Confessions of a Slightly Neurotic Hitwoman (23 page)

“Oh that’s wonderful, Templeton.” Aunt Loretta rewarded him for his find with a hug. “It’s Katie’s favorite. I’m sure that when she wakes up she’ll be thrilled it’s here.”

“I wonder how it got out there,” Aunt Leslie mused, voicing my own thought.

“Strange things happen in hospitals,” Templeton said. “Why I once heard of a patient who just up and disappeared out of a hospital once. Paraplegic, poor fellow. One minute he was in his bed, the next he was gone. Some people said it was aliens who took him for experimentation.”

I walked out of the room as he spun his story.

I wasn’t buying his bullshit.

Not any of it.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

“I
T’S JUST A
little too convenient that he’s the one who found it,” I complained to God as I got dressed for my date with Paul.

The lizard was barely listening to me. Most of his attention was focused on whatever idiotic true-crime show he was watching on television. He was convinced that he would find the solution to the Gary the Gun problem in an episode.

“I mean Templeton walks in with the “found” toy, and all of a sudden he’s the great rescuer or something? What’s that about? Manipulative, that’s what it is, if you ask me.”

“No one’s asked you,” God drawled. “No one cares.”

Just for that I turned off the TV.

“Hey, I was watching that.”

“No one cares.”

“I can’t believe you’re going on this date.”

“Patrick says I should maintain as normal a schedule as possible.”

“Normally you live like the proverbial old woman with too many cats,” the lizard reminded me. “Theresa was always worried you were going to end up alone, a bitter, old spinster.”

“Don’t tempt me with the cat idea,” I warned. “I bet you’d make a nice snack for one.”

“You wouldn’t dare.”

Flopping on the bed, I looked him in the eye. “We have to talk.”

“I thought we were already doing that.”

“It’s about your future.”

“A cat-free future I hope.”

“I’m going to take you to the hospital tomorrow.”

I’ll be damned if the lizard didn’t jump up in the air and clap his hands.

Regaining his composure, he said haughtily, “Finally. I’ve been waiting forever to see Katie.”

“And as I told you, about a hundred times, they don’t allow pets there.”

“And as I told
you
, you could always just tell them I’m a service animal.”

“Dogs are service animals. Monkeys are service animals. Lizards are not service animals!”

“Have you ever tried talking to a dog?” God asked. “Their grammar is atrocious.”

Determined to get through this conversation without losing my cool, I told him calmly, “I’m going to leave you in Katie’s room.”

“Does she have a TV?”

“She’s in a coma! Why the hell would she need a TV?” Despite my best intentions I found myself shouting at the reptile. I took a breath and counted to ten.

“Have you ever considered anger-management classes?”

“Have you ever considered dropping dead?” Flinging myself off the bed, I stalked into the kitchen. I glared at the stinking lilies propped in my pitcher and considered sticking them in God’s enclosure since he hated the smell as much as me.

A cell phone rang, disrupting my evil plan. It was one of the throwaways Patrick had given me.

“Please tell me you have a plan,” I said as way of greeting.

“You really need to work on your phone skills, Mags,” he teased. “One usually says something like,
hello
. Followed by
what’s new?
or how are you?
You should give it a try sometime.”

“Hello,” I said grudgingly.

“Hi, Mags. How are you?”

“Not good. Not good at all. Gary was at the hospital again.”

On the other end of the line, Patrick crunched on his Lifesaver. “What did he say?”

“He was making sure I was keeping to my schedule. It freaked me out that he knew I even had a schedule. Please tell me that you’ve come up with a plan.”

“I have.”

Silence.

“And . . . ?” I coaxed.

“I’m working out the details. I’ll tell you about it tonight.”

“I’ve got a date tonight.”

Again with the silence.

“You’re the one who told me to act as normal as possible. Wouldn’t it look suspicious if I turned down a date with a cop?”

“So this is with Kowalski?”

“Uh huh.” I got the distinct impression he didn’t approve. I wonder what it meant that my aunts thought my going out with an officer of the law was the best thing ever, while Patrick and God seemed to think it was a terrible idea.

Not that Patrick said that. He didn’t say anything.

“You still there?” I knew he was since it sounded as though he was chomping on an entire roll of mints.

“I’m here.”

“So about the plan?”

“It’s gotta be tonight.”

“Okay, I’ll cancel my date.”

“Don’t do that!” His tone was uncharacteristically sharp.

“I thought you didn’t want me to go.”

“I don’t want you to cancel even more.”

“So what the hell am I supposed to do?”

“Go on your date, go home, and whatever you do, don’t let Kowalski inside.”

“Why not? He’s already been here.”

“More information than I needed,” Patrick muttered. “You can’t let him in, because I’m going to be there. Waiting for you.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t sure how I felt about this relative stranger being alone in my home. After all, I’d just been preaching about the value of privacy a little while earlier.

As though he could read my thoughts, Patrick said softly, “I promise not to snoop . . . except maybe in your fridge if I get hungry.”

“Fair enough. Don’t eat the leftover Chinese food, I’m pretty sure it’s covered in fungus.”

“Good to know. Bye, Mags.” He disconnected the call.

As he’d instructed, I opened the phone, pulled out the SIM card, and cut it into tiny pieces which I then flushed down the toilet.

“The redhead thinks this date is a bad idea too, doesn’t he?” God called from the bedroom.

I’d forgotten that the little guy would have eavesdropped on my entire conversation. I don’t know why I was worried about Patrick invading my privacy; the lizard had already obliterated it.

Ignoring the Paul question I strolled back into the bedroom. “He’s come up with a plan to get rid of Gary the Gun. He’ll be over later to tell me about it.”

“Good, good. Now tell me again why you’re taking me to Katie tomorrow.”

I’d really been hoping he wouldn’t ask that question. This was one discussion I didn’t want to have, but he deserved the truth. “I’m worried about what could happen to you if . . . if I don’t survive the hit on Gary. If I end up dead. . . .”

“You’re not going to end up dead,” God said dismissively, as though he thought that the possibility was itself an impossibility.

“Armani had another premonition. She said Doomsday is coming.”

“Yeah? So what? Do you have any idea how many people predict that every single day? Haven’t you ever seen them on the news carrying their signs?”

“He’s a highly trained, highly motivated killer. I could die. And if I do, I want to make sure that you’re not forgotten here. I need to make provisions for you to be cared for.”

The lizard pressed up against the glass, as though to get a better look at me. “You’re kidding me, right?” he sounded incredulous.

That stung. “I thought we’d become . . . friends.” I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Is it really so hard to believe that I’d care what happens to you?”

“Don’t be an idiot.”

“Fine! Stay here. Rot here for all I care. They’ll probably forget all about you, and you’ll starve!” I stormed out.

“Come back here, you moron!” He shouted. There was a slight pause, in a tone that sounded pretty close to groveling he added, “Please.”

I came back inside, switched on the TV for him, and walked out again.

“I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Please come back and talk to me, Maggie.” His reasonable tone had some sort of hypnotic effect. I did what he said. I turned the TV off again.

“Sit,” he requested.

I did on the edge of the bed.

“You misunderstood me.”

“You called me an idiot and a moron. You think there are other ways of interpreting those words?”

“I meant them as terms of endearment.”

“Yeah, right.”

“You can’t leave me when you go to kill Gary.”

“I told you, I’m going to make sure you’re cared for. That’s why I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“No, you nincompoop. What I mean is, you have to take me with you when you go after Gary.”

“Why?” I refrained from pointing out he’d done a half-assed job as a lookout when we went hunting Alfonso Cifelli, considering he’d missed Gary the Gun’s presence

“Because friends don’t let friends kill alone.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve said to me.”

“Yeah, well don’t get used to it. Now turn on the tube for me.”

I switched on the television. “If I live through tomorrow, I’m going to get you some more crickets.”

“Live crickets.”

“Yes, live crickets.”

A sudden banging on my front door startled us both. A glance at the bedside clock told me that either Paul was half an hour early for our date, or I had an unexpected visitor.

Would Gary the Gun knock? He did seem to enjoy scaring people, and, if he’d been following me, he would know where I lived. He hadn’t hesitated to threaten me in the hospital. There was no reason to think he wouldn’t hurt me here.

“Arm yourself!” God cried nervously.

Trembling like a dog during a thunderstorm, I picked up a hairbrush.

“That’ll scare them for sure,” he said.

I threw the brush back down. “Maybe I’ll just throw your cage at him.”

“At who?”

“Gary.”

“How do you know it’s Gary?”

I stared at him. “Who else would it be?”

“Why don’t you ask?”

I hate when he makes perfect sense. “Who is it?” I yelled with false bravado.

“It’s Lamont. I’m sorry to bother you like this, Maggie, but I need your help.”

Sighing my relief, I ran to my front door to let Alice’s baby-daddy in. “Hey, Lamont.”

“I need your help.”

“Come in, come in.” I waved the big guy inside and pointed to my couch.

“Who’s this one?” God called from the bedroom.

I ignored him. “You didn’t eat the love muffins, did you?”

He shook his head.

“Good, because short of recommending a trip to the emergency room, there’s not much I could do for you if that was your problem. So what can I do for you?”

“Forgive me for being rude but . . .” He trailed off as though unsure of how to continue.

“My aunts are driving you crazy?”

He shook his head.

That surprised me. I thought my aunts drove everyone crazy.

Then he nodded.

Which just served to confuse me. “Where’s Alice?”

Lamont had the good grace to look uncomfortable. “Visiting your dad.”

I rolled my eyes. Alice had always had a soft spot for my father.

“She told me what he did for her.” Lamont cracked his knuckles. “It was a good thing he did.”

I really didn’t give a shit what the big guy thought of Archie Lee, but I was interested in something else he’d said. “She told you?”

He nodded.

I considered that for a long moment. I didn’t think she’d ever told anyone that before. Hell, she didn’t even talk about it with me. The only conclusion I could draw was that Lamont was special, really special.

The special man wrinkled his nose. “Forgive me, but what is that smell?”

I ignored God’s chortling from the bedroom. “Lilies. My . . .” Oh crap, what the hell was Paul to me? “They were a gift from my date.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

I cut him off with a raised hand. “I know. I know. It smells like something died in here.”

Relieved, he nodded.

“But I’m guessing that you didn’t come here to tell me that my home stinks.”

“I want to ask Alice to marry me,” he blurted out.

“Oh.” I’d been so sure he’d been here about the witches. Now he was telling me he wanted to become a permanent fixture in my best friend’s life. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that. While I wanted Alice to be happy, I really wasn’t thrilled with the prospect of having to share the most stable person in my life with someone else. Not right now when I was struggling to figure out which way was up.

“You think it’s a bad idea?” The big man took my long silence to mean I didn’t approve. He looked like he was about to crumple.

I shook my head, thinking fast. “No, of course not. It’s just that . . . well geez, up until a week ago I didn’t even know you existed, and now you’re telling me you want to become part of the family. It’s a lot to absorb.”

“I understand.”

“You really love her that much?”