Confrontation (June Hunt Hope for the Heart) (9 page)

#4 The
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• Make a personal plea for your loved one to receive treatment.
  
  • “I plead with you to get the help you need to overcome (
    offensive behavior
    ). If you are willing, you will have my help and deepest respect.”
    

    “The tongue has the power of life and death.”
    (Proverbs 18:21)
    

• Be prepared to implement an immediate plan if treatment is agreed on.
  
  • “Your bags have been packed, and you have been accepted into the treatment program at ____________.”
    

    “Rescue those being led away to death; hold back those staggering toward slaughter. If you say, ‘But we knew nothing about this,’ does not he who weighs the heart perceive it? Does not he who guards your life know it? Will he not repay each person according to what he has done?”
    (Proverbs 24:11–12)
    

• If treatment is refused, detail the repercussions.
  
  • “We cannot allow you to come home or to be with our family until you have been clean and sober for (
    name a specific period of time
    ).”
    

    “Stern discipline awaits him who leaves the path; he who hates correction will die.”
    (Proverbs 15:10)
    

“Whoever heeds correction is honored.” (Proverbs 13:18)

• Make your relationship a priority over your personal rights.
  24
  

  “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already. Why not rather be wronged? Why not rather be cheated?”
  (1 Corinthians 6:7)
  

• Demonstrate a heart willing to understand the other person’s perspective. Be willing to change where necessary and to heal any relational tension.
  

  “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
  (Romans 12:18)
  

• Listen carefully even if you disagree with the other person’s perspective. Give yourself time to consider what the other person says before you respond.
  

  “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”
  (James 1:19)
  

• Respond with humility. Give your reputation to God, and ask Him to help you with your relationships.
  

  “Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.”
  (1 Peter 5:6)
  

• Consider those who confront you as being a gift from God. Flattery builds your pride, but confrontation helps you grow in the Lord.
  

  “He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.”
  (Proverbs 28:23)
  

• Maintain dignity and discernment. Allow God to speak to you through the other person. Your confronter may be someone who can help you get past an obstacle in your life. Even if you do not agree with your confronter, God may still use this opportunity for you to esteem the confronter for the courage displayed in confronting you and for the value placed on your relationship.
  

  “He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.”
  (Proverbs 15:32)
  

• Do not be defensive or reactive, but consider the counsel of your confronter. God may be using that person to help you grow closer to Him. The benefits of confrontation may include coming closer to God, living a more loving lifestyle, and growing more intimate with your confronter.
  

  “A man who remains stiff-necked after many rebukes will suddenly be destroyed—without remedy.”
  (Proverbs 29:1)
  

The four Gospels shine a spotlight on the four different
styles
of confrontation, as seen just prior to the crucifixion of Christ. We can see each style highlighted because of memorable individuals who have shaped the course of human history.

• The Passive Avoider: Pontius Pilate
  

  Pilate was a peace-at-any-price person. This Roman governor was faced with a difficult dilemma: What should he do with Jesus? Condemn Him or free Him? His personal fear of losing his powerful position—if mounting public unrest erupted into violence—was being pitted against the fate of an innocent man. He affirmed Jesus’ innocence, but in the end he was too afraid to free Him from the snares of death. Rather than asserting himself, Pilate tried to quickly end his conflict by passing Jesus off to Herod. When that didn’t work, he handed Jesus over to an angry mob, literally washing his hands of the matter.
  

  “When Pilate saw that he was getting nowhere, but that instead an uproar was starting, he took water and washed his hands in front of the crowd. ‘I am innocent of this man’s blood,’ he said. ‘It is your responsibility!’”
  (Matthew 27:24)
  

• The Aggressive Attackers: The Self-Righteous Pharisees
  

  Envious and exasperated, Israel’s religious leaders incited the crowd into a murderous frenzy. Capitalizing on Pilate’s character flaws, they coerced him into surrendering Jesus for crucifixion. This “brood of vipers” tested, tempted, and taunted Jesus at every turn, attacking him openly. They remained completely unwilling to embrace His teachings or the possibility that His claims might be true. In doing so, they not only missed their Messiah, but used Rome to crucify Him.
  

  “The chief priests and the elders persuaded the crowd to ask for Barabbas and to have Jesus executed. ...‘What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called Christ?’ Pilate asked. They all answered, ‘Crucify him!’ ... Then he released Barabbas to them. But he had Jesus flogged, and handed him over to be crucified.”
  (Matthew 27:20, 22, 26)
  

• The Passive-Aggressive Ambusher: Judas Iscariot
  

  For three years, Judas masqueraded as a devoted disciple ... cloaking dark motives with his privileged position. His protests against Mary’s “wasting” expensive perfume to anoint Jesus’ feet—funds better spent on the poor—were a decoy to disguise his own greed. Deceptive and covert, in a secret meeting with his conspirators, he accepted 30 pieces of silver in exchange for betraying Jesus. Even when it was time to identify Jesus to his enemies, this
  ultimate ambusher
  remained covert—going under the cover of darkness and sealing the Lord’s fate with a kiss.
  

  “The betrayer had arranged a signal with them: ‘The one I kiss is the man; arrest him.’ ... But Jesus asked him, ‘Judas, are you betraying the Son of Man with a kiss?’”
  (Matthew 26:48; Luke 22:48)
  

• The Assertive Activator: Jesus Christ
  

  The Savior came that we
  “may have life, and that [we] may have it more abundantly”
  (John 10:10 NKJV). No motive has been more pure, no action more unselfish. His mission led him to confront evil at every turn—dishonest money changers, hypocritical religious leaders, corrupt government officials, common sinners. With each encounter, Jesus remains the only person in history who
  always
  assertively confronted sin with total integrity, flawless discernment, and perfectly chosen words.
  

  “‘I have spoken openly to the world,’ Jesus replied. ‘I always taught in synagogues or at the temple, where all the Jews come together. I said nothing in secret. Why question me? Ask those who heard me. Surely they know what I said.’ When Jesus said this, one of the officials nearby struck him in the face. ‘Is this the way you answer the high priest?’ he demanded. ‘If I said something wrong,’ Jesus replied, ‘testify as to what is wrong. But if I spoke the truth, why did you strike me?’”
  (John 18:20–23)
  

Why are you to confront someone about
the error of his way
?

“Remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from
the error of his way
will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.”
(James 5:20)

In what way do
a fool
and
a wise man
differ?

“The way of
a fool
seems right to him, but
a wise man
listens to advice.”
(Proverbs 12:15)

What would help motivate me to
rebuke a wise man
?

“Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you;
Rebuke a wise man
and he will love you.”
(Proverbs 9:8)

Why should you
not lose heart when the Lord rebukes you
?

“You have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: ‘My son, Do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and
do not lose heart when he rebukes you
, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.’”
(Hebrews 12:5–6)

What should you do if someone
sins against you
?

“If your brother
sins against you
, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over.”
(Matthew 18:15)

What will you
gain
if you
heed correction
?

“He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever
heeds correction gains
understanding.”
(Proverbs 15:32)

Before you confront, what should you remove from “
your own eye
”?

“How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of
your own eye
, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
(Matthew 7:4–5)

Should you
trust a friend
who
wounds
you with the truth?

“
Wounds
from
a friend
can be
trusted
, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
(Proverbs 27:6)

How should I confront
someone caught in a sin
?

“Brothers, If
someone
is
caught in a sin
, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”
(Galatians 6:1)

What is the difference between the one who
ignores discipline
and the one who
heeds correction
?

“He who
ignores discipline
comes to poverty and shame, but whoever
heeds correction
is honored.”
(Proverbs 13:18)

NOTES

1. Leslie Brown, ed.,
   The New Shorter Oxford English Dictionary on Historical Principles
   , 2 vols., s.v. “confrontation” (Oxford: Clarendon, 1993), 477.
   
2. Richard Whitaker,
   Whitaker’s Revised BDB Hebrew-English Lexicon
   , electronic edition, s.v. “tokhot” (Norfolk, VA: BibleWorks, 1995), BibleWorks v. 6.0.
   
3. Timothy Friberg and Barbara Friberg,
   Analytical Lexicon to the Greek New Testament
   , electronic ed., s.v. “parable” (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2000), BibleWorks v. 6.0.
   
4. W. E. Vine, Merrill F. Unger, and William White,
   Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words
   , electronic ed., s.v. “admonish” (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996), Logos 2.1b.
   
5. Vine,
   Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary
   , s.v. “rebuke.”
   
6. Vine,
   Vine’s Complete Expository Dictionary
   , s.v. “rebuke.”
   
7. John Nieder and Thomas M. Thompson,
   Forgive & Love Again: Healing Wounded Relationships
   (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1991), 151–55.
   
8. Deborah Smith Pegues,
   Confronting Without Offending: Biblical Strategies for Effective Personal and Business Confrontation
   (Tulsa, OK: Vincom, 1995), 3.
   
9. Nieder and Thompson,
   Forgive & Love Again
   , 156–60.
   
10. Josh McDowell,
    Resolving Conflict
    (Pomona, CA: Focus on the Family, 1989), 6–8; Ken Sande,
    The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict
    , 3rd ed. (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2004), 22–29.
    
11. David Augsburger,
    Caring Enough to Confront
    , rev. ed. (Ventura, CA: Regal, 1981), 17–21; Pegues,
    Confronting Without Offending
    , 8–31.
    
12. Lawrence J. Crabb, Jr.,
    Understanding People: Deep Longings for Relationship
    , Ministry Resources Library (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1987), 15–16; Robert S. McGee,
    The Search for Significance
    , 2nd ed. (Houston, TX: Rapha, 1990), 27–30.
    
13. Nieder and Thompson,
    Forgive & Love Again
    , 161–66.
    
14. McDowell,
    Resolving Conflict
    , 8–10.
    
15. McDowell,
    Resolving Conflict
    , 9.
    
16. Sande,
    The Peacemaker
    , 121–22; Pegues,
    Confronting Without Offending
    , 29.
    
17. Nieder and Thompson,
    Forgive & Love Again
    , 163.
    
18. Nieder and Thompson,
    Forgive & Love Again
    , 163.
    
19. Nieder and Thompson,
    Forgive & Love Again
    , 163.
    
20. Nieder and Thompson,
    Forgive & Love Again
    , 164–66.
    
21. Stephen Van Cleave, Walter Byrd, and Kathy Revell,
    Counseling for Substance Abuse and Addiction
    , edited by Gary R. Collins, Resources for Christian Counseling, vol. 12 (Dallas: Word, 1987), 83–86; Carolyn Johnson,
    Understanding Alcoholism
    (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1991), 145–50; Christina B. Parker,
    When Someone You Love Drinks Too Much: A Christian Guide to Addiction, Codependence, & Recovery
    (New York: Harper & Row, 1990), 55–56.
    
22. Van Cleave, Byrd, and Revell,
    Counseling for Substance Abuse and Addiction
    , 87.
    
23. Carole Mayhall,
    Words That Hurt, Words That Heal
    (Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, 1986), 88–90.
    
24. Sande,
    The Peacemaker
    , 92–98.