Compulsive (Liar #1) (6 page)

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I paused in front of the glass door of the office building studying my
reflection. I’d never taken so long to pick out an outfit that wasn’t for a
date. It was clear I hadn’t consciously known my own intentions for coming here,
which only added to my muddled brain. What says I’m an interesting woman who is
totally sane? What will make him notice me, but not look like I was on my way
to a club? Obviously nothing in my closet, because I’d left feeling insecure
and inadequate. Again, this man had me examining my every decision. It pained
me that I sought his approval. As I reached for the door, I stiffened. My hand
gripped and yanked it open, my jaw tightening with every second. I stomped in
as I let out a huff of breath.

“Gray. Is everything all right?”

I startled and stopped short, the door bumping my
backside when it closed. “Daniel. What are you doing here?”

“I work here.” He grinned and glanced to the side, but
only for a beat before his blue eyes settled on mine.

For the first time since I’d met him, he wore those
black glasses I’d seen on his desk. A thick off white sweater hung over broad
shoulders and a navy blue shirt. Its softness called me to run my hand down the
front of it. My arms clung faithfully to my side as my eyes wandered up his
tall frame. “I didn’t expect you to…greet me at the door.”

“Actually, I came to get something from my car. But,
that can wait.” He extended his arm in front of him, politely. “Shall we?”

His office was as inviting as the first time, and I
relaxed a bit upon entering. I headed straight back to the large window,
catching a glimpse of the sun as it began its descent behind the adjacent
buildings. There was a certain feeling of freedom standing on display in a
full-length window, yet feeling safe behind a glass wall. “I’ve never seen you
with those glasses on before,” I said into the window. I caught his reflection
as he stood watching me.

“I don’t wear them much. But, I do use them for
reading and writing…and driving, I suppose. You seem to like that view.”

“I do.” A few moments passed, and I wondered how long
he’d stand there waiting for me. “But, I’m sure you’re busy.” I turned, and he
pointed to a chair.

“Please, have a seat.”

He waited for me to sit before taking the chair
diagonally from me, both seats playing an awkward vinyl tune in the still of
the room. I waited for him to speak first, the scene transporting me back to
the principal’s office, called in about my latest offense. Principal Wesley
never caused my cheeks to flush; I looked back to the window for comfort.

“There’s no need to be nervous, Gray.”

“What?” I snapped my attention back to Daniel. “I’m
not. It’s just…getting late…and I’m sure you need to get home yourself.”

“You’re right. Let me get straight to it then.” He
peeled the glasses from his face and placed them on the table between us. “I
asked you here because I’m hoping that I can help you. I wanted to speak with
you in person, ask you some questions, talk about some options.”

I tilted my head in confusion. “Wait a minute. Didn’t
you say the other day that you were
not
taking new patients?”

“I did say that,” he said with a couple of nods. “And
really, I’m not. But, I’m willing to make an exception in your case…”

“I’m sorry. I don’t understand.” I’d considered asking
what changed his mind. Had Alyssa said something to Jessie? Was it because of
what happened at the hospital with that obnoxious guy?

“I’m sure this is a bit confusing, and I apologize for
that. Can I just ask you, Gray? What do you want to get out of this? What’s
your goal?”

I inhaled, realizing it was possibly the worst time to
spit out a flippant or unthoughtful answer.

“Take your time. Tell me what you’re
thinking…truthfully, please.”

Truthfully
? With a defining moment staring me
in the face, I scrambled to weigh my options. Part of me fought against telling
him I only wanted to get through the next six months and get back to my life.
That it was all a misunderstanding, which would actually be the truth. No
matter what my goal was, Daniel had become more than Dr. Harrison to me now. He
was a man. A tall, sweet, sexy man that belonged in an Abercrombie catalog
reading next to a fire. How could I let him see
me
now? How could I tell
him what needed to be told in order to stick with what I’d promised myself?
What I’d told Nathan.

I shook my head, fighting the emotion building inside
of me. I let out a weary breath.

“Gray.” His low voice, barely audible to me, took a
few seconds to register.

Say something
, I commanded myself. “I, uh…”

His penetrating stare willed me to respond.

God, had I totally blown this chance by getting too
comfortable with Daniel
? Maybe I should have selected a different doctor, a
stranger who wouldn’t look at me with understanding, pity, and dreamy midnight
blue eyes. But, a different doctor, I was sure, would only cause me to close up
further. If I was ever going to take a leap of faith, it was now or never.
“What I want…is to be happy. What I want…is to feel somewhat normal.” I looked
down at my hands when he leaned forward in his chair, listening intently. “I
want to know that when I speak, my words are genuine…and from my heart.” I
turned toward the window once again, focusing on the tops of the tall trees. “I
want to stop seeing things that aren’t there…things I know are not real.” My shallow
breathing caused my voice to shake. “I want to let go of the past, once and for
all so that maybe… I can find a way to move on.”

My words, like a blanket of fog, hung in the air.

Daniel’s unreadable expression puzzled me. “I know that
wasn’t easy for you, Gray. And I believe you mean what you’re saying.”

“But?”

“But, if I’m going to see you and work through some of
these things with you, I need a couple of…reassurances.”

He greeted my suspicious gaze with raised eyebrows,
and an arrogance that affected me in a perplexing way. “What…‘reassurances’?”

“You have to promise me that you’re going to be honest…
always
.”

I opened my mouth in protest, but it was merely a
reflex.

“I’m not saying you have to tell me anything you don’t
feel comfortable talking about. If you’re not ready to share something, say so.
But, if you choose to answer a question, you must respond truthfully and
thoughtfully.”

“I get it; you don’t want to waste your time.”

“Gray…I don’t want to waste
your
time either.” An
imperious voice commanded my attention; compelling eyes bore into me, not
allowing me to escape. “And I genuinely believe that if you trust me…I can help
you.”

Yeah, not a problem, except for the fact that I’d
never trusted anyone in my life. “So, what else?” I asked, attempting to turn
this into a business negotiation.

“You have to be committed to this. I’d like you to
make our sessions your priority. It’s the only way this will work.”

“Fine.” Was I really doing this with him?

He tucked his chin down as if to say my answer came
too quickly. I kept any evidence that I was impressed from my face. “I won’t
blow this off, Daniel.”

“You’re sure?” He held back a triumphant grin, but I caught
the light in his eyes.

“Daniel, I think we both know I can’t guarantee
everything you’ve expressed here. But, I can tell you I’ll try. I can promise
you that.”

He leaned back in his chair and crossed one leg over
his knee. “That’s good enough for me.” He gave me a small smile, but I didn’t
return it. “I can see you’re still struggling a bit. Try not to worry too much.
We’ll take it slow at first.”

“I understand. And I appreciate all that you’re
offering here. It’s just that…” I hesitated to verbalize my thoughts.

“Do you have other concerns we haven’t addressed?”

Besides the fact that I’m dreading how you’ll look at
me when you see how crazy I am? “Yes, actually. I don’t understand why you’re
doing this. You seemed so against it when I asked you. What changed your mind?”

“I don’t think that should be our focus here.” I
couldn’t read his expression or determine whether or not he was hiding
something. “You said you want to make some serious changes in your life. I
believe I can help you do that. I’d say that we’ve made somewhat of a breakthrough
here. Wouldn’t you agree?”

It was possible he was right. I didn’t need more to
worry about. “I would.” Then, I nodded with a smile.

--------------------------

At four AM, I woke up with an instant feeling of dread. I turned on my
side, staring at the clock and willing myself back to sleep. My thoughts were
already on the day ahead, so my attempts at sleep were futile. It was Friday.
Not only was my first session with Daniel set for six that night, but Aunt Becca
had a meeting with her lawyer at two. I offered to go with her; thank God she
said no. Her messy divorce from Harvey was about to get messier. I’d predicted
from the beginning those two wouldn’t make it, no matter how compatible they
seemed. As much as the twins annoyed the hell out of me and made my life
miserable growing up, I still felt obliged to be on their side. It’s what my
mother would have wanted. I couldn’t help but wonder if she were still here if
she’d have made any impact on those two…or me, for that matter. Already in her
teens when Grandma had them, she didn’t have many years to influence their
lives. My heart ached for what could have been, what she could have done for
all of us. She was sweet and pure and loving, and the three of us got shorted
that experience. Maybe if she’d been around…

I popped up in bed, clearing the depressing reality
from my brain. What would be the point of going over it again? I laughed at
myself when I realized the point would be made clear when I started seeing
Daniel. I had to get used to hashing these issues out if I intended to keep my
promise.

I threw on some yoga pants and a long-sleeved T-shirt
and at five AM, I texted Alyssa. I told her something big and furry was outside
her door, and she’d better come out quickly.

“Are you fucking insane?” she whispered when she
opened the door.

“Language, babe,” I said, to make it official. I
handed her the pink fluffy slippers she’d left at my place a week ago. “How
else would I get you out here at this hour?”

“Well, I was hoping for a kitten.”

“I know. I’m sorry.” I did some mini jogging in place.
“C’mon, go for a run with me. You could use the exercise.”

 “Are you calling me a fat ass?”

“No, I’m calling you a lazy ass. Plus, you need to get
ready for P.E. when school starts back up.”

“Don’t remind me. I’ve got orientation today.”

“C’mon, it’ll be great. Now, get dressed. Is your mom still
asleep?”

“Is Madonna a senior citizen?”

“Um…no.”

“Oh. Whatever. Hang on.” She shut the door, and five
minutes later emerged in a pair of black ratty sweats, an oversized black
pullover sweatshirt, and tennis shoes that looked like a semi ran them
over…multiple times.

“You’re going to run in those?”

“What? They’re my P.E. shoes.”

I shook my head, laughing inwardly that one of my best
friends wasn’t even old enough to drive.

We entered the newly awakened streets as the sun broke
through the mist. I steered us toward the walking path about a quarter of a
mile east of our building. We speed walked more than we jogged, talking half
the time. She told me about a fundraiser she was helping Jessie with for the
Leukemia Society. We talked about a horror movie she was dying to see, that I
refused to take her to.

“I’ve got enough disturbing images floating around in
my head already.”

Alyssa stopped abruptly as we entered the dirt trail.
“Is that why you’re seeing a shrink?” she said to my back as I slowed.

I turned with a hand on my hip, breathing out hard,
the sun beginning to penetrate my skin. “What do you know about it?”

“I know enough.” She folded her arms and stayed in
place, a good five yards away.

“Oh, yeah? Tell me.” It took a lot for Alyssa to get
me angry, but I felt my face heat further than it already had from the run.

She hesitated a beat before speaking. “I know you’ve
been seeing some lady. What’s wrong, Gray?” Her voice turned desperate, and my
heart sank. “Why do you treat me like a little kid and not tell me things?” Her
face looked to the side. Even with the distance, I saw her eyes glaze over. I
shuffled over to her.

“Hey…since when do I ever treat you like a little
kid?”

She didn’t answer, only shrugged her shoulders and
then swiped at her eye. I put an arm around her and pulled her into me. “Look, I’m
fine. I just needed to work some things out.”

“Why can’t you talk to me about stuff?”

“Maybe I should have. That lady was sort of a hag.” I
felt her giggle against me. I pulled away slightly to see her face. “Hey, you
know you’re my best girl. There are just some things that I have trouble talking
about… to anyone really.” I didn’t even like talking about the fact that I
couldn’t talk about things. But, I wasn’t about to let Alyssa feel confused or
sad. She needed me to be strong for her.

“I don’t want you to be sad.” Her torn shoes gritted
in the gravel as she escaped up the path. “I don’t want you to be like…”

I jogged to catch up to her. “Your mother?”

She increased her speed again, and I struggled to keep
up with her until we were both in a neck and neck sprint. We whizzed by a woman
walking two Chihuahuas who yapped at us. My leg muscles pulled taut at the
unfamiliar strain. After a minute or two of shoes pounding on hard dirt, I
yelled, “Alyssa, stop! You’re killing me.”

We both slowed; I doubled over, resting my hands on my
knees. Alyssa walked slow circles around me. “I can’t make her happy. I can’t
make you happy. I don’t make anyone happy.”

I huffed out more air and straightened, waiting to
catch my breath. “If I wasn’t so tired…I’d kick you in the ass for saying
that.”

“It’s true…I guess.”

“It’s so not true. What about Jessie? You sure as shit
are making her happy. And don’t you know you’re one of the few bright lights in
my life right now?”

I’d never said anything like that to her before, and
her face showed she was as surprised as I was. Our relationship had started out
slow. We’d only become closer in the last six months or so. Her cheeks puffed
into a slow grin. “Really?”

“Don’t get too excited. You’re still a pain in the
ass.” I held my hand out to her. When her fingers reached mine, I squeezed
them. I gave her a smile and a wink before slowly walking again. “And just so
you know…instead of the hag, I’ll be seeing Daniel for a while.” I glanced over
my shoulder to where she stood with her mouth open. She skipped to catch me.

“Oh my God, are you serious?”

“Don’t make a big deal out of this, Alyssa.” Before
she could answer I added, “And don’t talk to Jessie about it.”

“I won’t, but holy crap!”

As we walked in silence, I hoped we would fade into
another subject. But, Alyssa’s intent eyes and puckered lips told me her mind
was a swirl of possibilities.

“Seriously?” I said, trying to grab her attention.

“What…I just really…like him.”

“Great,” I said, defeated and regretting telling her.

“He’s so sweet to Jessie. She adores him. Man, I’d
love to have an uncle, or a dad like that.”

“Okay, enough already. Let’s go.” I broke into a slow
jog. “We don’t want you to be late for orientation.”

* * *

After we returned, I saw Alyssa safely into her apartment with a hug
and a tug of her hair. Then, I went back out for a quick coffee run before
settling down to my computer. Daniel had texted that he was emailing a form
with some questions about my background. Halfway through filling it out, my
fingers wandered me into a file I hadn’t visited in months. My last entry had
been short, the wording bitter and exasperated.
I fed Dr. Wallace an
embellished story about my father embarrassing me in the school parking lot freshman
year when he had shown up drunk. Her reaction was the same as all the others. A
measured nod and a prompt asking how I felt at the time. I wanted to tell her
the disdain I felt for my father at that moment slightly surpassed what I felt
for her right, then having to stare at the strained button of her blouse,
pulling from her hefty breasts. Seriously, you can afford to buy something that
fits
. The thought of sending Daniel the entire file crossed my mind briefly.
Writing or typing my thoughts and feelings was a whole lot easier than
verbalizing them. If he could read some of the things I couldn’t say, it would
help us both. Better yet, why couldn’t we conduct the sessions via social media
chat? Safety lay behind my computer screen and away from those killer eyes. From
his x-ray vision attempting to see into my soul.

At three-thirty, my doorbell rang.

“Shit,” I mouthed with my eye pressed into the peephole.
Becca’s husband, Harvey, stood glaring at me as if he could see my dark hazel peeper
through the glass.

“I know you’re there, Gray. Open up.”

Worried he’d frighten my neighbors, I slipped the
chain through the slot and eased the door open. “What you do want, Harvey?”

My skeptical gaze landed on the gold cross resting
between the collar of his Redmond’s Auto Repair shirt. “Hey, there she is.” He
shifted his weight back and forth across his feet like a tennis player. His
agitation unnerved me, and my stomach knotted. “Sometimes I forget how freaking
gorgeous you are. Too bad Becca didn’t get those genes.”

“I’m sort of in the middle of something here.” I
wasn’t about to ask what happened at the meeting today, but it couldn’t have
been good.

“C’mon, open the door. I just want to talk for a minute.”
He rubbed his hands together while he swiped his head up and down the hallway.

“Look, I’m sorry about you and Becca, but I probably
shouldn’t talk to you about it. Why don’t you send me an email?”

Harvey pushed his face into the small open space I’d
made with the door. “I’m not going to send you a fucking email,” he said with
quiet intensity. His short dark hair stood tall and frizzy as if his outburst
caused it to shoot straight up.

Panic rose in my chest as I heard footsteps coming up
the stairs and Alyssa due home from school. Harvey backed away right as she
reached the top. He threw on that disgusting smile he used on me way too many
times. “Hey, kid.”

“Hey,” Alyssa said in passing. She turned toward her
own door, not noticing me from my position.

Harvey caught my reaction, gave me a demonic grin, and
then turned back at Alyssa. It wasn’t a time to test his unpredictable
behavior. I knew he’d shoved Becca around a few times no matter how much she
denied it. He took a step in her direction, but I had the door unlatched in an
instant. “You stay the hell away from her!”

They both stopped, gaping at me with their own
surprised looks.

“Gray, what’s going on?” she asked anxiously.

“Go inside, Alyssa.”

“Why. Who’s this guy?” she said with a tough jerking
thumb.

I would have admired her spunk if I wasn’t worried
about her safety. If anything ever happened to her because of me, I don’t know
how I’d go on. “Just an old friend.”

Harvey glared at me and then smiled at Alyssa. “How’s
it going, kid?”

“Enough with the ‘kid’ crap. I’m almost sixteen.”

“Sure, kid. Whatever.”

“Alyssa, I’ll talk to you later.” My voice, along with
a determined nod, was insistent enough to get her to grab her door handle.

“Sure. See ya.” Disappointment floated across her face,
but I couldn’t worry about her feelings.

Harvey and I stay planted in our spots until Alyssa
closed the door. I shook my head and then led him into my apartment.

“It’s been a while,” he said, closing the door behind
him.

I still regretted the day I let him in my place. His
body shop had fixed my car, and he’d come to drop it off, saying his friend would
drive him back. Sure, I was being nice. Becca always hated my attitude toward the
grease ball. The fact that I had no money to pay him was as good a motivation
as any to turn things around. Unfortunately, Harvey mistook my new positive
demeanor and demanded another form of payment from me.

“You know I always had a thing for you,” he’d said
casually as if we were two singles having a drink at a bar.

My protests fell on deaf ears. I’d soon found a groping
hand sliding up the back of my thigh. We struggled briefly before a knock at
the door startled him into defeat. His friend had shown up sooner than he
obviously expected.

I wasn’t up for a repeat performance today, so I went
to the kitchen and stood with vigilance next to my drawer of knives. “I really
do have somewhere to be.”

“Becca’s killing me over here, Gray.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s really none of my business.
Please, don’t involve me.”

“Don’t involve you?” His voice had that quiet tempered
tone as he slinked toward me. “You
involved
yourself when you lied to
Becca.”

Hell yeah, I lied. I wasn’t about to tell her he’d
come on to me. “I didn’t lie,” I said, sounding braver than I felt.

“You told her I was cheating on her, and now she’s on
the war path. She’s trying to get my fucking garage!” A tight fist landed on
the table across from me. I fought not to flinch.

“Harvey, listen. I don’t know why Becca thinks you’re
a damn cheat, but I’d be willing to bet it’s true.”

He shook his head, put his hands into his pockets coolly,
and took a few steps closer. “You don’t know shit.”

My throat closed with his proximity. I set a hand on
the drawer’s knob. He leaned in and said in a wispy soft tone, “Look, all I’m
asking is that you get her to back off a little. Tell her you aren’t sure now.”
He stretched his lips into a grin and spoke amicably. “I don’t want any
trouble. Wouldn’t it be better if this whole thing ended without any issues?”

His calm disturbed me more than his visible anger.
“Yeah. I’ll see what I can do.”

“That’s all I’m asking.” He turned from me, and then I
let out a breath. An instant later, he whirled around with his hand in the air.
The slap came down hard, landing across my left cheekbone. “Too bad I know
you’re a lying bitch.”