Constant Pull (19 page)

I couldn’t help it this time
. Without warning, a low soft groan left my mouth and I began to quietly cry in the dark. Kevin kept hold of me, tightening just slightly and running his arm resting above my head over the hair from my forehead and temple to behind my ear. It was his embrace and this rhythmic, soothing motion that kept me sane. I concentrated on my breathing, held his arm around me tight, concentrated on his clean smell and the feel of his breath on my ear, and allowed myself to drift to sleep.

That night I dreamt of fireflies. I felt happy, although I had thought that my sleep would be filled with nightmares. In my dream, I was standing in a grassy place where there were fireflies all around me. I tried and tried to catch them, but I was too slow. When I looked down at my hands, I found that they were alight with dozens of fireflies already. They didn’t seem to be in any hurry to leave. The hovered on my palms as if they were attracted to them somehow. It was like a living torch; I could move my hands and they stayed. I smiled brightly and looked up at a man who I didn’t know. But I was comfortable with him. He was young and clean looking. He reminded me of Kevin.

I watched the fireflies and all but one flew away
. It stayed on the palm of my open hand. I blew on it and it flew away. I heard a man’s voice in a gravely whisper very clearly say ‘
thank you’
.

I woke up to the sound of a kid screaming
. I gasped and sat straight up. It was a happy scream though, from a kid running past our hotel door and down the hall. Kevin was already up with sweatpants on and sitting at the table in the room looking at his laptop.

“Damn kids.” He looked at me, smiling.

“What time is it?” I said.

“
It’s still early.” He was eyeballing me. “How are you doing?” he asked.

“I’m fine.” I sat up feeling the
small surge of pain from my cut. I noticed that Kevin slept next to me but not under the blankets. The blankets on his side were unused. He slept on top of them right next to me hugging me while I slept. I looked over at him and pointed to the blankets. “Weren’t you cold?” I asked.

He shrugged
. “Nah, not really. I tossed my sweatpants on after you fell asleep. Just trying to be a gentleman.”

“Well done.” I said,
rubbing my eyes.

“You barely moved when you slept
. I was expecting that you would be restless. But you weren’t at all. I was glad.”

“Oh
. Yeah, that’s weird. You didn’t sleep well, did you?” I said as I noticed the puffiness of his eyes.

“Well, you had me pretty worried.” He said quietly
. “I do have some questions for you. When you’re ready. No rush.” He said, trying to sound off-hand.

A small wave of
dread passed over me. I couldn’t help it. It was the conversation I had been anxious about for weeks.

He handed me a coffee he’d made in our in-room coffee maker
. I thanked him. I knew Kevin well enough to know that he was not the type to let things mold in the corner of his mind. He had to surface things and work through them-it was just how he was built.

His leg was bouncing so I knew he was
all bottled up. He waited until I drank a sip from my terrible coffee before he started in on me.

“
OK, I have to just say this: Please
never
leave me somewhere with a cab without saying something or calling me. I mean, you just got a new phone. When some freaky bartender comes to tell me you’ve left and I should go with a cab driver, I hesitate. So I told him off. I thought for a minute that he trapped you somewhere and was trying to get me to leave, you know?  Please don’t do that again. You acted like someone stabbed you and then you disappear. That wine girl, Gracie or whatever, came by afterwards and I was short with her because I had no idea where you went until the guy walked over. I actually had her check the bathroom for you because I didn’t believe him.”

“I’m sorry
. I didn’t know what to do.”

“What
happened
to you?” he said a desperate and bewildered expression on his face.

I was quiet and anxious
. I worried what he was thinking of me and I wasn’t quite sure how to put the experience into words. I just wasn’t ready to talk yet. I didn’t want to tell him that because I knew he’d been there for me when I needed him and I was unbelievably grateful. Actually, grateful didn’t quite cover it. I was in his debt.

He came to sit next to me on the bed
. I was staring into my coffee cup trying to figure out what to say.

“I don’t want to go to the hospital for my cut.” I said, softly
. “It will be fine.”

Kevin just looked at me for a moment and
opened his arms to hug me.

“We don’t have to talk about it yet
. But, Mel, I don’t want you to do that thing you do.”

“What thing?” I said
.

“Where you lock away your thoughts until you’re ready for them.”

I didn’t answer. I laid my head on his chest. We stayed still for a few minutes. He took his hand and brushed my hair off my face and moved it to behind my shoulder.

“You OK?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Because I have an idea. It’s our last full day in California, right?”

“Yeah….”
I sat up to look at him.

“Let’s rent a convertible and drive to Malibu
. We’ll drive along Pacific Coast Highway. I heard it’s one of the most beautiful drives in the world.”

I didn’t feel like it
. What I really wanted to do was stay in bed and watch home improvement shows and action films. But, I made myself do it. How do I know when I’ll be back in California? Might be my only chance to see it.

“
OK.”

“Really?”

I nodded.

“Want me to get your clothes ready for you?”
he asked.

“No, I’m
OK.” I might have been lying.

Kevin walked over to the bathroom and turned the shower on
. He was in there for a few minutes before he reappeared next to the bed.

“I put a towel on the toilet seat for you
. It’s stupid, right-because they’re hanging right there.” He said in a lower tone, shaking his head once he realized it. I’d been standing at my suitcase and looked over at him with a half-smile.

I nodded. “I appreciate it.”

I walked into the bathroom and noticed that he’d lined up my toothbrush and toothpaste parallel to each other and filled a glass with water and placed it next to my toothbrush. He also put a neatly folded washcloth next to that. My hairbrush was on the other side of the sink with my lip gloss lined up parallel to it. I smiled.

My stomach
twinged as I looked at the towel on the toilet seat where Kevin had cleaned me up. As the shower began to steam, the bathroom reminded me too much of the night before. I immediately grabbed the water temperature dial and turned it to cold. As cold as it went. I needed
something
different from the last time I had been in there.

I took an ice cold shower
. It distracted me from my thoughts enough that I was comfortable closing the door. I felt very slightly proud of myself.

Kevin located the phone number to the rectory while I was in the bathroom and spoke with Father Liam. They’d brought Chloe to the hospital by ambulance just a few minutes after we left. She had still been unconscious. They had no other update.

While Kevin was in the shower,
I grabbed one of the spare bags from the ice bucket and threw my bloodied jeans and shirt from the night before into their own bags. I also washed the rag that had been stained with blood until the water ran clear. I tossed the bags into my tote bag.

We upgraded our original rental car for a convertible Camaro
. It was black and it looked tough. My mood lightened. I made it a point to throw away my jeans in the rental car’s company’s outdoor trash bin-just in case. I just didn’t feel like explaining bloody clothes to a TSA agent at the airport.

We spent the entire day driving
. We took turns driving along Pacific Coast Highway so each of us could enjoy the view. It was about 82 degrees and sunny and I couldn’t imagine paradise itself looking any better than this.

We stopped at a beach and
lay on a folded towel looking at the ocean. Kevin fell asleep for a little while, proof that he hadn’t slept well the night before. He slept with his arm extended, holding the belt loop on my shorts. I didn’t notice it until I tried to sit up. I gently slid his finger out and held his hand until I was sure I hadn’t woken him up.

I hugged my knees and looked around
. So this was California. The ocean had depths of blue that I’d never seen before and seemed to hold secrets far below the surface that most would never learn of. I felt comforted by it and the idea that I was similar in that way to this magnificent ocean. I pulled my ponytail out and let my hair fling around in the wind. I understood why people risked earthquakes to live here.

We got back in the car and headed toward the hotel
. After a while, we stopped to get gas and I threw my other bag in the garbage at the gas station. We ate roadside tacos and found a park bench where we could watch the sunset while we had tacos and pop.

The day was remarkable but it was equa
lly unremarkable; unremarkable was good.

That night at the hotel, I dreamed of fireflies again. I knew it was a dream right away so I tried to enjoy the fireflies in my hands and control the movement of my arms. I felt myself smiling.

The night sky became as black as a void and the fireflies left my hands
. They flew into the velvet black sky and kept their form in a complete circle as they flew higher and higher. The center of the circle was left unlit by the fireflies and was perfect blackness. I watched them closely although they were too far away for me to touch-I tried. Their lights lit and faded at different times which made them appear to twinkle as living stars moving just slightly around the void.

I heard a voice. A voice in my dream
. It was familiar.

“Mel?”

I looked around, but I didn’t see anyone. I felt wind and my hair moved.

“Mel, honey?”

The words were louder than I wanted. We were in my room now. My room at Grandpa’s house. There she was. I sat up on the bed to look at her. She sat on the end of the bed. My mother.

She smiled. “Focus on me, Mel
. Please try to control your emotions because if you don’t, you’ll wake up. I know you can do it.”

The volume of her voice lowered now
. I looked at my mom. Her golden brown hair was curly and hung to the middle of her back. The top of it was swept up off her face. She was wearing a yellow crew neck shirt with a necklace I’d never seen before. It was a silver dollar sized piece of blue glass that was wrapped in silver strands and hung from a silver chain. I felt an ache as I looked at her. I missed her so much. I missed just looking at her. I focused on her necklace to distract myself from her eyes because they made me sad. Her eyes were darker than I remember. But, clear green still. She looked just like she was alive. She wasn’t see-through or anything.

“I wanted to tell you that I’m doing fine
. I wish I could talk to you for hours. I have so much to tell you. I don’t have long and I wish you could talk back to me, but you’ll be pulled from me if you do. Please don’t try. You’d think it would be easy for me to do this, but stuff is always more complicated than you figure it should be. It’s annoying even for me.

“Mel, you’re doing a great job with work and Grandpa is taking good care of you
. I saw you the other night when you were out with Kevin. You were just lovely. Reminded me of you on your senior prom. I miss you and I love you so much.” She looked off into the distance and then closed her eyes.

“Wait, Mel, you’re controlling me
. Don’t control what I say. Let yourself relax a bit. OK– there we go. Your mind is so strong. That is good for you mostly, but sometimes makes things difficult. And yes, that is all true. It’s just more what you want to hear than what I came to say.

“I learned more about you than I knew over there
. Made me even more proud. I kind of suggested you for something important. Something I know you can do. I worry that it will impact your life more than I want it to, but you were selected by more than just me. I know you’re hurting. I can’t go into all the things I want to say and I do feel frustrated about that. I want you to know that we helped you when you saved the baby. It was us. There are usually three of us-sometimes more. I know it’s crazy and weird and I’m sorry about that gash you got. But, we see through your eyes too and you turned your head away.

“I won’t always get to see you like this
. I insisted this time because of what I need to tell you. You’re going to lose someone close to you again. I’m so sorry about that. Do your best to forgive and cherish those you have. They adore you, Melly. You are so very loved. Kiss your-”

I was yanked from the dream by someone shaking me hard.