Confessions of a Kinky Divorcee (10 page)

In fact, I’m all for forgetting about Guy, but he won’t let me. When he orders Valerie to get what he calls ‘the cock’ out of a drawer, I half expect some plastic cockerel … I’m that messed up by Guy, right now. But when she pulls out something black and glistening and ties it around her waist, I notice that it really is a penis – a plastic strap-on penis that protrudes from her trimmed pussy and makes me instantly twice as horny as I was.

And you’ll never guess what happens then! I become a dominatrix! No, really. I tell her exactly what I want. I make her sit on the edge of the bed while I ride her in ecstasy, and I’m so slick that I might as well be riding a stripper’s pole. I make her fuck me in the missionary position, keeping to my rhythm, and when she disobeys and goes too slow, I reach around and slap her tiny buttocks. Oh, it’s sublime, and her eyes brighten! But as soon as she’s worked up the perfect rhythm, I raise my arms so her beautiful breasts fall into my hands over and over again. But the hottest thing by far is when Guy asks me to stand on the floor, showing off my shoes like a supermodel, while he and Valerie kneel beside me, begging for me to place a foot in their laps, dig a stiletto heel into their thighs or push it between their lips. And I do all these things, one by one, sometimes doing what they say, sometimes doing the opposite. I’m lightheaded from these feelings of power! But the hottest thing is when Valerie plays with her toy cock while I force her to suck on my shoes. She takes the heel into her mouth, then lets me scrape it down her front so it leaves a pink line. She also lets me press her nipples with the sole of my shoe, before placing my foot on her chest and using it to slam her down onto her back. With her eyes wide with shock and arousal, she lets out three tiny ‘oh’s as I press her lovely black toy, which is still wet from my juices, right into her stomach.

And that’s when Guy, who’s standing next to us apparently, lets out a huge groan and shouts, ‘You horny bitches,’ and comes all over my shoe and Valerie’s toy, before turning his aim and coming all over her tits as well. I’m so turned on, Kitten, that I step forward, my feet either side of Valerie’s body, and use the sole of my right foot to smear Guy’s come all over Valerie’s breast; and that’s when I feel him behind me, his breath on my ear, his fingers in me, and he fucks me – with two or three thrusts – before I feel the surge, and I come and come, over and over, staring fixedly at the substance on my shoes and the way it glistens on Valerie’s nipples. I come so fiercely that I fall back into Guy, and when he catches me, and my spasms are finally over, I notice that Valerie’s fingers are in her pussy and her face is heavy with the kind of bliss that forces your gaze upwards and makes you smile like a lunatic. In fact, Kitten, watching her come, bucking her hips onto her fingers, her black toy thrusting against the air, is one of the hottest moments of the night.

Thursday, 22 March

Oh, my God, Kitten, I’m a wreck.

I have to go home before they wake up. All of us slept in Guy’s bed last night, and when I opened my eyes I saw Guy curled around Valerie, holding her hand.

Yes, holding her hand.

He’s
never
held my hand and we’re meant to be dating. It was such an affectionate gesture … as if they’d been dating for years and I wasn’t even in the room. He was smiling so blissfully and she looked so peaceful, curled together like embryos, or honeymooners, or dormice. Their legs were even twined together beneath the sheet that was over them. They were a mix of one another – a happy, affectionate blend.

I feel useless, Kitten. Left out and abused. And I have a hangover. And I feel like a slut. Fortunately, I have the day off, so I’m going home to lick my wounds. One thing’s for sure: if I happen to walk in on Janey and Lil screwing again, I’ll throw them out and bury the key.

Thursday, 22 March

Dear Kitten,

Well, when I got home, I was still rattled – not only by seeing Guy and Valerie curled up together, but also by my embarrassing behaviour last night. I know I vowed to be sexual, Kitten, to stop living a life that was riddled with repression, but if being sexually adventurous results in as much betrayal as being shy and unadventurous, then why should I bother?

Anyhoo, I left without waking Guy and Valerie, and got the bus home. Then once I was at my house, I couldn’t find my key. So I ended up sitting on my own doorstep, emptying my bag, object by object, trying to stay calm. A few minutes after I’d started this process, the front door opened and Janey appeared. ‘What you doing?’ she asked, blinking, surprised.

I’d spent all this time emptying my bag, chiding myself, when I could have just knocked. ‘I thought you’d be at your lectures,’ I said.

‘Dissertation day,’ she said, gazing at the step where the innards of my handbag lay displayed: a pack of hankies, some nail polish, my asthma inhaler, my purse, a book of stamps …

I opened my mouth to say, ‘I lost my key,’ but I couldn’t say the words without bursting into tears.

Before I know it, Janey’s clearing a space on the step by my side, sitting down next to me and wrapping an arm around me. ‘Oh, Debs, please don’t cry!’ she says. ‘Whatever happened, we’ll sort it out.’ And I look up through my tears, because the way she said ‘we’ makes me feel like I matter. ‘Look,’ she says, opening my pack of tissues and passing one to me, ‘I was just popping out to get a pastry and some coffee from Buttercup’s. Dissertation food.’ She gave me a wink. ‘Join me? I’ll pay. I need some time off.’

And I’m so touched that I agree.

Buttercup’s is a bakery round the corner from where I – or we, rather – live. I don’t go in there often because it isn’t en route to the bus, but once we’re seated in the tiny front room, with sunlight falling warmly on our red gingham tablecloth, I feel better – especially when the rosy-cheeked waitress brings us each an almond croissant and coffee in mugs. There’s a small fake carnation in the middle of the table, in a small glass vase. Not classy, but sweet. Perhaps that’s a little like me.

As I tell Janey about my night, including my becoming a total dominatrix, she doesn’t laugh or look amazed. She tips her head, watching me intently, her eyes so blue that it’s as if they’re lit from behind. Of course, I gloss over the sex, just explaining that it was way out there for me, and at times I speak in whispers because there are others nearby – there’s an elderly couple next to us, each doing a crossword puzzle in a different newspaper, and behind them is a girl with a pierced nose listening to music on her earbuds … but I swear she keeps glancing across, as if she can hear me anyway.

When I get to the part about waking up to find Guy and Valerie curled together, Janey’s eyes narrow with fury. The way she tears at a bit of croissant reminds me of the way Henry used to rip up junk mail. He hated junk mail, did Henry.

‘This is the trouble with threesomes,’ says Janey. ‘People get hurt.’

I sigh. ‘I should have guessed it would be a car crash,’ I say.

Janey reaches across and takes my hand. ‘Sweetheart,’ she tells me, ‘this isn’t your fault. I’ve heard that threesomes can be wonderful. But you need strong boundaries – and everyone needs to be clear.’ She says that Guy shouldn’t have set up a threesome with two women he was close to. ‘He could have bought a sex worker,’ Janey explains, ‘or asked a friend who is clearly just a mate.’

‘Instead, he asked French Glamour Girl,’ I say.

‘He asked his PA,’ says Janey. ‘His PA; who he’s obviously fucked before.’

‘Obviously still fucking,’ I sigh.

‘Well, we don’t know,’ says Janey. ‘And that’s the prob.’ She adds that she and Lil recently argued about a similar situation. But when she starts giving the detail, she suddenly flushes and bites her lip. ‘I shouldn’t,’ she mutters. ‘Sorry.’

Suddenly, I feel angry for no good reason. ‘You can’t just leave me dangling!’ I snap. Janey glares at me, about to launch her defence, but I’m to blame, and I know it. I bury my head in my hands. ‘I’m an idiot, Janey. I’m sorry. You’re so sweet bringing me out and listening to me rant.’

In response, Janey leans forward and whispers, ‘Lil’s jealous of you, Debs.’

‘I’m sorry?’ I look right into her serious eyes. ‘Jealous of
me
?’

‘Well, you needn’t look so surprised. You must have noticed … our frisson.’

‘Your frisson with Lil.’

Janey rolls her eyes.

‘Oh,’ I say, as it dawns on me. ‘Your frisson with … me.’

Janey looks adorable, all flushed and serious. There’s a crumb of croissant clinging to her bottom lip and I long to reach across and smooth it away with my thumb. ‘She’s being silly,’ I murmur. ‘It’s obvious you’re crazy about Lil.’

‘I
like
Lil,’ says Janey, ‘I like her a lot. But I don’t lie.’

‘What do you mean?’ I ask.

Janey holds my gaze. ‘When she asked if I had the hots for you, I told her I did.’ I gawp at her, speechless. ‘Problem was,’ she adds, ‘Lil assumed this meant I’d had sex with you. She’s one for assumptions is Lil. Doesn’t get it that I’m a truth-teller.’

‘You are,’ I say. ‘I love that about you.’

She smiles. ‘I know.’

I feel a warmth in my chest and a burning in my sex. ‘I’m too old for you,’ I tell her, amazed at my guts.

‘
I’m
too young for
you
,’ she tells me. Then she gives a sigh. ‘Sometimes, I think I’m older than I should be. That’s what comes of losing your parents so young.’ My heart seems to slowly sink as she tells me how she lost her parents: her mother died of a heart attack in her late forties – so young! – and her father died of cancer only a couple of years ago.

‘Oh, Janey,’ I tell her, softly. ‘I’m so sorry. What a strong and beautiful person you are.’

‘So you see why I don’t always get along with young people?’ says Janey.

‘Of course.’ And to be honest, I almost cry when I say so, because I understand why she came across as so prickly at first. Poor, dear Janey. What a lot of pain. She’s more mature than I’ll ever be, Kitten. She carries it all so well.

‘So I’m an old soul,’ she says, with a flirty little grin. ‘And, by strange coincidence, I
love
to be dommed.’

Oh. My. God. Could any response be hotter?

We watch each other, and as we do, I feel something against my shoe. Janey has somehow slid off her shoe and is stroking my foot with her own. Her gaze grows more ferocious now, as she presses her sole onto the bridge of my foot. ‘The way I feel about you,’ she says, ‘I’m not sure I care anymore.’

What she’s doing is making me tearful and wet, all at the same time. I’m just as horny as I was last night, but there’s something else behind it. When Janey touches me, she touches
me
– not just the bits and pieces of me. And
this
is just footsie! But I’m not unfaithful, so I pull my foot away. ‘You’re with Lil,’ I say, ‘and until you’re not, you need to stay faithful to her.’

She mutters that she’s sorry and lowers her gaze. ‘But I won’t be with Lil for much longer.’

This fact makes me far more excited than it should, so I change the topic, saying, ‘Besides, playing footsie with your boss kind of complicates things.’

She grins so warmly that I long to kiss her, and for a moment I imagine her in the outfit she’ll wear if she gets a permanent job at Pussyfoot Shoes – a pleated skirt and tight pink blouse. I picture her, standing at the till, while I creep up behind her and slide a hand up her skirt. I’d feel the jolt of her body, Kitten, before she wilted with pleasure, perhaps falling over the counter, her breasts against the surface. While I explored her bottom, and she’d purr and tell me she’d been a naughty girl. That’s when I’d raise my hand and …

Oh, my God, Kitten! She’s my Saturday girl, for heaven’s sake! Who am I kidding. This is never going to work. I’ll have let her go by noon on Saturday, mark my words.

Taking a sip of my coffee, I say, ‘Now, tell me about stilettos. Anything you like.’

So she does just that.

9 p.m.

I just got home from dinner with Gladys, who has the biggest mouth of anyone I’ve ever met. Not only because she can’t stop talking about oral sex, but also because she announces my secrets
at the hairdresser’s
, no less. This afternoon, there we were, in chairs next to each other, me with my usual girl, Natalie, Gladys with her gay Boy Wonder whose name I always forget, and Gladys is telling him all about her Italian boyfriend’s penis. Boy Wonder and my girl, Natalie, are giggling away, and I’m rolling my eyes because really, there’s a time and a place. That’s when Gladys asks me, ‘Why so sarky, Lady Muck? Is sucking cock too boring for a lesbian foot-fetish junkie?’

Boy Wonder and Natalie snort with laughter, but I’m so embarrassed that my mouth falls open. ‘Glads! Language, please! This is my private life you’re talking about!’

Gladys giggles, then turns to me. ‘I’m sorry, darling. You’re just too tempting sometimes.’

Still, she makes it up to me afterwards when we go shopping and she buys me a lovely new lipstick because I’ve told her that all is not golden with Guy. Then later, after she’s bought three skirts and a red-beaded choker, she takes me to Pizza Express where she buys us a bottle of Chianti to go with our dough balls. Once they’ve cleared the starters, she leans across the table and takes my hand in both of hers. ‘Enough of the small talk,’ she tells me. ‘The scoop on Guy.’

‘If you joke about it …’ I warn her, hardly able to look in her eyes.

‘I won’t,’ she says. ‘I promise. C’mon.’

And if you can’t trust your best friend, where’s the point in trusting at all? So as soon as I’ve started telling her about the threesome and how we slept together, and how much I enjoyed topping Valerie, and how I woke up to find them holding one another, my eyes get so damp that Gladys has to give me a hankie. She squeezes my hand a little tighter, and leans across the table so I can smell the hairspray on her new, wavy style. And with eyes filled with kindness she says, ‘It’s not to do with him, love. He isn’t the reason you’re hurt. If you think about it, you hardly know Guy. And as for Valerie, you only just met.’ Instead, she tells me, I’m mourning Henry, and seeing this clinch between Guy and his PA as a Henry-like betrayal. ‘It’s classic psychodynamics,’ she tells me. ‘Projection of painful past relationships.’