Compliance (27 page)

“That’s why you won’t look at me.”

I snap my gaze up and nod.

“Who have you hurt?” His voice is low but still hard.

“Rats,” I answer. “Up on the roof of our Pent. That’s how I caught so many.”

His face lights up with realization. “I always knew you didn’t use a net. No one’s that quick. Not even you.” Admiration washes onto his face and I step toward him.

Just like Jayma, he gets it. I should have put more trust in
my friends, especially in the boy that I’ve always loved. I’ve wasted so much energy hiding secrets, and it’s such a relief that he and Jayma, my closest friends, the people who love me, accept me for who I am.

“I’m so glad you understand.” I smile. “Listen. I’m hiding Jayma. She’s in trouble. Do you want to come with me to see her? She’s on the roof of the Exec Building. It’s easy to sneak over. I go up the air vent from our hall to the roof and then—”

He frowns and backs away.

It feels like a punch. A lump forms in my throat.

“Why did that Deviant terrorist kidnap you?” he asks, his voice cold. “Are the terrorists converting all the Deviants to their cause?” He shakes his head. “None of this makes sense.”

I swallow so hard it hurts. “I was never kidnapped. The boy who they think kidnapped me—his name is Burn. He saved Drake. Burn had to get him out of Haven before Drake was exed or put into the Hospital.”

“You went with that monster on purpose?” The shock and pain in Cal’s voice is clear. He backs away and crosses his arms over his chest. “You know his name?”

“He’s not a monster.” My cheeks heat. “He’s a boy my age, and he’s brave and strong, and he saved me and Drake. He’s been through more than either of us could ever imagine. Don’t call him a monster.”

Cal’s arms drop to his sides as if he’s suddenly lost muscular control. “He’s the reason you’ve been so distant since you got back.” He shakes his head. “I thought you
were traumatized, but that wasn’t it, was it? The distance… you not letting me touch you… it was all about him.”

My mouth drops open. My tone and my words revealed more than I meant them to. And Cal’s figured out things I wasn’t even sure of myself until now. I can’t speak. I don’t know what to say.

“What happened while you were gone?” Cal’s chin rises. “Do you love him?”

I jump forward and put my hand on Cal’s arm, but he pulls away.

“Cal, when I met Burn, I thought you’d betrayed me. You’d just joined the Jecs. I thought you’d turned Drake in to the Comps. I thought you were the reason the Comps came that night. I was confused.”

Hurt floods his expression, but then he closes his eyes. All I can hear is my heart beating as I wait for him to say something, do something. It feels like hours pass.

His eyes reopen and his expression is eerily blank. “It’s him you want.” He twists the dating license on his wrist as if it hurts. “I can tell by the way you talk about him. I should have known. You barely let me touch you when you came back. You could have just said.”

“No.” I reach forward but drop my hand before it makes contact. “I’m sorry. I was confused—maybe I still am—but Cal, I don’t know what I’d do without you.” My heart rises in my throat. “You have to believe me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I don’t want to now.”

“But you’re
confused
.” His voice is cold.

“Cal, I feel like you’re part of me. I wouldn’t know how to
breathe or to walk or to talk if you weren’t part of my life. I thought you’d betrayed Drake. I thought you’d betrayed
me
, and it felt like I’d died. And since I got back, having to keep all these secrets made me feel divided, like I’d been cut up into little pieces. I didn’t even recognize parts of myself anymore. That’s why I was distant.”

“But you’ve always kept secrets.” His voice is clipped. “You’re a master liar. You play a different part for everyone you know.” He glares down at me. “How do I know you’re not playing me right now?”

My chest is imploding, my whole world collapsing. “I’m not. Please, Cal. Everything I’ve said tonight is the truth, and everything that’s happened between us since I’ve been back has been real. The truth. What I feel for you is real.” As I say it, I believe it.

“And what about him?” He drops my hand. “The Deviant? What do you call what you feel for him? Is that real too?”

“I—” I promised myself I’d be honest with Cal from now on, and I’m too tired to do anything else. “It would be easy to tell you that I feel nothing for Burn, but it’s not true. He understands me in ways you can’t.”

Cal winces.

I feel sick. “You have to understand, Cal. Burn saved my life. He saved Drake’s life. He brought us to our dad.”

“Your dad?” Cal staggers back. He tucks down with his hands on his head, then springs back up. “Your father is dead. He was exed over three years ago. I saw it.” He rubs his hand over his hair. “Has this all been lies?”

My heart crashes against my ribs. “No. Not tonight. Everything I’ve told you is true.” I back toward the couch. “Please. Sit down. Let me explain.” I sit, and he steps closer but stands above me, looking down.

“My dad’s alive,” I tell him. “He and Drake live Outside.”

“Impossible.” Cal’s voice is curt.

“No, it’s true. Management lies about what it’s like Outside. I know. I’ve been there. There’s more dust around Haven than other places. Management does it on purpose.”

He shakes his head, his expression hard. I’m losing him.

“Based on what you saw at the Hospital, even based on what we’ve learned in our COT classes, you must realize not everything we were taught in GT, and what they share with lower level employees, is true.” I can’t catch my breath.

“So you’re telling me your dad is a Shredder now?” Cal’s voice is laced with disgust.

“No.” I bite my lip. Why won’t he understand? “When Dad was exed, Burn—and some other people he works with—saved my dad from the Shredders.”

“Burn again.” Cal’s nostrils flare and his eyes narrow. “Even if that’s true, your father killed your mother. He should have paid for that.”

I press my hand against my forehead, and cowardice chokes my ultimate confession, the one thing I’m still holding back. Cal’s right. My mother’s killer should be brought to justice, but I am that killer—me—and even though I started this conversation wanting to tell him everything, I can’t. Not now. Not that. If I tell him, he’ll never speak to me again.

Cal can’t turn me in. The stakes are too high. I need his
silence, if only until I save Jayma and Tobin. And I need to get Scout out of the Hospital. And I need to make sure the rebels don’t bomb the Hub. The confidence I felt an hour ago has vanished. “Are you going to turn me in?” My voice comes out in a whisper.

Cal widens his legs and glares. “Are you a terrorist? Because if you had any part in that scaffolding collapse”—he bends down toward me—“I won’t bother to turn you in. I’ll kill you.”

The fierceness in his eyes punches into me, and I have to turn away before I answer. “I had nothing to do with that. I’m trying to
stop
the terrorists.” And I thank Haven that no one showed Cal the footage of Zina and Burn loosening the bolts.

Cal puts the heels of his hands on his temples, clearly having trouble absorbing all I’ve told him. “And Mr. Belando? Were you lying about all that too?” His eyes fill with horror and hate. “Are
you
the mole?”

“Of course not.”

“Thank Haven for that.” His tone’s sincere, not sarcastic. He paces across the room and back a few times, and I press my hand to my chest to keep my heart inside.

He drops down on the couch beside me, a few feet away, but it’s progress. He just needs to think through all I’ve told him.

I’m in so deep, pulled in so many directions, that it’s hard to know who or what poses the greatest danger right now. But I feel sure it’s not Cal. I should have told him the truth sooner. Calm, cool Cal, loyal to a fault. He’d never turn
against me, even if he can’t accept me as a Deviant. He didn’t turn against me when he found out I was hiding Drake, even though he was a Jecs.

I place my hand softly on his shoulder. “What are you thinking? Do you have any questions? I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.”

He sits back and turns toward me. “What am I supposed to think? I thought I loved you, and you’ve just told me that you’re something I’ve been taught all my life to despise, to fear. Not only that, it’s obvious that you know something about the people who hurt my brother. Information you’re holding back from the Comps.” His head bangs against the concrete wall behind us.

“Careful.”

Not responding, he sits there, staring forward in silence. Anxiety swirls through me, eating away at my composure. He needs more time to think, to process all I’ve told him, but I can’t afford to wait. If I don’t leave right now, I won’t have time to look for Burn before the rebels’ meeting.

I grab his arm. “You’ll keep quiet, right? You won’t tell anyone about me? About Jayma? I need time to get her to safety.”

“Safety?” He shakes his head. “You’re hiding her on the roof of the Exec Building. How can that possibly be safe?”

I look at him with a million questions in my eyes. Pleading.

He jumps to his feet.

“Cal.” I chase after him. “Don’t do anything before talking to me. Please. Promise.”

He spins back. “You’ve got a lot of nerve to ask me to promise anything.”

A
NXIETY KEEPS ME
awake until Stacy’s asleep. As soon as I hear her snoring, I start to get off the bed, but discover another slip of paper. Panicked, I risk cranking my lantern and I hide the light under my blanket to read.

The note says, “Laundry compromised.” Then it lists another address.

My stomach tightens. It’s not like I had any doubts that the mole had found me, but now I feel as if I’m being watched by a thousand eyes, as if I’ve been fooling myself into thinking I can do anything in secret.

Does the mole know about Jayma and Tobin? I need to make sure they’re safe, even if it means I don’t have time to find Burn before the meeting.

My feet hit the floor at the side of the bunks and my legs scream in pain. Stacy snorts in her sleep and turns over,
but doesn’t wake. I sneak out of the room, then through the grate in our hall, and up the ventilation tubes that lead to the roof.

Slipping onto the roof, I hear a clang down lower in the vent and thinking I’m caught, I freeze for a moment, but no other sound follows. Keeping low, I race across the roof and race to the Exec Building.

When I slip past the bent panel, Tobin’s sitting on the floor, his wings spread, and Jayma’s behind him, running her hands over his feather-like fronds. Somehow she got him cleaned, and his skin tone’s naturally darker than I thought, almost olive. He takes after Gage more than Theresa.

Jayma turns toward me and smiles. “Hi.”

I sit down next to them. “Looks like you’re feeling better.”

She tips up one shoulder in a half-shrug. “Tobin’s wings get stiff when he’s cooped up.”

Tobin turns and his wings drop down behind his back. I want to know if they retract entirely but it seems rude to check. Of all the Deviances I’ve seen, his is one of the coolest, and I wonder if he can actually fly like the bird I saw above the lake near the Settlement. It might not have occurred to him to try. He’s never seen a bird.

“When is your friend getting us out of here?” Tobin asks, his face painted with eagerness.

“Be patient.” Jayma touches his arm and I smile inwardly, glad she has a project, someone to take care of. Now I need to live up to my end.

“Soon,” I say. “I’m going to meet with him right now. I’ll tell you the plan tomorrow.”

“What’s it like Outside?” Tobin asks. “Will I really be able to let my wings show?”

“Yup. Once you get to the Settlement, anyway.” I realize there’s no harm in my using that word. It’s not as if it’s a map to lead the Comps there, if the unthinkable happens.

“Have you got everything you need?” I ask Jayma.

She nods. “The maintenance workers’ water up here isn’t locked. We got Tobin cleaned up.”

“Thank you so much.” My heart swells with love for my friend.

“I’m the one who should thank you,” she says.

I want to argue, but there’s no time. “I need to go, but I’ll get back here as soon as I can.”

After leaving Jayma and Tobin, I slip through the hatch into the storeroom, hoping to find Burn but terrified he won’t be there. Tobin and Jayma need him. I need him.

He said he’d wait for me, that he wouldn’t leave Haven without me, but maybe he’s had second thoughts. There’s no movement in the darkness, no sound, and I wait motionless for my eyes to adjust.

Burn draws out of the shadows. “I knew you’d come back.”

“Show me the ring.”

“It’s me.”

“I need to be sure.”

Swallowing the distance between us, he draws me in and bends close to my ear. “I don’t think I should need a ring to convince you.” His deep voice vibrates through me, and his breath heats my neck.

My legs go weak as his lips hover over my throat, my cheek, my hair, never touching but scorchingly close. Engulfed in his arms, I want to ignore reality. But I can’t. I push back.

“Show me the ring.”

Cupping my head in his hands, he bends and captures my lips in a kiss. My hands fly to his chest, but they refuse to push. I’m not sure I want them to. My resolve weakens along with my common sense. My fingers glide over his chest absorbing his heartbeat and heat.

I break the kiss. “No.”

He releases me and I stagger back.

Air rushes from his chest. “I thought you’d know it was me.”

I have no doubt. It’s Burn. “Show me the ring.”

Hurt flashes on his face.

I look down. I don’t want to wound him, but I’m with Cal—assuming he ever speaks to me again.

If Burn believes I don’t have feelings for him anymore, it will be easier for him to accept that I’m with Cal.

Although, if I’m honest, I realize I want it that way because it’ll be easier on me.

“Zina came to see me again,” I tell him, to change the subject.

He digs out the ring and holds it forward. “Did she hurt you?” He reaches for me, but I step back and his hand slices through the charged space between us.