Confessions of a Naughty Night Nurse (12 page)

‘It wasn’t until I stood that a wave of panic washed over me. Damn thing felt so delicate inside me and it was sliding higher. I’d been a prat yet again. And this time I knew it could be the end of my arsehole forever if I didn’t get some serious help.’

‘You were right to come straight here.’

‘Well, Nadia guessed what I’d done as soon as I very gingerly walked into the kitchen. She didn’t say a word, just got her coat and handbag and ordered me to lie down in the back seat of the Land Rover, on my stomach.’ He shrugged and shook his head. ‘And now you poor people have to deal with me.’

‘Everyone makes mistakes.’ I rested my hand over his. ‘But once this is over, once the surgical team extract the bulb, then what? Will you stop?’

‘Yes, I won’t ever do it again. Not now.’

‘I do really think this should be the last time,’ I said, ‘with home-made plugs, at least. It sounds like they’re the ones that land you in the most trouble, physically.’

He sighed. ‘Yeah, but Nadia won’t allow me to have proper ones.’

‘Then you need to get inventive with your hiding places, or else just buy one plug and keep it hidden … you know where, all of the time.’

‘Mmm, maybe you’re right.’

‘But mostly, you need to have a long talk with Nadia about her lack of ability to trust. How about going for some marriage counselling? Do you think that would help?’

‘I don’t know if anything will. She hates me.’

‘If she hated you she wouldn’t still be at home cooking and watching TV in the evening with you, and she certainly wouldn’t have been concerned enough to drive you all the way here on a wintery night. I think another, impartial person moderating a proper, honest conversation might get things back on track for you both, in and out of the bedroom.’

His face brightened a fraction. ‘You can get people to do that?’

‘Yes, of course, that is what marriage counselling is. Would you like me to get you the information on where to go for that help?’

‘If you could, that would be great. She might finally see sense. If she’ll come with me that is.’ He shook his head and his face fell again. ‘Which I doubt.’

‘I get a feeling, from what you’ve told me, that she does still love you, and if that’s the case then I’m sure she’ll want help. But there is obviously something else going on in her head, something that needs examining.’ I paused. ‘Maybe she’s been cheated on in the past.’

He creased his forehead into a deep frown. ‘She has, her ex was a total ratbag to her for years. She couldn’t believe a thing he said. Prick.’

‘There you go. There are trust issues she needs to face and then come to the understanding that not all blokes are cheats.’ But lots are ratbags, I added silently as my heart subjected me to a familiar pang of loss. ‘And learning to trust again is a slow process, no matter who you’re with. It’s like having a glass vase shatter and trying to carefully piece all of those shards back together again, in just the right place as they were before.’

‘But I’ve never cheated on her and never would. Hell, I couldn’t believe my luck when she married me two years ago. A beautiful woman like her, wanting to spend her life on the farm with me. I thought I’d died and gone to Heaven.’

‘And I’m sure she couldn’t believe her luck.’ I rested my hand over his. ‘Stick with it, get some help and you never know, the rest of that box of toys you won, it might just come in useful after all.’

He managed a half smile and I looked up as Javier opened the curtain. ‘Is theatre all set?’ I asked

‘Yes.’ He flashed a winning smile and strolled in. ‘Good news, I have spoken to Mr Hartley, the consultant on call, and we are going to use sedation to remove the foreign object. That will make for a much quicker recovery period and you’ll be able to go home by sunrise.’

‘Oh, that’s good,’ Tristan said.

‘As long as all goes well.’ Javier frowned. ‘Which we can’t guarantee and is why the procedure will be carried out in the operating theatre, just in case there is a … er … mishap with the glass and more extensive surgery is required.’

‘Yes, absolutely, whatever you think, doctor.’

‘Did you get some history?’ Javier asked, turning to me.

‘Yes, a little.’

‘Great.’ He held the curtain open and made a small gesture with his hand for me to exit the cubicle.

I smiled at Tristan. ‘Theatre staff will be here in a few minutes to collect you and I’ll get that information put in your notes, you know, the name and numbers of who to call to get some mediation.’

‘That would be great, and, you know, thanks for listening.’

‘You’re welcome.’

Once outside the cubicle, Javier cupped my elbow and steered me to one side. ‘What did you learn from him?’

‘That he just can’t help himself. It’s a compulsion.’

‘Do you think he needs a psychiatric referral?’

‘Marriage counselling more like. He needs to find a different way to cope with his distrusting his wife rather than shoving things up his bum-hole.’ A sudden image of Javier and Iceberg flooded my mind – them together in out-patients, her bent double and him ramming in from behind. His stethoscope swinging, white coat flapping and his buttocks clenching.

I looked at Javier now and I just didn’t believe it. The guy was super-hot and far too suave for a bitchy cow like her. Would he really?

‘You ever done it?’ Javier asked, a wicked glint in his dark, velvety eyes.

‘What?’ I knew damn well what he was talking about, but a naughty part of myself wanted to hear him say it.

‘You know, up the arse?’

I pretended to look indignant, though it was hard when his looming proximity was doing funny things to my knees and his aftershave was once again messing with my thought process. ‘No,’ I said. ‘I have a perfectly good part of my anatomy that does the job just fine.’

‘Sensible girl,’ he said, reaching out and tucking a stray strand of hair behind my ear. He let his hand hover on my shoulder, his fingertips just brushing my neck.

‘Why? Is it your thing?’ I asked as a tingle went over my scalp.

He shrugged. ‘To have something in my rectum, no.’

‘How about to dish it out?’

‘No, I’m like you. The traditional way is perfect.’ He lowered his head. ‘And did I ever tell you I think you are perfect?’

I laughed. ‘Now you’re talking rubbish. If you knew me at all you’d know that I’m far from perfect.’

He looked hurt. Oscar nomination hurt. ‘Sharon, nearly two years we have worked in this hospital together. I know you very well, and I do indeed think you are perfect.’ He slipped his finger from my collar to the indent of my throat. ‘Your pretty eyes, your luscious blonde hair, your lips so kissable. And how you smell, your slim ankles in sexy stockings, the curve of your neck, the list goes on and on.’ He made some kind of appreciative click with his tongue. ‘It is all so perfect for me. You are perfect for me.’

‘That’s very sweet of you to say so.’ He was a grade-one flirt that was for certain. But it was OK, because I’d given myself a personal mission to shag him asap and it seemed he had the same thing on his mind.

‘I am a sweet guy.’ He grinned teasingly. ‘So perhaps if you are looking for a foreign object to insert you will think of me.’

Shocking! I twitched my eyebrows. ‘Maybe I will. Italy is part of the EU but still foreign to a Yorkshire lass.’

He leaned a little closer. ‘Let’s get to it soon. You have made me wait so long I ache, right here in the depth of my heart.’

‘In your groin more like.’

‘Nurse Roane. Doctor Garelli.’

A sudden, all too familiar, sharp voice, shook me from my moment of being flamboyantly, if slightly ridiculously, wooed. I turned and saw Iceberg standing with her hands on hips and a flush on her cheeks, staring at us from the middle of the department. ‘Have you nothing else to do but hang around all night chatting?’ she asked.

‘Lisa,’ Javier said, stepping away and holding out his hand towards her. ‘I was just thinking of you.’

I suppressed a laugh. Damn the guy had no shame. If he didn’t have the Armani looks to go with his smooth tongue he’d be heading to the stocks for a shower of rotten tomatoes and soiled incontinence pads. The nurses here just wouldn’t put up with it. Me included. You didn’t need to be a genius to know that everything that came out of his sexy mouth was sugar-coated crap.

‘Mmm, it didn’t look like you were just thinking of me,’ Iceberg said, glaring my way but her voice softening as Javier approached.

I folded my piece of paper into my pocket and tucked away my pen. I didn’t catch her eye. She had enough against me as it was; giving her extra ammunition wasn’t sensible, even in my book.

‘I most certainly was,’ Javier said. ‘I am taking a patient to theatre and I needed to let you know that if things don’t go to plan we will need a surgical high dependency bed.’

‘Mmm.’ She looked suspiciously at him. ‘Really.’

‘Yes, you know that you are always the one I go to when there is something I need.’ He gave another award-winning smile then glanced at his pager which was ringing. ‘Damn, I have to nip to Eyre Ward before I scrub up.’

‘OK, I’ll catch you later,’ she said with a smile.

‘Yes, later.’ He turned.

‘And let me know about that high dependency bed,’ Iceberg called after him, her voice all light and breezy as she gave a little wave.

Yes. She had it bad for him. But was it reciprocated, or was he just using her affection to keep his life easy? Get the senior night nurse on board and he’d have a sweet ride through his time here. It was a sensible plan.

‘I will,’ he said as he strode across the department. His shoes clacked on the floor and his loosely opened coat swished. He caught the attention of staff and patients alike as he went, all probably wondering what snazzy US medical drama he’d floated in from and where the camera crew was hiding.

‘Well?’ Iceberg said, folding her arms and her voice as hard as stone again.

I glanced at a man with blood dripping from his nose. He was trying to take a sip of tea; it wasn’t going well. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, do you have anything for me?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’

‘Sharon,’ she said, hissing my name like a snake being trodden on. ‘Don’t play dumb with me. Do you have any information yet, anything at all on who might be messing around with the benzos?’

‘No.’

‘Well, while you’re flirting with senior house officers who are completely out of your league, you would do well to remember that Personnel won’t wait forever, and when they get twitchy I’ll put your head on the block to save my own. Let them wade through the paperwork your gross misconduct will produce to take the heat off my problem.’

Out of my league – bitch. I clenched my fists and made myself think carefully before I spoke. No point telling her that the flea-ridden rats at the local dump were out of her league. That wouldn’t keep my job safe. I took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry. I’ve had my ear to the ground, really I have. But it’s so busy, there’s no time to pick up any gossip or figure out anything that’s going on. Besides, here they have their own more than adequate stash of temazepam. If it was a member of A&E staff, theirs wouldn’t be tallying.’

She frowned. ‘Mmm, well it’s a good job you’re heading up to Bennett Ward then. They’ve had someone go off sick. Bloody Nicola, pregnant again and throwing up all over the place. Why that girl can’t say no to her husband or get herself on the pill is beyond me.’

‘What? You want me to go up there now? With all this going on?’ I gestured to the man with the bloody nose who was now trying to help another patient with a revoltingly swollen right foot and something that looked suspiciously like a dinner fork protruding from his toe.

‘Yes, now. And be sharpish about it. They’re busy too.’

After settling three patients on Bennett Ward, young guys who’d had a particularly rough time, I headed to the nurses’ station. Rachael was still busy with the drug round and the two healthcare assistants were chattering in the office.

I picked up the desk phone and dialled Carl’s pager number. It only took a couple of minutes for him to call back.

‘You paged Doctor Rogers,’ he said, bewilderment in his voice that Orthopaedics was contacting him at midnight.

‘Carl, it’s me.’

‘Sharon?’

‘Yes.’

‘You OK?’ He stifled a yawn.

‘Did I wake you?’

‘Fat chance, I’m just out of surgery. Some nutter shoved a light bulb up his arse. Took me and Javier forever to fish it out.’

‘Did you?’

‘Yes, I managed to get hold of the slippery sucker just when Javier was losing patience and said we’d have to open him and perform a colostomy. I had one last go, didn’t dare squeeze too tight with the forceps, but at the same time it was so bloody high up his rectum and it just seemed to be wriggling deeper. I had no choice but to get a decent grip and hope for the best.’

‘And you got it?’

‘Yes.’

‘Great.’ I thought of Tristan and hoped he’d buy himself a proper butt plug and make a phone call to the marriage guidance office in town.

‘So why did you call?’ Carl asked.

‘I need to speak to you, about tomorrow night.’