Conrad Cooper's Last Stand ePub (3 page)

Tane, I reckon you'd be proud of me.

Thanks to Jasper's big mouth, word got around about me giving stuff away. I'm still not sure what Mum's going to say when I come home today without my lunchbox, school bag or the new raincoat she bought from Farmers. Maybe it's stupid, but St Francis began by giving away his coat, so I'm off to a great start. I've also re-skimmed Mrs O'Leary's book on saints and, if I want miracles, I've definitely got to make sacrifices even if they get me into trouble. I figure giving stuff away is better than getting my head chopped off or eaten by lions. I had no idea being good would be such hard work. I just hope Gaz doesn't find out. He's not big on giving stuff away, not even for charity.

Having said that, I'm not going home totally empty-handed.

After school, me and Jasper stood outside Room 17, watching council men sizing up the pohutukawa. Everyone loves that tree; one branch stretches out like
an arm and it doubles as a swing, when two or three kids pull on it.

Our principal, Mr Walker, wears a bright yellow vest and stands beside the tree. He nods to everyone watching. ‘Stand back, kids, give the men some room.' I dunno why, no one's going near it, but he keeps nodding and talking to passing parents. ‘She's gotta come down. Roots,
big
roots. Nice to see you, Mrs Havisham; yes, the roots are cracking the footpath. Loved your pikelets at the last PTFA meeting! Hello there, Mrs Butcher …'

Jasper shakes his head. ‘I heard a pohutukawa's roots can spread for miles, 'specially old ones. This one's over a hundred years old. Just think, it might be cracking up a street in Wellington, right
now
.'

Jasper likes to exaggerate. Miss Cody calls him dramatic, which Jasper says means he can get a job in Hollywood, just as soon as they start casting parts for Kiwis in
The Dukes of Hazzard
. In the meantime he's practising his American accent, which sounds weird. The Americans on telly don't sound like they're trying to talk and suck gobstoppers at the same time.

Anyway, I was thinking, that poor old tree. It didn't ask people to build a road. Maybe they should've thought of the tree before they built the pavement, too, seeing as it was here first. But they're going to cut down the pohutukawa anyway, which happens to be way better than our jungle gym. And then Ravi walks over and
says, ‘Hello, Conrad. You're doing nice things for other people, right?'

‘Um, yeah.'

‘Well, it would be extremely nice if you did my maths homework.'

‘What? How do you figure that?'

‘Because I am terrible at division and my parents are very upset. But if you get full marks, my parents will be pleased and that's three people you'll make very, very happy.' He nods his head at both of us. ‘Three for the price of one good deed. I'd call that a bargain. No?'

It doesn't sound like there's anything wrong with his maths, but he's got a point so I agree. Maybe I shouldn't have done that. Not in front of Jasper.

‘Great!' Jasper's eyebrows jump so high they nearly leap off his face. ‘And you know what else would be really, really nice?'

I squeeze out the word, ‘What?'

‘How about breaking up with Suzie Blake for me?'

‘You're kidding? You've got a
girlfriend
?' I shake my head and Ravi stares. ‘I didn't know you guys were, um, going out.'

He shrugs. ‘It happened today at lunch, by the water fountain. But I thought it over and realised, it's never gonna work. She's into ABBA music and I'm into Queen. We're two very different people.' He shakes his head. ‘Sometimes things just aren't meant to be, you know?'

It all sounds so grownup, but there's one massive problem. ‘Jasper, I dunno how to break up with someone. I've never even asked a girl out.'

He claps me on the shoulder. ‘Don't worry. You've got an excellent imagination. You'll think of something.'

Suzie stands outside the school gate, finishing off a jam doughnut. There's icing sugar all over her fingers and she sucks them like lollipops, watching me over the top of her hand.

‘Well?' She frowns, her eyebrows peeking underneath a blonde fringe. ‘Spit it out.'

Oh man, she's got no idea I'm about to break her heart. Tane, I hope you appreciate how good I'm being.

I take a deep breath. ‘Suzie, maybe you should sit down.'

That's right, isn't it? People say stuff like that when they're giving bad news, but Suzie just wiggles her fingers. ‘On the concrete? Why?' She looks down, trying to see over her shoulder. ‘Have I got a rip in my pants or something?'

‘Uh, no …'

She frowns again. ‘So?'

Okay, this isn't going right. I'd better tell her straight and fast, like ripping off a sticking plaster. ‘Don't get
upset and cry or anything but – Jasper wants to break up with you.'

‘Sorry, who?'

‘Jasper Harris. You know, the red-haired guy with all the freckles?'

‘Oh,
him
.' She sucks one last finger, smacking her lips. ‘That's okay. I was going to break up with Jasper anyway.'

Well,
that
was easy. Relief pumps air into my body and my eyebrows float up. ‘Really?'

‘Yeah, have you seen his hair? Talk about a bowl cut. I only said yes 'cause Melissa reckoned it would be good practice.'

‘Practice for what?'

‘For when I'm older. You know, for a real boyfriend.'

‘Oh, right.' She makes it sound sensible, so I nod and pretend like girlfriends are something I've tried out myself. ‘So … did you learn anything? I mean, by practising?'

‘Yep.'

‘What?'

‘Well …' She looks down at her feet, like she's trying to find answers on her shoes. ‘I learnt that Jasper's an idiot. That's a good start.'

‘Oh.'

She screws up her nose. ‘Hang on. Why're you telling me, instead of him?'

I explain about Tane and doing good things. Suzie's
eyes get wider and finally she says, ‘Wow, I was right.'

‘What do you mean?'

‘Jasper really
is
an idiot.'

I open my mouth to explain, 'cause Jasper wins the mental maths challenge every Friday and he's in the top spelling group, so he can't be stupid. But my words get cut off by honking. A blue Cortina pulls up, the driver banging on its horn. A lady leans over the steering wheel, waving. Still Suzie keeps her eyes on me, glaring as her fingers twist into balls.

I glance down at her hands. ‘Um, Suzie?'

‘Yeah?'

‘Are you gonna hit me?'

‘Don't be stupid.' But her knuckles press against the skin, white like new teeth breaking through their gums, and her frown deepens. ‘Why, what've you done?'

‘Nothing, honest.'

Another toot from the blue Cortina; this time the driver isn't waving. She raps against the windscreen and points at the car door.

‘I gotta go.'

Suzie moves fast, but stops suddenly on the edge of the pavement like she slammed into an invisible wall. Turning, she calls over her shoulder. ‘Hey, Conrad? Are you really
friends
with him?'

I shrug 'cause I'm not sure myself. ‘I guess.'

She stares at me for a second. ‘Don't listen to everything
Jasper Harris says, okay?' She bounces on her toes, then adds, ‘And, uh, tell him I cried. And that Jessica Phillips hates him for making me cry.'

‘
What
?'

‘Just do it, okay?'

Leaping off the sidewalk, she jumps into the car and disappears. Standing on the side of the road, I try to work her out. Why would Suzie want Jasper to think she cried? I bet Jasper would know. He watches
Days of Our Lives
with his mum. According to him, watching daytime TV means he knows way more about girls than I do.

It must be a very educational show.

Mum's digging in the garden, like usual.

Tane, yesterday I told her about your brother, the one in charge of gardening, but she just laughed. It won't be my fault if her daffodils don't come up next spring. I warned her not to laugh at someone with the power to smite her flowerbeds with bugs and early frosts.

She takes one look at me and says, ‘Where's your bag?'

‘I, um, gave it away.'

Her eyebrows shoot up like two electrocuted caterpillars. ‘You did
what
?'

I look over at Mrs O'Leary's fence and Mum says, ‘You're not going anywhere. Sit down.'

So I drop onto the grass and start poking worm holes in the dirt while I explain about doing good deeds. When I get to the part about Tane, I leave out asking for help with my parents. But she still sticks her thumb in her mouth. Some people chew their nails, Mum bites her knuckle. She's got a purple line across the middle, from all the times she got carried away.

Tane, you should see her trying to help me with maths. She nearly swallows her whole thumb. Something about fractions makes Mum nervous. She says one number is bad enough, but splitting numbers into parts is downright stupid and she can't see how I'm ever going to need it. But she helps me anyway.

‘Mum, you've gotta stop doing that. Gaz says thumb-biting makes you look gormless.'

‘Hmm.'

‘What's gormless mean, anyway?'

‘It means not very clever.'

‘Oh.'

Funny thing is, when Mum chews her knuckle and frowns, that's her thinking face. So when Gaz thinks she looks thick, she's actually being extra bright, but you need to know her really well to tell the difference. And come to think of it, anyone who knows what gormless means
must
be smart.

Mum sticks her thumb back in, talking around the nail. ‘You know what Gaz isn't going to like? Paying for another school bag – and I don't blame him. You'll have to get it back.'

‘You think he'll notice?'

‘When you start carrying your school books in a paper bag? Yes.'

That does change things. But there's one problem. ‘Mum, if I take back all my stuff, how's that being good?'

Mum shrugs and starts nibbling away. I don't say anything, it's best not to interrupt. I didn't think about what I was going to carry my stuff in, so I need her brain at full functioning power. At last she says, ‘You know there's no such thing as Tane, right?'

Now,
hang
on a second. I fold my arms. ‘You can't know he's not real; that's why I'm doing this. It's like a … a science project.'

‘Hmm.' She looks down at her red Coca-Cola T-shirt, wipes dirt off her hands on the last ‘a', and says, ‘Well, if this is about being good, then I'd say getting your stuff back and keeping your parents happy would rate pretty high. It'll save us from buying a new bag for a start and we're not exactly loaded.'

‘Are we poor?'

She squishes up her mouth. ‘Poor enough.'

‘Well …'

Mum sighs. She bends down and sticks her rusty trowel in the dirt. Sunlight makes the roots of her hair glow chocolate brown, like her eyebrows, but the rest is blonde. I'd never really noticed. I guess if Mum can't afford to dye her hair regularly like other mums, then we must be poor-
ish
.

‘Okay, I'll get it back.'

‘Good – and this was Jasper's idea, was it?' She shakes her head, not waiting for an answer. ‘He's not a bad kid, but if there's trouble he'll find it … I just wish he
wouldn't find it around you.' She frowns again. ‘So, you two are friends now?'

That's weird, Suzie sort of asked the same question. ‘I think so. He's helping me with a school project.'

‘A school project? Jasper?'

I nod – it's kind of true.

‘Well … off you go. There's some Krispies in the tin, but don't touch the afghans. We'll need extras, your nana's coming for a visit tomorrow.'

‘Oh.'

‘Don't make that face. Your nana means well.'

‘What face?' I flick a stone across the dirt. ‘Hey, can I take two for Jasper? I'm meeting him in the gully, we're building stick boats.'

‘Okay, but get yourself back by six. I didn't buy you that thing for nothing.' She nods at my blue Star Wars watch. I got it for Christmas and yes, Jasper asked for it, but I couldn't part with a genuine Jedi watch. Sorry Tane, I'm not
that
good.

She stabs the dirt, saying, ‘Make sure you take your shoes off and hose away any dirt. Come in the back door, okay?'

‘Yep.'

‘And Conrad, about this Tane thing.' Mum shakes her head. ‘Let's not mention it to Gaz. Just keep it between ourselves, okay?'

I guess Gaz isn't into Maori gods. Maybe I'd better
start a list on the back of my refill pad. There's a lot of things Gaz doesn't like and it pays to remember them all. It's easy to make mistakes.

Jasper isn't stoked about handing over my pencil case, but when I tell him Gaz might come to school and take it back, he hands it over without whining. Turns out I'm not great at maths either. Ravi only got five out of ten, so I didn't make his parents happy. He can hardly look at me.

Things get worse when we're at the drinking fountain after lunch, washing mud off our feet, and I say, ‘I'm thinking of joining the Maori protest, the one up the hill.'

Kids stare at me. Jasper's mate Cameron Jones asks, ‘Are you part Maori or something?'

‘No.'

He gives me a funny look.

Ravi scratches his head. ‘Do you even know
why
they're living on a hill?'

‘No, but Tane's a Maori god so –'

Jasper jumps in, ‘Hey, did anyone see the game last night?' I wait until he's done and then try to talk about the protest again, but he glares at me like I just stepped on his foot. Weird, I would've thought he'd be keen to get up the hill and wave some banners.

Soon as we're alone he says, ‘Quit telling people about Tane, okay? It's making you sound weird.'

‘Why?'

‘I told you, you're not Maori and even if you were, chatting with the god of the forest makes you sound crazy. You might as well tell kids there's a bunch of fairies living in your back garden.'

‘But I thought you wanted to protest?'

‘Yeah, that'd be fun. But you can't go around saying Tane's
real.
That's just nuts.'

‘Okay …' I kick the dirt, not sure what this means for our experiment. ‘But aren't we going to prove that Tane's real?'

Jasper sighs, sticking his hands on his hips. ‘You can't. He's not real for a start, and secondly, you took all the stuff back. You're not that good any more.'

‘I still gave you my biscuits and an apple.'

‘True.'

‘And I got everything back, which Mum says is better than giving it away, so I should be
extra
good right now.'

‘Well …' Jasper shrugs. ‘There's only one way to find out.'

He grabs my arm and starts dragging me down the hill, past the netball courts. ‘Where are we going?'

‘The boys' toilets.' He turns his head, calling over his shoulder, ‘Come on, Ravi, we might need another person.'

Ravi doesn't answer. He just looks left and right, like he's hoping Jasper means someone else, which is weird –
he's the only Ravi in school. I just ask, ‘What for?'

Jasper looks across the playground, down at the boys' toilets. ‘We're gonna stuff toilet paper in the basin so we can fill it up.'

‘Right. Why are we doing that?'

‘You'll see.'