the York road, for he’s a light hand on the pad, has Jemmy, and leaves his mark. I missed him at York by four-and-twenty hours, and lost him for as much more. Then I picked him up again at Carlisle, and we made a race of it for the Border; but he’d a better nag, and was best up in the road; so I had to wait till I ran him to earth in Edinburgh here and could get a new warrant. So here I am, sir. They told me you were an active sort of gentleman, and I’m an active man myself. And Sir John Fielding, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal, he’s an active gentleman likewise, though he’s blind as a
h
image, and he desired his  compliments to you (sir, and said that between us he thought we’d do the trick).

Lawson. Ay, he’ll be a fine man, Sir John. Hand me owre your papers, Hunt, and you’ll have your new warrant
quam primum
. And see here, Hunt, ye’ll aiblins have a while to yoursel’, and an active man, as ye say ye are, should aye be grinding grist. We’re sair forfeuchen wi’ our burglaries.
Non constat de personâ.
We canna get a grip o’ the delinquents. Here is the
Hue and Cry
. Ye see there is a guid two hundred pounds for ye.

Hunt. Well, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal (I ain’t a rich man, and two hundred’s two hundred. Thereby, sir), I don’t mind telling you I’ve had a bit of a worry at it already. You see, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal, I had to look into a ken to-night about the Captain, and an old cock always likes to be sure of his walk; so I got one of your Scots officers — him as was so polite as to show me round to Mr. Brodie’s — to give me full particulars about the ‘ouse, and the flash companions that use it. In his list I drop on the names of two old lambs of my own; and I put it to you, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal, as a gentleman as knows the world, if what’s a black sheep in London is likely or not to be keeping school in Edinburgh?

Lawson.
Coelum non animum.
A just observe.

Hunt. I’ll give it a thought, sir, and see if I can’t kill two birds with one stone. Talking of which, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal, I’d like to have a bit of a confab with that nice young woman as came to pay her rent.

Lawson. Hunt, that’s a very decent woman.

Hunt. And a very decent woman may have mighty queer pals, Mr. Procurator-Fiscal. Lord love you, sir, I don’t know what the profession would do without ‘em!

Lawson. Ye’re vera richt, Hunt. An active and a watchful officer, I’ll send her in till ye.

SCENE II

Hunt (
solus
). Two hundred pounds reward. Curious thing. One burglary after another, and these Scots blockheads without a man to show for it. Jock runs east, and Sawney cuts west; everything’s at a deadlock and they go on calling themselves thief-catchers! (By Jingo, I’ll show them how we do it down South! Well, I’ve worn out a good deal of saddle-leather over Jemmy Rivers; but here’s for new breeches if you like.) Let’s have another queer at the list. (
Reads.
) “Humphrey Moore, otherwise Badger; aged forty, thick-set, dark, close-cropped; has been a prize-fighter; no apparent occupation.” Badger’s an old friend of mine. “George Smith, otherwise the Dook, otherwise Jingling Geordie; red-haired and curly, slight, flash; an old thimble-rig; has been a stroller; suspected of smuggling; an associate of loose women.” G. S., Esquire, is another of my flock. “Andrew Ainslie, otherwise Slink Ainslie; aged thirty-five; thin, white-faced, lank-haired; no occupation; has been in trouble for reset of theft and subornation of youth; might be useful as King’s evidence.” That’s an acquaintance to make. “Jock Hamilton otherwise Sweepie,” and so on. (“Willie M’Glashan,” hum — yes, and so on, and so on.) Ha! here’s the man I want. “William Brodie, Deacon of the Wrights, about thirty; tall, slim, dark; wears his own hair; is often at Clarke’s, but seemingly for purposes of amusement only; (is nephew to the Procurator-Fiscal; is commercially sound, but has of late (it is supposed) been short of cash; has lost much at cock-fighting;) is proud, clever, of good repute, but is fond of adventures and secrecy, and keeps low company.” Now, here’s what I ask myself: here’s this list of the family party that drop into Mother Clarke’s; it’s been in the  hands of these nincompoops for weeks, and I’m the first to cry Queer Street! Two well-known cracksmen, Badger and the Dook! why, there’s Jack in the Orchard at once. This here topsawyer work they talk about, of course that’s a chalk above Badger and the Dook. But how about our Mohock-tradesman? “Purposes of amusement!” What next? Deacon of the Wrights? and Wright in their damned lingo means a kind of carpenter, I fancy? Why, damme, it’s the man’s trade! I’ll look you up, Mr. William Brodie, Deacon of the Wrights. As sure as my name’s Jerry Hunt, I wouldn’t take one-ninety-nine in gold for my chance of that ‘ere two hundred!

SCENE III

Hunt; to him, Jean

Hunt. Well, my dear, and how about your gentleman friend now? How about Deacon Brodie?

Jean. I dinna ken your name, sir, nor yet whae ye are; but this is a very poor employ for ony gentleman — it sets ill wi’ ony gentleman to cast my shame in my teeth.

Hunt. Lord love you, my dear, that ain’t my line of country. Suppose you’re not married and churched a hundred thousand times, what odds to Jerry Hunt? Jerry, my Pamela Prue, is a cove as might be your parent; a cove renowned for the ladies’ friend (and he’s dead certain to be on your side). What I can’t get over is this: here’s this Mr. Deacon Brodie doing the genteel at home, and leaving a nice young ‘oman like you — as a cove may say — to take it out on cold potatoes. That’s what I can’t get over, Mrs. Watt. I’m a family man myself; and I can’t get over it.

Jean. And whae said that to ye? They lee’d whatever.  I get naething but guid by him; and I had nae richt to gang to his house; and O, I just ken I’ve been the ruin of him!

Hunt. Don’t you take on, Mrs. Watt. Why, now I hear you piping up for him, I begin to think a lot of him myself. I like a cove to be open-handed and free.

Jean. Weel, sir, and he’s a’ that.

Hunt. Well, that shows what a wicked world this is. Why, they told me —  — . Well, well, “here’s the open ‘and and the ‘appy ‘art.” And how much, my dear — speaking as a family man — now, how much might your gentleman friend stand you in the course of a year?

Jean. What’s your wull?

Hunt. That’s a mighty fancy shawl, Mrs. Watt. (I should like to take its next-door neighbour to Mrs. Hunt in King Street, Common Garden.) What’s about the figure?

Jean. It’s paid for. Ye can sweir to that.

Hunt. Yes, my dear, and so is King George’s crown; but I don’t know what it cost, and I don’t know where the blunt came from to pay for it.

Jean. I’m thinking ye’ll be a vera clever gentleman.

Hunt. So I am, my dear; and I like you none the worse for being artful yourself. But between friends now, and speaking as a family man —  —

Jean. I’ll be wishin’ ye a fine nicht. (
Curtsies and goes out.
)

SCENE IV

Hunt (
solus
)

Hunt. Ah! that’s it, is it? “My fancy man’s my ‘ole delight,” as we say in Bow Street. But which
is
the fancy man? George the Dook, or William the  Deacon? One or both? (
He winks solemnly.
) Well, Jerry, my boy, here’s your work cut out for you; but if you took one-nine-five for that ere little two hundred you’d be a disgrace to the profession.

TABLEAU III

Mother Clarke’s

The Stage represents a room of coarse and sordid appearance: settles, spittoons, etc.; sanded floor. A large table at back, where Ainslie, Hamilton, and others are playing cards and quarrelling. In front, L. and R., smaller tables, at one of which are Brodie and Moore, drinking. Mrs. Clarke and women serving
.

SCENE I

Moore. You’ve got the devil’s own luck, Deacon, that’s what you’ve got.

Brodie. Luck! Don’t talk of luck to a man like me! Why not say I’ve the devil’s own judgment? Men of my stamp don’t risk — they plan, Badger; they plan, and leave chance to such cattle as you (and Jingling Geordie. They make opportunities before they take them).

Moore. You’re artful, ain’t you?

Brodie. Should I be here else? When I leave my house I leave an
alibi
behind me. I’m ill — ill with a jumping headache, and the fiend’s own temper. I’m sick in bed this minute, and they’re all going about with the fear of death on them lest they should disturb the poor sick Deacon. (My bedroom door is barred and bolted like the bank — you remember! — and all the while the window’s open, and the Deacon’s over the hills and far away. What do you think of me?)

Moore. I’ve seen your sort before, I have.

Brodie. Not you. As for Leslie’s —  —

Moore. That was a nick above you.

Brodie. Ay was it. He wellnigh took me red-handed; and that was better luck than I deserved. If I’d not been drunk and in my tantrums, you’d never have got my hand within a thousand years of such a job.

Moore. Why not? You’re the King of the Cracksmen, ain’t you?

Brodie. Why not! He asks me why not! Gods what a brain it is! Hark ye, Badger, it’s all very well to be King of the Cracksmen, as you call it; but however respectable he may have the misfortune to be, one’s friend is one’s friend, and as such must be severely let alone. What! shall there be no more honour among thieves than there is honesty among politicians? Why, man, if under heaven there were but one poor lock unpicked, and that the lock of one whose claret you’ve drunk, and who has babbled of woman across your own mahogany — that lock, sir, were entirely sacred. Sacred as the Kirk of Scotland; sacred as King George upon his throne; sacred as the memory of Bruce and Bannockburn.

Moore. O, rot! I ain’t a parson, I ain’t; I never had no college education. Business is business. That’s wot’s the matter with me.

Brodie. Ay, so we said when you lost that fight with Newcastle Jemmy, and sent us home all poor men. That was a nick above
you
.

Moore. Newcastle Jemmy! Muck: that’s my opinion of him: muck. I’ll mop the floor up with him any day, if so be as you or any on ‘em ‘ll make it worth my while. If not, muck! That’s my motto. Wot I now ses is, about that ‘ere crib at Leslie’s, wos I right, I ses? or wos I wrong? That’s wot’s the matter with you.

 Brodie. You are both right and wrong. You dared me to do it. I was drunk; I was upon my mettle; and I as good as did it. More than that, blackguardly as it was, I enjoyed the doing. He is my friend. He had dined with me that day, and I felt like a man in a story. I climbed his wall, I crawled along his pantry roof, I mounted his window-sill. That one turn of my wrist — you know it! — and the casement was open. It was as dark as the pit, and I thought I’d won my wager, when, phewt! down went something inside, and down went somebody with it. I made one leap, and was off like a rocket. It was my poor friend in person; and if he’d caught and passed me on to the watchman under the window, I should have felt no viler rogue than I feel just now.

Moore. I s’pose he knows you pretty well by this time?

Brodie. ‘Tis the worst of friendship. Here, Kirsty, fill these glasses. Moore, here’s better luck — and a more honourable plant! — next time.

Moore. Deacon, I looks towards you. But it looks thundering like rotten eggs, don’t it?

Brodie. I think not. I was masked, for one thing, and for another I was as quick as lightning. He suspects me so little that he dined with me this very afternoon.

Moore. Anyway, you ain’t game to try it on again, I’ll lay odds on that. Once bit, twice shy. That’s your motto.

Brodie. Right again. I’ll put my
alibi
to a better use. And, Badger, one word in your ear: there’s no Newcastle Jemmy about
me
. Drop the subject, and for good, or I shall drop you. (
He rises, and walks backwards and forwards, a little unsteadily; then returns, and sits, L., as before.
)

SCENE II

To these, Hunt, disguised

He is disguised as a “flying stationer” with a patch over his eye. He sits at table opposite Brodie’s, and is served with bread and cheese and beer.

Hamilton (
from behind
). The deevil tak’ the cairts!

Ainslie. Hoot, man, dinna blame the cairts.

Moore. Look here, Deacon, I mean business, I do. (
Hunt looks up at the name of “Deacon.”
)

Brodie. Gad, Badger, I never meet you that you do not. (You have a set of the most commercial intentions!) You make me blush.

Moore. That’s all blazing fine, that is! But wot I ses is, wot about the chips? That’s what I ses. I’m after that thundering old Excise Office, I am. That’s my motto.

Brodie. ‘Tis a very good motto, and at your lips, Badger, it kind of warms my heart. But it’s not mine.

Moore. Muck! why not?

Brodie. ‘Tis too big and too dangerous. I shirk King George; he has a fat pocket, but he has a long arm. (You pilfer sixpence from him, and it’s three hundred reward for you, and a hue and cry from Tophet to the stars.) It ceases to be business; it turns politics, and I’m not a politician, Mr. Moore. (
Rising.
) I’m only Deacon Brodie.