Continue Online (Part 3, Realities) (15 page)

"Doctor Litt." I stared at him with my lips off to one side. He, like James, loved to answer questions with far too much detail.

"Pretend I didn't say that. So, let's go into the office! Come on."

"Alright." Doctor Litt ushered me in front of him, such that I actually stepped into the room first.

Everything here looked pretty close to our normal online meeting room. A picture of the president sat proudly above a bookshelf filled with books. Doctor Litt had a photograph of his cat on the desk. A long reclining chair sat on one side, plus two normal ones in case people felt more comfortable that way.

"Look at this place. It looks like home, but you know what's missing? The smell. It's the smell." His nose wrinkled.

"Is this a background?" I walked closer to a wall and watched the projection shift. Around the top edge of the room was a bend in the projection.

"You got it. High grade, I set them up in every office to help with consistency," he said. I had a suspicion it was about making Doctor Litt feel more at home. Especially the picture of his cat. "Go ahead and sit down, the chairs are very real."

"Thanks."

We got situated. I sat in one chair, which was kind of nice. Doctor Litt sat in his, which had a bit of flair to it. Maybe a vibration feature or some other kind of built in luxury.

"So, Grant, tell me what you want from our meeting today." There it was, that tone of voice reminded me of James. The way he said the words and how they hung between us, like a neon sign or an internet ad demanding attention.

There was no simpler way to say it. "Control of my life back." Liz, by kicking me out of Continue Online, had driven home the situation. I made decisions, but ultimately I didn't call the shots.

Continue Online had felt like that at moments. It was James who pointed out the key difference. He hammered home the idea that everything was my choice. At any point I could walk away. I chose to take on the quests for William Carver and the
[Red Imp]
, Spite. I chose to deal with other players, to go to Shazam for training, and fight Requiem.

Someone else chose to block me from Continue Online.

"That's commendable." His face shivered a little as he talked. The bald spot on his head obvious as light from above bounced off of it. "Do you think you're ready?"

I closed both eyes and tried to remember my calming techniques. The question, however simple in theory, was not one to be answered right away. Anyone who could instantly leap to an answer had no right being in control of anything.

"I feel like I've made a lot of progress." I started at the top of my list.

"So, tell me about it." Doctor Litt adjusted his nameplate and picture frame. He kept doing this as we spoke. Another therapist might say Doctor Litt was a control freak with borderline obsessive compulsive issues.

I ignored it. Everyone had an issue of some sort. Plus he didn't do this at every meeting. Maybe he performed these little actions as a test of my attention. As if acting disturbed being in this office would make me reveal a deep dark secret.

Like the AIs in Continue Online, or maybe everywhere inside the ARC, were plotting to take over the world. They were smart, had access to millions of people's innermost thoughts. Clearly Dusk didn't care one whit about the boundary between software programs.

"A few months ago I, won an award from work. For working hard at my job. Harder than anyone else in my area."

"Go on." Doctor Litt waved with one hand then refolded them on the table. It kept him from fidgeting as much.

"So this game, Continue Online, we talked about it before-" I paused to ensure Doctor Litt nodded. He wasn't watching my face so it took him a moment, "-well, I've become invested in playing. I enjoy going around their world, seeing the sights, taking on new challenges. Learning."

"That's good, that's very good," Doctor Litt said. "Those are all positive actions. Learning something new, eating better, exercising, each one is a step in the right direction."

"I've been playing since-" I thought back to the start of my adventure, "-mid-July."

The problem with having an accounting degree is my mind kept trying to establish a formula or ratio between the two perceptions. Silly ways to balance it out, such as ten minutes in reality working and sleeping equated to twenty-five in the game.

"So, just shy of three months. Real-time," Doctor Litt said for me, nodding.

"Yep. It feels a lot longer. Do you know about the time dilation?"

"Of course. I've talked to a few people about addiction problems. Continue, among others," his head bounced with the concession, "comes up often."

I tried not to cringe. This whole idea of using my positive actions since receiving the game felt like switching one therapy problem for another. Soon it wouldn't be me sitting down proving my self-preservation was intact. I would quietly switch over to talk about being in a back alley restroom giving out hand jobs for internet time.

Not that people did that anymore. An ARC was cheaper and far less risky. Or maybe people did. I don't know. Truckers weren't even really a thing since large vehicles started driving themselves like my van did. A long chain of cargo vehicles would often be unpiloted and calmly roll along the highway.

"Anyway. I've been learning a lot of new things. Meeting people, making friends, more than just work acquaintances. Actual people," I said while thinking of Shazam and the quartet from both my Carver era and that Princess fiasco. They were still mostly children. HotPants was slightly older but had her own issues.

"That's also good, I'm very happy for you, Grant," Doctor Litt said while his head bobbed. "These are huge steps. Great steps toward taking control back." there was a look in his face that screamed 'other shoe'.

"But..." I drifted off.

"Go on." Doctor Litt probably knew nearly all my sister's concerns. That I was killing myself in a game, repeating suicide virtually in preparation for a real, final, go at things. Or maybe Liz just worried that my mind had finally snapped.

I worried as well. In between beating up monsters, doing jobs at work, and generally milling about, I worried far too much. No amount of mental conditioning could ever remove that nagging voice in the back of my head. The one that worried if my world would fall apart again with an abrupt phone call telling me about a train crash.

What would get Xin this time? A giant magnet over someone's hard drive? A virus scanner? Some stupid quest by digital overlords beyond my reach? I couldn't roll into Trillium's building and hold the very people who gave me the
[NPC Conspiracy]
ability hostage, could I?

"Ummm....I don't know how to explain it without sounding crazy."

"So, start small. Big picture things often look fine at first. It's the details that cause problems." Litt's head carried all the fluttering motion his clasped hands couldn't.

"There's this woman that I'm trying to get back to. But I only know her in the game," I looked down while speaking. That was a very faint lie.

Admitting her existence to another human being felt like a great deal of pressure. Even Miz Riley, Trillium's Vice President, didn't know. My sister found out. Beth mentioned it but hadn't asked for details. I was skirting around the problem with vague phrasing.

If I had used Xin's name, that would basically be saying that I believed in digital ghosts.

These chairs felt uncomfortable. The room looked less homey. My mind went off track and wondered if these illusionary walls covered one-way mirrors with scientists nodding and laughing behind them. I tried to shrink down.

The chair felt huge for my lighter body. I wanted to curl up but managed to squirm instead. Both eyes closed and the counting started. I could face a digital monster but potential ridicule for my mental instabilities brought me to a near panic attack.

"Are you serious?" Doctor Litt stared at me. His body looked to be on full alert. I knew telling another human being about this was a terrible idea. "Are you kidding me right now?"

A waltz. A salsa. Both had patterns. Dancing was just math, counting and moving in time. One second, two, simple math. I could equate the arm positions to columns. Everything was a balance, one action to the next. One movement into another. Everything would blend together in a flow.

"So, has this caused any relapses to destructive thoughts?" Doctor Litt took on that James tone again.

I shook my head quickly. Killing myself because Xin was in the machine never crossed my mind. I saw what happened to William Carver, he wasn't himself. There were pieces missing that should have been central. I couldn't play a game like him and somehow be one with Xin.

My only real hope was to maintain life both here and there. Once the Voices allowed it then we would be together. With the time compression, it might be better than our original future had looked. Her plans to go to Mars, the training, months went by where we barely got to talk.

I started smiling at the idea of adventuring with Xin in either game world. That would be amazing. Voices above, I wanted that. I wanted it so bad that even mild hope felt like it was too much to handle after the panic of admitting her existence out loud.

"Grant. That's amazing," Doctor Litt said while shaking his head. There was a long pause while music swelled in the back of my mind. "That's, oh my god. That's amazing."

"What?"

"First, you've listed a ton of steps to improve yourself. Each one of them shows an investment in living." he emphasized the last word. "I'm proud of you."

"Thanks." I still felt shaky. My heart thudded loudly. Monsters couldn't scare me dammit, why did real life? Why did this feel so much worse?

"Second, you've got a goal."

"I do?"

"Yeah." His head shook like I had missed the obvious. "In this game, she's your princess. Your damsel in distress."

"She's not really the damsel sort." She went ahead, charged into things. Didn't expect a rescue or anyone to save her.

"Look, you clearly want to spend time with her, right?" Doctor Litt looked a bit confused. "Did I or did I not follow your expressions right?"

I felt worried that he read me so easily. Maybe everyone did. My next words were an attempt at sounding sane, "But she's..."

"A player? A nonplayer character? So?"

He offered me the opening and I took it. "She's not a player."

"Okay, so an AI, in the game world. Is she someone you want to spend time with?"

"I do." Desperately.

"So?" Doctor Litt's eyebrows were up and both eyes wide. "Do you think she's real?"

Part of me felt extremely confused that Doctor Litt even weighed in on this subject the way he did. His face had always been terrible at containing lies. He often became worked up when talking about ways to help improve myself.

"I think so." I remembered her warm hands. The tiny scar. A weight of her body behind me that felt perfect.

"Then that's wonderful. Believe me, of all the problems to have, being attracted to a digital construct is downright peaceful. Who am I, who are any of us to judge?"

"But she's not real."

"Not necessarily, what matters is your investment in her existence." Doctor Litt nodded like he knew the secrets of the world and was dying to share them.

"What?"

"I've been in there. Everything inside the ARC feels like reality. The danger isn't losing touch with one or the other, but letting it change who you are."

"I don't think it has."

"Based on the steps you've taken, the investment in self-improvement clearly shows." His hands gestured up and down my lighter body. "You're displaying positive progress. Much better than the stalling before you picked up this game."

"I know." I did feel better, much better about who I was now. Maybe conflicted on some issues, but alive, moving forward. Facing the struggles head on had to be good, even if my first instinct was to flinch.

"Look. This, this is just my day job. When I'm not here trying to help people find ways through their problems, I help research for the Lindburg-Rosen group on their intelligence bridge theories."

"What?" I felt a little less panicked. The room's lack of realism took a back burner to mounting confusion. Had he agreed with me?

"Well I don't actually get to help, but I know all their works-" there was a pause as Doctor Litt's hands came apart and started waving behind him. Both the man's eyelids fluttered rapidly as his cat frame picture was moved once more, "-they were the leading field in transferring human consciousness into a machine, at least until Trillium bought them out and buried the research."

"Wait." I didn't care about the Trillium buyout part. That was useless fluff in the face of a much bigger issue. "You're saying this is good?"

"I believe anything that helps you progress can't be all bad. Don't tell anyone this, but what you're talking about, totally possible. Ever since the first round of truly independent AIs started coming online, this was the next step."

"The next step in what?"

"Human relations with AIs, talking to them with a level playing field," he said. I flashed back to seeing Hal Pal on the
[Wayfarer Seven]
, we were literally on the same level now.