Confessions of an Ugly Girl (15 page)

“I love your parents,” I said to Sam, as we unpacked. “No wonder you’re so normal.”

“They’re weird in their own unique ways,” he assured me.

“Not like my mother though.”

Sam couldn’t say much to that. I never confessed what my mother said to me while he was waiting in the car, but obviously he guessed she didn’t approve.

I was amazed by Sam’s room. It was his old room from when he was in high school and college, and it was really well preserved. It felt scandalous being in here, as if we were two teenagers sneaking around. I walked over to one of the bookcases and fingered some trophies that were perched on top.

“Oh God, please don’t look at those,” Sam said. “I don’t want you to know how big a geek I was in high school.”

“Hey, you’re the one who has them on display!”

“Do you see how high up they are?” Sam said. “You think I put them there? No, my mother did.”

I looked at the first one. “Math team, high scorer. Wow, nice job.”

“Jesus.”

“Chess team, first place. Oh wow, impressive.”

Sam’s ears were bright red. It was adorable. “So what do you think? Are you too cool to hang out with me now?”

“Oh, I was just as bad.”

“I don’t know if it gets any worse than chess team, first place.”

I looked at the next trophy. “Basketball. Hey, I didn’t know you played basketball.”

“Not anymore, just in high school. I don’t play chess anymore, either.”

I tried to imagine 16-year-old Sam dribbling a basketball down the court. It was hard. “You know, there’s wheelchair basketball...”

Sam crossed his arms. “Really? Wheelchair basketball, huh? Tell me more, Millie. Also, can you tell me more about this thing called the Internet that all the kids have been talking about?”

“You’re making fun of me.”

“You deserve it. I’ve been in a wheelchair for 17 years. I know about wheelchair basketball.”

“So how come you don’t play?”

Sam gave me an exasperated look. “My God, woman. Can’t you just let me get fat and out of shape in peace?”

I laughed and kissed him. I don’t know why I started nagging him about the basketball thing. I just hated the thought of him giving something up because of his disability, but then again, it wasn’t like I was any kind of athlete myself.

We were exhausted from the redeye so we napped together, before waking up to a full house. Sam’s younger brother Brad was there with his wife Nina and their older brother Eric brought his wife Alicia and their two kids. If I ever had doubts about Sam being a good dad, they were totally gone after I saw him with his nephews. Those kids adored Sam, and he obviously spoiled them. I could see Alicia clucking her tongue as Sam whipped out some pre-Christmas presents (toy cars) he’d brought for them.

I always feel a little awkward around kids. Sure, I want to have children of my own, but I feel awkward around other people’s kids. Sam introduced me to the boys as his girlfriend, which was sort of embarrassing. To make matters worse, the older one (I swear I knew his name at the time) said, “Where’s Holly?”

“Holly and I aren’t together anymore,” Sam explained.

“I liked Holly,” the younger one said, right to my face. “She was pretty.”

(You can’t make this stuff up.)

“Well, you’ll like Millie too,” Sam told his nephew. I’m glad he didn’t tell them I was pretty too, because I had a bad feeling they might have openly disagreed with him.

Jean was making a turkey and the entire house smelled amazing. I sat on the couch in the living room, just smiling politely and waiting for dinner to start. Eric and Alicia seemed to be getting along okay and I wondered if the sex drought was over. I also wondered if Eric remembered that night when he got piss drunk right in front of me.

Alicia intimidated me. She was tall and slender with white-blond hair piled up on her head. She was actually very beautiful in a severe kind of way. She looked like she could eat me up. Sam warned me that she was very blunt. “If you gained ten pounds, Alicia would tell you the second you walked in the door,” Sam said. That didn’t sound appealing to me. I have a lot of flaws and I wasn’t excited about having them pointed out.

The kids were making a lot of noise and the stress of everything was giving me a headache. Sam suggested I go sit on the porch, so I grabbed my jacket. I almost made an about-face when I saw Nina and Alicia smoking cigarettes out on the porch. I don’t smoke and I really didn’t want to hang out with the two of them. But since I had my jacket on, my intentions were obvious.

“It’s okay,” Alicia said. “We don’t bite.”

I laughed nervously. Alicia and Nina made me nervous, especially Alicia. Unlike me, the two of them were both very attractive, which I guess is a tribute to how attractive the Webber men were. Even Sam’s mother was pretty in a matronly sort of way, like Martha Stewart. I couldn’t help but feel like Holly would have fit in here better than I did. I wondered if the two women were thinking the same thing.

Nina held out her pack of cigarettes. “Want one?”

I shook my head. “I don’t smoke.”

Alicia laughed. “Of course she doesn’t smoke. Millie is a good girl.”

I decided to withhold the statistic that one in every five people dies from a disease related to smoking.

“I don’t smoke either,” said Alicia, taking a drag. “I gave it up when I got pregnant for the first time, but I always need a smoke when I’m here for the holidays. Jean stresses me out.”

Nina laughed. I didn’t feel like I knew any of them well enough to partake in this little joke.

“So you and Sam, huh?” Alicia said. “Eric says Sam is
crazy
about you. With a capital C.”

“Um.” I blushed, remembering what Sam had said about Alicia’s bluntness.

“I hope you know Sam’s going to ask you to marry him soon,” Alicia said. “Be warned. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s already got the ring.”

“I... uh, I don’t know.”

“Right. Well, I’m telling you.” Alicia blew a ring of smoke. I’d never actually seen anyone do that in real life before. “What do you do again?”

“I’m an actuary,” I said, grateful for a question I could answer.

“Whatever that is,” Alicia said with a smile. “At least you’re not a waitress. I swear to god, Sam and his waitresses...”

Nina laughed. “I know. What’s up with that?”

“They were all so....” Alicia shook her head. “Some of them were okay. But others... yeesh. Like that last one, Holly.”

Holly. How many times did I have to hear about Holly during this trip?

“I didn’t like her,” Nina said, crinkling her pert little nose.

“She was here last year, you know,” Alicia said. “Now
she
was a smoker. She came out here on the porch and chain-smoked an entire pack.” She snickered. “I think Sam had been trying to get her to quit and it wasn’t going well. I’m sympathetic because Eric tried to get me to quit for years and it made me want to wring his neck.”

“Brad is on my case too,” Nina sighed.

“The fact that she came out here to sneak a smoke was probably the
only
thing I liked about her,” Alicia said. “She was just toxic, and everyone knew it but Sam. I knew he was going to ask her to marry him and I
told
him not to do it. I’ve known Sam since he was, like, 20, and I knew that was a big mistake. I also knew she was cheating on him. Didn’t I tell you, Nina?”

Nina nodded.

Alicia shrugged. “He didn’t listen. He wanted so bad to make that relationship work.”

“He... he did?” I stammered.

“Well, she was really pretty,” Alicia said. “He was completely infatuated. And it got to the point where she was so dependent on him for everything. He was pretty much bankrolling her. Like, he was even paying her rent at one point. God, I still get angry thinking about it. That bitch.”

Nina nodded in agreement. So far, I don’t think I’ve met one person who liked Holly. Except Sam, of course.

“I thought she was going to say yes,” Nina said.

“It was pretty obvious she wasn’t,” retorted Alicia.

“Why did she say no?” I asked, feeling nosy.

(Yes, I’m obsessed with Holly. I can’t help myself.)

“Hmm, let’s think,” Alicia said, rolling her eyes. “Holly’s in her early thirties, unemployed, and has no prospects. A nice, good-looking guy with a good job who treats her like gold asks her to marry him. Why oh why might she say no?” I looked at her blankly. “Could it be because he’s
disabled
? Because she didn’t want to spend her life with a guy in a wheelchair?”

“Oh,” I mumbled.

Alicia shook her head angrily. “He was good enough for her to date and good enough for her to take his money, but not good enough to marry.”

At that moment, I really hated Holly too.

Alicia blew out smoke, half of which went right in my face. “Then, of course, she realized she made a huge mistake and wanted him back. I predicted that too, didn’t I?”

Nina nodded.

Alicia smiled. “Don’t look so worried, Millie. Sam was at our house for a few days after she dumped him. Believe me, he wouldn’t take her back so fast. She
wrecked
him. I’ve known Sam forever and he holds a hell of a grudge. He would never take her back, unless... oh my God, what is going
on
over there?”

I followed Alicia’s gaze towards her youngest kid, who was precariously balanced on a stool. “Eric!” she hollered. “Could you
please
watch our son?”

I really wanted Alicia to finish that sentence. “He would never take her back, unless...” Unless what? How could she leave me hanging like that?

Unfortunately, Alicia’s yelling called attention to our gossip session and Sam wheeled himself to the porch door, looking worried. “Alicia, what are you telling Millie?”

“Nothing but the truth, Your Honor.” Alicia stubbed out her cigarette.

Sam shook his head. “The truth? Yikes, please stop it.”

Sam dragged me back into the house. To my dismay, I never got to hear the “unless.” It drove me completely crazy. Unless what? Sam wouldn’t get back together with Holly, unless... she showed up at his door completely naked? Unless she batted her eyes and said “pretty please”? Unless
what
?

I was distracted about it all through dinner, which was fantastic, by the way. Jean made an amazing turkey. I am shocked all the Webber men are so thin and don’t weight 300 pounds a piece. There was also stuffing, mashed potatoes, like three casseroles. It was crazy. I had one glass of wine and I thought I was going to pass out before I got up from the table. Even my plus-size pants were starting to feel tight.

After dinner was over, I set out trying to get Alicia alone, to figure out the end of that sentence. Unless
what
, Goddamnit? I couldn’t bear knowing that Alicia (who was apparently always right) thought there was a way that Holly could get Sam back.

Finally, I found Alicia in the guest bedroom, reading a book. She seemed glad her in-laws could keep an eye on the kids for a change. I knocked on her door, even though it was open. She gave me a funny look. “Hi, Millie,” she said. “What’s up? Did the little monsters break something?”

“No,” I said. I came into the room and shut the door behind me. Now Alicia was looking at me really weirdly. I knew I was being insane, but I couldn’t help myself. I was going out of my mind obsessing over this. “I just wanted to ask you something...”

“Okay.”

I coughed. “Well, you said that Sam wouldn’t take Holly back, unless... and then you didn’t say unless what. So I was just wondering what you thought Holly was going to do to try to get him back.”

Alicia just stared at me for a minute, looking confused. Then she started laughing uncontrollably. “Oh my God, Millie,” she gasped. She wiped a tear from her eye. I didn’t think it was
that
funny. “Wow. You really like him, huh?”

I nodded.

“Don’t worry,” she said. “He’s not going back to Holly, believe me.”

“But you said...”

She shook her head. “You know, Sam was in here half an hour ago, grilling me on what I might have told you. He thought he had to do damage control. Seriously, you two are disgustingly in love with each other. Go get married and make my boys some cousins.”

I smiled despite myself. I was glad that Alicia thought we were destined for one another. But even though I really wanted to be satisfied with Alicia’s comment, I couldn’t. I still had to know.

“What were you going to say though?” I pressed her. “When you said he wouldn’t get back together with Holly unless…”

Alicia narrowed her eyes at me. “Millie...”

“Just tell me,” I said. I added, “Please.”

After an endless pause, Alicia said, “Unless he didn’t have you.”

Something about her words made me uneasy. Because it made me feel like the only thing keeping Sam and The Beautiful Holly from finding true love was an ugly girl being in the way.