Conflicted (15 page)

“I’m the first to admit that, the first night we got here, I should have called you and not Joss. I regret it. I regret a lot of things, but if you walk out right now, I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting not seeing what might have been.” That familiar lump started forming in my throat again and I tried my best to suppress it.

“I think your problem is that you don’t think you deserve to be happy. Joss agrees with me, so don’t even try and deny it. You have to stop letting your past define your future. It’s just going to turn you bitter in the end.” Maybe she had a point. Okay, she
definitely
had a point. “You’re going to make the same mistakes that put your mom in her grave. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m done tippy toeing around shit with you. My life hasn’t been much easier than yours. I’ve had to figure out just about everything on my own, until you came along and showed me that it was okay to accept help. I’m willing to start over again, only if you agree that this self-pity shit ends here and now.”

“I’ll try
anything,” I replied without hesitation.

“Fine, we’ll talk
more later. You have a show to play and I’m expecting the performance of a lifetime.” She kissed my lips softly and left me standing there alone.

For the first time in a long time, I felt hope. 

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

THE SINS I CARRY

BRITTANY

Leaving Derek standing there had to be one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but it was necessary. I’d had my time away from him. He needed to realize exactly what he wanted and, if I fell into that category, then he needed to miss me for just a little longer. I knew I was getting some serious baggage with him; how much I wasn’t quite sure yet…

I just had to hope that if we stuck it out, it would be worth it in the end.

At first, when everything happened, I just wanted to go back to Smithville, pack my shit, and get as far away from him as possible. Jake convinced me to stay, and then Joss managed to sneak her way into the hotel. She stood outside my door for almost an hour talking, or more like begging me to let her in so she could explain better. After I couldn’t take anymore, I finally unlocked the door and we ended up spending most of the night talking.

That’s also when I saw how deeply rooted their connection actually was.
The way she spoke about him was with love and respect. She told me about Derek when he was younger, how the band started, and funny stories from over the years. It gave me a glimpse of him that I hadn’t had the opportunity to see yet, but made me realize that I wanted to. I
really
wanted to. She explained that they hadn’t seen each other in a couple years, but managed to pick up exactly where they left off, as if no time had passed at all, which in turn meant sleeping together. 

As much as I wanted to hate Joss, I couldn’t. She was genuine. What you saw was what you got.
She didn’t put on false pretenses to get someone to like her and I could respect that. I wish I had an iota of her self-esteem. The way she carried herself made people gravitate toward her, like a magnet. Derek was similar to her with his personality. People just liked him. He didn’t have to say or do anything; they just wanted to be around him.

Derek was a
good guy; he just didn’t see it. He took me in with no questions asked when he saw what my situation was. Unfortunately, Derek’s the one who thought that he was damaged goods. His self-doubt and low self-worth were his own worst enemies. Most people would think that I was crazy for giving whatever we had going on a second go, but I couldn’t move forward with my own life knowing that I would always wonder what if
.

Jake and Blake made sure that Joss and I had reserved seats in the front row with a security detail on either side of us, ensuring our ultimate safety. After getting comfortable, we watched as Guilty Tendencies took the stage. They had a unique sound and I couldn’t for the life of me understand why they didn’t have a bigger following. I guess it all boils down to luck. Being in the right place at the right time, knowing the right person. In their case, it was Joss.

I could tell that she and Zach had that something special going on. Sure, she was beautiful, but even when she wasn’t in the room, Zach didn’t check out other girls. She was what he wanted and he wouldn’t do anything to fuck that up. Even after knowing what happened the other night, he still wanted her. I could only hope that Derek was going to be that way. I didn’t doubt that he was capable of it, but he had never had to try before.

Zach spent a better part of the show serenading right to Joss, making her beam back at him
doe-eyed. Most of the female audience was probably swooning, wanting to trade places with her. There was no doubt in my mind that the two of them were going to find a room as soon as the show was over and stay there for a
long
time.

As they ended the last song, he didn’t even bother going backstage, hopping right off the stage covered in sweat. He walked over to where we were sitting and lifted Joss up so she could sit on his lap. It was obvious by the crowd’s reaction that Guilty Tendencies were a new fan favorite.

After a small intermission and a brief conversation with Joss and Zach, Battlescars took the stage. The noise level was out of control as Jake stepped front and center, picking up the mic. He looked every single bit the rock god the world portrayed him as; they all did. Derek looked right at me and gave a small grin and he went to take a seat at his drum kit. My heart was racing with excitement to get to see them in action finally. Sure, I’d been going to band practice for a couple weeks now, but this was different.

“Phoenix! How are we
fuckin’ doing tonight? Are we ready to make some eardrums bleed or what?” The crowd erupted in applause and screaming. “We’re going to start out the night with a new song called ‘Second Chances’ written by our drummer, Derek. It’s going out to a very special girl. You know who you are…”

“Let’s let loose,

I don’t have time to go round and round,

There’s nothing left to figure out,

I know you still have your doubts…

You say one chance is all you get,

But who says we can’t have second chances,

Time is running out,

There’s nothing left to figure out,

Who says we can’t have second chances,

I’ve known all along that I’m not going to back down,

It’s hard to see you think it was over before it even began,

Who says we can’t have second chances,

It’s not how I want our story to end,

So let’s begin again,

There’s nothing left to figure out, we all need second chances…”

It wasn’t quite what you would call a love song, but I understood what he was trying to say. It was going to be an uphill battle the whole way, with a lot of tears and yelling in between. Neither of us knew what
this was, but we wanted to find out. With any luck, maybe we’d get to a good place eventually if we stood together.

Although I was excited to see them play a live show, all I
actually wanted to do was go somewhere quiet and talk to Derek. We had a lot of talking to do and things to figure out. Would there be anything he could say that would make me walk away? I didn’t think so, but I couldn’t say for certain. Hell, I didn’t even know if he wanted a real committed relationship right now. I know he wanted a second chance, but at what needed clarifying.

My mind was racing as I watched in awe.
I saw him in his element, doing what he loved. Music. It was clear to anyone in the audience that every single one of them lived and breathed music. Their passion was unmistakable and you could feel it in every note and every word.

As soon as they bid the crowd goodnight
, I was out of my chair and racing my way backstage. My legs wouldn’t take me there as fast as I wanted to go; they felt like lead trying to run through quicksand. I held my pass up to the hulk of a security guard with a shaky hand. Derek was on the other side of the door, already waiting for me. Jake was talking to another huge guy that Joss told me was his personal security guard at venues. I couldn’t remember his name. Hell, I could barely remember my own name at this point.

“What do you say we get out of here?” Derek asked, hesitantly. I offered a meek nod. It was the only thing I wanted to do at this point. They all looked at me with encouragement as I waved goodbye.

Putting his large hand on the small of my back, he led me out into the warm night air. There was a blacked out SUV waiting at the curb with a driver standing at the back door. Opening the door, Derek motioned for me to climb in.

“So… what did you think of the show?”
he asked.

Running my hands through my hair, I turned to look at him. “You guys were
incredible. I mean, I already knew that you were, but you were really impressive.”

Picking at an invisible piece of lint on his jeans, he avoided eye contact. “Thanks
. Um, what did you think of the song?”

“I understood what you were trying to say. We’ll talk about everything. Can we go back to my hotel room so we can have privacy? I’d rather not have everyone eavesdropping.” Just the thought made my stomach turn.
If he was going to reject me, I wanted to be able to be alone without any interference.

“As long as you’re comfortable w
ith that, then sure.” He leaned forward to tell the driver which direction to head.

Closing my eyes, I rested my head on the back of the seat and tried to collect my racing thoughts. Everything was jumbled together in one giant cluster
fuck. I was trying to categorize everything so I would know exactly what it was that I wanted to say. I didn’t even know where to begin. I felt his large, calloused hand take mine and rub his thumb over the top of my knuckles. It immediately calmed me. Letting myself relax, I decided whatever would be, would be.

Twenty minutes later, we stopped in front of the hotel. As soon as the driver opened the door, Derek and I walked hand in hand through the lobby toward the elevator. It felt like an eternity before we hit the sixth floor and walked to the end of the corridor where my suite was.

At first, I’d been extremely apprehensive about staying here, because I knew it had to be expensive, but Jake said he got them to comp the room as a favor in exchange for a couple tickets and a meet and greet with the staff.

Fumbling through my purse, I managed to produce my keycard and get it in the slot without making too much of an ass out of myself. Once the door was open
, there was no telling how this was going to end…

Derek

Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you weren’t sure whether to laugh, cry, or just run away? That’s how I was feeling. The fact that I was even standing in this room was more than I’d hoped for. Knowing that what I was about to tell her was going to screw it all up, and I’d have to walk away, made me want to prolong the inevitable for as long as possible.

She looked adorable in a little black sundress covered in skulls and her black Chuck Taylor’s. I wanted to covet her, not forsake her. Fucking-A. I wanted to go to the bathroom and throw up. My nerves were swallowing me whole
, as I looked at her innocent face while she paced the floor nervously.

Knowing there was no time like the present and
not knowing if I would ever have the opportunity to do it again, I pulled her into my arms and caught her lips by surprise. As her tongue swiped mine, it seared into my soul, but even more than that, it calmed me. Holding the back of her head and lacing my fingers through her silky hair, our tongues continued the slow dance until I had to pull away before doing something incredibly stupid and very Derek.

“Sorry, Britt,
” I apologized, quickly grabbing her hand to keep some form of skin-to-skin contact.

“It’s okay,” she said shyly, but there was pain behind her eyes.
I hated knowing that I was the cause of it.

“Um… I guess I should start
talking so you can toss me out.” I tried to sound playful, but failed miserably.

“I’m not going to toss you out, Derek. Whatever you need to say
, just say it so we can start moving forward again. There’s no sense in looking back. The past is there for a reason and the more you keep looking over your shoulder, the more it’s going to keep following you and weighing you down.” She sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to her with her free hand.

“Well, you already know about the accident and that I lost my mom and my brother. You know my dad is up for parole in a couple days
and I’m trying extremely hard to be okay with it. Really, I am. It’s hard because it won’t bring them back, but I need to learn the act of forgiveness too. Then there’s something else that I need to tell you. Well, two things actually and I’m not sure how you’re going to react. They’re big. Bigger than big…”

“Just spit it out,” s
he said, looking me square in the eye. “Don’t think about it. Say what you have to say and we’ll talk about it when you’re done.”

“The night that Blake and Piper got married in Vegas, something happened. I didn’t know the extent of it until earlier today. I had a threesome with a girl and another guy. I liked it
. A lot. I’m not gay, or even bi. It’s hard to explain… It’s not something I need, though. Fucking-A, this makes no fucking sense!”

I was so uncomfortable explaining this to her. She was sweet and innocent and here I was fucking her head up with more of my tainted past.
She just nodded at me to continue.

“Earlier today
, when we showed up at the venue, I saw Tyler, the guy from that night. Turns out he plays in Guilty Tendencies. We hashed everything out and it’s fine. There’s no bad blood between any of us; it’s in the past where it belongs. But the other thing I have to tell you isn’t and will never be. See, there’s something that not even the guys know yet about me. Actually, Joss is the only person that knows and that’s why I had to leave right after we got here.

‘I’m
married. It was a typical eighteen-year-old not thinking mistake. We were both misfits and I ended up asking her for a divorce not long after. She got mad and took off. She’s been impossible to hunt down for years, but Joss somehow managed to find her. When I showed up, I saw something… she has a son.

‘Britt, h
e’s mine. He fits the age and everything.”