Conflicted (12 page)

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

It was strange sitting next to Cole on the flight home. So much had changed between us in just a few short days. I’d gone from thinking he was an asshole whose face I accidentally pictured while I fingered myself to developing real feelings for him.

I told him he didn’t need to come with me and that I’d be fine, but he insisted. It shocked me to see this new side of him. Even in the few instances he’d shown me his nice side, he’d never been so tender and caring.

And it just made it all that much more difficult to consider the road ahead of me.

Kaylee and Kevin had sat John and me down just after we’d gotten engaged. They’d told us they wanted us to raise Madi in the event that something happened to the two of them. It was one of those morbid conversations that parents have to consider, but all four of us naively believed we’d never really have to do what they were asking us.

But here we were. I had no idea what condition my sister was in apart from
critical
. That could mean any number of things, and I wished I’d been coherent enough to ask John that when we’d spoken. I hadn’t had time to call him back or even text him between packing, getting to the airport, and boarding the plane. It was all a blur, but at least each task had forced me to do something other than worry.

Cole had been by my side every step of the way. He hadn’t lied earlier when he’d told me he wasn’t going to leave me.

But now I had more than five hours of sitting on a plane with little else to do besides worry. I texted John before the flight attendants asked us to switch our devices to airplane mode, and I’d asked if he had any more details. I didn’t hear back from him in time.

“I’m paying for the wifi if you need to use it for anything,” Cole said, his voice breaking into my thoughts. He reached over and took my hand in his. “And if there’s anything else I can do, please just ask.” His dark eyes were a warm, milk chocolate. Sincere and genuine and concerned. He squeezed my hand and neither of us let go.

It may have been because he was offering me the comfort I hadn’t gotten from my husband during our short conversation, but I didn’t want to let go of Cole’s hand.

I shifted in my seat. I crossed my leg, and then I uncrossed it. I tapped my nails on the armrest. I lowered the shade and then lifted it. I shifted again.

We’d only been in the air for three minutes and I was already restless, but Cole’s hand firmly clutched mine.

“Does he have an iPhone?” Cole asked.

My head whipped over in his direction. “Who?”

“Your husband.” His voice was quiet as he averted his eyes.

I shook my head. “Android.”

Cole rolled his eyes.

“Why?”

“If he had an iPhone, you could still message him from your phone even in airplane mode.”

“My mom has one.”

“Why don’t you try her? Maybe she can give you an update.”

“Good idea,” I said. I had to let go of his hand to use my phone, and his hand shifted down to my thigh.

He kept touching me, letting me know he was right there. And it was a bigger comfort than I could put into words. I hadn’t realized how much I needed to feel loved until I felt it again.

I connected to the wifi and texted my mom.
In the air. Flight is 5 and 1/2 hours. Any news?

I watched as my phone delivered the message, and I felt a bit of relief as the three little bubbles appeared to indicate she was typing a response. Soon I would know more.

Cole moved his hand from my leg to pull out his laptop from under the seat in front of him.

My mom’s message came through.
Kaylee is out of surgery and upgraded to stable. Kevin is still in surgery for brain swelling.

I breathed a quick sigh of relief that Kaylee was stable at least. But that still didn’t tell me much.
Is she going to be okay? Is he?

I waited with impatience for the reply as I watched Cole log onto his computer.

She’ll be okay. Still out from the anesthesia. Broken ribs & arm plus concussion & whiplash. We won’t know more about Kevin until he’s out of surgery.

I felt a mix of emotions—relief that my sister was going to be okay but fear for her husband. Fear for what her life would be like without Kevin and what Madi’s life would be like without her dad. Fear for the future of my family without Kevin. He was as much a part of our family as I was.

I shook my head, clearing out the negative thoughts. He needed every positive thought I could possibly muster while he was in surgery.

I texted my mom back.
Thanks for the update. Let me know if anything changes. I’ll be praying.

Fly safely. See you soon. Love you.

“Any updates?” Cole asked.

I showed him my mom’s messages, not trusting myself to speak.

“Your sister is going to be fine,” he said, a ghost of a smile forming on his lips.

“But Kevin…”

“He’s going to be fine, too.”

I nodded, hoping with all my might he was right.

The flight felt like the longest five and a half hours of my life. I watched as Cole emailed some people to let them know that he had to leave the conference early due to an emergency. I couldn’t concentrate on anything long enough to take my mind off of the tragedy awaiting me back home, so I sat and stared at the clock on my phone, willing time to speed up to get me home faster.

When the landing gear finally touched down, I felt a wave of relief. Soon I’d be where I needed to be.

Cole threw his arm around my shoulder as we waited for my bag at the baggage claim, and I couldn’t help but think of what almost happened between us. So much heavy shit had gone down in the past seven hours that I was having a hard time processing everything.

Maybe I didn’t need to process anything. Maybe I just needed to feel what I felt and live in the moment.

Everything happens for a reason, and maybe this accident had to happen to remind me that we’re only given one life. It was selfish to make this about me, but I had to take what little positive light I could find.

And the light in that moment was the learning experience. It was the fact that I was trapped in an unhappy marriage. It was the fact that the man whose arm was around me was the man I wanted to be with.

I couldn’t waste any more time. I needed to act. I wasn’t guaranteed anything in this life—least of all time.

I turned in toward Cole, and he wrapped his other arm around me. I breathed him in, feeling comfort in his unexpected tenderness and that fresh, clean scent of the shower gel I’d taken the time to memorize our first morning in the hotel together.

His lips pressed against my temple, and that little motion made me feel about a million times better. Just knowing I had someone who cared about me helped me feel like I was going to get through this without being a total mess.

His arms tightened around me, and his lips moved close to my ear. “Lucy,” he whispered, his breath tickling my ear, “I know we need to figure things out, but let’s put that on hold. You take what you need right now. I’ll still be here when you’re ready.”

I wanted to cry for ten different reasons, but mostly because I didn’t want to put this on hold. We didn’t have time to put it on hold. I wanted to figure it out now because I didn’t know if I’d have tomorrow. If I stopped right now to look back at my life, could I say I was happy with the way it turned out?

My suitcase came by on the belt, and Cole grabbed it for me. We made our way outside to the warm California air, and Cole ushered me to a car that was waiting for us with a sign labeled “Benson.”

I texted my mom to let her know we were on our way. John had replied to my earlier text.
Your mom has more details. Kaylee is stable and Kevin is in surgery.

Between the fear of heading to the hospital and the confusion in my heart concerning Cole, I felt a sense of doom in the pit of my stomach.

Cole’s hand tightened in mine as we pulled onto the street of the hospital. We were getting close, and that meant our time together was coming to an end.

For now.

“I can’t hold you the way I want to,” he said, leaning in and pressing a gentle kiss to my lips, “but I’ll be here however you need me to be. I’ll sit back and let your husband comfort you. I’ll let you be with your family. I’ll drop you off and go home, or I’ll go in with you and stay by your side. I care about you, and I’ve been fighting how I feel because you’re married and you’re my employee. But I’m done fighting it.”

I allowed his words to embed into my mind and warm me.

We pulled up to the hospital’s entrance. “As soon as your sister and your brother-in-law are well again, your husband is going to have the fight of his life on his hands.”

I bit my lip to try to keep the heat behind my eyes from forming tears. Somehow he’d said everything I’d needed to hear.

“Do you want me to leave or come with you?”

“Come,” I whispered.

He nodded. He opened the door and helped me out, said something to the driver, and we walked into the hospital together. 

We stood close to one another, but he didn’t hold my hand. We checked in at the front desk and headed up to the floor my mom had sent me over text message.

My mom and dad were in the waiting room with Madi. There was no sign of my husband.

As soon as I walked off of the elevator, Madi ran toward me and wrapped her little arms around my legs. “Auntie Lucy!” she squealed, and I picked her up and swung her around the way I always did when I saw her.

“Hi baby,” I said.

“I’m not a baby!” she said, shooting me her sassiest look.

Her energy made it clear that she had no idea what was going on, and her innocence was refreshing.

“How are things going?” I asked my mom. Her eyes edged toward Cole.

“This is my boss,” I said, nodding toward Cole. “Cole, this is my mom, Barb, and my dad, Bill.”

“Nice to meet you,” Cole said, nodding at both of them. “And who is this?” he asked, smiling at Madi.

She nuzzled shyly into my neck. “This is Madison, my niece.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Madison,” he said, grinning at her.

“You too, Mr. Cole.”

He chuckled. “Have you ever seen the movie
Frozen
?” he asked.

I looked at him incredulously, and he winked at me.

“That’s my favorite!” Madi exclaimed.

“Do you like Elsa or Anna better?”

“Elsa! Elsa! Elsa! I love her hair!”

“So do I. But Anna has all that pretty red hair,” he said, and Madi started pushing against me to set her down. She took Cole’s hand and led him over to some empty chairs, pulling out a
Frozen
book and handing it to him. “Read,” she demanded.

I giggled as I watched Cole start reading the book to my niece. She recited the words along with him, not because she knew how to read it, but because she’d heard the book a hundred different times and had memorized the words. Cole acted impressed.

Watching Cole with my niece made me fall even more for him. He was sexy, smart, a great kisser,
and
good with kids?

My heart was a melty puddle of goo.

My mom pulled me out of earshot of my niece and raised an eyebrow at me.

The infamous eyebrow. A single eyebrow took both my sister and me to our knees when we were younger. It meant we were in a whole lot of trouble.

I didn’t need my mom’s eyebrow to tell me that I was in serious trouble.

“Is this a bad time to mention your husband?” she asked, her voice soft.

I pressed my lips together before replying. “And where the hell is he?”

“He managed to get you here, didn’t he?”

“Can we save this conversation for later? How are Kaylee and Kevin doing?”

She glanced at Madi before replying. “We’re waiting for them to move Kaylee to a room. Kevin is out of surgery but not out of the woods yet. We need to wait for the swelling by his brain to go down before we’ll know more. His parents are driving from Colorado now.”

“Is Kay awake?”

She nodded. “They won’t let us back in post-op, but as soon as she gets a room, we can go see her. I’d like to keep Madi away from this as much as possible. Would you be able to take her home with you for a few days?”

“Of course. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

“Thank you. What’s going on with you and your boss?”

“What do you mean?”

She glanced over toward Madi again, but I knew she was looking at Cole. “The way you look at him.”

“Mom…” I sighed, giving her the warning to stop the conversation by my tone.

“He’s handsome.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.” I picked absently at my nails.

“Be careful, Lucy.”

I gave her my best offended look and headed over to play with Cole and Madi.

A nurse came out to speak to my mom and dad, and then my mom let me know they were going in to see Kaylee. I couldn’t help but wonder where the hell John was and why the hell he wasn’t here where he should have been.